"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live." –Bette Midler, The Rose
Changes, Chances
by waterways
Chapter 1
By the time two weeks had passed since Sanosuke had reportedly come back to Japan, Megumi found herself thinking about the ruffian much more frequently than she would have liked to. While Yahiko's hastily-scribbled letter had simply informed her that, yes, Sagara Sanosuke was back in Tokyo in one, healthy and robust piece and that he had apparently cleared himself off all previous charges, Megumi could not help but wonder about several things – things such as, 'How on earth had he done it?', 'How was he now?', or 'How did his travels go?'—things that, as she reasoned to herself, were borne out of an entirely natural and entirely friendly concern.
Her mind kept generating images of the handsome youth, energetic and passionate, and somewhat childish, in his greatest moments of both chivalry and nonchalance. A funny hint of attraction had always peppered their interactions, but it clearly didn't amount to much if they had chosen to keep separated for seven years. Still, the childish part of Megumi enjoyed replaying memories of how often they used to be teased as—god forbid—lovers, a kind of enjoyment that was akin to watching a train wreck and you just couldn't look away even though it would be best if you did. She never seriously considered the lazy bum as anything more than a satisfying target for her calculated flirtations, the kind that got her heart racing with annoyance more than butterflies, but looking back, she couldn't say she had had more fun flirting with anybody else, not even with the adorably timid and shy manner in which Kenshin tried to counter her attention.
After two weeks of the same looped musings, she began to wonder about what was expected of her in light of Yahiko's letter. Was she supposed to come and see him in Tokyo, or was Sanosuke going to have to live up to his seven-year-old jibe of running to Aizu to come see her? She had not sent a reply to Yahiko only because she didn't know what to say, for it seemed that from the haste and excitement evident in the briefness of Yahiko's letter, he (as well as the whole of the Tokyo gang, Megumi supposed), were in a state of utter gladness for the return of their friend. What surprises and stories Sanosuke had brought home with him, Megumi could only imagine, and a tiny part of her wished she could enjoy the same enthusiasm everyone else seemed to have for returned world-travelers and fight-loving vagabonds.
Megumi couldn't say that she was in the same state as her friends, because aside from being constantly distracted, she had become a little on-edge in her daily routines, constantly disrupted by a—and no, she didn't have a better way of describing this—weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. Sanosuke had always caused this particular restless state in her, she recalled, the kind that was more like an itch that one wanted desperately to scratch but couldn't find the exact location of, or like the endless chirps of a nearby cricket that had become annoying more than relaxing, but it was always there and what was she supposed to do about it? And while it wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling, not much could be said for it being welcome, because just in the past few days she would often catch herself staring into space in deep thought in the middle of more pressing tasks at the clinic.
She knew herself as one who was, at best, skirty about feelings that threatened to be visible beyond her polished exterior, and so ignoring the (very strong) urge to hop into a carriage to Tokyo to come see him for herself for the mere purpose of assuaging her curiosity, she finally resigned to write them one day.
She addressed her letter to Yahiko, which was only proper as he'd been the one to inform her of Sanosuke's return, and simply said that she was glad the rooster was well and seemed to be healthy from what little she could gather from his letter. She enclosed with it a medicine packet that resembled the one she had given Kenshin when he left for Kyoto, she said, in the likely case that he would get himself in trouble if he hadn't already, while she wasn't around to treat him. A post-script at the bottom informed them that she was well in Aizu, as usual, and that she sends her love to Tsubame and their little princess, Kaori, and Genzai-sensei and the girls, Yutarou and Kenji.
Three more days passed without incident following her curt reply, but as it seemed, the thought of Sanosuke was not going to leave her in peace. Aizu was not a very busy place for a doctor, other than occasional coughs and colds gripping the farmers or their children due to the unsteady weather heralding the rainy season. Her medical stores were meticulously complete and labeled, and her garden was impeccably healthy. There was nothing more to do to keep distracted from the distraction that was news of Sanosuke's abrupt return, serving to only push her on edge further.
