Faster and faster Spike ran through the grave yard, but no matter how fast he ran he couldn't out run his own thoughts. What he was running from kept repeating time after time though his mind like a loop. Finally, he reached his crypt, running like the very jaws of hell were at his heels. Slamming open the door he blasted into the crypt. Even there he couldn't stop. Round and round the crypt he paced, wild eyed, with a continual line of words whispered from his lips. What have I done, what have I done. On and on, over and over, until finally, he slammed into a wall and slid down to the floor, still wild of eye, trembling. His arms wrap themselves around himself and he huddled where he has fallen. Tears brim on the lashes of the deep blue eyes. He has messed things up so badly this time, he knew. She will never, never, never have anything to do with me again, thinking about it, he accepted that this is rightly so. After what he tried to do he deserved it. But what now, she was his whole world, his reason to exist. Spike feels the pain in his heart increase, the emotional combining with physical until all he can feel is pain. He clutches at his chest, curling into a ball to try to ease it, but nothing worked. He cries out as the pain becomes unbearable and collapse as consciousness leaves his body.

Sometime later, hours, days, it doesn't matter, not to him, not to anyone, Spike wakes. The world has not changed. Memories of what he did quickly make themselves manifest to his waking mind. The pain and guilt has not lessened. Spike can not live without his Slayer, and now all hopes are dead. He has nothing to keep him in this existence, perhaps then, he should leave it, he thinks. Yes, but he still loves Buffy and wants to make what amends he can. Still huddled in his miserable ball he thinks and he plans what he can do for the people he cares about most before he leaves this life, forever.

Spike knew that money couldn't repair the trust he has broken, but knowing the Slayers problems, it certainly could help her. With this in mind, Spike wearily pulled himself together, one last time. There are things to do before he is allowed to find an end. Yes he can do this, but he would need just a bit of help. Spike thinks and a very small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. He knew just the one to get that help from as he turns toward the sewer exit and starts toward making what arrangements he can.

Two weeks later, Spike waits in the shadows near a car parked by a certain construction site. The owner of the car was the only one still at the site, just as he had planned. A grim smirk graced a face that hadn't seen a ghost of a smile in all the two weeks that Spike had been working on his plan. He waited with more patience than he had shown in many a day. Finally he saw the man approaching the car. This here was the sticky part. Getting the approaching man to listen for a few minutes that was the problem. With a shrug Spike disregarded all concerns, what was the worse he could do, stake him? There was a temptation in that but no, what he had to do first was too important to find his release yet.

Xander was late, something he was quite painfully aware of. He had been the last man to leave the construction site. Sometimes being the boss required that and he accepted those times when they came. Tonight was particularly late due to a call that had come in at the last minute. As he walked quickly towards his car, Xander kept a careful watch of his surroundings. He could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise. Something was watching him. Xander knew that this feeling could very well be his imagination but after all these years on the hell-mouth he tended to go with his gut feelings. Taking a deep breath he tried to walk just a little faster. Just as he thought he had reached the safety of his car a figure stepped out of the shadows. Apprehensively Xander flinched back against the car door, facing the mysterious figure, his hand reaching for his stake, something all scoobies kept with them at all times. As soon as he recognized who the shadowy figure was before him, Xander relaxed slightly. Then a slow anger filled his being. With a snarl he reached forward grabbing Spike by the shoulder of his coat, turning them both and shoving him up against the car, the stake raised high. "What do you want Spike and why should I not stake you, right here, right now?" Spike gave no resistance to the manhandling he was receiving. He didn't meet Xander's eyes, but ducked his head. Xander was surprised to feel the shoulder he clenched tremble. Was Spike scared of him? As that thought flew through Xander's mind his attention was once again centered on the being before him as he watched Spike open his mouth and begin to speak.

