An Idiot's Guide to Self-Insertion
Everything you ever wanted to know about writing lame self-insert fics...and a lot of Kurama.
Author's Notes:
Caution: This fic is rated FGPL (fangirl parody lovers), for scenes of brutal jabs at non-specific authoresses, nauseatingly realistic fangirl priorities, horribly blown-out-of-proportion self-description imitations, and EXTREMELY minor language (we're putting this up for all the Ned Flanders in the viewing audience).
FYI: As the fanfic progresses, you may come across sentences in bold, italic, and underline. These are the authoresses' words as they write the fic.
BOLD: Mary Sue (MS is a bold person. ::falls on floor laughing:: that's the understatement of the year!)
UNDERLINED: BeagleBLOOMerz (underlining makes words taller, and lord knows Beagle doesn't need to be any taller)
ITALIC: TypoNumber5 (italics are usually associated with slurring, and slurring is usually associated with drunks, psychos, and loons. It's Typo, need we say more?)
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"....Kurama gazedf down at Demongrl439, his eyes warm with fireyt pashion, and he pushed a strand of bueatiful, wispy, goldenm locks away from her face as he leaned down to plant an kissd on her appealing lips, and she wraps her slender arms around his strong neck, and he is pulling apartr and gazed once more into her soleful bluew flecked with silver eyesbefore lean down onse more share a magic moment with her. The eNd."
"That was so... BEAUTIFUL," Mary Sue gasped as she tore her glazed eyes away from her computer screen. She grabbed another handful of Kleenex from the box she was clutching to her heart. "I WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME!!" she sobbed, and whirled forcefully around in her spinney computer chair for emphasis. She ripped the cordless phone from its cradle and pushed the speed dial button for BeagleBLOOMerz's cell number.
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The beautiful, rainbow-colored, sparkly butterfly glided smoothly to a halt on top of the pink-and-green spotted mushroom. Random-Hot-Faerie-Dude helped Beagle down from the butterfly and they fluttered a short distance to a flowery vine, where they alighted onto a petal-loveseat. R-H-F-D took Beagle's hand in his and gazed into her eyes. "Beagle," he said in a soft, masculine-sounding voice, "I can't describe it. When I'm with you...." a computerized tune emanated from his lips, drowning out the next words. Through her dreaming haze, Beagle realized it was Jessica Simpson's "With You". She frantically strained her pointed ears to hear what he was saying, but all she could hear was-
Beagle emerged from her dream world with the ring-tone still in her ears. In a huff, she wrenched her fluffy pink facemask from her eyes and slammed her fist against the nearest wall in frustration, ignoring the fact that all her posters immediately crashed to the floor. "GOD!! That ALWAYS happens!!" she grumbled as she pressed the "Talk" button on her spiffy new pink cell phone. "Hello?????"
"Ohmygodireadthebestficit'slikeKuramaandthisfangirlandthey'reinloveand-"
Sue's high-pitched chipmunk voice screeched in Beagle's ear. Beagle slumped down into the sea of pillows and stuffed animals surrounding her and grabbed her Kyo plushy.
"-AND I WANNA DO THAT TOO!!!!"
"Sue, why are you calling me at 3 in the morning?"
"We have to 3-way Typo and then we'll ALL write a self-insertion-"
"Sue, I was ASLEEP."
"And then we'll ALL have our own bishies and we can be like-"
"Sue, I WAS HAVING THIS REALLY AWESOME DREAM AND THE FAERIE GUY WAS ABOUT TO KISS ME AND YOU WOKE ME-"
Riiiiiiinnnggg.
Riiiiiiiinnnggg.
"Heeeelllllooooeewww???" Typo picked up.
"Ohmygodireadthebestficit'slikeKuramaandthisfangirlandthey'reinloveand-"
"AND WE WERE RIDING A BUTTERFLY! THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN MY-"
"-anditwasSOOcoolandIwanttodothattooyouhearmeTypo?I WANNA DO THAT TOO!!!!"
