Colored light streams in from the stained glass windows and makes Momo's skin glow pink and yellow. She sits, hands folded on her lap, a foot from her sister in the front pew. Her legs dangle but don't kick as her lips move rhythmically, silently echoing her father's sermon. Sticking crimson blood and dark, deep-set bruises decorate her body. She turns and smiles. "Thank you, onee-chan."
"Kyoko... Baby, wake up." Sayaka's concerned face appears in the dark as she slowly returns to reality. "You looked so scared. Bad dream?"
She nods after a moment.
"Wanna tell me about it?"
Kyoko's voice is hoarse and doesn't come out easily. "I... can't remember it."
"Mm. Well, let me know if you do. I'm a big, strong magical girl, so I'll protect you from nightmares."
Kyoko smiles and closes her eyes again, but she hopes sleep and its terrors won't come. When they eventually do, they come quietly and stranglingly. They tie her to the bed and trap her in place. This time, the nightmare has no rhyme or reason, but a single image. Three mangled, burning bodies lie stagnant and haunting as Kyoko fights noiselessly through the rest of the night.
When she wakes up again in the morning, there is no comforting body next to her or drawing the curtains and demanding happily that she "rise and shine." Dread wells in the pit of her stomach as it always does before her nose picks up the scent of frying bacon from the nearby kitchen. She doesn't bother finding a robe or slippers and moves toward the smell in her long t-shirt and boxer shorts.
"Sayaka?" she mumbles sleepily.
"Oh, hey! Good morning! Breakfast is almost done."
She pulls out a chair and sits down heavily. "Why didn't you wake me up? I could have helped."
"Er..." Sayaka twirls her hair in one finger while sliding the bacon onto a plate. "You looked like you were sleeping well, and I... figured you could stand for that."
She places the bacon onto the table, already decorated with pancakes, eggs, fruit, and biscuits, on which Kyoko has been not-so-covertly nibbling since she sat down. It's true that they both need sleep, and the memories that plague Kyoko's mind at night are not far behind in the morning, even when she /can/ wake up to Sayaka's earnest smile and trusting arms. She feels like she's running from the law when she sees that smile. Someday Sayaka will find out who she really is.
But being apart from her is worse. Anxiety plants itself deep within her and grows abundantly with every inch she moves away. The security that Sayaka offers is worth the guilt. Not being with her feels like losing her again. It seems plausible that this is all a dream, and every time she wakes up alone, she assumes the worst.
"I can't believe I was so close to all this food and didn't wake up earlier."
Sayaka smiles and sits down next to her, two empty cups in one hand and a bottle of juice in the other. "Want some?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"I just felt like making something. So I made a lot of things."
Kyoko grins. "The more, the merrier." Sayaka pours the juice carefully and sets it down before scooting her chair closer to Kyoko's.
"So..."
Kyoko looks up from her food and mumbles incoherently before swallowing. "So what?"
"So you had a bad dream last night."
"I did."
"You remember it yet?"
"Nope."
They sit in silence for minutes before Sayaka squeezes Kyoko's free hand under the table and leans so that her head is resting on Kyoko's shoulder. "You talked a little."
Kyoko stiffens and pauses the motion of her fork halfway to her mouth. "I... I did?"
She sets the fork down as Sayaka closes her eyes. "Just a little."
"What... did I say?"
One arm encircles Kyoko's still body. "You just said, 'I'm sorry.' Over and over again."
Her eyes open again, and her hands, stained with blood, feel heavy. The walls are bright white and pulsing along with the organ music that encroaches with swelling pressure on her ears. She's naked and shivering in the wind that blows from some outside world that she can't see. Clutching the clouded red stone to her heart and squinting to find something that isn't pure white, she steps tentatively into a hidden vortex that feels liquid to the balls of her feet. She becomes a blur of red - hair, eyes, blood, soul - and plummets into a graying world, a place of fire.
Oh, she thinks. This is hell.
The white was like the heaven her father described when she was young. It wasn't beautiful or warm or even happy, only white. But the fire feels real. It feels like what she deserves. Because heaven to her isn't white and divine, but it is beautiful. It's the blue eyes she watched spill despairing tears as the soul gem turned black. It's the hand she never got to hold and the lips she never got to kiss. And she'd rather be eternally condemned to the fire than live alone in the whiteness that forces her to lose Sayaka over and over again.
"Morning, sunshine."
She's smiling like usual, but there's something off about the way her eyes are glued to Kyoko's, like she's searching for the answer to a question she can't ask.
"Good morning," Kyoko offers halfheartedly.
"Feeling okay?"
"Yeah, why?"
"You're not complaining about the light."
"Oh." She smiles and wags her finger mockingly. "Turn that off! It's too damn bright!"
Sayaka sits and leans against Kyoko's folded knees, fiddling with her hair. "Did you sleep okay?"
Kyoko nods.
"No more bad dreams?"
The memories of being unable to find Sayaka in her sleep are not far behind, but she lies, "No bad dreams."
"Good... That's good."
"No, yeah, I just figured I'm really lucky to have you, even if you turn the light on really early and shit. I mean, you made me breakfast yesterday. The least I can do is be nice."
"God, Kyo, you're starting to sound like a reasonable human being," she laughs and twists her arm under the cover and under Kyoko's loose-fitting t-shirt, placing one cool hand on her side. Kyoko gasps a little at the sudden cold. "Are you going soft?"
