Maritime Misfits
What's the one thing that the Vikings and Polynesians had in common? Both groups were great maritime cultures, travelling far further than anyone else with a boat at the time. So what could happen if both groups ever joined forces? The world would be screwed.
The Principality of Wy was just finishing up with her hair when she heard her older brother bellow out for her. "Kylie, help!" Kylie rolled her eyes and shouted out that she would done in a second. Smoothing her hands down the front of her red dress, she wandered into Australia's room and rolled her eyes again. Her brother was nowhere near ready for the charity night.
"Shane isn't your girlfriend over yet?" she asked as she jumped up onto his bed to better reach his tie.
"Kiri's meeting us there, Ms Cheek," Shane replied as Kylie swatted his hands out of the way.
"Smart girl," Kylie muttered. "Probably knew she'd get roped into helping you get dressed."
"Oh c'mon Ky, gimme a break eh?" Shane pleaded as his sister deftly tied his bowtie and arranged his collar.
"Yeah, yeah, you only wear the monkey suit as an absolute last resort," Kylie replied as she shooed Baz off of the tuxedo jacket lying on the bed and took a lint roller to it. The koala glared at her and she glared right back. "Put your socks on, and you'll find your shoes polished and out in the front room," she added as Shane fiddled with his collar. "And quit mucking with it…"
"Bossy much?" Shane teased and grabbed his socks. Kylie handed him the jacket and he thanked her. As he was putting on his socks and shoes, Kylie rooted around in a drawer before she found a pair of black opal cuff links set in silver.
"Arms out," she commanded, and he obeyed. Kylie put the cuff links in and helped him get the jacket on before taking a step back to inspect the finished product. "You'll do I suppose," she said as she turned to grab her clutch.
"Heh, ta. Kiri will be beating them off with her wahaika when we roll in," Shane boasted as he took a look in the mirror. Kylie giggled at the mental image of New Zealand going full blown tribal in a jealous rage.
"I can see caving someone's skull in with a greenstone club going over well at a charity event," Kylie replied as she took Shane's hand. Brother and sister laughed at the idea as they left for the evening.
At the hall where the charity event was being held, Kiri spotted the pair and waved them over. She was dressed in a simple black sheath with delicate silver thread woven into it. "Had fun showing him how that lot goes together?" Kiri teased as she bent down to hug Kylie.
"I'm onto your scam Kiwi…meeting us here instead of at the house," Kylie retorted as she hugged Kiri back.
Kiri laughed. "Sorry Sweetie, but I would have ended up smacking him before long," she admitted.
"Oi! I'm right bloody here thanks," Shane grumbled as he gave Kiri a hug and a peck on the cheek.
"Unfortunately," Kylie muttered. Shane glared at her and she smirked, while Kiri laughed out loud.
"At least you didn't have to convince him to leave the ceremonial weaponry at home," Kiri said. Kylie and Shane both snorted a laugh as Kiri continued. "I had a field day trying to tell Rangi that the taiaha wouldn't go over well," she added as she jerked her thumb towards her little step-brother the Cook Islands. Rangi looked up when he heard his name and glared at Kiri from where he stood with several of the Polynesian countries.
"They only went with the sarongs because they knew the European girls would be all over them like a bad rash, didn't they?" Kylie asked when she saw what the Polynesian countries were wearing. They had all opted for dress shirts, sarongs, and sandals in various colours.
"Hey it worked Kylie," Tonga grinned.
"Feleti had Monaco drooling all over him earlier," Kiri giggled.
"Oh good on ya mate!" Shane grinned.
"Ah good, Oceania is all here…vat are you wearing?" Germany asked as he suddenly came upon them.
"Traditional formal wear," Samoa stated, folding his large arms across his broad chest. His sister American Samoa stood tall next to him and nodded.