The truth of it was that she had wanted to see him, only that she wouldn't know what to do after that. She was always envisioning that they'd end up in their relentless battle-of-wits, which she admits would seem childish now, and quite tiresome. After the initial joy of reunion, he would probably get back into the habit of getting in trouble and needing her to fix him up, then his return to gambling and drinking, all the things that represented what Megumi was decidedly not, and the endless list of the ways in which they were completely different and opposites would only burn itself into her mind and cause her to lose her temper. No, she wasn't excited for that. Maybe it was best that they keep their distance in this day and age. After all, how deep had their friendship really been if all it had been about were the banter and the jibes, the annoyance and the one-upping?
She laughed to herself at this, and settled with the thought that maybe Sanosuke was best kept as a long-ago, sometimes-fond-sometimes-irksome memory than a constant presence in her life. She was going to be twenty-nine in a few months, surely a complete grown-up than what her seven-year-old encounters with Sanosuke had always reduced her to. And if he had indeed changed after all these years, getting himself out of his charges and whatnot, what need would he have of the fox who would undoubtedly only belittle everything he ever did?
Dusk was beginning to settle, with nothing happening in the clinic and not a single patient to treat except for the neighbor's kid dropping by to ask for more of the cough herb, please, and thank you, daddy said he will pay up when he was well enough to work again.
Megumi sighed and got up from her desk to light a few candles. At least she had this time to lightly catch up on her medical reading. She ambled over to the kitchen to start cooking dinner for herself, humming a nondescript invented tune just to break the pregnant silence that seemed to live for mocking her solitude rather than completing it.
It was when she was adding the radish to her stew that she heard a voice calling from the front gates. Thinking that it was probably a last-minute patient (unlikely in these parts, at this time of the day, unless it was an emergency), she hurried towards the voice to welcome the stranger.
"Takani Megumi-sensei?", the voice called again from behind the gate.
"Yes, what can I do—" Megumi stopped mid-sentence, taking in the form of an older, stubbled, darker, and longer-haired Sanosuke. The man seemed to have lost his bearings for a split-second upon seeing her, promptly dropping his travel satchel in what seemed to be genuine surprise to rival hers. And then his face turned up in a very bright smile.
Megumi noted with uncertainty that this was far from the smug look the old Sanosuke would have given her for catching her off-guard, but nonetheless it was the warmest, happiest thing Megumi had seen in Aizu for a long time. He raised his hand to wave, but seemed to think better of it midway, realizing, perhaps, that it looked stupid when he was only two paces away from her. He ended up scratching the back of his ear, looking suspiciously out-of-character with that trace of embarrassment lining his smile, and Megumi resisted the urge to pull at his ear like she used to, to ask him to come back to himself.
"Sanosuke!" she acknowledged at last, finding her voice. "What on earth are you doing here?"
The man's face faltered a fraction before regaining the brightness of its smile, but overall seemed to be expecting this kind of reaction from her. "Gee, what does a man need to do to get a proper welcome in here, huh?"he laughed, the easy mirth in his eyes an unmistakable trademark of Sagara Sanosuke. And, pausing briefly, as if surprised to find himself saying the next few words, he continued, "God, Megumi… damn, it's been seven years, hasn't it?" he said, more to the tune of one who was astounded by the incredulity that yes, he seemed to have just realized, it had been seven long years.
Megumi didn't know what to do so she settled for gripping the gate, which was still only half-open from when she was expecting to welcome a patient and was disrupted with the sudden realization that it was Sanosuke on the other side of it. She was only still gathering her thoughts when he dropped the hand from its awkward place behind his ear and instead opened both his arms forward in a beckoning gesture. "If you give me a welcome hug, I can go back to Tokyo and never bother you again," he ventured unsurely, but quickly, as if forcing himself to say it before he lost his courage. His face maintained that bright, bright (almost annoyingly so) smile.
