The First Annual Roger Davis 'Super Outrageous' Concert

Crack!fic. Randomosity. Weird/WTF!Roger. Mark/Roger. mpreg (it's okay! it's a crack!fic!) (Written for a crack!fic challenge)

I don't own Rent, or any of the songs mentioned.

I would give a list of warnings, but it would be a mile long.

"Welcome to the first annual Roger Davis Super Outrageous Concert!" Joanne announced from the stage, microphone in hand. She had seen the rehearsals, and was not looking forward to the final product.

The tye-dye curtain arose, to reveal Roger, sitting on a bar stool, holding his guitar.

"Borned on a mountain top in Tennessee, greenest state in the land of the free." He belted, while strumming his guitar.

Mark and Mimi exchanged glances of "Oh my god! What the fuck?". Maureen mouthed along to the lyrics, and Benny drummed his fingers on the table, in line with the beat. Collins pulled his 'adowabwe wittle hat' (as Roger called it) over his eyes, embarrassed for his friend.

"Raised in the woods, so's he knew every tree. Kilt him a ba'ar, when he was only three. Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier."

Angel then went to the bar to order something strong. She knew she'd need it for their big duet later.

"He's ahead of us all and meeting the test, followin' his legend into the west. Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier." He strummed the final chords on the acoustic guitar, and stuck his fist in the air, which received a standing ovation from the group of drunken men wearing Spandex at table six.

"WHOO! GO ROGER!" A surprisingly sober Maureen shouted from the top of the bar.

"Okay, I'd like to dedicate this next song to my very best friend, Mark. It kind of describes our relationship."

'Oh, Schnitzel,' Mark thought, 'don't let it be Animal Crackers in My Soup again…'

Roger took a deep, dramatic breath, and began.

"Uptown girl. She's been livin' in her uptown world. I bet she never had a backstreet guy. I bet her mama never told her why. I'm gonna try…"

Roger stopped when he heard Mark let out a small shriek. Mimi burst into laughter, and Roger was confused. And Angel was too drunk to notice anything.

"What's the matter, Mark? Don't you like it?"

"U-u-u-uptown girl?" Mark stuttered, "You think I'm an uptown girl? Wait…you love me?"

"Oh my God, Mark! You know that!"

"Oh. Okay." Mark smiled.

"HOLY SHIT!" A still very sober, very almost naked Maureen called. Collins was just thankful she wasn't completely exposed.

Mimi pouted to herself throughout the song.

"She's my uptown girl. You know I'm in love with an uptown girl. My uptown girl. You know I'm in love with an uptown girl. My uptown girl."

"Roger!" Angel ran onto the stage, dressed in her purple evening gown and matching feather boa, "Isn't it time for our duet?"

"Yes, I think it is. Behold everyone!" Roger announced, "This is going to be splendid!"

Yes, you're eyes aren't deceiving you. Roger just said 'splendid'.

Roger put down his guitar and the music started up.

A very drunk Angel brought her microphone to her mouth, "I've got chills! They're multiplying! And I'm losing control! For the power you're supplying – it's electrifying!"

Roger put his hands on his hips, "Well, you better shape up. 'Cause I need a man, who can keep me satisfiiiiiiiied."

Mark winced, but then took that back, so if you think about it he didn't wince it the first place so that never happened. Roger's dancing was turning Mark on.

Mimi and Collins, however, were wincing like crazy.

The small bar had started to clear very fast after Roger performed "Afternoon Delight". Mark was the only person who wasn't completely repulsed by this song.

The only people who had stuck around for the rest of Roger's show were Mark, Angel, Collins, Joanne (who had fallen asleep), Mimi, Maureen (who had become a back-up dancer), Benny (who would never admit that Roger's version of "Venus" had turned him on), the elderly couple wearing ponchos, and a rather obnoxious fourteen year-old, who screamed frequently. One wonders how she had gotten admitted into the bar in the first place. One might assume it's because she had a fake ID. One also might assume that Roger had gotten the fake ID for her. One might also assume that Roger was going to join the circus the next day, and that after the lion bit off his hand, he would his try his nonexistant hand (feet, actually) at the trapeze, fail miserably, and finally settle for being the single most creepy clown ever.

"There's been some confusion, for you see my roommate is…unusually in exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to descriiiiiiiiiiibe…"

This had been Roger's attempt at a duet with himself. Good song, but Roger wasn't doing it justice.

Crickets chirped. Joanne snored. Benny and Mark panted.

"And I would like to dedicate this next song to me and Mark's unborn set of twins." Roger said, grinning like a madman.

"What!" Mark yelled, "OMG ROGER! WE'VE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER! AND WE'RE MEN!"

"Doesn't stop you from being pregnant."

"But…when?" Mark was horrified, and his face was showing that.

"Remember when our eyes met during "Walk Like An Egyptian" almost an hour ago?".

"Oh." Mark smiled, knowingly, "Now I remember. I better put the Goldschlagger down."

"I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE!" You must be surprised that Maureen hasn't touched a drop of alcohol.

"Okay," Roger adjusted his shoulders, "Sometimes I feel I've got to –" Roger stomped his foot twice, "run away. I've got to –" two more foot stomps. Mark was drooling. "get away from the pain you drive into loving me. The love we share seems to go nowhere…"

"And now for my finale!" Roger, who had changed into lime green leather pants, a thigh-length trench coat, a plastic crown, and, though it grossed even Mark out…mandals (man-sandals).

"Say my name, say my name. When no one is around you say, 'baby, I love you. If you ain't runnin' games, say my name, say my name. You actin' kinda shady, and callin' me baby. Why the sudden change?"

At this point, Benny stood up. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out his lighter. He lit it, and started waving it in the air, rocking from side to side.

"Any other day, I would call, you would say, 'Baby, how's your day?' But today, it ain't the same. Every other word is a 'huh', 'yeah, okay'. Could it be that you are at the crib with another lady?"

Everyone, except Joanne, did the same as Benny. Even the fourteen year-old. She had been on the phone with Wringling Brother's, Barnum and Bailey Circus for a while, discussing Roger's arrangements for the next day. They had a lion all set up for him to tame. Mark would be coming with him of course, as he was carrying the twins, who they had telepathically decided would be named "Shaquondra" and "Norman". They were both still unsure of how these children would actually be born.

After Roger took his bow (and curtsy), the audience (and Joanne, who had substituted the lighter with a cell phone), started singing. Or was it chanting? Either.

"We love you, Roger. Oh yes we do. We don't love anyone as much as you. When you're not near us, we're blue. Oh, Roger, we lover you."

"THANK YOU ALPHABET CITY!"

THE END

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