Title: Desert

Rating: PG

Warnings: Some language

Disclaimer: Wufei says that since I wrote this story, I own him! Yay! *wide grin* What's that, Wu-kins? You didn't? You said I owe you, not own you? But … but …  *sighs* I was so close that time, so close.

A/N: I think there should be a category called attempted humor. *sigh* Just in case you didn't catch on in the summary, this is not a pairing fic. There are no pairings. Yaoi and non-yaoi fan friendly!  Just a silly little one shot I ended up writing when I should have been preparing for finals. Any comments are greatly appreciated, as always!

Dedication: To sleepless nights and my good buddy Tash-chan, who I still maintain is at fault for the creation of this fic ^_~

::undisclosed location within Libyan Desert, Sudan::

            "Water balloons … thunderstorms … waterfalls … swimming pools …"

            He stumbled slightly on the uneven surface, cursed, and kept walking.

            "Iceberg … ice cubes … mmm, popsicles …. ice cream … chocolate ice cream, with caramel sauce and candy bars and fudge ripples and … Fei! I'm hungry!" He stopped walking, slumped dejectedly as his bangs clung haphazardly to his face. The air was sweltering, and Duo huffed indignantly as the heat seemed to intensify. Okay, so standing still wasn't a good idea ….

            Wufei kept walking.

            "Fei!" he tried again, putting on his most pitiful pout as he scampered forward through the burning sands with the intent of catching his moody companion. Wufei wrenched his arm out of Duo's grasp the moment his hands made contact, and dark eyes suddenly glared back at him.

            "It's your own fault, you know! I didn't tell you to think about food …" the Asian muttered, lifting a hand to rake across his perspiring forehead wearily. "And standing around won't get us out of this mess, so keep moving!"

            "I can't help it! It's too damn hot not to fantasize!" Duo huffed, trudging along reluctantly at Wufei's side. "I know you have rations in that bag … can't we just stop, for a little while?"

            "No."

            "Why?"

            "Because I said so."

            "That's a dumb reason."

            "…"

            "Aww, come on, Wufei! I haven't eaten since this morning! I'm wasting precious calories walking around in this damn desert, I need to eat!"

            "We are not stopping. We have to keep moving."

            "But …!"

            "You can eat something out of the pack, but we aren't stopping!" A wide smile accented Duo's features immediately, and draped one arm around Wufei in a sort of awkward hug as he reached for the bag with his other hand. Wufei shrugged awkwardly.

            "Get off of me, Maxwell! It's too hot."

            "Yeah, tell me about it!" Duo said, jerking the bag around as he searched for the food packets. "At least you aren't wearing black! And my hair isn't helping matters. It's collecting sand like it's going out of style!" Wufei rolled his eyes at the strange expression.

            "Are you done yet?!" he asked wearily.

            "Just a sec!" Duo retorted. "Where's the ice cream, Fei?" The solemn pilot stopped abruptly, nearly causing Duo to topple over him into the hot sand. The braided boy yelped in surprise, meeting the incredulous look the other pilot gave him.

            "Why'd you stop?" Duo asked irritably. "I about took a nose dive there!"

            "Ice cream?" Wufei repeated mockingly. "Has the sun gotten to your brain, Maxwell?!"

            "Geez, I was kidding, Fei," Duo sighed, shaking a packet of dried fruit at the boy. "I'm not stupid! I found something, okay? Can I have some water?"

            "No."

            "But Fei!"

            "I said no! We have to ration it! We started out with too little as it is! Now get away from me and let's go!"

            "Tch. Someone's ponytail is a little too tight today," Duo said moodily, closing Wufei's bag and tearing into his pouch of food. Wufei huffed and whirled, doubling his step as they started walking again. Duo whined.

            "Slow down, would ya?"

            "Absolutely not! We're behind schedule as it is!"

            "But Fei, we've been walking for hours! I'm tired! Can't you at least go at a human pace?"

            "It is not my fault that you are not conditioned properly."