Spike's answer came slow, hesitant like, and quiet. "D-don't want anythin' for m'self, yah. Just want you to listen, f-f-for a minute. "Why should I listen to you? Xander snarled." At Spikes reply of, 'cause you love Buffy, Xander's eyes narrowed. His grip on the coat became a grip on a thin and boney shoulder. With a swallow and a gulp Spike spoke again. " Y-You love her and so you will do something for me, for her. Xander's face took on an outraged look. "Are you threatening her? He asked. The grip Xander had on Spike's shoulder tightened further. The Stake lowered until it hovered just above his heart. Still the vampire showed no sign of resisting, or defense. Spike swallowed shaking his head, No, no n-not a threat. I wouldn't, couldn't ……… "Yet you did Xander spat at him. With utter surprise Xander watched the vampire before him visibly seem to shrink, huddling in on himself. It was then that he took his first good look at the miserable figure before him. Spike looked ill. There was no other way to describe his appearance. Dark rings showed under his eyes and his skin was almost grey.

Mad as Xander was, Spike's appearance shocked him. He couldn't help himself and asked Spike what was the mater with him? Spike visible gathered himself together, ignored the question and tried again to get what he had to say out. "If you love Buffy meet me at 9461 South Roydale Street at 5:00 tomorrow evening, a-and please don't tell Buffy about this. Xander was, to say the least surprised. What ever he expected from Spike this wasn't it. "What are you up to?" He said with a shake of the abused coat and the equally bruised shoulder under it. Spike pulled free and turned to leave. "Just be there, not for me, for her. With that he slunk back into the dark.

All the next day Xander thought about Spike and wondered if he should show up when Spike wanted him to. On one hand it could be a trap of some kind. On the other, what if it really is something to do with Buffy and if he doesn't go, maybe it would be something bad for her. He just didn't know and yet for some reason he couldn't bring himself to mention anything about the whole incident to her either. Maybe, this was something that he could take care of and not bother her, yeh. She certainly didn't need to hear about Spike, that's for sure. Somehow he found himself outside 9461 South Roydale Street at 5:00, just as Spike requested. Sure enough as he pulled up to the curb, there under the shelter of the porch stood Spike waiting for him. He had to look twice to really recognize him though. This Spike was dressed pretty posh, nice suit and a nifty tie too. Same bleach blond though, that helped with the identifying. Xander walked up to the vampire taking in the new look. All the dressing up in the world couldn't hide the fact that Spike looked like walking death as well as being it. "Spike", Xander greeted the waiting vampire. "Whelp" Spike replied in turn, straightening from the wall that he had been leaning on. "Shall we go in?" "What is this place?" Xander asks as they went through the doors. Spike sighs and says this is the office of one Brandon and Son, my lawyers. What? Xander exclaimed vampires have lawyers? Yes, quiet now. They are taken into a very nice office. Everything there speaks of wealth and success. Soon a well dressed older gentleman joins them. Turns out that this is Mr. Brandon himself. Handshakes are exchanged all around and everyone sits down, all cozy and nice.

Mr. Linton, how good it is to see you again. But forgive me for saying so you do not look well. Is there something wrong? The Lawyer was addressing non other than Spike with these words. To Xander's surprise Spike responds back, accepting the name of Linton as his own. Maybe it is, for all Xander knows. Assuring the lawyer that he is fine, there follows a short discussion about trusts and accounts that Xander really doesn't understand or follow, but pretends he does. Spike however, seems not only to understand what the lawyer is saying but makes comments and adjustments to some kind of an agreement between the vampire and the lawyer. In the end Xander is asked to be witness to Mr. Linton (Spikes) signature. It is then explained in simple terms that this is to set up a trust fund for both Buffy and Dawn. Turns out a rather large one at that. Xander asks where the money came from. He had no intention of signing anything that would help Spike move around any stolen funds. He is reassured that this money is really "Mr. Linton's" to spend. Xander signs, of course, anything to help the two girls, but it makes him wonder. As they leave the office Spike walks Xander back to his car. It is now fully dark and Spikes excuse is that he wouldn't want Xander to fall prey to any of the nasties that are out this time of the night. Xander has, to say the least, a bunch of questions. He is just not sure how to start to ask them. Just as they get to the car Spike pauses and sways in place. Xander suddenly realizes just how fragile the vampire looks. He offers Spike a ride and after a moment is accepted. As they drive off down the road Xander asks as casually as he can who this Linton was? Was he someone that Spike ate and took his identity? Spike looks down, sighs, and says no that is his real name, William Linton. His family had some money 125 years ago and that's a lot of interest, don't you know. As Xander struggles to find a way to ask other things that he wants to know Spike leans forward and says firmly, stop here, this will be fine. Xander realizes that they are near Spikes cemetery. He stops the car, Spike leaves it and the last he sees of Spike is the vampire rather unsteadily disappearing into the gloom.

