Disclaimer: We have the same initial and that is all we share, she has gorgeous sparkly vamps and I covet her gorgeous sparkly vamps.

Her Golden Globes.

Dear Miss Isabella Swan,

Every year the Academy hosts the Academy Awards; the Oscars. This year we will be celebrating our 84Th year of recognising the good and the great of the silver screen. To acknowledge this momentous occasion, this year, we asked the community to nominate a special person to have the honour of presenting an award to one of the Hollywood Elite.

I have the pleasure of informing you that you have been nominated by Miss Rosalie Hale and Miss Alice Brandon for your tireless work, fundraising and selfless dedication to the staff and patrons of Masen Community Centre, Port Angeles, WA.

We would be delighted if you could join us on the 26th of February 2012 at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood and present an award on our behalf. We would also like to extend our invitation to your nominators. All travel expenses and accommodation costs will be covered by the Academy.

Please could you confirm your attendance by telephone at your earliest convenience. All our contact numbers are detailed in our letterhead, we look forward to meeting you in due course.

Yours in anticipation,

Aro Volturi

Head of the Presentation Committee.

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences.

Stood in Seattle's most prestigious store, Neiman Marcus, the enormity of my situation hit me like a wrecking ball. I needed to sit down, cry or run away – preferably all three. Alice cocked her eyebrow. "Bella, Breathe!"

Breathe? How the heck did she expect me to breathe? "Alice, it's all just … so… MUCH!" I gestured wildly at my surroundings. "What were you and Rosie thinking?"

"Bella, you do so much for everyone else, we just wanted to show you how much we love you and just how much everyone appreciates and loves you too."

Looking at Alice's crumpled face, my heart sank. Pulling her into a hug, I apologised.

"Sorry Ali, I do appreciate the sentiment, but holy hell… presenting at the Oscars! Little Bella Swan from Forks, presenting at the Oscars, I still cannot believe this is happening!"

"Well, it is and soon, so we need to get our shop on. Gowns, we need gowns."

Alice headed to the back of the store muttering about fabrics, cuts and colours. Trudging along behind her, my mind whirled with all the information I had received this morning. I was truly blown away that my friends thought so highly of me and that the Academy of Performing Arts agreed with them.

Things like this did not happen to plain old Bella Swan, now I had to pick a dress that would magically make me beautiful enough to grace a Hollywood stage. Rosalie and Alice were born to be in Hollywood – me, not so much. I had visions of me ending up in the orchestra pit or impaling the recipient on his or her statuette. Little did I know just how founded my fears would be.

Three weeks later

"Welcome to Los Angeles, Ms Swan. My name is Michael and I will be your personal valet for the duration of your stay. I sincerely hope you will enjoy you stay with us. All the arrangements have been faxed through from Mr Volturi, and I believe his assistant Heidi will be joining you later today to run through everything with you."

Nodding dumbly, I gazed in awe at the opulent foyer of the Peninsula Beverly Hills hotel. "You doing okay there Bells?" Rose spoke softly. "You look like you are going to either pass out or barf. Just relax okay; we have an all-expenses paid weekend ahead of us. Spas, five star food and five star hotties, and all you have to do is hand a little gold man to a celebrity and then we go party. We are not taking you to the Gallows, Ali and I will not let anything bad happen to you, life changing and fun – yes, bad – no."

I took a deep breath and squeaked, "Okay, fun with little gold men, I can do that."

"Of course you can sweetie, right lets drop our bags off. There are a margaritas and a sun lounger calling my name." Alice beamed as she tugged on my arm and motioned for us to follow the Bell Boy up to the Peninsula Suite.

The door of the limo swung open, I took a deep breath and stepped out of my luxury cocoon. Mesmerised, I tried to take in the beauty of my surroundings and revel in the epic-ness of the moment, but I could not see straight! Blitz after blitz of camera flashes, whirring and shouts emanated from the paparazzi stalking the red carpet, Alice and Rose sashayed their way into the Kodak theatre. I just scurried as fast as my heels would allow. Inside was breath taking - Alice and Rose fan-girled like crazy at the Hollywood Elite and Rose had already pocketed two phone numbers. Alice was giving fashion advice to Whoopi Goldberg, when Heidi approached.