            "Not mine either …" Duo replied lightly, promptly dumping the packet into his mouth before tossing the wrapping away carelessly. He chewed thoughtfully for a minute, trailing behind Wufei and forcing every step. He felt so weak … exhausted … he just needed five minutes of rest …

            "Will you carry me?" he asked suddenly, throwing himself at Wufei's back and securing his arms around Wufei's shoulders.

            "Get off of me!"

            "No! I need a rest! If you won't stop then I'm gonna let you drag me!"

            "I'm already carrying the pack, Maxwell! How much lazier are you going to get?! No, I refuse to carry your weight around. Get off of me right now."

            "But … hmph, fine," Duo relinquished his hold, rubbing his ribs where Wufei's elbow had suddenly jabbed him. "You're in a fine mood today."

            "What do you expect?!" Wufei growled. "We're stranded in the middle of a desert! This isn't a pleasure hike, you know! The mission has gone to hell, and we're miles from anything, and … and  you aren't helping!"

            "Hey, don't look at me like that! It's not like it's my fault that your precious gundam decided to have an electrical failure!" Wufei spun around, a furious look on his face.

            "Yes it is! It's totally your fault!"

            ::flashback::

            "Ow, shove over, Wu," Duo grumbled. "My ankle's asleep. I need to stretch."

            "Shut up, Maxwell. You know there's not room for that."

            "Well, why'd we have to take only one gundam anyway?" Duo complained, wincing a little as he attempted to shift his tingling limbs to restart the blood flow. "This is stupid."

            "You know the answer to that," Wufei said sternly, keeping his eyes straight ahead. "Nataku is more adept at desert travel than your gundam, and we won't need both for the mission anyway. You're sneaking into the base while I distract. So stop complaining and put up with it!"

            "But … why'd we have to leave Deathsycthe all the way back there? I could've brought him most of the way," Duo whined.

            "And risk detection? Out of the question."

            "Yeah yeah, whatever you say," Duo rolled his eyes. "I don't see why I have to be shoved in the frickin' corner though … I mean, you seem to have enough room!"

            "That's because I'm piloting. This is my gundam, remember?"
            "You aren't a very good host," Duo wrinkled his nose. "Whatever. Seriously, I have to stretch for a minute or I won't be able to walk when we get there. Hang on, Fei."

            "Maxwell, what …?"

            Duo twisted around, extending his legs as best he could in the small area he was given. One of his boots unwittingly smashed into an important looking console. Duo winced as something started to beep.

            "Um … oops?"

            "What the heck did you do?!" Wufei roared, his eyes wide as his controls started to fail.

            "It was an accident!"

            "Well, I'm losing a lot of power here! Fix it!"

            "How am I supposed to do that?!"

            "I don't care, just do it!"

            "Don't yell at me!"

            "You deserve it!"

            "Shut up!"

            There was a considerable amount of frantic shuffling and cursing, but in the end it didn't matter. The damage had been done, and Wufei's gundam came to a halt. It wouldn't be moving again until repairs could be done. The tools that he needed to repair the malfunction would have normally been easily accessible in the cockpit, but with the extra passenger he had been forced to move them. They were, at that moment, sitting back in Deathscythe's cockpit.

            Wufei's head fell into his hands as he groaned.

            ::end flashback::

            "Heh heh …" Duo laughed nervously. "Well, laying the blame won't get us anywhere, Fei. Though I still say we should have brought Scythe, too. We wouldn't be in this mess otherwise."

            "Would you be quiet already?!" Wufei demanded. "Hindsight won't help us either! Now keep walking."

            "I am walking," Duo responded. "Geez, touchy. How much farther?"

            "How should I know?"

            "…Because you're leading?"

            "I am not!"

            "Well, I'm following you!"

            "I was just heading in the general direction! I gave you the navigating tools!"

            "Oh … no you didn't. They're still in the bag." Wufei's eyes grew deadly as he ground his teeth together.

            "So you're saying we've been walking all this way, and you don't even know where we are?! You lost us?!"

            "Hey, calm down. We're headed the right way, you know. No need to have a coronary," Duo tried to pacify him.

