I Was The One Worth Leaving
The tumblers in the door lock clicked to the right positions and the knob turned – the same process every time. The door creaked open and there I stood, exposed to your dark empty apartment once again. It's been months since you left but I've been here every day since. I keep hoping I'd open this door, and your furniture would be the way it was. I keep hoping that I'd walk in and you would welcome me with your perfect smile. I keep thinking if I just visited enough, one day you would be back, and everything would be the way it once was, like nothing changed.
My pupils dilated to let the dark in. Without you, this apartment has been just that; dark. And empty. Lifeless. I tiptoed into the room and sat where the couch used to be. I pretended that the TV was right there, and you were flipping through the channels while I dug into a bowl of popcorn. But of course there's nothing in here. I'm here, I guess, but I don't really count, do I?
I still remember that day. It was late August and your apartment was full of brown boxes, all stuffed with your things of course. Yale. That's where you were going. All the way to Connecticut. Three thousand miles away. I should have been happy for you. Well, I was. Until it really sunk in that if you went to Yale, it meant you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be with me.
You were so happy though. You kept tripping just because you were running so fast in and out of your room, throwing things into briefcases and more boxes. You asked me if I could help you, but I sat there and watched you with nothing but a frown on my face. You wanted me to be a part of the momentous event in your life, but all I could do was get angry. I was selfish.
"Are you sure you have to go to Yale?" I asked out of the blue, you threw me a weird look.
"What do you mean? I already enrolled like in May." You shook your head like I was crazy and kept packing things.
"I mean… don't you think it's kind of far?" I kept going. I knew I sounded stupid. It was kind of late to be trying to talk you out of it, but I somehow, I couldn't stop.
"So? Freddie's going to MIT. That's far too." You tried to reason, but you didn't do a very good job doing that. I didn't care that Freddie was going to be in Michigan, or whatever. I didn't care about Freddie the same way I cared about you. Sure, Freddie and I finally got over being mean to each other after like junior year, and we kind of actually got to be pretty good friends, but you were Carly Shay. My Carly Shay.
"It's not the same…" I pouted. You saw my softened look and pinched my cheek gently. Your touch burned my skin; I didn't need you taunting me by trying to placate me as if I was a kid.
"I promise I'll visit all the time." You haven't. I haven't even gotten a single phone call since. But I guess that's my fault. All my fault.
I waited until you were done packing to tell you. Yeah, I told you I loved you. More than a friend, more than you could have imagined. I told you that I needed you here with me and that I didn't want you to go. You laughed nervously. You told me I was being silly and blowing things out of proportion because I was sad you were leaving. You said I was mistaking my feelings for something else.
But I knew about them before we even started the whole college process. I knew about them way back, even before we started the show. I just never thought I'd need to say it. I thought you would be here with me forever, and I would never need to tell you anything. Somehow, our lives would just mesh and we'd end up living happily ever after. You kept laughing nervously, and I thought you were making fun of me. I thought you couldn't even take me seriously.
I got mad at you and called you a bunch of bad names. I told you that you were selfish for leaving me, and that you were inconsiderate for wanting to go to Yale. How stupid did I look with that argument? You were shocked at me, and told me that I was being selfish for wanting to keep you here. You were right. You don't have to stay for me. Your only dream was to get into Yale, and go there. And you got it… I was just too selfish to be happy for you. You were getting angrier and angrier because I was being a total idiot.
"Why couldn't you go to a closer college? You know I'm stuck here in Seattle!" I argued still. I was too charged to see how much I was hurting you.
"That wouldn't have been the case if you actually tried in high school!" You yelled back at me. I'd never seen you so angry before. I obviously triggered something. You told me that all these years, you've been trying to help me. All those times you've tried to get me to study, you weren't trying to change me. You just wanted the best for me. You told me that you believed in me once upon a time. You told me that you saw potential in me, and it made you sad that I wasn't reaching it. You thought I was intelligent. You thought I could go somewhere. But then you saw who I really was, and realized I would never rise above. You wanted me to work hard so that I could've had more choices than just Seattle Community College. You told me you wanted me to be part of your life forever, but I was too lazy and stubborn to make that happen.
You told me that you did once love me back but it would never work out because you were wrong about me all along. You told me you were disappointed in me and that I needed to leave. I was too stupid to apologize to you. I called you a bitch for playing with my head and reached into one of your boxes, the box you labeled "Sam". It was a box filled to the brim with my stuff, our stuff, and everything in between. I got hold of a framed picture of us and threw it across the room. You pushed me out of your apartment and told me to never come back.
But I did.
I came back the day after you left, and every day after that. Soon, Spencer told us he found a studio that was close to you and that he would be leaving too. This apartment hasn't changed a bit since he did. Lewbert keeps asking me why I come back, and I tell him that I'm visiting you. He calls me crazy, and sometimes, I believe him. I must be all kinds of crazy for coming back all the time, coming back to an empty apartment. I go into the iCarly studio every time I stop by to just look at a bare room. All of my greatest memories were in there, with you. But that's all gone now. No more dancing, no more cheering, no more sitting around in bean bag chairs. No more anything. Even the memories are tainted by my selfishness.
I know now how horrible I must have been. I mean… you stuck with me all those years… you made sure I stayed out of trouble. You kept me close so I couldn't wander off into the dark. You made me study, you made me be good. You took me into your home and sheltered me. You never needed to do any of that. And I never thanked you once. But you didn't care, because you're Carly. You only wanted the best for me. You tried so hard to help me, and I threw it back into your face every single time. You had hope in me, and I let you down. I never deserved you, and you made the right choice by moving as far away as possible. I know now that I was the one worth leaving.
You must be having such a great life in Yale now. You're surrounded by smart intelligent people who don't go around stealing things or lighting things on fire. You're not held back by my selfishness, or my stupid actions. You're just going to keep climbing in life, and I'll still be right here, where I won't be able to hold you back. As much as I keep telling myself that you'd never want me, I still can't get you out of my head. I still love you, and I still miss you. With Spencer in Connecticut, and Fredward and his mom in New Jersey, there's no reason for you to come back here. Everyone moved away. I'm the only one left here, but you would never come back for me. You made that loud and clear with your silence towards me.
I sighed deeply and got up, heading for the door. It startled me for a second to not see Freddie's door staring at me. It's stared at me every time I left your apartment for the past few months. Instead, I was looking at you. How long were you standing there, just watching me gaze at your apartment? You looked so grown up, but so familiar. Your hair was longer, and you were wearing your college sweatshirt proudly. You were still as beautiful as ever.
"Carly." I choked out. You nodded at me and smiled. "You came back." I whispered and fell into your open arms. For the first time in months, the sides of my mouth curled into a smile.
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Wish that came out better. So long and wordy. I don't know how to fix it though, so I'll just leave it bare and open for you guys.
Idea came from a combination of watching a snippet of Super Bad (yeahhhh), and my own experiences. Tell me how you liked it, or didn't like it.