Love and other impossible things

~SQ~SQ~

Emma Swan was unhappy. And she was a fucking idiot.

She had always been miserable. Her life wasn't rainbows and cupcakes, and for the longest time she never thought it would be.

But then she met this boy. Well, this kid who barged into her apartment, claiming he was her son. And she took him back to where he came from, but he wouldn't let her say goodbye because she was where he came from, kind of.

And he'd talk about fairytales and magic and how she was the 'Savior'. And she thought it was some cracked out fantasy, that she had birthed a loon, and part of her, a tiny part, was even gladder that she gave him up all those years before, because a girl like her couldn't take care of a boy like him. She was crazy enough as it was.

But another part of her, that part was grateful. For this kid who had found her. Who believed in her when no one else did. A kid who thought she could save anyone from anything.

Because saving wasn't what Emma Swan did. Running was, and this kid, and his mom, his real mom, the one who had cared for him and soothed his fears and made sure he went to bed at a decent hour and ate his vegetables and did his homework, they challenged Emma to stay, to not run.

And Emma Swan doesn't back down from a challenge.

So she stayed, and she broke up some fucked up curse, and she fell in love with the little boy, her little boy.

And finding out that she was the long lost but completely forgotten daughter of Snow White and Prince Charming actually didn't shake her as much as she supposed it should have. Because, of fucking course. Her birth parents, the ones she used to wish for late at night when she thought no one could hear her, of course they were characters from a fairytale she had never really liked to begin with. Of course they had an excuse for not finding her, even though they would always find each other. Of course.

Because that's how her life had always gone.

And maybe fucking the Evil Queen hadn't been the answer, but it had damn sure felt good.

~SQ~SQ~

But now Emma didn't feel good. Because between breaking the queen's curse and Neverland and the Wicked Witch, between all of those completely ridiculous moments, she fell in love.

And Emma Swan didn't do love.

Because love only hurt.

She had loved Neal and lost him three times. Three times that hurt a whole hell of a fucking lot and she could do without any more pain, thanks very much. She had had enough pain in her life.

But she had also loved Henry, and loving Henry was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

And the Savior pondered maybe this is what her life was supposed to be.

A life without a romantic love, just a powerful, all consuming love for her son. That's what Jesus had, wasn't it? He sacrificed himself and his happiness so that everyone else could be happy. Or maybe it was God.

But then God fucked up and sacrificed Jesus, his son, right? And Emma gave up Henry once and it tore her to pieces, although she hadn't realized she was broken until he showed up ten years later to put her back together.

So maybe she wasn't like Jesus or God, and that was fine with her. Because she had never been really religious anyway.

~SQ~SQ~

Emma gave Henry up all those years ago, but she got a second chance. She got a year where she raised her son, all alone, and they were happy. She did it. She was a good mom.

And she got memories, so many good memories, of being a good mom. Of soothing him when he cried when he was little. Of being the only person in his life. Of being his True Love, just as he was hers.

And when that haze of fulfilled dreams she had kept long buried turned out to be nothing more than a really fancy magic trick, she was mad.

She had been cheated. She shouldn't have to save everyone. She shouldn't have to give up her happiness for the happiness of others. No one had ever done that for her.

~SQ~SQ~

Except, someone had done that for her.

And Emma Swan was just too damn selfish to realize it until it was too late.

So she was fucking miserable, in her loft apartment in a city she wasn't even sure she liked any more. Trying to get herself off. Trying to forget.

But she couldn't forget. Not when the tongue she was imagining ghosting over her clit belonged to her. Not when the fingers thrusting inside of her pussy didn't do the same things, didn't bring the same feelings, as hers did. Not when she was close on the edge, a sweaty mess, hair all over, and the only name she could think of, the only person she could think of was –

"Regina," she moaned, quietly. It was always quietly. On nights like this. When she couldn't take it. When she couldn't get the other woman off of her mind.

~SQ~SQ~

Because it had been Regina who had been like God. Sacrificing her son for other people's happiness. Not in the same way God had done, no. Regina wouldn't ever be so cruel, despite her title as Evil Queen.

Because Regina had loved her son, so goddamn much. And when she had to give him up, to save everyone, she had sacrificed her all to make sure he was happy.

And she made sure Emma was happy, too. That Emma and Henry could be happy together.