            "You're hopeless. This is hopeless," Wufei groaned, his hands fisted at his sides.

            "Hey, calm down, man. It's not so bad. We've gotta be close, right? I mean, we've been out here forever!" Duo said, attempting to cheer up his despondent companion. Wufei scowled at him half-heartedly.

            "Do you have any idea how big this desert is?" he asked icily.

            "Um, no," Duo replied. "And I don't think I wanna know. Listen, sorry for complaining so much. I'll be quiet for a little while, huh?"

            "Yeah, like I believe that," Wufei rolled his eyes, but his sour expression faded considerably. "Get the navigation stuff out of the pack and make yourself useful."

            "Okay," Duo agreed readily, reaching over again to rummage through the bag. He fished his hand around in the bottom for a minute, sighing. "There's a lot of stuff in here, Fei. You sure it's in here?"

            "You're the one who said it was."

            "Oh yeah … hey, look! There's still a little bit of oil left! How's your war paint holding up?" Wufei frowned at the reference, lifting a hand absently to finger at the dried mucky substance marring his upper cheeks. He'd forgotten it was there; now, he was berating himself for ever letting the braided menace talk him into such a stupid idea.

            ::flashback::

            "For the last time, Maxwell, I'm not letting you stay here!" Wufei bellowed from where he stood at the base of his gundam. They had not been able to hide it very well, and Wufei wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so that he could return for it. "Get down here right now!"

            "Hold on!" Duo's voice floated down, and Wufei looked away into the sweltering desert around them with a huff. Whatever OZ was doing with a base in the middle of a damn desert was beyond him; he had not been out in the environs for more than five minutes, and already he was uncomfortably warm.

            He had failed to notice Duo's appearance next to him, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the braided pilot reached out toward his face.

            "Ack! Stay away from me!" he gave a rather unflattering yelp, jolting backward. He paused, his eyes widening as he took in Duo's face. The boy had something black smeared beneath either eye, and he was smiling maniacally at Wufei. His fingers were covered with the same suspicious substance.

            "What. Is. That?" Wufei bit out warily. Duo dimpled.

            "Just plain old oil, I swear," he said impishly. "Come on, it helps keep the burn of the sun out of your eyes. Believe me, your eyes will thank you for it later. Now just hold still!"

            "No!" Wufei ducked out of his range once more. "You are not putting that stuff on me! You've lost it already!"

            "Have not! Look, it's just something I read about. Might as well give it a try with me, huh? Hey, there's no one around to see you. Please, Wufei? Just a little?" His eyes grew wide and pleading, and Wufei gave an annoyed sigh.

            "Will it get you to shut up?"

            "Anything you say, Fei-kins!" Wufei's eyes narrowed. Right, like he was going to believe that. But Duo wasn't relenting … it didn't look like he had a choice.

            "Tch. Fine. But I'm putting on myself."

            ::end flashback::

            "Hello? Earth to Fei? You still in there, man?" A light jerk on his pack and Duo's persistent voice brought him back to reality. He shook his head slightly; the heat was getting to him a little, as much as he hated to admit it.

            "I'm fine, Maxwell," Wufei said blandly. "Have you found what you need yet, or are you going to yank me around all day."

            "Hmm, as tempting as that offer sounds …" Duo said, humor evident in his voice. Wufei snorted, and Duo laughed. "Chill out, man. Here, I've got it." He pulled away, moving to walk beside Wufei as he held up the tracking device and global compass. Wufei watched him for a moment with detached interest, then turned back to look in front of him. The air shimmered with heat, playing with his senses and making him somewhat dizzy. It was so hot … his stomach clenched in slight squeamishness. He wasn't fairing much better than Duo, he guessed; not that he would ever admit it.

            "I still don't know how far we have to go," Duo sighed, hanging his hands heavily at his sides. He shoved the compass in one pocket and kept the tracking device fisted loosely in his left hand. "Are you sure we can't stop for a rest?"

            "Yes."

            "Positive?"