"Miss Swan, they are ready for you back stage." I could see Heidi's mouth moving but I couldn't focus on what she was saying. "Go get them, tiger" Rose winked.

Alice patted my ass. "Work it Girlie."

I looked at the pair of them, their faces so full of hope and pride. I gathered my wits, and my skirts – poufy dresses be damned, and I followed Heidi backstage.

"Miss Swan."

"Call me Bella, please."

"Okay then, Bella – we have a slight problem. We have had to switch around some of the presenters as Tanya Denali is too drunk to go on at the moment... so you are now presenting with Jasper Whitlock from 'Chimps X 10' and you are presenting the Best Supporting Actor Award."

My heart dropped into my stomach. "Oookaaaay... who is nominated for that award?" Panic was rising, this had major embarrassment potential. I sent up a silent prayer. 'Don't be anyone hot, please do not be anyone hot!'

"Well…" started Heidi, "… you will be the envy of millions of women as the nominees are Leonardo De Caprio, Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Hugh Jackman and the gorgeous Edward Cullen."

I remember hearing this bizarre whisper giggle type noise. "Bella... are you okay?"

"Hot men, oh god, hot men... I can't do this! Can't... get Alice or Rose... hot men like them. I repel hot men... oh god! I'll just get my coat, need to go... Heidi, what were they thinking?"

Heidi looked like she was going to cry and looked even more bewildered when I bellowed, "COFFEE!"

"Bella, do you want a coffee?"

"Me? Nope not me, Tanya Denali... Tanya Denali needs coffee, so she can sober up and go on..." my brilliance astounded me "... has anyone ordered her a coffee? I'd pay but I left my purse with Ralice and Oslie... um... I mean Alice and Rosalie."

Heidi sighed. "Bella, why don't you sit down for a moment and don't go anywhere, ok?"

"Are you going to get some coffee for Tanya?" I asked hopefully.

She shook her head. "Yes Bella, I am going to get Tanya some coffee, would you like anything, a latte or mocha?"

"No, no thank – I can't pee in this dress... OH!" I slapped my hand across my mouth and squeaked out an apology.

Heidi rolled her eyes. "Ookay then, so no coffee for Bella, duly noted, but please sit there and DO NOT MOVE until I come back."

I swallowed hard and nodded, watching as Heidi swiftly departed from the hot mess that was Bella Swan.

Pondering on what was taking Heidi so long; I was interrupted from my musings by a gorgeous Texan twang.

"Excuse me Ma'am."

"Hmmm?"

"Are you Miss Swan?"

"If you want me to present an award to a hot man, then no, my name is Rosalie Hale. If you are here to tell me that Tanya is now sober and I can go home, then yes, I am Bella Swan."

I blinked and gazed at the gorgeous man crouched down in front of me. He smiled broadly and his eyes twinkled.

"Oh... My ... God... You are one of them, a hot man! Oh god, please go away – it's for your own safety. Please I beg you; I would hate to damage something so pretty."

He threw his head back and laughed "My word Darlin' you are something else!" He thrust his hand towards me, "Name's Jasper, ma'am and it's a real pleasure to make your acquaintance."

"Chimps X 10?"

"The very same, a little birdie told me that you are mighty antsy over presenting with me, so I thought I'd come on over and say hi."

I smiled at him. "You are a very thoughtful hot man... I just said that out loud didn't I?"

Jasper grinned and nodded. "'fraid so little lady," Offering his hand again, Jasper rose to his feet. "How about we pop into the green room and have a chat about what will be happening in about ten minutes time." I let the hot man drag me to my feet and escort me towards the green room. Once inside, my nerves grew exponentially.

"Okay, Miss Bella, they have already written what we need to say on the auto cue, but I have a written copy here too, shall we practise?"

I grabbed the offered paper and clung on to it for grim death and squeaked my consent "Mr Whitlock?"

"Mr Whitlock is my daddy Darlin', Jasper or Jazz is more than fine."

"Okay Jasper..." it felt good to say his name, he had an aura of calm – like we had been buddies for years. "... I am really scared; would it cause any problems for you if I held your hand while we are out there?"

"Not a problem for me little lady; just hold on for as long as you need to. It will be an honour to be seen with such a beautiful lady."

