"Here, Hide," Touka moaned as she handed me my coffee, rubbing her head.
"Thanks," I said. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just a bit tired," she moaned. "Kaneki's just been causing some trouble for us lately."
"Oh really? What's going on?"
"Well he's... he's been eating some people."
I blinked.
"Eating people?"
"You know..." She looked around before she whispered in my ear. "He's been eating people up."
"Oh." I felt my face turn red. "Ohhhh." Kaneki-kun, I didn't think you had it in you. "W-well, that is a real biggie, how many people has he 'been eating'?"
"Ugh, too many," my waitress growled. "I'm a bit surprised he needed to do it more than once within a month. It's mainly just everyone he hates."
"Are you serious!?" I cried. "He's 'eating' people he doesn't like!? A-and you're sure he shouldn't see someone-"
"No, no, that's perfectly normal. If he's hungry, he'd naturally eat somebody he doesn't like. Makes sense, doesn't it?"
"Um..." What planet am I on right now, 'cause it surely ain't Mother Earth.
"I'm starting to get worried. He must be getting sick after all of that."
"Him getting sick!?" I cried as I stood up. "You and the others here at Anteiku must be disgusted by all of this!"
"It wasn't that bad when he first started, but now it's getting a little out of hand. Especially with the pigs."
"... P-pigs?" I asked slowly. "My best friend is... 'eating up' pigs?"
"Oh, yes, especially bores," the raven haired beauty replied. "I'm a bit surprised he likes animals, and even more shocking to see how many he eats."
I held my head, trying not to faint as I leaned back in my chair.
"... Sh-shouldn't you be getting him a doctor...?" I asked as I sipped my coffee.
"We could, but when you get down to it, we've eaten just as meany people."
I spat out my drink.
"Y-you, too, Touka-chan...?"
"Mm-hmm."
"... P-pigs, too?"
"No, I settle fine with humans."
I rubbed my eyes and took a sip from my drink. My head was spinning.
"Please just tell me you've talked to him about this!"
"I was about to, but he's not in the mood. He gave himself a stomach ache, must have been one of the people he ate."
"OH!" I cried. "Eating, ghouls, okay I get it, we're on the same page. A-anyway, I'm sorry about all of that."
"Yes, well, when he gets back on his feet, we're probably gonna fire him."
"What? Why?"
"Haven't you been listening!? He fucks everything that breaths!" Touka cried as she slapped the check against my face before storming off.
I watched her walk away as the paper slid off of my cheek.
"What planet am I on?"
A/N: I have no idea why I made this. This was meant to come out on Halloween, but... Oh well.