The unscratchable itch and the hidden cricket were there once again, buzzing and unsettling her with triple the vigor of the last few weeks, urging her into restlessness borne out of wanting to do something about it; and just as quickly, just right before she could get the chance to re-consider herself or what she was about to do, she found herself in his arms, returning his hug, his long arms blanketing her over a decent spot in her shoulders, half her face inadvertently buried in his travel coat and noting for the first time the scent of sandalwood and the scent of his bright energy, if one could describe the scent of Sano as that.
Somehow, for some reason, it was acceptable, as if Sanosuke had just come back from the dead, as if Megumi never knew he had come back until now, as if they had been very good—no, the best of—friends in a climactic reunion.
As quickly as it had happened, though, it had started to become awkward to Megumi, who worshipped propriety in the middle of what could be a gossip brewery on her doorstep. She tried to detach herself from him as casually as possible, but Sanosuke seemed to be beside himself drinking in the feeling of the fox nestled under his arm. "I'm back!" he announced dumbly, needlessly, and Megumi wanted to smack him in the head. For a second, Megumi was worried that Sanosuke was indeed getting carried away and getting strange ideas in his head, and so with greater force, she broke apart from the embrace.
Sanosuke just looked happily dazed, as if only realizing now that he got way more than he thought he had the right to ask for. So dizzy-looking was he that when Megumi did finally pinch his ear to get him back to earth, he could only smile apologetically.
"I was just making dinner. I'm sure you'll be wanting to eat, as always," Megumi casually noted, turning back into the house and leaving the doorway open for Sanosuke to follow. And follow he did, quietly, like a lost puppy just glad to be home after a long day of searching. She had already led him to her tatami drawing room to wait when his surreal excitement over seeing her seemed to have subsided, and he asked for a bath. She showed him the way and he insisted that he could draw it up himself and that she ought to look after her cooking, and they separated.
Only as Megumi was stirring her vegetable soup again did she regain her former calmness, for the way Sano (and herself) had acted had surprised her beyond belief. She tried to ignore the thought that men and women didn't usually hug, not in public, and not if they weren't closely associated—like siblings, or like lovers, and even then lovers or siblings didn't usually do such things in public. But she had surprised herself with the knowledge that a hug seemed like the only proper thing to do to sum up how she'd felt—however she felt, whatever those itchy-cricket feelings were—and it seemed like Sano returned the fervor just as much.
They hadn't been the best of friends before, but the years apart had emphasized something that wasn't apparent until now, and that was that they stirred things in each other that nobody else did. She briefly wondered if that was how Sano had greeted the others in Tokyo, with a hug, with that bright smile on his face, and supposed so.
Nothing was weird; she tried to convince herself, except for the flattering thought that he could still be so overwhelmingly happy to see her, given their flimsy and short-lived history. It seemed that Sano had changed, and it was silly of her to think otherwise. She conceded that it would be nice to re-meet this old friend.
Megumi laid out food for the both of them (a serving good for three, for Sano) and jumped in surprise when Sanosuke quietly appeared in the doorway in a yukata that seemed to surprisingly be his own, for she couldn't imagine how he could have borrowed one that would fit him. Megumi snorted a little ungracefully at this, at the implied assumption that he was going to spend the night in her house, without her permission, but decided to let it slip as something that the old Sano would have done. She was rather lonely up here in Aizu, and a friend for company would be nice.
Sano sat himself across her and clapped his hands together before sniffing the air appreciatively, and said, "Do you know that sometimes, while I'm lost in the forest or in the mountains, or just when I'm particularly hungry, I think about your cooking?"
Megumi flushed at this unabashed compliment and tried to think up a witty, scathing reply to hide her embarrassment, but couldn't, and simply said, "Well, Rooster, I haven't had anyone eat anything with me in a while, much less anyone to enjoy my cooking with, so dig in—and you'll do the dishes after."