"Thank you Jasper, I can see why my friend Alice wants to marry you and have your babies." Jasper roared with laughter.

"I didn't stop talking after 'Thank you' did I?" I felt my face burning.

He shook his head. "If your friend Alice is anything like you sugar, I might just let her!"

Wiping his eyes, he smiled. "Ready?"

I nodded, took a deep breath and waited for Jazz to speak; five minutes later I was prepped and ready for the stage. Heidi popped her head round the door. "Mr Whitlock, Miss Swan, you are on stage in five minutes, please could you follow me?"

Jasper offered me his hand. "Shall we?" Shaking with nerves, I grasped Jaspers hand like it was the last drop of water in the desert. "Don't let me fall, Jazz"

"I've got you Darlin', no-one falls on Whitlock's watch." He softly kissed my cheek and ushered me from the room. Shaking with nerves and clinging on to Jasper for dear life. I felt like I was awaiting the gallows rather than a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"Whitlock!" I shrieked, as voice boomed from behind me. "It's okay Bella; it's just Emmett…" he spun round to face the giant in a tux. "Geez numb nuts you scared the bejesus out of us."

Emmett the huge laughed and then took my hand. "Sorry little lady, my bad, Emmett McCarty is the name, being a badass on the field is my game."

I averted the impending filter failure by squeaking, "Hi" and shutting the hell up before something like "Badass or Dumbass?" fell from my lips.

Emmett looked at Jasper. "How come you get the shy sweet one and I get the boorish, off her tits lush?"

Jasper erupted, "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you were presenting with Denali? That's too bad man – is it sober yet?"

Emmett looked pissed. "Nope, sleeping it off; drooling and farting in the makeup room."

"Enchanting," Jasper snorted. "You hanging around for a while?"

"Yep, will wait here till you get off stage... Oh here's Heidi, so I think it's your time to shine man."

He clapped Jasper on the back, placing his hand on my shoulder and giving it a small squeeze, he bent down and murmured in my ear. "Break a leg little lady."

"That's what's worrying me." I took a deep breath to steady myself. Emmett laughed and pulled me into a hug. "Never gonna happen Titch, you're in safe hands with old Whitlock and I'll make sure I'm watching you too, first sign of a wobble – I'll cover your ass."

I nodded at Emmett's positivity. "Thanks, I think?"

"Go get 'em Tiger." he beamed as the announcer introduced Jasper and I as the presenters of the best supporting actor award. Grabbing Jasper's hand, I allowed him to lead me to the stage, briefly stopping to grab the statuette from Heidi.

Standing side by side at the plinth, Jasper was completely at ease as he spoke, squeezing my hand in reassurance periodically as he continued his spiel.

"The Academy, this year has surpassed itself, in allowing this beautiful creature to co-present with me. To announce the Nominees, please may I introduce Miss Isabella Swan…"

I could feel my heart thundering and hear the blood roaring in my ears, I took a deep breath and opened my mouth.

"It truly is an honour to be here this evening and I would like to thank the Academy for recognising me as worthy enough to present such a prestigious award. I would also like to thank Alice Brandon and Rosalie Hale for nominating me, and I would also like to thank Jasper for giving me the confidence to join you out here this evening…" There was a polite ripple of applause. "…. and without further ado … Your nominees are….

Leonardo De Caprio in 'Run for your Wife.'

Johnny Depp for 'Pirates of the Caribbean twelve; The Parrots' revenge.'

George Clooney in 'More than Words'

Hugh Jackman for 'Wolverine on Broadway' and finally….

Edward Cullen for 'The Hero's Return.'…"

Jasper spoke again, "and the winner is…." He opened the envelope and nudged me, I heard myself saying, "Edward Cullen for 'The Hero's Return."

The applause was deafening as the bronze haired lump of man meat rose from his chair and strode towards the stage.

I leant towards Jasper. "Can you speak to him please Jazz, I'll most likely just say something Bella-ish, swear and probably head butt him all at the same time."

Jasper laughed. "Aw, Darlin you are no fun!"

"Seriously Jazz, I have a bad feeling about this – something is going to happen!"