Spike makes it back to his crypt and into his comfy chair just as his legs give out. He was so hungry, but the thought of blood makes him feel ill. He had not been able to bring himself to eat anything in all the time since he last had been with Buffy. He closed his eyes to try to find rest and all he sees is Buffy's face in the bathroom. There is no rest, no peace, for him. One down and one to go he thinks. Tomorrow's the note and then, this will all end.

Morning comes and Spike is trapped in his crypt. He must wait until sunset to deliver his note. Time hangs heavy and Spike finds himself longing for an end. Will this day never end? He thinks. All he feels is pain, guilt and remorse. Finally he can wait no longer. He leaves his crypt via the sewers, taking his trusty blanket with him. It needs to stop, this pain, this feeling, but first Buffy..

Spike runs, blanket smoking towards Buffy's back door. Just as he is rounding the corner he realizes that Buffy is in the back yard. He doesn't wish to see her so he turns and goes in the front door. Quietly he enters, stomps off any flames on his blanket, looking around to see if anyone's there. He takes the time to look around carefully, this is the last time he will ever see his loves home. He pauses for a moment and then starts to climb the stairs. He will leave the letter on her night stand and then quietly leave. He can hear two heart beats in one of the bedrooms. Must be the witches, he doesn't want to be found out by those two. Turn a bloke into a frog or something like that. He hesitates, not sure if he should go back or not. Spike listens again. All is still quiet, and he thinks he can sneak by the door without anyone knowing he was there. Slowly, quietly, as only a creature of the night can, he starts to slip past their door and down the hall. Just as he is about to go by their door, Willow opens it and sees Spike standing there. "Spike, what are you doing there? She asks. This is the first time she has seen Spike in nearly three weeks, and he looks, not so good. Spike just stood there for a few moments staring at her with a deer in the headlights look. He tries to come up with something, anything that won't sound stupid. Suddenly it was too much and the world spins. To Willow's utter astonishment the vampire eyes roll up in his head and he drops to the floor in a dead faint. Willow stands there mouth slightly open, shocked. Tara approaches behind Willow to peek over her shoulder, curious. Both girls approach the unconscious vampire on the floor. Willow asks Tara to go get Buffy and she turns back to Spike. She just stands watching him, not knowing what to do waiting for Buffy to get there. It's only minutes until she hears the back door slam and the sound of two people running up the stairs.

When Buffy first appears on the top of the stair case she is obviously angry. What was Spike doing here? How dare he show up after what he tried to do? However, the first sight of the vampire in question certainly gave her pause. She looked at Willow questioningly. Did he try to hurt you? Did you have to do something to him to defend yourselves? Buffy was anxious to make sure that Spike had not tried to hurt anyone else. Still shocked Willow just shook her head, "no he didn't do anything. I just opened the door, asked what he was doing here and he took one look at me and fainted." She looked over at Tara and smiled faintly and said, "I didn't know I was that scary to look at." Tara smiled back, took her hand and said "no of course your not, there must be something wrong with him."