~SQ~SQ~

And they had been happy, so happy. Before. Together.

But that was before Zelena and the new curse and the new Charming baby that was named after Neal. It was before she tried to marry a man who had been turned into a monkey, who never loved her. No one ever loved her. And she didn't love him either.

But that didn't matter, because nothing mattered, and he was there and he had promised to make her happy and that's all she ever wanted.

And that's what Henry had wanted, a family.

It had been before all that. Before, they had been happy.

But now, they weren't. Not after Emma had taken Henry in the middle of the night back to New York without telling anyone.

People knew, of course. Snow White, David, they knew. They judged her.

How could she do this to them?

Because that's what it was, always. Everything was done to them, and it was wrong.

She wondered if that's how Regina felt all those years ago.

~SQ~SQ~

Regina.

The one person who didn't know. The only person Emma's plans were unknown to.

Regina didn't know Emma wanted to go back to New York. To take Henry with her. To the life they had had there, however contrived. Because it had been a happy life.

And Regina knew it had been a happy life, because she had given it to them.

And while Emma was fucking Regina, she didn't think about telling her. Of admitting that that life Regina had given her was everything, meant everything, and thank you so much for that.

No, all Emma was thinking about was getting herself off, and getting the queen off in the process. Of feeling good, no consequences.

But there were always consequences.

She should have known.

~SQ~SQ~

The worst part, Emma thinks as she starts fiercely rubbing her clit again, desperate to get off, to forget, to forget Regina and Storybrooke and how to think, is that if she had told Regina, Regina would have told them to go.

Not because she didn't want Henry. God, she wanted Henry so badly and so much. But because she knew Henry had been happy in New York and she wanted what was best for her son.

Regina knew. Regina was the mother Emma could only ever pretend to be.

Because Emma didn't know what was best for Henry. If she did, she wouldn't have ripped him away from his home.

She wouldn't have ripped herself away from her home.

But, at the time, she didn't know her home was in Storybrooke.

She didn't know her home was Regina.

~SQ~SQ~

They had been back for a week now. And Henry hated her.

And it killed her because all she ever wanted was his love. And all it took for him to hate her was a week.

But he hated her, for taking away everything, for taking away his home, his mom.

And that broke Emma's heart. Because she knew it was true.

New York wasn't Henry's home. And she wasn't his mom. She really never had been, had she?

But she could pretend. She had been pretending her entire life. Henry was just being moody. This was a phase.

Maybe she could delude herself if she tried really hard. If she could find someone else to think about late at night when the apartment was deathly silent. Late at night when she was consumed by her thoughts, by her guilt, by the consequences of her actions. Late at night when all she could think about was Regina and how good Regina had felt.

And how much she missed her.

~SQ~SQ~

Henry kept pushing her away, but Emma didn't even care anymore. She really didn't.

All Emma cared about was pushing thoughts of her away. So late at night, when Henry was safely tucked in bed, Emma Swan would sneak out of the apartment. And she would go to a bar.

Somewhere dark. Somewhere where no one knew her. Where no one thought she was the Savior or anything other than a desperate girl, looking to get fucked.

And every night was the same. She'd meet a stranger. Always brunette. Always tan. Always with dark, brooding eyes. But she tried not to think too much about what that might mean.

Because she didn't come to these bars to fuck Regina. She came to these bars to forget.

~SQ~SQ~

"God, yes," she breathed.

She didn't know whose cock was inside her, but it didn't matter. She didn't care that it was rougher than she liked. She didn't care that she felt out of control. She didn't care that she was pressed up against a toilet in a dirty bathroom in a dirty bar in a seedy part of town.

She didn't care that she had to keep rubbing circles on her clit because whoever the fuck the cock belonged to really didn't know how to use it. She was just glad it was being used on her.

She liked the feel of the thrusts of his hips against her ass. Of the cock going in and out of her. Of his grunts.

Because it was so unlike Regina, so unlike her warmth and her care and her hands and her smile when she knew Emma was about to fall off the edge and her teasing and that look in her eyes as she watched Emma come undone.

This dirty fuck in a dirty bathroom with a stranger was nothing like that.

"Come for me, bitch," the guy grunted.

And Emma did. Or, well, she faked it.

Because he wasn't Regina and she couldn't.