Megumi laughed a little nervously, unused to the forced mockery in her tone, which had gone badly out of practice since she moved to Aizu and Sano left. Sano shrugged and ate heartily at her signal, complimenting her cooking with every bite. Megumi relaxed, and ate and laughed at Sano's antics, simply enjoying watching someone else enjoy her cooking so thoroughly.
While Sano was hungrily eyeing her share of onigiri, Megumi asked, "So what's the story here, Rooster?"
Sano chewed up his last serving well and swallowed, then answered. "I got homesick."
Megumi waited patiently for him to continue, but when he didn't, she said, "Well, it sure takes you a long time to miss home. Anything else in particular that sent you back in town? And what of your case here?"
"Ah, well, that's a longer story," he began, clearing his throat, as if prepared to make this speech. "The short of it's that I did get homesick, y'know. Couldn't take thinking about Japanese food any longer, or sake, and you guys of course, and I got tired of always moving.
"I realized, after seven years, no less, that I wasn't making myself happier by being on the move all the time. Sure, I learned lotsa things, met lotsa people, saw things beyond my wildest imagination—both beautiful and ugly, mind you—but I couldn'a traded it for the simplicity of home. And don't ask me how it took seven years—time moves all funny when you're out there, when you're on the move seeing new things every second of everyday, 'time flies' is what they always say. I was young and drunk on adventure." He paused at this, seeming to remember bits of his travels, a distant look in his eyes.
"And before I knew it I had grown a beard, and I was on my third continent, and when I was alone in the middle'o nowhere that's when it hit me that one day I'll go home and find everything all different, no place for the gangster who'd left it so suddenly years ago. On my last trip to China, I realized that if I hurried home, there might still be a bit of how I remembered things to be, and that as I am now, I could try to start over here." Sano set his bowl down, a determined and somber expression on his face.
"As for my case, well, I worked for some time in Hong Kong, under a Japanese man who works for the government here, but is stationed there. We became sorta friends coz I was the only one hanging about him who spoke Japanese. Kind of a sensitive guy, you see. And one day I asked if he knew of any news about Himura Kenshin, the Battousai, back when Kenshin was still alive… He didn't have news, but he knew about him, alrigh'. I talked a lot about how I met 'im, all the stuff we went through, and also why I fled Japan in the first place. Turns out he also didn't think much of that pig of a politician who's after me, and said he would try to clear up my name after hearing what really happened.
"I didn't hope much, y'know, just sorta pushed it at the back of my mind for years, travelled further across Asia, to Nepal and westward, and when I made up my mind to go home, I paid him another visit in Hong Kong right before coming here. The rest is history."
Megumi nodded slowly as she took in his story. She fiddled quietly with her chopsticks, not looking at him. "That's it, then?" she asked.
"Well, that was pretty convenient, wasn't it? Only, I would've guessed something much more important than homesickness would have finally driven you home." She paused, and let the unvoiced taunt that he hadn't even come home even for Kenshin and Kaoru's passing hang in the air. He didn't flinch under her challenging gaze, only kept silent and waited for her to continue.
Slightly annoyed, she resorted to insulting him. "Seems to cheapen it, the way you say it—homesickness, really?" she said, managing to inject a haughtiness that belied her disapproval (and maybe, bitterness) of anyone living their life so at the mercy of their whims. But looking at the man seated in front of her, the wild look of a traveler's far-gazing eyes fixed on her and through her, lending them a timeless age and humor and wisdom, seemed to weaken her conviction in her appraisal of him.
"Guess I expected too much for a Rooster-brain, huh?" At this, she attempted a weak version of her fox-laugh, and flushed at the indignity of it when she saw him looking at her like she had grown a second head. She hadn't used such a flagrant display of her old self in a long while, now.
Sano barked out a hearty laugh at her expense, seeing Megumi's awkwardness. He wiped at his tearing eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I just never thought you'd still bother with that old stuff with me, 'is all." He started to clear up the table as he explained, noting the look of surprise on her face, but choosing not to comment.
