Disclaimer: Not mine :)
When Fanfiction Falls Apart
Harry lay down by the lake, listening to the Whomping Willow rustle its branches in the distance. It was a peaceful day, and he could hardly wait to take advantage of it. Hermione had stolen Ron away somewhere, presumably to study (though Harry rather suspected that studying was far from Ron's mind), and Harry was alone.
Ah, peace.
No yelling, no sniffing or "hmph"-ing or any other such argumentative drivel.
He closed his eyes, willing for a moment to forget about Voldemort and all of the wizarding world as he stretched out for a cat nap.
Suddenly, a few feet away, some Dementors apparated with a pop onto Hogwarts grounds. Harry started, and crawled quickly behind a nearby boulder--
You can't do that.
What? Who is this?
It doesn't matter who I am. I'm right, and you know it.
Hermione?
Yes, of course!
Where...?
To your right.
GAH! What are you doing on my shoulder?
Isn't it obvious? I'm your fanfiction conscience. I'm here to help you through your moral fanfiction dilemmas.
I'm not having dilemmas.
Yes you are. Honestly, how many times do I have to reiterate? Look in any story online, you'll almost always be reminded that you can't apparate onto Hogwarts schoolgrounds.
Now look here, who's the author, and who's the character?
It's not sporting.
No?
It's not fair to Harry, either.
I suppose not.
And he, poor boy, has enough on his plate as it is.
That's true...and you raise a very good point.
Oh, no, you're...why, you're smirking! Tell me, what are you thinking of?
Well, I'm thinking that you shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be here, on your shoulder? Why not? You don't have dandruff, do you?
No! No, you shouldn't be here because--well--it's the Real World.
What are you talking about? I exist in the Real World!
Well, yes...as a literary figure, you do...
Regardless, I'm here. Like magic.
Oh, haha. How punny.
Please, don't insult me...I leave the puns for Ron and Harry. Ergh, but they think they're funny...oh!
What?
You distracted me! Come now, what are you thinking of doing to poor Harry? I see the wheels in your head turning...
Fine, fine, although I think Harry will be quite happy at the end of this. Look:
Harry was laying on the ground, absorbing the rays of the sun, when along came Cho Chang, her black hair glistening in the sun.
"Harry," she said. He opened his eyes.
"Yes?"
"I love you. Forget Michael Corner."
"Oh, Cho! I can't believe you finally came to your--"
ENOUGH! Leave Cho out of this.
You don't like it? But I thought with all his problems, he would love some female companionship...
And he may very well like it. But first of all, the Dementors are just hanging in space, waiting for Cho to go by...
Scratch the Dementors, there are no Dementors...
And secondly, can't you do better than Cho?
Are you trying to tell me something?
Only that he was over her in the Goblet of Fire. He's moved on.
Wait--don't tell me--YOU--
No, no--I prefer--erm--ginger-haired gits. The dumb kind, you know?
Oh, I see. Good to know.
Ginger-haired gits is right. Odd you like them so dumb, Granger.
What are you doing here, Malfoy?
Yes, what are you doing here?
Someone has to help you do the things you want. I'm your fanfiction demon.
Demon is right.
What was that, Granger?
I'll slap you again, don't think I won't!
Please don't argue, guys, it makes it really hard to think...
Sorry.
You're such a goody-goody, Granger.
Erm...you know, I really don't think I need a, uh--what did you call yourself?
A Fanfiction Demon.
And you're proud of that, are you?
Before you start fighting...again...I don't think I need a fanfiction demon, as you call yourself...
Yeah, you hear that? So shove off, Malfoy.
Listen to your own advice, Granger. Now, you really do want me around.
Why?
I can help you give Potter there anyone he wants. I can help you do whatever you want. I'll help you think of great ideas no one talks about--
Because they're incorrect and totally off-basis, according to canon--
Shut it, you--
QUIET! Look, Draco, what if you don't know what Harry needs, either?
More the better. Ha ha ha, I can mess with his life, be in control of him. Err, that is, not, of course, that I'd want to harm him...
Right.
You need a good snog, Granger.
Are you offering?
If the price is right...
Well, it's not exactly canon...but then, neither are we.
Wait--what about Ron?
Maybe he'll come to his senses. Eventually. In the meantime, I'll take fanon!Draco and--
Do you realize that you spoke an exclamation mark? How'd you do that?
I'm magic. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Hey. What about me?
Harry? What are you doing here? Wait--you want to snog Hermione too?
No, but I'm getting tired of waiting for something to happen. And Cho started to bawl to the Dementors...
I'm sorry I left you hanging like that.
That's alright, but if we're done, mind if I go off?
I suppose...I don't think I'll need you for awhile...
If you need me, I'll be with Ginny Weasley. I saw her before this story started...
This story which is going nowhere...
Hello?
Great, I'm all alone...and I'm still talking to myself...
"HERMIONE!"
Cue Ron...
Oh, get off me, get--RON!
"Get, Malfoy, you--"
Don't threaten me, Weasley, or I'll--
----
You shouldn't have hit him, Ronald Weasley! And you need to watch your language! Just wait till I tell your mother--
"Snog me, not him!"
Oh Ron!
Oi...
"Hey, lady, we've got an appointment at three, and--"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
"Be quiet, Jules, you've upset her. Now dear, may I help you?"
You're...you're...
"Oh, I see, just because we're dementors--"
"Jules!"
"Anyway, we can be back for your story at five, if you schedule us now. Otherwise, we're needed by other fanfiction writers. Even if you are prejudiced against dementors, we're above that sort of thing..."
Umm...sorry?
"So do you want us back?"
No...no, never mind.
"Right then, let's go, Jules. That Cho girl made us late."
"But she needed a shoulder to cry on, Les."
I think...
Am I...
Okay, now I'm alone. I'll restart:
The author shook her head in despair, patted her crumple-horned Snorcack, and sighed, repeating her mantra. "I'm the fanfiction writer...I'm the fanfiction writer...I will not let them take over my life..."
Finis
A/N--edited to make more sense. This is pre-HBP, but I may put up a second chapter that is post-HBP. I had not intended to do so, but thanks to one of my reviewers, I started to think up something else.