"Ja…" Ludwig cocked a confused eyebrow for a moment before continuing. "You are all assigned seating inside." Kylie looked down at Ludwig's feet and elbowed Kiri. Kiri glanced down at what Kylie was pointing to and bit her lip to keep from laughing. Ludwig was standing next to Shane on tip-toes so that he was of equal height. "Ve'll be starting soon, so I suggest you go inside and find your table," Ludwig concluded.
Shane had been slouching but suddenly stood up straight. "Right ladies and lads, you heard the man," he grinned. Ludwig narrowed his eyes before leaving them to go and pester the Asian countries.
"How did you know he was on tip toes?" Kylie asked her brother as she took his hand.
"He's always doing it," Shane laughed, holding out his other arm for Kiri as they filed into the hall.
"I've seen him try it with Ivan before," Rangi chuckled.
"Small man syndrome," Fa'a shrugged. Fa'a, being a typical Samoan was by far the largest of the group and had no qualms using his immense size to intimidate others. His sister Sefina laughed along with several of the other Islanders. Once at their table, they noticed that Ludwig had arranged them alphabetically. "I don't think so," Fa'a snorted, taking the 'Samoa' placard and tossing it aside.
"You know he only did it to keep our names straight," Sefina accused as she picked hers up and looked at it for a moment.
"Oi Tarau?" Niue called over to Fiji, "Wanna mess with Blondie's head?" he suggested, holding his placard out.
"You're evil, Nauleo," Tarau grinned as he swapped name placards with Niue.
"Won't he notice though?" Kylie giggled.
"Nah," Rangi shook his head. "The only pakehas that can tell us apart are you three."
"Ia Orana," Tahiti greeted as she glided up to the table and took a seat next to Sefina. "Sorry I'm late, but I had a hell of a time finding flowers for my hair," she explained.
"Talofa and I hear you there, Alani," Sefina replied as the other Islanders greeted the late arrival. Alani picked up her placard and was about to toss it aside when Kylie had an idea.
"Here, give them to me," she grinned. "I learned that origami paper thing from Japan," she added. Everyone shared a grin and handed their placards over to the tiny principality. Shane leaned forward to block anyone's view of his sister and casually glanced around.
"Right, Herr Control Freak has his back to us, go for it," Shane announced as Kylie began manipulating the placards.
"Here, pop that in the middle of the table would ya?" Kylie asked as she handed a small wall-less building to her brother. Shane grinned as he leaned forward and did as he was asked. Kylie handed him a couple of smaller paper creations that Shane and Fa'a arranged around the first one before declaring that she was finished.
"Aw, a small fale and some coconut trees…how cute!" Fa'a declared when he saw the finished product. Kylie smiled sweetly and thanked everyone for their compliments as they all looked on at the paper creation in the middle of the table.
"If that doesn't scream 'Pacific Island', I don't know what does," Kiri chuckled.
"That screams 'Fun Table' to me. Aloha," Hawai'i greeted as she came up to them. Shane got up to grab a spare chair as everyone shifted over to make room for the state. "Oh mahalo," Leilani thanked as she took a seat between Fa'a and Tarau.
"Aren't they going to miss you over at the states table?" Kylie asked.
"Nah," she replied with a wave of her hand. "Alaska went to join Russia and company, and Montana and the Dakotas went to hang out with Canada and the provinces."
"Half the time, they forget she's even one of them," Sefina chuckled.
"Excuse me Miss? Y'all take American currency?" Leilani mocked. "No, we only take coconut shells and Chinese monopoly money."
"Dopey bastards," Shane said as everyone laughed.
"Oh c'mon, they can't be that daft…they are?" Kiri piped when Leilani nodded her head.
"I liked it better when I was my own kingdom," Leilani admitted.
"Well tonight you are the Kingdom of Hawai'i at this table!" Shane declared. Everyone in the hall glanced over at the Oceania table when they heard the loud cheer erupting from Shane's declaration.
"Hey! Looks like we know where the party table is now," Denmark grinned.