"I- I'm trying to," she giggles in response as Sayaka tickles her abdomen with a superior grin. "To be a 'reasonable human being.'"
Sayaka leans forward, one palm on the sheets, and kisses her softly. "I'm kidding, cutie."
"But," Kyoko breathes as Sayaka brushes her lips warmly against her jaw, "I really am. I'm sorry, Sayaka."
"It's okay." She leans forward so that her knee rests between Kyoko's thighs. "You don't have to do anything." Kyoko grasps the fabric of Sayaka's shirt and pulls her forward until they're an inch apart.
"I'm sorry, Sayaka."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I let you go," she whispers. "All of you. I killed all of you."
Sayaka looks down and shakes her head. "Can you come with me a second? I wanna show you something."
She pulls a newspaper clipping from her closet and brings it into the light of the kitchen, placing it on the coffee table. They sit, and Kyoko cringes at the headline: THREE DEAD, ONE MISSING IN SAKURA FAMILY FIRE.
"I'm sorry, I just... Do you want to... tell me about them? Can you?"
They are silent until Kyoko nods and picks up the page, knowing it's pointless to tell Sayaka she hasn't been thinking about it. Under the headline is a photo of the four of them smiling together, taken about a week after Kyoko's contract was made.
"They always used to tell me I looked just like him. Do you see it?" She doesn't wait for a response, and Sayaka doesn't offer one. "I don't know. I used to think it was just a little bit - they were exaggerating - but now I see it a lot. And Momo's just like Mama, see? They've got that smile. Kinda like yours, really, when I think about it."
Sayaka laughs a little and looks more closely at the picture.
"He used to hit them, y'know. Mama and Momo. I didn't really notice - maybe I was trying not to. It wasn't until after he found out, but he never did it to me. He never touched me. I used to think I was better than them because I was a magical girl. Isn't that fucked up? I thought God would tell him to love me more than them. And I was goddamn proud of it."
She scoots herself slightly away from Sayaka, eyes still glued to the photograph.
"Momo was so cute. She was the kind of kid who didn't cry about stupid stuff like wanting a new toy or something. I always did that. I guess she didn't really know anything but wanting at first though."
She exhales quietly.
"She didn't really have a lot of friends, but neither did I. She really liked Mami though. I guess we should have been closer because of that, but we weren't. She and I both followed my dad around, but I don't think I ever listened to her very much when she did talk to me. Maybe she would have told me about Papa. Maybe I wouldn't have ignored her if she'd said it out loud."
Sayaka rests her hand on Kyoko's under the table, noting that she could see the rough shape where the blurry glass of the table was uninterrupted by the photograph or Kyoko's other elbow. She squeezes the hand beneath hers, and Kyoko closes her eyes, still leaning away a bit as she breathes out with intentional steadiness.
"Sorry to bore you."
"No, Kyoko, I told you I wanted to hear about them. But you don't have to say anything you don't want to."
"Why'd you wanna hear my dumb stories?"
She thinks for a minute. "I know you have a lot to say. I'm just really sorry I didn't listen the first time."
Kyoko looks down, her ears and nose glowing pink. "That's dumb."
"I don't care. Tell me more, okay?"
They are silent for a few devastatingly long minutes.
"Hey, Sayaka... If I hadn't made my contract, sure, we would have been hungry. But something would have come up, I know. We could have gotten better, little by little, and maybe people would have really started listening. I know it would have worked out somehow."
Sayaka drops the hand she's holding as she searches for words.
"And if I hadn't been such a bitch, you would have worked out too. I took all the grief seeds, and you... you thought all magical girls were evil. If I hadn't acted like..." Her fingers clench and shake in white fists on her lap. "You would..."
"I came back because of you, Kyo. I wanted to see your stupid smile again. I did work out, y'know? I'm alive. That's 'cause of you." Kyoko leans back in her chair and sighs evenly, her eyes closed against unwanted wetness. "So I don't want you to be upset like that. I think... hurting people like that is a kind of evil - sorry if that offends you - that someone has to be born with. Nobody could just... God, I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. Nobody could do the things he did without being seriously evil. It wasn't because of you; he was just like that. Maybe it would have happened anyway."
"That's my dad, Sayaka."
"I know, I'm sorry. But I really think it's not your fault. That doesn't mean you're going to be like him, because I know you won't. But I promise you, you can't create that kind of evil in someone. It has to have been there his whole life."
"Then I..."
"No." Her voice is breaking. "I don't see it. I don't. You don't look like him, and you're not like him. I can see the ugliness in his eyes. He scares me, and you... make me feel safe."
"Sayaka..."
"So let me see your stupid smile. I think it looks just like Momo's in the picture, see? I miss seeing it. I came back to see you happy, Kyoko. I want to make you happy." Tears drip down her cheeks and onto her knees as she leans into Kyoko's flannel-covered collarbone.
Kyoko pulls her forward and into her arms as she sobs like a child on her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "Sayaka, I'm so sorry."
"S-stop. Don't say that. I keep telling you, it's not your fault. You didn't... let me die. You saved me."
She sighs and squeezes the crying girl in her lap. "Thank you for telling me. I'm so happy."
"I love you, Kyoko."
She kisses her shoulder and strokes her back, and Sayaka's sobbing slows to a sniffle. "I love you, too." She can feel a smile forming where Sayaka's face is buried, and she embraces wholeheartedly the warmth of the body in her arms, thinking she needs a million more ways to thank her.