"Okay sweet cheeks, don't stress, you just step forward and give the hot man the little gold man, and I will do the rest. Remember to kiss the cheeks on his face and it's a peck on each DO NOT try and stick your tongue down his throat!"

That earned Jasper a slap on the arse and the promise to set Alice on him, he grinned and winked and patted me on the bum to move me towards Edward. As Edward approached, I chanted my internal mantra 'Do not fall! Do not impale him on the Oscar and do not swear at the fuck hawt man!"

I took a step towards him. 'Do not fall! Do not impale him on the Oscar and do not swear at the fuck hawt man!"

I took another step and thrust the Oscar towards him…

'Do not fall!' …. Stumble over hem of dress… check

'Do not impale him on the Oscar'… drop the little gold man just out of the hot man's reach… check

'Do not swear at the fuck hawt man!'… Warm flesh touched my breasts, my nipples pebbled and my lady parts gushed rendering my knickers drenched. I sighed and clenched my thighs as I day dreamed about Edward Cullen caressing my breasts.

I dreamily gazed into Edward Cullen's eyes, slightly mystified by the look of horror on his face…oh fuck I said that out loud didn't I? I followed his eye line down to see his impressive manly hands holding my boobies.

"HOLY FUCK!"

Screaming, I grabbed my boobs back from his delicious hands, turned tail and fled. The audience were on their feet hooting and hollering. Once I had cleared the stage. I stopped briefly to resituate the girls, lifted the offending hem, kicked off the traitorous high heels and ran.

As I neared the exit I could hear, Jasper, Emmett AND Edward Cullen shouting after me.

"Bella Boobs, come back here, I wanna go!" There was a resounding slap. "Ow, Jazz you Nob, what was that for?"

"McCarty, could you BE any dumber? Do you seriously think Bella is in a joking mood?"

I could hear Edward's sexy voice, "Miss Swan, please stop! Miss Swan I am begging you, please allow me to apologise, please!"

The last sound I heard was the door slamming behind me as I made my escape.

I ran from the building and on to the main street, my plan was to jump into our limo and head back to the hotel and hide in the closet until it was time to go home, but which one was our limo? As I stood and looked at the bumper to bumper mile long stretch of luxury vehicles, I was suddenly bombarded by flashing lights and shouts.

*FLASH*

"Bella, did you mean to flash Edward? Are you trying to bed him?"

*FLASH, FLASH*

"Bella, Bella – are you trying to get a break in Hollywood?"

*FLASH*

"Were your boobs a protest Bella? What were you protesting against?"

*FLASH, FLASH, FLASH*

"Was this a publicity stunt for the Chimps new album? How much did Whitlock pay you?"

*FLASH*

"Bella... Bella... Will you pose for us now? Get them out now will yah, darling."

*FLASH, FLASH, FLASH, FLASH, FLASH*

The crowd started chanting "Off, Off, Off, Off..."

The paparazzi surged forward, and I retreated towards the alley I had just exited from. I whimpered as I realised my avenue of escape was blocked. I felt hands grabbing me, the tears flowed. "Please don't hurt me, I just want to go back to my hotel, please just let me go..."

"Geez, Bella-boobs dramatic much?"

The hand on my shoulder squeezed me in reassurance. Whipping my head round, I squealed to see - Emmett, Jasper, Edward and a hot older man stood behind me.

"Take her back inside." Edward snarled.

Hot older man spoke, "Oh good heavens yes; please would you do me the honour of allowing me to escort you back into the building?" He held out his arm, I looked between his face and his arm "... oh where are my manners, Carlisle Cullen, Edward's father, and I promise I won't fondle you in anyway, well not unless you ask me too." he chuckled.

"Dad! What the..." Carlisle winked at Edward as he guided me inside. As Carlisle opened the door there was a flurry of limbs, taffeta and squeals. "Now, now ladies, let Miss Swan breathe, I didn't bring my doctor's bag with me."

Rose and Alice stepped back looking equal parts confused and contrite. "Bella, how the? ... What the? ... First you have Jasper Whitlock holding your hand, Edward freaking Cullen holding your rack and now Dr Sexy McOld-Dude holding you up!"

I was aware of someone clearing their throat, I turned in Carlisle's arms to face the immaculate lady beside me. "Please allow me to introduce myself, I am Dr Sexy McOld-Dude's wife and the mother of the 'freaking' rack fondler, but you can call me Esme."