"Quite," England muttered under his breath.
"Achtung!" Ludwig commanded from the podium on stage. "I vant to thank you all for coming this evening," he started. "I also vant to thank you for supporting Herr Greece's idea of an emergency charity fund…" he was interrupted by a long applause. "Yes, thank you Greece. Ve vill commence with dinner in ten minutes, followed by dancing and socialising. The party will promptly end at twenty three thirty," he finished.
The group at the Oceania table all rolled their eyes at Ludwig's fanaticism to detail. "So nice of them to shove us in the back corner," Kiri commented, rubbing her hands together in glee. "We can have our own party back here." Ludwig had waited until most of the guests had served themselves at the buffet before going up and getting a plate. He scratched his head in puzzlement as he looked at the large buffet. He could have sworn there had been at least a dozen pineapples arranged as decorations along the buffet.
Back at the Oceania table, Tarau and Nauleo were hacking up the missing pineapples. "You're using a spoon?" Shane teased Kiri and Kylie as he watched them with a couple of the discarded pineapple tops.
"We're in public," Kiri smirked and Kylie waggled her eyebrows.
Dinner wound down and soon the strains of a waltz could be heard softly in the background. Rangi rested his chin in his hand and grinned at Kiri and Shane. "So why aren't you two out there?" he asked.
"Yeah," Kylie chimed in. "You are the only ones they usually recognise at these things anyway."
"The big powers of the region and all," Fa'a added.
"There's only one problem with that," Kiri replied. "He can't waltz for shit."
"According to that Waltzing Matilda…" but Shane cut Leilani off.
"If you ever bothered to listen to the lyrics, Waltzing Matilda is about a sheep poacher who gets caught and killed by the cops," he explained.
"And haunts the billabong he was killed at afterwards," Kylie added.
The rest of the group at the table stared at them in bewilderment. Kiri got up and tugged on Shane's collar. "You explain it to them Kylie, while I lead 'Mr Two Left Feet' around the dance floor a few times."
"No worries," Kylie replied, giving Kiri a thumbs up sign. "Mind your toes."
"She's all bloody cheek tonight," Shane grumbled as he was led to the dance floor.
"Gave you a rough time getting ready eh?" Kiri asked as she guided them across the floor.
"Did she…hullo?" Shane said noticing the decorations on the wall. "Knowing Herr Control Freak, I bet ya that lot's authentic," he said, nodding to a collection of items from the Oceania region.
"Fa'a and Tarau could reach those easy," Kiri added as she got what Shane was suggesting.
"And either one of them could give Ky a boost to get the stuff they can't," Shane grinned.
Kiri suddenly hissed. "Toes," she grunted and Shane winced.
"Sorry Love," he replied meekly. The waltz ended and the two returned to their table.
"Were Austria and Hungary dancing or making out?" Sefina asked when they got back.
"Making out," Kiri replied after looking back at the dance floor and spying the two countries waltzing in a manner that was far more intimate than a waltz should be.
"Anyway," Shane added, changing the subject. The others all looked up at the decorations Shane had noticed as he was explaining his plan.
"The costume looks to be the right size too," Alani grinned as she studied the Tahitian costume on the wall.
Denmark was watching as the Oceania group removed the costume and instruments from the wall. He saw Alani dash behind a curtain with the costume and smirked. Glancing around he saw that no one else had noticed what was going on in the back corner. Alani returned from behind the curtain dressed in the red and gold Tahitian costume and Christian had to admit she looked good. "Not that you are all boring, but the party's over there," he told his tablemates. "I'll see you later!" The other Nordics watched him as he made his way over to the back corner. They all spotted Alani at the same time and even Sweden's eyebrows rose up to his hairline at the sight of her.
"Wow…"
"Já."
Shane had ditched his jacket and was giving the didgeridoo a test playing when Christian ambled over. "G'day mate," he greeted and Christian replied with a raising of his beer bottle.