Typo blinked. "Oh, hi guys. I didn't know YOU stayed up this late too!" She grinned and took another gulp of the supersaturated sugar-and-soda mixture she was drinking.
"Okay, so you guys are getting over here NOW!!" Sue screamed.
"And I'll NEVER be able to get back to that dream AGAIN!!" Beagle was rudely cut off by the dial tone.
"HA!" Sue cried triumphantly as she pushed the big, shiny red button hidden under the permanently installed fake coke can that stood on her computer desk.
Immediately, twin trap doors in Typo and Beagle's bedrooms opened up below their feet and they began the long, stomach-twisting, gut-wrenching slide down identical chutes until they slid to a halt, side by side with a glass panel separating them. The round floor-segment which they were seated on began to vibrate, and then suddenly catapulted Beagle and Typo into the air, where matching hang gliders descended from trap doors in the ceiling and Beagle and Typo grabbed hold for dear life, and the gliders shot forward, around the corner, into the hall, around ANOTHER corner, and then slowly crept into Susan's computer room. Sue pushed another button, this time green and hidden beneath a half-filled coffee mug sitting on the keyboard tray, and purple fuzzy chairs folded up from under the white carpet. Beagle and Typo dumbfoundedly let go of the hang-gliders and dropped into the chairs.
The new arrivals stared wide-eyed ahead at the randomly placed DN Angel poster on the wall facing them. Beagle slowly lifted her hands to straighten her fluffy pink PJ pants, and Typo, still clutching the soda, yanked her I -heart- NY shirt into place and patted down her hair which by now was on the verge of an Afro.
".......wow........" the New York lover said in awe. Beagle had the look of a demented chipmunk face-to-face with a John Deere tractor, and her Kyo plushy looked as though its head was about to be squeezed off.
The high-back computer chair in front of them gradually turned around, revealing Mary Sue in all her fur-collared lavender robed glory. "Hello," she said, smirking at them over steepled fingers. "And welcome to my-" the chair continued on its set path on its axel, bringing Mary Sue back around to face her computer. She hastily pushed back from the desk and wheeled her chair back around to face her captives-err.... friends. "Eh, ANYWAY, do you like the new chutes I've installed in my home?"
They stared incredulously at her.
"Okay, and in YOUR homes."
Already saucer-plate sized eyes widened.
"Fine! AND under many acres of private and public property."
A dawn of enlightenment crept over Typo's face. "Whoa. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!!" She dived for the door, but not before Sue pressed another of her cleverly concealed buttons and the door slammed shut.
"Pipe down, you foozle!" Sue cried.
"That's MY word!" Typo whined.
"Now, I suppose you all are wondering why I summoned you here tonight."
Beagle timidly raised a hand.
"Yes?"
"Umm.... technically, it's morning." She added hastily, "ma'am."
"But...but 'tonight' sounds so much better!"
As all this was going on, Typo had scooted her fluffy purple chair towards Sue's computer and had opened up Word.
"Now," Sue continued, "we are going to write a fanfic, and it shall be a nifty self-insertion one, where I get to glomp-err....I mean, WE get to glomp ALL our bishies! Like whenever we want!"
Beagle sunk down into her chair, and suddenly realized it was lavender scented.
"SO, we're going to get into Word, and then start-" as she spun around to gesture towards the computer, she noticed that Typo was already there. "Eh, right. Right, RIGHT, Typo, you are really good at following directions!" she beamed.
Typo, despite being the world's biggest computer nerd, PAINSTAKINGLY jabbed at the keyboard with her finger. Beagle wheeled her chair over to look over Typo's shoulder.
"'Sprosdic Rose Petal Fantrasies'...?" she read aloud.