Buffy knelt beside Spike and looked him over. He looked terrible. She had not seen him since THAT NIGHT, a little over two weeks ago. He had always been slim, but was now almost skeletal. Dark rings were under both eyes and his cheek bones looked like they could cut through at any moment. Still clutched in his hand was a piece of paper. Gently she took the paper in her hand and read the note. In a rather fancy and flowing hand it read:

Dear Slayer- Buffy:

Words cannot express how sorry I am for what I did. I realize that what I did was unforgivable, and nothing that I do or say will really make it right. I have thought and thought about what amends that I could make, inadequate though they would be. To the witches I leave a small trunk that you will find in my crypt. It is full of magic stuff, gathered over the last 125 years. Don't worry, Buffy, its only white magic. I hope the two of them will find it of benefit. To the whelp I leave the chance to help both Buffy and Dawn. That's what he really always wanted. He will know what I mean. Lastly to Buffy and Niblet, talk to Xander, he knows what I leave to you. There now, the last thing I can do to make amend s is this. Buffy you will not have to worry about me any more. I won't be bothering you ever again. Be happy love.

Spike, aka William Linton

Shocked Buffy looked up at the two girls beside her. He was leaving? Willow took the note from the Slayers suddenly slack grip. Looking closer at it Willow looked up at Buffy and said, "More like a suicide note and will combined." Buffy couldn't believe her eyes. Spike was a vampire. Vampires did evil, bad things. That wasn't surprising, it was their nature. Vampires do not feel remorse or guilt, nor do they try to make amends to the people they do bad stuff to. They most certainly do not commit suicide because they feel bad about what they did. Buffy looked down at Spike and just shook her head, unbelievable.

It was just then that there came a small groan from the unconscious vampire lying on the floor. Both Tara and Willow glanced up at Buffy and quickly decided that this was something that Buffy should take care of herself. Both witches jumped up together and beat a hasty retreat before the slayer could stop them, and closed the door.

Spikes eye lashes fluttered briefly before they slowly opened. Before him sitting on her heels was Buffy. Spikes eyes kept getting wider and wider as he silently regarded the slayer. Maybe he wouldn't have to greet the sun after all and maybe this was better. Let the slayer get the satisfaction of putting him down herself. Slowly he closed his eyes and bowed his head waiting for her to end it, and waited, and waited and waited.

Buffy could see the different emotions flit across Spike's face, panic at first, then dismay and finally resignation. She continued to watch him even as he bowed his head, obviously waiting for her to stake him. She had had two weeks to think about things, and while she had been pretty mad at him, she also knew that what happened was not all his fault. Things had just gotten way, way out of hand. She knew before he left that he was sorry. She could see it in his eyes in that last glance before he had fled. The man before her was a wreck. Would a truly evil being try to make amends, nearly fall apart over something they did? She didn't think so. Yes he was a vampire, but he had changed over the last few years. What ever Spike was, Buffy didn't think he was evil, not really, not any more.

She watched with some amusement when Spike ventured to open one eye to see what she was doing. "Care to get off the floor now, she asked?" Nodding he took the hand that was offered and was grateful for the help up on his feet. He looked at her and hesitantly ventured, not going to stake me, are you?" She smiled at him and told him no, she wasn't. The look on his face was priceless. Did he really think she would do that, she wondered? The smile faded a bit when she watched a look of resignation cross Spike's face. He bowed his head and started to shuffle past heading rather unsteadily for the stairs. He had noticed that she had his note and so despite things not going like he wanted them to, the note had been delivered. All that was left, as far as Spike was concerned, was to end things and have peace. Buffy watches him slowly make his way down the stairs. Where does he think he's going, she wonders? It's broad daylight out there. Then, about the time Spike was at the front door she looked down again at the note. Realizing that he intends to leave, sans blanket, by the front door Buffy suddenly went into action. Racing down the stairs it felt, to her, as if everything has gone into slow motion. She is running as fast as she can, and as a slayer that is fast indeed. Still she can see him reaching for the front door and it swinging open. No mater how fast she runs it doesn't seem fast enough. In a moment she knows he will step out onto her front porch and be no more. The door continues to open and surprise, standing in the doorway is Xander, who was preparing to knock. "Xander, Buffy shouts, stop Spike. Xander with eyes wide grabs Spike and surprisingly easily knocks him inwards and down to the floor.