~SQ~SQ~

It had been a month. A long month of Henry hating her. Of fucking strangers. Of hating herself. And Emma was sitting at the kitchen table, pretending to read the newspaper like that was something she did because that was normal and that's what moms do. They read the newspaper in the morning, right?

But she wasn't a mom, not anymore. She never really had been and she didn't like the newspaper and she just wanted everything to go away.

But never ever went away and so here she was when Henry found her.

And it had been so long since he had let her see him, she was happy.

Until she saw his tears.

"Why doesn't she want me?"

And, fuck, her heart broke all over again.

"What?" she asked, hoping she had misheard.

"I've been calling," he admitted, all tears and snot, as he came to sit next to her.

No, not next to her. In her lap. Like the little boy she remembered from her fake memories.

"I've been calling her and calling her," he cried. "But she won't answer. She doesn't want me any more, and I don't know what I did wrong. I thought she loved me."

Emma hugged Henry then, the first physical contact he had allowed since she took him with her back to this place, this city that was so very not home.

She had lied to get him here. Told him they were coming back to do all the official things that people did, withdraw him from school, say goodbye to his friends, pack up their things, and then they'd be back.

But she never had any intention of coming back and when Henry realized that it was too late.

But she hadn't known he had been calling Regina.

And she hadn't known Regina hadn't been answering.

Had she known Henry had been calling Regina and that Regina wasn't picking up, would that have changed anything? Would that have changed her mind? Emma didn't know, but there was one thing she did know, one thing she was sure of.

"She does love you," Emma said, all reassuring and all truth. "She loves you with all her heart."

"Then why?" Henry asked, and he didn't have to say anything else.

Because Emma knew. Why won't she answer? Why didn't she come here to get me? Why do I feel like this, so unloved? All I want is to be loved.

"I don't know," Emma said, rubbing circles on Henry's back.

And they were silent then. Just her rubbing circles on his back, trying to soothe him. Henry was still crying, his cell phone, something Emma hadn't noticed before, clutched in his hands.

And Emma started to cry too, because she knew Regina loved Henry, so why wouldn't she answer his calls?

~SQ~SQ~

"Kid, get up."

It was two in the morning and she was all packed and she had packed his things and he really needed to get up before she lost her nerve.

"What?" was asked groggily from the bed.

"Get up," she said again. "We're going back."

Home didn't need to be said.

Henry was up in a flash. But then she saw him hesitate, the unspoken question burning in his eyes.

What if she doesn't want us back?

"She'll always want you back, kid," Emma replied, because she knew that for certain. Whatever Regina felt toward her didn't matter one bit when it came to what Regina felt for Henry.

Regina could hate Emma as much as she wanted, if she did, and she probably did, because Emma had been a dick. But Regina could never hate Henry.

"Something must just be wrong."

And that's really what made Emma decide it was a good idea to go back. Because something must be wrong, and why didn't anyone come for her to help? Was she not even good enough to be the Savior anymore?

~SQ~SQ~

So they loaded themselves and their earthly belongings into Emma's yellow bug. A silent promise Emma made to Henry, a sign that said they were going back, for good.

And he was chattering again, wondering what was going on in Storybrooke, if it would look the same, even though they had only been gone for six weeks.

Six weeks was all it took for Emma's life to fall apart.

The drive felt a lot like that first one Emma had taken those couple years ago.

When a little boy had barged into her apartment, talking about her being his mom and asking if she had any juice and not waiting for an answer before he helped himself.

When she took him back home to his mom, in a town called Storybrooke she had never heard of before.

When she brought herself back home.

That's what she felt like.

And for the first time, she hoped it would be enough.

Her coming home.

She hoped she would be enough.

~SQ~SQ~

No one knew where Regina was.

Everyone was happy to see them. Look how much baby Neal had grown. Look at the town. Look how peaceful everything was.

There wasn't any new evil. No new trouble.

But where the fuck was Regina?

No one knew. They all assumed she had gone to New York with Emma and Henry.

Because, yeah, everyone else could see that that was where she belonged.

Emma wished someone had told her before.

But no one had seen the queen since Emma and Henry had left.

And now Emma and Henry and the rest of the town, because they all cared about Regina, were worried.

And they looked and looked and looked and they couldn't find her.

Then Henry had the brilliant idea to check the mansion. Because of course, why would that not be the first place they check?