"Eh, heh heh? Why don't YOU type, Beagle?" she said and graciously veered her chair out of the way. Beagle grinned, stretched her fingers, popped her neck, and took up her place at the computer:
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Sunlight peeped in Beagle's window. It gradually stretched itself across her bureau, chair, and finally onto her bed covers. Her lovely dreams of faeries, butterflies, and true love faded, and the real world suddenly came into focus-
Aw, come on Beagle, cut to the part where I glomp Kurama!
Well, even the worst authoresses at least EXPLAIN how they get to the bishies' world!
Fine, but make it short!
One day, Typo, Sue, and Beagle were walking to school from Typo's house. It was a wet, rainy day. Suddenly, as they were discussing the day's Geometry homework, a big, red truck sped by them, splashing through the puddle they happened to be walking by, and splattering them with muddy water. For a second, they were blinded by the muck, but as they rubbed their eyes to clear their vision, they realized that this was not the same world they had just left. They were still standing on a sidewalk, but this sidewalk was bright white, for the sun was shining in this world. The authoresses were standing in front of what appeared to be a high school. Just as they were catching their breath, a bell rung somewhere in that vicinity, and a few minutes later, students started wandering out of the building in various groups. They looked to be fairly normal teenagers, except for one thing: they were wearing the world's worst school uniforms. But not just any horrible school uniforms: the boys were clad in magenta, and the girls in vivid red. This seemed familiar.
Typo squinted up at the sign by which they were standing, completely ignoring the Kanji she had absolutely no hope of deciphering, and began to sound the out the ITTY-BITTY Hiragana printed above it: "MAAAAY-eeeeeeOOOO-EEEWWWW. Gee, I wonder what that could mean?" She smiled benignly.
Mary Sue pondered this for a moment, and then stared up at the sign. She looked back toward Typo, and thought a bit more before her eyes snapped open and her entire body went rigid. "Meiou, you nitwit!! That's KURAMA'S school! We're HERE!" She began hopping up and down excitedly like a bunny on steroids. "Where's Kurama? Where's Kurama?? Where's Kurama??? Where's Kurama????"
Whoa! OMG, I look HORRIBLE!! Why am I still dressed like this??
Beagle, it's 3:30 in the morning, no one cares how you look! NOW TYPE!!
Heck NO!!! What if someone calls me??
Uh, Beagle, do you have a phone cam?
No....
Then why does it matter what you look like?
Shut up. Don't touch ANYTHING while I'm gone, you guys!
.....YES! She's gone! I'M typing now!
Oooh, you got new manga.......
Suddenly, the crowd parted, revealing the closed double doors in the act of bursting open at the hands of the recently transformed Youko Kurama. He strode a few steps into the parking lot, and his ears began to twitch. He had picked up the scent of an extraordinarily gorgeous girl in the area, and his heart would not rest until he found her. Suddenly, he spotted her. Standing with two ordinary, plain looking girls, was the most beautiful creature, demon, human, or even deity, his amber eyes had ever been so blessed to look upon. As she turned around, laughing with her friends, wisps of raven-black, silky hair floated across her face, and the rest of it was blown behind her in a soft, shining wave. Her eyes took his breath away, sparkling as if the stars themselves had alighted beneath her eyelashes. They were made up of the loveliest combinations of shades of brown: mahogany, amber, chestnut, and burnt sierra crystallizing together to form prisms of radiant light that captivated the onlooker, and seemed to unleash the spirit of the mind-
Uh...hey, Sue, looks like you made a typo there.
WHAT?? No I didn't! Now go away, I'm in the middle of the best part.
No, seriously, right there!
Where?
There.
I spell-checked this thing like 3 billion times.
Yeah, but it's one of those grammar things where the computer doesn't pick it up because it's the right WORD, just not the right context, like "too" and "to"....well, and "two" for that matter-
Okay, okay FINE! Just fix the stupid thing.
Heh heh.....