"Pleasure to meet you Mrs Cullen." I mumbled.

"Sorry for embarrassing you and your family, I stepped forward and I stumbled over the hem of my dress and then they-" I motioned to my boobs, "were ... out and he was ... well ... there."

Esme pulled me out of Carlisle's arms and into hers. "Oh dear girl, no harm no foul. I am sure Edward will not be in the least bit bothered and Oscar and a nice set of breasts, I dare say you made his night." She squeezed me tighter and then started giggling which rapidly snowballed into a full on belly laugh.

"Esme, darling are you ok?" Carlisle looked concerned as Rose and Alice looked on bewildered.

"Oh Car ..." Esme tried to compose herself. "Do you remember that time we were at your graduation?"

Carlisle blushed and sniggered. "How could I forget..." he turned to us, "Es was meeting my folks for the first time and had a few glasses of Dutch courage, ran up onto the stage to meet me and tripped over the hem of her dress with spectacular results!" he waggled his eyebrows.

Rose opened her mouth to speak, when the door was flung open and Edward, Jasper and Emmett tumbled through it all in several different shades of dishevelment.

Alice barrelled forward. "Jasper? Jasper honey, are you alright?"

Jasper looked at me and then at Alice. "I'm fine little lady, I presume you are Miss Alice? Miss Bella has told me so much about you. He took her hand and brushed her knuckles with his lips. Alice squealed. "All good I hope?"

Jasper beamed. "Indeed ma'am, now I believe we have marriage and babies to discuss? Now having met you I'm thinking five maybe six rugrats: cos we sure will breed beautiful children!"

Alice's grin was blinding. "C'mere Cowboy and let me kiss those boo-boo's." Alice pulled Jasper towards her and peppered his face with kisses.

I heard Carlisle muttering to Esme, "That's not code for something we should be worried about is it, Es?"

Esme giggled and wiggled her eyebrows. "I don't think so, Dr Sexy McOld-Dude".

"Mom!" Edward yelled, "Oh God where is the brain bleach?"

"And as for you young man! I have raised you better than to grope young ladies in public. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself Edward Anthony Carlisle Cullen!"

"But mom..." Edward whined. Esme glared and he shrank back and silence descended, it didn't last as I heard Emmett giggle, "So Bella-boobs, what's my reward for defending your honour?"

"Emmett McCarty meet Rosalie Hale, I think you will find she will be reward enough."

Emmett bowed dramatically. "A beautiful name for a beautiful lady – what was it that really old English dude said, "Smelly roses are named so sweet?"

Rose looked puzzled. "I think he means Shakespeare", Edward stage whispered. Rose gasped, whimpered and threw herself at Emmett, who was fist pumping the air as he kissed her.

Edward stepped closer to me. "Hi..." he spoke so softly "I'm sorry, I didn't get to introduce myself properly, I'm Edward Cullen."

I held my hand out to him. "Bella, Bella Swan." He clasped my hand in his, and gently stroked his thumb across the back of my hand. "It's a real pleasure to meet you Bella, Bella Swan.

"...and that is how our illustrious couple met and the rest they say is history, so ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses to Bella-boobs Cullen and Gropeward Cullen... *WHACK* ... sheesh Esme I was joking, damn Mother Cullen, you have a mean right hook!"

Emmett cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honour as the Best Man; Emmett Dale McCarty – Hale, hey that rhymes! Enough with the glare Mother Cullen! Without further ado or before Esme kicks me in the nuts, I would like to introduce Edward and Bella Cullen..."

Author Note: Thank you so much for donating to this cause, it is very dear to me as my son Harry has Aspergers, and boy oh boy life is interesting! I know more about Mario, Sonic and Pokémon than any 37 year old person should. I also know how to stop people tutting with a single glare, and I have developed skills the UN peace corp. would be proud of. I have met some fabulous people such as Lucy, Jo and Trisha who keep me sane, but I wouldn't change Harry for the world, he is such a joyful happy young man – Love you Harry XXXXX

I would also like to thank Janine, Lucy and Kim for organising this, seriously some of the nicest people I have never met! Thank you so much ladies – you rock hard!