In Fire, In Ice
—
For once, she doesn't bother to turn on the light when she picks Katherine up into her arms to gentle soothe her cries. Johnny is asleep in the other room, of that she's sure. Victoria only knows that because she checks up on him twice, and makes sure to drop gentle kisses on his head both times. The gentle rise and fall of his chest is her comfort. Johnny's fine. He's okay. She gently rocks her baby back and forth, gently sliding herself into the wooden rocking chair Dylan crafts for Katie's nursery.
"Mommy's here, my sweet girl. Shh…Mama's here."
Her phone chimes and it rings. Victoria reaches over gently, lifting up the light pink covered phone to see who it is and if she has it in her to talk. Billy's face lights up on her screen. He's supposed to come by in the morning to help Johnny get ready for school and Katherine's appointment with Dr. Chan. She feels spent, like she could float on a crystal lake, float on her back and let the gentle current take her away. Her finger hovers over the answer button but Victoria hits ignore when her daughter coos in her arms.
Victoria rocks gently back and forth, the distant, far-away hum of a lullaby assembling themselves in a string of notes she is not sure is correct. She is exhausted. She's tired and Victoria will not carry this type of burden. She is no masochist but she is a realist. Katherine is a gift and Johnny is her ball of energy – her source of laughter when all she wants to do nowadays is rage and burn this house – this house with the ghost of good memories and the corpses of bad ones – to the ground and leave in a pile of ash.
No, Victoria, a measured tone in her head reprimands her. Be cold. Be numb. Be ice.
Victoria gently rubs the pad of her thumb across the top soft curve of Katie's head, tickling her fingers with the little wisps of blonde hair. Katherine stares up at her with her beautiful blue eyes and wraps her little hand around her thumb. She will eventually come undone. Eventually, Victoria will unwind and perhaps, it will alleviate the pressure building behind her eyes and the distant pounding headache by her temple.
"Everything's going to be just fine."
Katherine squeals and coos again to the best of her ability. Then she smiles – Katherine's smile still new but so beautiful – and it is the only time, Victoria warmly smiles back.
"Everything will be okay, Katherine. You, me, Johnny, Reed… We'll be okay."
—
Dr. Elizabeth Rosen is her therapist, but the way they meet is not based on need or urgency but more based on objectivity. She is a stranger yet in some ways, broaching on the verge of being a friend. Dr. Rosen has a kind face, sandy brown hair in the process of turning grey and hazel eyes behind glasses that tend to balance themselves perfectly on her face.
Victoria shifts against the soft cushions of the two-seat loveseat. She raises her blue eyes to the clock on the wall as it ticks with a type of ticking that seems infinite. Time, she muses. It marches forward.
Sometimes, Victoria wishes it would just freeze.
"Thank you for fitting me in today, Dr. Rosen."
"Of course, Victoria. That's why I'm here," the therapist says professionally, yet calmly. She appreciates the professionalism, but hates the calmness because then it mean that perhaps, this doctor is on high alert with her – like Victoria will stop being in this ice like emotional stasis she is in while everyone else reacts around her and she will react too. "So, how do you feel today?"
"Like, I'm waiting," she says with a sigh, and her chest suddenly becomes uncomfortably heavy. "It feels like…" her eyes find the black circle etched into the delicate skin of her ring finger. She rubs at it hard enough without meaning to cause herself pain and tries to cover a grimace when the skin there is angry and red. She leaves a framed of her and Ben in the living room trash, making a note to really throw it away later. She doesn't want Johnny to get curious and cut himself on the glass. Victoria has to protect her baby boy. "It feels like I'm waiting around for some internal switch to be turned on so I can feel my way through everything like you told me so, but I can't. I'm waiting to break and fall to pieces."
"And now?" Dr. Rosen questions, as her pen moves in smooth, long strokes against her notepad.
"I was tired. Physically and emotionally tired. Now, I'm…just numb."
It's as if she reaches the bottom of a barrel she swears won't be dry, but it finally is and all she is doing is scraping it.
Last time, heartbreak causes Victoria to spin out and be emotionally sunburnt.
This time, she's emotionally frostbitten and she's comfortable that way.
—
A/N: So, I was scouring through my hard drive in my fanfic folder (yes, I have one of those) and found this. I wrote that with no timeline that follows the show. Here, she's kind of this is fire because her relationship with Stitch is over and even though here, she's a newborn infant, Katherine Rose's parents don't have much of a relationship beyond the wellbeing of her and her brother. Victoria is just in this state of loneliness that is raw and burns (in fire) and she becomes numb (in ice) to cope. But the constant is that she is a mother and her children become everything. So, that is the basis of this piece I just kind of finished and tweaked even though it's been done for a while.
As always, feedback would be lovely. If you haven't already, check out "All the World's A Stage" too. Forgive any typos.
Happy Sunday!
-Erika