            "Yes."

            "So it's a definite."

            "Yes!"

            "Not even up for discussion?"

            "Maxwell!" Wufei barked irritably. "Do you have to be so annoying right now?! Can't it wait until we aren't in a life threatening situation?!"

            "Sure, why didn't you say so?" Duo grinned, reaching to pat Wufei on the head. His hand withdrew quickly, a slightly astonished look on his face.

            "Geez, Fei, your head is hot!"

            "What were you expecting?! My hair is black!" Wufei growled.

            "Well yeah, but … I didn't think …" Duo trailed off, shrugging. "You must feel terrible. You shoulda brought a hat."

            "Sorry, guess I forgot to pack," Wufei said, sarcasm permeating his voice.

            "Did we bring any paper maps? I could make you a paper hat!"

            "No, we do not have any paper maps, Maxwell. Now, could you stop talking?!"

            "Sir yes sir," Duo mock saluted, then abandoned the gesture to pull his sweat-matted bangs out of his face. The two walked in silence for all of five seconds.

            "I think I'm melting …"

            "Maxwell ...!"

            "Seriously … my legs feel like putty … my face is practically oozing off …"

            "Maxwell …!"

            "You know what would be good right now? One of those little umbrella drinks. You know, with lots of ice and a cute cocktail umbrella sticking out of it? Pink for you, of course, Wu-man. Yeah, that would be good … Heck, I'd even settle for one of those stupid health drinks that Quatre is always trying to shove down my throat. Heh, course he'd go nuts if he ever heard me say that … Or maybe…"

            "That's it! Can't you ever shut up?!" Wufei snapped. He was tired, irritable, and sweating buckets. He felt dizzy and sticky and he did not want to put up with stupid idle chatter. With one perfected lunge he had pounced on the unsuspecting pilot, sending him sprawling into the loose sand with a slight cry. They toppled over each other, grappling to invariably hurt the other and free themselves from the rolling scuffle.  They toppled down the slight decline, hot sand coating them and burning any exposed flesh.

            Finally they managed to break free of one another, each glaring murderously at the other as they struggled to their feet. Duo brushed sand from his sleeves and front as Wufei shook himself, trying to rid himself of the scalding sensation on his bare arms.

            "Are you freakin' insane?!" Duo demanded, reaching back and moaning when he felt the caches of sand now nestled in his thick hair. "What the hell was that for?!"

            "I told you … to be quiet …" Wufei ground out, his eyes narrowed. "Of all the people to get stuck out here with …"

            "Oh, suck it up, Chang," Duo rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to lighten the situation, you know."

            "By complaining and sniveling the whole way?!" Wufei snorted, lifting an arrogant eyebrow.

            "No! I'm just voicing what you won't! Hell, Fei, I know you're feeling it too! You look like hell! I seriously think we should take a rest, not just for my sake! If it was only for me, I wouldn't say anything, okay?!" Wufei blinked, opened his mouth, then closed it again. Steeling his face and taking a deep breath, he turned on his heel slowly.

            "Let's go. We'll rest when we get there."

            "I'm only trying to look out for you, ya know," Duo said softly, falling in stride next to the Chinese boy. Wufei gave him an askance look, but his expression softened slightly.

            "There is no need … but thank you for your concern," he said stiffly, turning his eyes ahead once more. Duo blinked, his step faltering for a moment, and he grinned widely.

            "Any time, Wu-man!"

            "Stop calling me that."

            "But I like it."

            "And I don't. I don't go around calling you whatever I like."

            "…Well, you could. I wouldn't mind."

            "I don't want to! I just want you to stop!"

            "Okay, okay, you don't have to … ah!" The sudden cry from the other pilot made Wufei stop, turning toward his companion curiously.

            "What? What's wrong?" Duo grabbed Wufei's arm, jerking him around.

            "Look look look!" he implored eagerly, pointing across the bronze sands. "Please tell me that isn't a mirage."

            "If it's a mirage, I see it too," Wufei said softly, his eyes taking in the sight of the small blue pool in the distance. Duo gave a whoop, and he started to run with Wufei still in his grip.