"Mind if I hang out here?" Christian asked. "I've been watching you guys all night, and they're boring," he said, jerking his thumb back to the European table. "And you aren't."
"Take a seat man," Feleti offered and waved his hand to an empty chair.
Nauleo practiced with the drumming sticks for a few seconds before banging on the log drum in a fast rhythm. Alani counted the beat and began dancing along. Christian's jaw dropped when he saw her long grass skirt sway dramatically to the beat. Leilani laughed at him as she ambled over to Alani's side and started dancing in time with her cousin. All around the hall, nations looked over and jaws dropped at the spectacle of Hawai'i and Tahiti swaying their hips in an almost impossible way to the drum beat Niue was providing. It was quickly decided among the other nations that Oceania would provide the entertainment for the night, and they were shoved towards the dance floor. Christian grinned and went back to his fellow Nordics to watch the show. Austria and Hungary took over the back corner that Oceania had deserted and continued to waltz to the music in their hearts, oblivious of everyone else in the hall.
Up on the dance floor, the Polynesian men had all doffed their dress shirts and were lined up with Rangi in front leading the way. Rangi shouted out a chant in Māori and the rest of the men moved threateningly along to it. As the Haka ended, Feliciano cowered behind Lovino in fear. Kiri high fived Rangi as she took his spot and began singing in Māori and swinging around the poi balls that Kylie had nicked from the wall earlier. Leilani and Sefina swapped places with Kiri when she was done and as Fa'a strummed along on the ukulele, the two danced a slow traditional hula. Nauleo started his furious drumming again and Alani glided in between her two cousins and smirked. Leilani and Sefina laughed and played along as a dance off started between the two radically different styles. Sefina couldn't keep up with her cousins when the pace got fast, so she would stand to the side and pretend to look annoyed. The grin on her face betrayed her though.
Feleti, Rangi, and Tarau took over next armed with spears. Nauleo began beating out a different rhythm and the three engaged in a mock war with each other. Fa'a came up behind them with a double bladed spear and lit the ends on fire. Tonga, the Cook Islands, and Fiji made way for Samoa who fire danced to the front of the dance floor and wowed the crowd. He ended by blowing a jet of fire from his mouth before extinguishing the spear. Wang and Kiku both were standing on their seats applauding wildly at the display.
"Too bad the ancestors never made it to their part of the world," Christian joked to his fellow Nordics.
"That would have been a sight to see though," Berwald admitted.
"That would have been glorious," Iceland purred, the displays setting his blood on fire. Finland swallowed audibly and Norway just watched in fascination. "Imagine the blood spilling from the weak if we'd joined forces with them."
"Sig's gonna blow," Christian laughed. Tino practically crawled into Berwald's lap as Kjetil watched the normally cool nation.
"You know France owns Tahiti right?" Kjetil asked Sigur∂ur. He'd noticed that whenever Alani was in the spotlight, Sigur∂ur was particularly hot and bothered…not that he could blame him.
"His blood will stand out gloriously on the carpet," Sigur∂ur replied.
"And the Viking blood still runs strong," Christian laughed. Sigur∂ur's intense interest had not gone unnoticed by the women of Oceania.
"Looks like the Vikings are planning on returning to their pillaging roots," Kylie commented.
"Ha! We can take em," Kiri snorted. Sefina cracked her knuckles and Leilani narrowed her eyes in agreement.
"Let's see how just icy Iceland really is," Alani purred, noticing that his interest was the most intense among the Nordic countries. The others snickered along as Alani went over to Nauleo and whispered in his ear. He chuckled after a moment.
"That's pure evil," he told her before letting his cousins in on what Alani had planned.
"Those bastards don't stand a snowball's chance in hell," Shane laughed. "Pun intended!" he added.
Nauleo started drumming again and this time Alani wove her way through the crowd, flirting as she went along. Wang got bounced back into his seat when he tried to sidle up to her. Several other countries fell before her as she wound her way around until she came to the Nordics.