-and all that stuff. But THEN, Kurama realized that it was not the soot-black haired, muddy brown-eyed girl that was the apple of his eye, but her seemingly unattractive friend. For she was not unattractive, but rather the most perfect specimen of female existence he had ever encountered, even from a distance. The sunlight filtered through the trees over her head, highlighting the dark-chocolate brown curls cascading down her back. She opened her mouth and bell-like laughter pealed through the crisp autumn air. Pearl-white teeth revealed themselves as her sweetly shaped lips curled into a grin-
Whoa, you guys! What the crap did you DO????
Umm...Beagle, why are you wearing a lacy halter-top and pleated mini-skirt?
Because it looks good on me, okay! But anyway, you destroyed the morality of the fic! Where is the innocence? Where is the friendship, the integrity, the loyalty to one's fellow authoresses?? WHERE IS THE LOVE??
Wait... hold on a second, Typo, you didn't fix a grammatical error, you wrote an entire paragraph!
.... I mean, if you can't trust the people you write fanfiction with, who can you trust?? Don't you understand? Together we must stand, or together we shall fall.
THAT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!!
Um...well, what happened, um, was...I was trying to uh, make you look..umm..BETTER...because, uh...
ME!!!!!!
No, wait, MarySue, what are you doing? GAAAAAAAHHH!! That BURNS!!!!
We can't quarrel over trivial things like bishies, or even real-life guys. They will come and go, but our friendship will stand true.
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah, screw it. If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em!
-that paled in comparison to the third girl's radiant exquisiteness. Her hair out-shined her two friends' by at least 26 sunglasses protection units. As she tossed it carelessly over her curved, slender shoulder, the sun caught it in all its natural blonde highlighted brunette glory. The perfect layers floated around her face, framing its ovular perfection, like a halo of golden-brown waves. Her extraordinary green eyes were softly outlined by long, smoky eyelashes, and the light flashed and danced in them as she smiled endearingly. And that smile, it brought back memories of all the good things that had ever happened in his life, and it chased away all the sadness and pain in a heartbeat-
Sue, STOP!!!! I swear, if you kick me one more time I-Whoa, Beagle?? What the crap'd you write??
Oh, listen to the koala calling the kangaroo a marsupial.
But, but....I was only making fun of Sue's horrible writing, I was gonna delete-Sue, Sue stop looking at me like that. No, I DIDN'T MEAN IT!! GAAAAHH! MY HAIR!!!
I'll just take this opportunity to inconspicuously leave the room.....
Oh NO YOU DON'T, YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!
owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie STO-O-OP!! ................ There, sorry Sue, I didn't WANT to knock you out, but it was absolutely necessary. You know, we need to do something to stop this stuff from happening. Like a contract.
A SOCIAL contract???
Well, umm.... we're not bargaining with a government to give up some freedom in order for them to provide protection.
But what if we had a government made up of muffins, and then puffins??
Oh, and then like our freedoms would be like the stuff we wouldn't be allowed to do, and the protection would be from...err....ourselves. Or more like Sue.
Hey...aw, it feels like someone shoved a bowling ball in my ear. What are you guys talking about....?
A social contract!
Okay, you know what, I'm just gonna cut this off here.
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Mary Sue's AN:
Okay, so this is sorta weird, but I promise, more bishies in second chapter. Or ...substitute bishies .....and a lot of Kurama ......I love Kurama ......so anyway, a few things need to be cleared up:
1. We do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
2. We would like to own Yu Yu Hakusho.
3. You do not WANT us to own Yu Yu Hakusho.
4. Kurama does not wear socks.
5. Puffins and muffins are not some clever, obsessee-only inside joke from YYH, nor do they have anything whatsoever to do with anything. They are simply figures created in our own sick, twisted, and highly in need of purpose in life imaginations.
6. Everything in this fic, from the first indenture even down to the last pixel of punctuation in this authoress's note, is a parody of other, horribly written, dangerously nauseating fanfics all over No offense to authors of fics in this category; although, if they DID write in this category, they probably wouldn't admit their fics were such.
7. Finally, my hair really IS silky, but it's not raven black. It's dark dark dark dark dark dark dark DARK brown. Thank you.