            "An oasis! Score!" he crowed, dragging Wufei along, heedless to the Asian's adamant protests at being toted like a piece of baggage. Duo's energy seemed renewed, and Wufei had no choice but to follow as he sprinted toward the water. There was sparse vegetation around the small pool, but nothing like what Wufei would have expected to find in an oasis. Something was amiss …

            "I'm so thirsty!" Duo exclaimed, releasing Wufei as they came within a few meters of the small oasis.

            "Duo, no!" Wufei commanded, causing Duo to stop in his tracks. The braided boy didn't even register that the other had called him by his first name; he was too affronted by Wufei's stern order.

            "Why not?! You won't let me drink from the canteens!"

            "But Duo …!"

            "I don't care if it's dirty! It can't be that bad! 'Sides, I'm thirsty!"

            "But you don't understand …!"

            "Geez, Wufei, lighten up! Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink![1]'?" Duo rolled his eyes, and turned to collapse next to the calm pool. Wufei sighed in exasperation, watching Duo cup his hands and bring some of the clear liquid up to his lips. The braided boy slurped it up happily, and immediately started sputtering.

            "Yarg! Gah, get it out! Get it out!" he howled, on his feet and dancing around as he spit profusely and waved his hands around. Wufei couldn't help but smirk.

            "I'm not the type to say I told you so, but …"

            "Shut up, Chang!" Duo turned murderous eyes on the amused pilot. Wufei flashed his teeth in a sardonic grin.

            "I told you so."

            "Well why didn't to tell me more clearly?! Not a 'Hey Duo, that's saltwater there, buddy' or a 'On second thought, here's a canteen'. Oh no! Bet you enjoyed that, you sadistic creep!" Wufei sighed, letting the bag slide from his back. He opened it, reached in, and promptly pulled out a canteen. He tossed it at the braided pilot, who caught it with a surprised expression on his face.

            "There. Stop whining. Just a few sips."

            "Thanks, Wu-ma …er, Wufei!" Duo said brightly, all hints of anger gone, and he uncapped the container hastily before he began to gulp it down. Wufei reached out to snatch it away.

            "Hey, I said sips!" He tore the canteen away from Duo, who shrugged innocently.

            "Depends on your definition of sip, now doesn't it?" he said, winking, and stretched his arms out above his head. "Go ahead and have some too. I'm sure your dehydrating." Wufei wasn't about to argue; he took a couple of frugal sips, just enough to wet his mouth, before placing the canteen back in the bag.

            "I seem to remember passing a similar oasis on our trip out in Nataku, so I think we are still headed in the right direction," he said casually. Duo grinned.

            "Good to hear!" he said. "Was it close? I'm seriously about to pass out from the heat."

            "I don't remember clearly. And stop whining."

            "What? It's the truth, you know it is."

            "And you expect me to fix it for you?"

            "Well yeah, that'd be nice."

            "Okay, but remember, you asked for it."

            "Wufei? What …?" Duo didn't get a chance to finish his sentence. The Chinese pilot reached out deftly, giving Duo a hearty shove. With wide eyes, Duo went toppling backward straight into the placid surface of the water. A resounding splash echoed through the air, followed by thrashing and angry sputters as Duo sat up in the water. Dripping with the cool liquid, he glared up at the smirking pilot.

            "Wufei!"

            "At least it's shallow. You are in no danger of drowning," Wufei said tonelessly. Duo gawked at him.    

            "Your brain has officially been fried, Wufei. Was that a joke?!"

            "Are you done, or would you like to wade some more?" Wufei parried the question easily. Duo sighed, extending a dripping hand up toward the other pilot.

            "A little help?"

            Without thinking, Wufei automatically offered his palm to the devious boy.

            He scarcely had time to give a squawk of protest before he felt himself tugged mercilessly into the pool next to a smirking Shinigami.

            Sometime later, the two boys were walking again, their clothing still soggy from the excursion in the oasis. Wufei found that the cool sensation of the damp clothes actually made him feel a lot better. His head felt clearer as well.