"Ég vilja Þú," Sigur∂ur growled as he stood before her. Judging by the smouldering look in his eye, Alani figured out roughly what he'd said.
"Try me," she smirked.
"Hey! That's…" Francis started to argue. Sigur∂ur snatched Christian's axe and held the blade to Francis' throat, never taking his eyes off the Polynesian beauty before him. "All yours, mon ami," Francis stammered, looking down at the large blade before him.
"Perkele," Tino swore under his breath as he watched and Sigur∂ur smirked.
"You heard the coward," Alani challenged. She yelped suddenly when Sigur∂ur snatched her with his free arm and claimed her mouth with his. 'Not so icy after all,' she thought before kissing him back hard.
"Bloody hell," Shane laughed as he and the others watched the spectacle.
Ludwig stared slack jawed for a moment before mutterings around him caught his attentions. The steamy display had caused more than a few nosebleeds around the room. Glancing at his watch he saw the time and sighed in relief. "Achtung! Party's over," he declared.
"You heard him," Alani teased, taking hold of Sigur∂ur's shirt front and leading him out of the hall.
Christian just managed to catch his axe as Sigur∂ur tossed it back to him. He just barely overheard the Oceania group discussing about continuing the party back at Shane's house and he grinned. "I'm going home with them," Christian said, jerking a thumb towards the front.
"Why not?" Kjetil shrugged. "Might as well compare notes." Berwald smirked, liking the idea and Tino groaned. The Nordics were invited to go with the rest of the Oceania crowd and Ludwig swallowed hard when he saw this.
A bonfire burned on the beach near Shane's house as the two groups exchanged histories and ancestral accomplishments. Christian began taking a fancy to Kiri but Shane intervened. "No offense mate, but she's mine," he grinned, wrapping an arm around Kiri's waist. Kiri smacked him playfully as Christian held his hands up in surrender.
"That's Alani's place isn't it?" Nauleo asked, pointing to a glow on the horizon.
"Yeah," Tarau replied. "Looks like the hips of doom melted Iceland."
"Is she just as limber…?" Kjetil began.
"Yup," Tarau and Nauleo replied.
"Why didn't we join forces with them sooner?" Kjetil jokingly asked his brothers.
"America was in the way," Christian suggested with a shrug.
"Weather," Tino replied at the same time.
"Whatever," Berwald muttered. Turning his attention back to the conversation he'd been having with Rangi, Feleti, and Fa'a, he continued. "Italy…both of them are push overs. Russia might be a problem though."
"I'll take him," Fa'a stated.
"Then we'll have a hangi," Rangi grinned. Berwald raised a curious eyebrow at the two Islanders.
"Ancient tradition," Fa'a explained. "Eat your enemies after you've defeated them."
"Guarantees that they can never come back and attack you again," Rangi added.
"Wait? You eat your enemies?" Tino asked somewhat horrified.
"Ask Arthur what really happened to Captain Cook," Leilani grinned and the rest of Oceania laughed.
Christian grinned. "The world will be ours yet," he cackled.
"You get all the cold places and we get the warm," Feleti stated and Berwald nodded.
Sensing impending doom, the rest of the world slept uneasily that night.
Ég vilja Þú – I want you, in Icelandic.
And before anyone dares to go me about the comment Hawai'i makes regarding the American currency thing…guess again. I lived there for a decade and worked in retail and got asked that question a lot…by tourists from the American mainland. The joke about coconut shells and Chinese monopoly money actually became my standard retort to these less educated souls. All Polynesian countries have a form of the Haka; however New Zealand is most famous for it. There's a running joke in Hawai'i that says Captain Cook told King Kamehameha to pay taxes to England. Kamehameha replied by killing him and having a grand feast. ..yes Polynesians believed that eating your enemies stopped them from coming back in the next life to attack again.