"I mean, I didn't think I was that special, not to you at least, but wow—somehow I'm happier than I should be, I don't get it," he chuckled further, a hand gone to his abdomen to still his laughter.
Megumi was at a loss. "What do you mean?" she asked irritably, attempting to intimidate him into stopping his inexplicable mirth.
"'Know how you always say I'm stupid? Well, I've never felt stupider than I did when I came to Tokyo two weeks ago," he said. "I stopped at the dojo expecting to see Kenshin, Jou-chan, and Yahiko about their usual business. Of course I was being stupid. But I couldn't help it, it's the only memory of Tokyo that I have," he said, scratching at the back of his head in a display of his bewilderment.
"Anyway, imagine my shock when I found a bokken-wielding Kenji being taught by an oversized Yahiko, a pregnant Tsubame carrying a bundle of Kaori, and a dozen students at the dojo. I mean, how weird is that? Then a few days after, old Genzai comes by to bring the girls by, except they're not girls anymore," he paused to emphasize this, then added, "And not-so-little Ayame is becoming quite the looker, too. I saw the dojo practically stop for her," he laughed. "And when I tried to give Yahiko a ruffle in the hair, the students looked like they were going to pass out from shock. I also heard later on that Aoshi and Misao are married, what gives?"
Megumi clicked her lips impatiently. "Hm. Genius, why didn't you bring Ayame with you when you came here? She's due back here before winter starts, and it'd be a hassle for Genzai-sensei to have to bring her all the way here, now that Yahiko can't be away from Tsubame when she's so close to giving birth," she said. Seeing the look of incomprehension on his face, she explained, "Ayame studies medicine now. She goes back and forth between here with me and in Tokyo with her grandfather."
At this, Sano tensed up considerably. "Oh, I uh… I didn't actually get to say goodbye to them before coming here. Sort of… rushed to Aizu, actually. Sorry. And I made most of the journey on foot, it wouldn't have been comfortable for her, so, uh… sorry."
Megumi's eyebrows shot up from her surprise. "You what? Seven years and you're still an idiot enough to run to Aizu?" She couldn't believe her own declaration, and despite herself, she burst out laughing. It was oddly flattering, she admitted to herself, but its merit was stamped out by her judgment that it was an incredibly stupid thing to do.
"Well—damn it, I didn't run all the way, I took a train the farthest it could take me—anyway, when it finally dawned on me how much things have changed, I had to see you for myself. I was expecting an old maid with white hair before I saw you at the gate—" Megumi chucked a bowl at him for this. "—I wasn't finished! Of course, instead I saw you like that and I—something clicked, you know, like I'm home, I'm really home…" he trailed off in a murmur that Megumi didn't catch, and he looked like he was thinking very hard about something.
"Saw me like what, pray tell?" she challenged instead.
Sano stared at her and cocked his head to the side as if studying her, and said, "Like that," he motioned vaguely at her. "The same Fox, just different. I don't know." Megumi gave him a stern look.
He visibly shook himself out of his stupor and gathered the tray of bowls to clean them up in the back room, changing the topic as hastily as he had started it. "I need a place to stay, Megumi. Could you lend me a room?"
Megumi didn't entirely trust her china with him, but he seemed determined to keep his end of the deal of dinner by cleaning up, and oddly, staying away from her for a while. She sighed. "I suppose you must be tired from running to Aizu." She rolled her eyes. "You can leave those to be washed tomorrow when you've rested. Come, I'll show you to your room."
She walked him along the hallways to stop in front of the patient room farthest from her personal quarters. She showed him where he could put his belongings, and wished him good night, before shutting the shoji behind her.
Before she got very far, she heard him sigh from the other side of the paper-thin door, muttering something that got lost in the wind, which sounded suspiciously like a wistful, "I missed you, too, Kitsune."