            "You know, Wufei, you're damn lucky the navigation equipment is waterproof. You could've busted them," Duo said lightly, his wet braid swinging casually behind him. Wufei shrugged.

            "It's not like you're doing any navigating anyway, Maxwell," Wufei retorted dryly.

            "Oi! That's hitting low, Chang."

            "I only speak the truth."

            "Yeah yeah, I don't see you doing much."

            "Untrue. I'm carrying the pack."
            "Oh … wanna switch?" Wufei gave a small smirk.

            "Not on your life."

            "Tch. Why not?!"

            "Because," Wufei gestured with his hand to the ridge of the dune they were scaling. "I have a feeling we haven't far to go."

            "Wha …oh!" Duo exclaimed, turning his eyes to see something familiar coming slowly into view. The dark metal plating of a very dear friend. "Scythe! 'Bout damn time! C'mon, Fei, can't you go any faster?" With that the braided boy took off up the hill, slipping on the loose sand recklessly as he laughed. Wufei watched him, slightly disbelieving his change in demeanor. Then, shaking his head, he followed the trail that Duo had left scrabbled in the sand.

            "This is not fair. I repeat, this is not fair!"

            "Need I remind you whose fault this was in the first place?" Wufei said calmly from the pilot seat of Deathscythe. Duo glared viciously at him.

            "You are a petty man, Chang Wufei," he sniffed. "You only want my legs to suffer."

            "Consider it justice well served," Wufei shrugged casually. "I promise you'll have him back safe and sound once we get back to Nataku and you fix the problem you caused."

            "What? Me fix the problem?! But …" Duo sighed, squirming under the set of tools that he was forced to hold in his lap.

            "I'll be supervising, of course. I wouldn't want anything to happen to my gundam, after all …"

            "I'm never going on a mission with you again," Duo said mournfully. "You're mean."

            "Thank you," Wufei said smugly. "Oh, and Maxwell?"

            "What now?!"

            "I'll let you have the honor of explaining to Yuy exactly why our mission was not completed."

            "… Yes, you are cruel," Duo said after a slight pause. Wufei smirked, and for a moment the cockpit was nothing but blissful silence. Suddenly, it was shattered by Duo as laughter bubbled in his throat.

            "What?" Wufei asked.

            "Oh, I was just thinking what I was going to tell Heero," came the casual reply. "Something along the lines of 'Mission shot to shit, pilots 02 and 05 succumbed to sunstroke. Do it your damn self.' Catchy, huh?" Wufei snorted, but gave no reply.

::undisclosed safehouse, 10 hours later::

            "Ow … ow … OW!"

            "I heard you the first time, Maxwell!"

            "Yeah, well it still hurts! Stop poking that!"

            "It needs treatment."

            "Does not!"

            "It does if you want it to heal within the next few days."

            "Tch, what you know, Mr. Look-at-me-I'm-already-tan-I-don't-burn-like-a … OW! You did that on purpose!"

            "…I'll do it again if you don't be quiet and sit still. These burns are very serious, Maxwell."

            "It's just a sunburn, Fei, I can … ow! Give me that stuff and let me do it already! You hurt!"

            "Fine … whatever you say. Just remember to be liberal with it, or you'll be the color of a tomato and swollen up like one for quite a few days."

            "Shut up. I hear your mental laughter."

            "Look on the bright side, Maxwell …"

            "Oh? What bright side would that be, Chang?"

            "The oil you put on your face kept that part of your skin quite safe. You aren't burned there."

            Duo turned toward the mirror, and his mouth fell open in shock. His face was an angry shade of vermilion, with the exception of a wide white mark on either cheek. He groaned.

            "Well, that's just great …"

            Wufei couldn't help it. The look on Duo's face was priceless. He broke down into a fit of snickering. Duo huffed.

            "It's not funny! Wufei! Fei! Shut up! Come on! Fei!"


[1] I took this line from The Simpsons. It just fit too well … gomen ne!