Spike is again out.

Xander, still with the wide eyed look, franticly looks between Spike and Buffy. What did he do this time? He growls. Buffy skids to a stop, kneeling by the side of the fallen vampire and tries to catch her breath. Nothing, he didn't do anything, she breaths. Now Xander is very confused. But Buf if he didn't do anything why did you have me hit him? Buffy looks up at her well meaning, friend in exasperation. I didn't say hit him, just stop him. He was trying to kill himself. What? Xander exclaimed. Wait a minuet, what's going on? A very confused Xander asked. Here, Buffy handed Xander Spike's note, read this, she said. As Xander read the note a number of things suddenly made sense. Spike's bad condition and the lets keep the mysterious meeting with the bankers a secret from Buffy was now explained. After reading the note, Xander glanced down at Buffy, only to find another surprise. Buffy, who he believed to have great reason for hating this vampire, was stroking his cheek. Xander tried to find the anger and dislike that only a few days ago would have quickly manifested itself. Surprisingly it wasn't there, at least not so much. He too asked himself if a really evil creature would feel such remorse for his actions. This was a vampire, he reminded himself, a serial killer, a soul-less, remorseless, fiend. Something that should feel no pain or suffering for anything bad they did, in fact, should enjoy that evil deed. Looking at Spike, reading his note, Xander couldn't resolve the contradiction. Instead, lying there at his feet, was a being that had not only felt remorse for his action, but had nearly been eaten up by it. In addition, this supposedly evil being, had tried to make what amends that he could. Believing all the while, that such amends would never be enough, and lastly this terrible, evil fiend, was totally prepared to pay the ultimate price as punishment and take himself out of the slayers way. Xander could not find it in himself to feel anything but amazed. This was not the same scary vampire that had kidnapped Willow and himself all those years ago and had threatened all the Scoobies lives from time to time since, was it? It was, and yet it wasn't. Even Xander had to admit now that Spike had changed.

With Xander's help Buffy picked Spike up and carried him back up the stairs and into her room. She was a little surprised that Xander voiced no objections as he helped get Spike's coat and boots off and then helped settle him into her bed. She wondered how long this seeming calmness would last and if she could take just a little advantage of it and ask a favor of her seemingly compliant friend. Would you go to Willy's and get some blood, please Xander, she asked. Her luck held and all he did at the request is glance down at Spike and say he'd better get a lot. As Xander left, Buffy heard a quiet knock on her door. A red and blond head cautiously stuck themselves through a carefully opened door. I-Is everything a-all right? Tara asked. Willows eyes grew bigger as she spotted the still figure in the bed. Is that Spike? She asked. What happened after we left? She wanted to know. Buffy quickly, quietly told them what had happened. They were amazed. What are you going to do now? They both wanted to know. Buffy smiled at them. I'm going to take care of him. We both have things that need to be forgiven and I think that together we both can heal. The girls smiled back at her and quietly left her with her vampire.

Buffy sat quietly on her bed watching the fragile vampire sleep. How could someone go from wanting her dead to loving her so much? Shaking her head she didn't know. As she sat there lost in thought, she almost missed the signs that Spike was waking. Spike slowly opened his eyes and met with a stunning surprise. Buffy, his beautiful Slayer was sitting looking at him, and the most amazing thing of all, was that she was not looking at him with anger in her eyes but love. She spoke quietly and softly to him while still letting him know that she would not tolerate a repeat of him trying to dust himself. Spike was, for once, speechless, and then a small smile grew, maybe, just maybe he did have something to live for after all.

The End