But Snow had said there hadn't been any lights on in the mansion and the grass was growing really tall and Regina always kept a perfectly manicured lawn.

And Emma had laughed. Because she was stressed and worried. And, yeah, Regina did keep a perfectly manicured lawn.

They checked the mansion anyway.

The door was locked.

So Emma, being Emma, broke it the fuck down.

And then she broke down.

Because there was Regina. Perfect, regal, classy Regina.

On the floor.

~SQ~SQ~

"Is she dead?" asked Henry, his voice sounding so small.

Charming shook his head. Leroy said she looked like Snow did when she was under the Sleeping Curse.

And Emma lost hope.

Because she read that story, her parents' story, over and over again.

And she knew.

The only way to break a Sleeping Curse was True Love's kiss.

~SQ~SQ~

"Kiss her, Henry."

She pleaded. She ordered. She commanded. She barked.

Her voice, harsh. But she needed this. Needed her, Regina's, son to bring her back so that Emma could say she was –

Lost. Sorry. Wrong. So very fucking wrong and please, Regina, forgive me.

But Henry was standing there, looking at his mother as she laid on her bed, because they had moved her, because they couldn't leave Regina on the floor. And he shook his head.

"I can't."

"Why the fuck not?"

And normally she tried not to use such language with Henry. But, damn, she really needed Regina to wake up and she woke up Henry, Emma did, and Regina gave Henry back his memories. He was their True Love. Why couldn't he kiss her awake?

Why couldn't anything in Emma's life work out like they did in those stupid fairytale stories?

They were real, right?

~SQ~SQ~

Henry had remained silent. Because why couldn't he?

But then Snow piped up.

Of fucking course.

"He's not her True Love, anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Regina loves Henry, yes, and Henry loves Regina. And while the bond between mother and child is strong, and worked, those two times, what the book means, what 'True Love' means, is the love between –"

But Emma didn't need her to continue. She needed to get the fuck out of there.

Because what Snow meant, what everyone meant when she looked at Emma was that Emma was Regina's True Love.

How did they know?

How did they expect her to do that? To kiss Regina? To make everything better?

And, God, what if she wasn't enough? What if she couldn't wake her up?

~SQ~SQ~

But she didn't run. Not this time.

Emma Swan was a runner, but she stayed.

Because Henry had pleaded.

"Please, mom, wake her up."

He called her mom and that's all it took. Because he hadn't called her that in a while and it still filled her heart with all of those feelings it did the first time he said it and she really hoped she could do this.

She really hoped she could wake Regina up.

Because she needed Regina. Henry needed Regina.

So, with the entire town crowded into Regina's bedroom, with the feeling that that weight of the world was on her shoulders, Emma leaned down.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to Regina's lips.

~SQ~SQ~

There was a burst of magic that filled the room, but Emma didn't notice it because Regina woke up.

She was awake.

Emma had done it.

Which meant that, well, Emma was Regina's True Love, and Regina was hers.

And that scared the fuck out of Emma.

Because that was part of the reason she had run back to New York, wasn't it?

Because how could anyone as damaged as her be anyone's happy ending?

Because how could fucking feel so goddamn good?

So Emma stood there, a smile on her face and fear in her eyes.

And Regina looked up, puzzled.

"What are you doing here?"

~SQ~SQ~

"We're home."

And it wasn't an answer. Not really.

It wasn't an apology. It wasn't anything.

But it was the truth.

And it was enough for now.

Because Henry was hugging Regina so hard, like he never wanted to let her go.

And Regina was smiling like this was what she wanted all along.

And the townspeople were cheering like Regina was the Savior and not the Evil Queen and that she was the hero they had been rooting for all along.

And Emma was standing there, feeling awkward and out of place.

But then the townspeople started leaving because this was a personal moment and they didn't want to overstay their welcome because Regina might be good but she was once evil and they knew what she could do.

And Henry was still hugging Regina and Regina was still smiling.

And Emma was still standing there.

Then Regina opened her arms a little more and beckoned Emma over.

"Welcome back."

~SQ~SQ~

They would have to talk. Later. Emma knew.

Because the way she left and the way she returned and all of the feelings that she had needed to be explained. Everything needed to be explained.

But right now, she was being hugged by her son and her True Love and everything felt right.

Emma Swan was finally happy, because she had finally found her home.