A/N: Written as a quick drabble for my dear Gali. If I ever decide to re-write it, it would be longer and more detailed. Written with the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts in mind. Friend just showed me the song and it inspired me. Been a long time since that happened. Enjoy.
The leaves fluttered down around him as he sat in silence, dark eyes staring down towards the calloused hands which lay in his lap. The dark red mane hung loose and around his shoulders. It had been such a long journey up until this point and they had spent every moment of it together. He felt himself crumble a little inside at the thoughts which ravaged his mind. She had been right there and all he had to do was reach out and grab a hold of her. All he had to do was say something. Anything would be better than what he had ultimately done.
He watched. All he did was stand and watch.
Renji leaned back against the tree which he rested against, eyes staring up towards the intermingled blue and green, unsure of what he should be feeling asides from this sense of loss. This state of total despair he had been unable to shake despite the logic which he had processed the moment with at the time. Logic never had much of a play in these situations in the first place. He exhaled softly as a shudder moved down his spine at the memories.
The uniform fluttered gently around the small body as Rukia watched Renji with a soft gaze. It wasn't joy that he could see in her eyes but maybe more of an expectation. She was expecting him to respond in some way. Maybe not the way he had decided to respond but it seemed that she had been expecting more. The people standing behind her were stern, collected and confident. Renji watched them with wide eyes, taking in their stance, features and vowing one day...he would be like them.
The unseated man stood in the doorway, that very threshold separating him between the elites...and his childhood friend. It was the day they had decided to take her in. It was the day that he stood and watched as the one person he cared for turned and walked away.
The large fist balled and slammed down into the grown besides his slumped figure. All he had to do was say something. All he had to do was react with more than his stunned silence and acknowledgement for her accession. She had wanted him to object, it seemed she had wanted him to hold her back. It was something he didn't want to do. Since that day she had summoned more power than him for the name of fun he had vowed he would catch up and surpass her.
He would never hold her back.
The man leaned back, fingernails digging into his palms and creating crescent indents. Eyes closed tightly as Renji forced himself to calm, in vain. He bit into his lower lip and drew a tint of blood, tasting the bittersweet. Another shudder ran through his body as the first of the sobs overtook his body. She was with family now, and that was the most important thing. It was what they had longed for since the beginning. They had been fighting for these goals together since the beginning and now her dream was coming true.
You were my family. The thought took him by surprise as he allowed the emotion to swallow him completely. The tears flowed freely down his cheeks and for once he was glad he was alone. Nobody is privy to this scene and nobody will ever be told of these feelings. Ever.
He would never hold her back.
I love you. The words sprung to his mind and his lips uttered them softly to the wind. Rukia. To avoid cutting up his hands, Renji clung to the material of his garb, clutching desperately to whatever was left. Clinging desperately to his training and thoughts of succeeding. He burned the image of the elders into his mind, the image of the noble who had taken away his one best friend. He vowed to reach their level. One day, he will reach Kuchiki Byakuya and surpass him and that would be the day he can reach out and claim Rukia back.
Silently he filed away all the words and emotions that he had held for her, storing them in a sealed box within his mind. One day he will open them for her, one day he will explain to her why he reacted the way he did. For now, he will keep a tight check. He will quietly hold it dear to him and have it be his one inspiration to succeed and survive. Now, with his most important taken away, nothing will hold him back from reaching the top. Nothing will prevent him from claiming her back. It didn't matter what this journey threw at him, it had already done its worst.
The man pushed himself up, unwavering as he stared out towards the field of trees around him. He made a silent pledge of his goal to those trees, reaching up behind him and tying his hair up into the messy ponytail that he usually sported. He pulled out his blade, holding it out towards the trees and wiped away the remainder of the tears which stained his face. If this was the path he was to take, he was already too far behind.
Wait for me... The last thought to rush through his mind before he closed the box and swung his sword down in the first of his practise stance.