Once upon a time in a quaint, enchanted village there lived a beautiful maiden named Lady Britannia. The good lady was beloved by all the villagers. She was noble, with hair as fair as the golden sun and skin as soft and white as snow. Her voice was melodious and her warm touch could heal even the coldest heart. Her smile could make the darkest days seem bright, and her voice could charm the fish right out of the fishbowl. Indeed, Lady Britannia was a jewel—the heavenly angel of the village.
All was peaceful and right in the world. But then, Axel came. He was wounded after a long, hard fight against the Heartless. So Lady Britannia, being the gift from the Heavens that she was, mended his broken heart. He was cured, but the Heartless—ever envious of her purity and grace—swore a vendetta against Lady Britannia. After scheming for a thousand days and nights, the Heartless planned their plan of terror.
One day, Lady Britannia's parents received a flier in the mail saying they won a Time Share raffle in Urban City, so they packed their bags and headed east. They then enrolled Lady Britannia in public school where she learned how to make a shiv, get tattoos using Bic pens, and how to do a shake-down. She passed her entrance exams (by surviving an hour in a room filled with juvenile delinquents).
Despite excelling in her studies, Lady Britannia had no friends. She was an outcast. There were no friendly woodland creatures for her to converse with or amiable village laborers for her to sing to. In fact, singing was frowned upon at school. So to fill the void of loneliness, Lady Britannia took to overindulging. She leaned more towards baked goods than salty snacks and meats, and was often seen stuffing all sorts of cakes into her pie hole.
Some time passed and the authorities came knocking on Lady Britannia's door. They found out that her parents were squatting in a condemned building and had them arrested. In other words, they put them into "school" too. They failed their entrance exams.
Lady Britannia was then transferred to an orphanage, but after a crazed masked man came in with guns blazing and kidnapped a little girl, the orphanage lost funding and Lady Britannia was forced to do hard labor as a greeter at Walmart. The warden—a tough-as-nuts-and-bolts security guard named Hayner—kept a close watch on all his prisoners. He was charged by the higher-ups to indoctrinate everyone on truth, justice, and the American way as part of the rehab and roll-back program.
"Listen up, you sissy wimps!" he would say with a crack of the whip. "We don't take kindly to TERRORISTS in this GREAT NATION trying to TERRORIZE the GREAT PEOPLE of this GREAT and FREE and JUST country! It is an INALIENABLE RIGHT that the GREAT PEOPLE of this GREAT NATION have the FREEDOM and SECURITY and JUSTICE that Walmart offers for FREE! Do you UNDERSTAND...PUNKS?!"
After suffering through the grueling rehab and roll-back program, Lady Britannia was let out on parole. She was then adopted by a sweet couple that had lost their child. But when they tried to teach her how to hunt for gazelle and drink stiff tea, all she could do was scarf down pastries. So they ditched her in a ditch where Timothy looked out for her. The arrangement didn't last long because, you know, it was a ditch.
Lady Britannia then went to sea, but after bumping heads with the Spanish armada and a cutthroat band of auctioneering pirates, she wound up somewhere deep in the heart of the Caribbean. While there, she sought to get a job in Tortuga, but no one would have her. She was stigmatized. The Heartless saw to it that she could never get another job again.
Lady Britannia left the Caribbean by stowing away on the Blackbird. While Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen argued over Borgs and Orcs, Lady Britannia managed to slather on some feathers and blue paint and replaced the pilot. She then crashed into a parking lot because she had no formal aviation training.
"Okay, okay. I think we've heard enough..." Miss Hendricks, the eleventh grade teacher said as she got up from her desk. "Thank you for the interesting, uh, introduction, Brittany," she said, giving Brittany and awkward little clap. "Welcome to our school."
Brittany, the chubby little new girl with the Twinkie in her eye turned beet red. "I see the future!" she said eerily. "It will all come to pass! Mark my words!" Her Twinkie glowed with a strange aura. "I have one more prediction..."
"Yes, well, I have to start class now. Welcome again to our class! Please take your seat next to Lxily."
"But...!"
"No Butz!" said Miss Hendricks just as the Butz blew through the window. She shot him with the M37 she kept under her desk in case of emergencies. "Now sit down!"
Brittany waddled over to her desk, and after taking several minutes to jam and corkscrew herself into the tight squeeze, opened up a pack of cupcakes. She needed a quick fix. Then the girl next to her turned to introduce herself...
To be concluded in the next chapter!