Hina Springer (The UNCUT version)
By Ronin Aquila
Jerry Springer Presents: Stay With Me And My Baby You Ten-Timing-Bastard!!
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! WHOOOOOO!!!
Jerry: Hey, welcome to the show!! Today a father will be reunited with his long lost children. The trouble is, each child has a different mother.
Crowd: OOOOHHHHHH!!
Jerry: Meet Keitaro.
Keitaro: Hi, Jerry.
Jerry: Keitaro, tell us a bit about yourself?
Keitaro: Well, Jerry. Two years ago I failed to get into Tokyo University for the second time, and I had to move out. The thing is that I kinda became a manager at this all girls dormitory (Guys in audience cheer) that my grandma left me. Sure, the five girls living there didn't like me all that much in the beginning, but later on we became close friends. Although I failed for the third time, I got in on the fourth with their support, and I love them with all my heart.
Crowd: AAAAWWWWW!!
Jerry: Would you tell us what happened after you got in?
Keitaro: Well, my aunt who helps me run the dormitory threw this beach party for me to celebrate. That was like eight and a half months ago. I kinda got drunk and forget what happened that evening. The next day I moved out of the dormitory and lived on Tokyo-U campus ever since.
Jerry: And did you remember the fourteen year old girl you slept with.
Crowd: BOOOOOO!!
Keitaro: What in the name of &&$%K?!?
Jerry: Her name is Shinobu!! Lets bring her out!!
(Crowd cheers deliriously as Shinobu comes on stage in her ¤æittle red riding hood?outfit, and stands facing the audience.)
Shinobu: (Timidly) Hello, my name is Maehara Shinobu, pleased to meet you (bows courteously).
Crowd: (Visibly moved) AWWWWWW!! (You're so cute!!)
(Shinobu sits down next to Keitaro)
Jerry: Welcome to the show, Shinobu.
Shinobu: Thank you, mister.
Jerry: Now I believe you have something you want to tell Keitaro.
Shinobu: Well...I... ("don¸t be shy, honey!!"shouts a nice fat lady in the crowd) well... Urashima Sempai... that night day at the party... you told me you loved me... and we.... we...
(Crowd ¸rWWWs?as she is too shy to say "had sex."
Jerry: Don't worry, dear, you don't have to say it if you don't want to.
Shinobu: 'Kay.... (lifts up the flaps of the hood covering her stomach) ...please, look after me and our daughter (her stomach is visibly 8 and 1/2 months pregnant)..
Crowd: (bursts into a cacophany of "AWWWs" and "BOOOOs"
Keitaro: Well, I....
(Crowd continues booing as he cowers into a corner. Shinobu follows him, eyes watering like the Niagara Falls)
BACKSTAGE: KEITARO NO BAKA.
(Naru, holding a white bundle in her left arm, charges on stage and sends Keitaro screaming into the audience with her right fist. Audience proceeds to shove him back to Naru as she repeatedly tramples him.)
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
(Keitaro finally manages to haul himself back in his chair as Naru angrily sat next to him. Shinobu sits on the other side.)
Jerry: Welcome to the show, Naru.
Naru: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: Now, Naru. You and Keitaro have been married for a year and going to Tokyo-U for the past year, right.
Naru: That·ö right, Jerry. And this (BEEP)ing cheat is the father of my son!! (Shows baby to audience, quietly sleeping, Audience "Awwws") How could you do that to Shinobu?! She is just a child!! How are we going to take care of her and her baby!?
Keitaro: Well it happened before we slept together and I was drunk....
Audience: BOOOOOOOO!!
BACKSTAGE: Urashima thou lilly livered knave!!
(Motoko, with a swollen belly, charges on stage in a tight black swimsuit and proceeds to slash at Keitaro mercilessly with her Katana. Steve barely pulls her back, but not before losing an arm.)
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: Welcome, Motoko.
Motoko: (Ignoring Jerry) Urashima, though hast vowed to take charge and shelter myself and the two children growing inside me but seven nights ago...
(Crowd "BOOHHHs" and Naru smashes kicks Keitaro into the audience)
Motoko: ....but I know now that thou lackest the honor and duty bestowed upon a father and husband. I shall live no longer in the shame of being thy lover (draws short sword) I SHALL TAKE MY TWINS WITH ME!!
(It took the entire security to wrestle the sword from Mokoto·ö arms. The shock sends her into labor on stage).
Shinobu: Stop it....stop it...please STOP!! (Crying deliriously, she goes into labor as well from the shock.)
(Keitaro·ö face is as white as a sheet with two streams of tears pouring down his glasses as he uncomprehendingly lets Naru strangle him)
Jerry: (HUGE sweatdrop) Well be right back....
(An ad for a glow in the dark vibrator was amongst many other perverted mail order items that was advertised)
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: Hey, welcome back... and...
Shinobu: KYAAAAA!! (a bloody baby girl emerges from a censored blur between her legs). Urashima Sempai....would...you....(huff) like to hold our daughter? (Falls asleep with a warm smile, holding the baby)
Crowd: (Moved by the motherly nature of the scene) AWWWWW!!
Jerry: Aww, Now Isn't that sweet... If you just joined us, Keitaro here has just been reunited with his illegitimate daughter, born just then, and soon with his twin sons from a different mother.
Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!
Motoko: (Finishes giving birth to first child on the side of the stage) I'LL SEE THEE BURN IN JIGOKU, YOU KNAVE!! (Screams as the second one starts being born.)
Jerry: and we have two more....
BACKSTAGE: (Voice of a man) DADDY!!
(A brown skinned man who looks otherwise exactly like Keitaro literally flies onstage with a jetpack made of a vaccum cleaner and proceeds to hug and kiss Keitaro).
Keitaro: Who the %% are you!?
Man: (oblivious) MaMa Su told me so much about you.....
Kietaro: WHHHHAAAAATTTTT?!
(Su, young as ever, rides onto stage on her mechanical horse as seen on episode 2, and drives an affectionate flying kick into Keitaro·ö face)
Su: HULLO!! KEITARO!! LONG TIME NO SEE!!
Jerry: Now, Ms Kaola, is it true that people in your country don't age unless they want to?
Su: YUP!! I stay like this so Keitaro 2 here can... hmm... "play" with me.
Keitaro: But its only been a year, Su!! How the...
Su: Funny, it seemed like 22 back in my country....
Keitaro 2: Hey, MaMa Su, isn't that aunt Motoko?
(Motoko screams as she pulls the second child out of herself, and then shifts her eyes back and forth in disbelief and horror between Keitaro 2 and the baby. The second child·ö skin is noticably darker than the firsts.)
Motoko: (Turns to Keitaro) Urashima, no wonder you had a tan the second time we did it on that day....
Shinobu: (Now awake) THAT MEANS..... YOU'VE BEEN WITH KAOLA BEFORE ME!!
Keitaro 2: (Childishly leaps onto Motoko) DID YOU LIKE IT DIDYOU LIKE IT? LETS DO IT AGAIN!!
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: Well, like father like son.
Crowd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Keitaro (Being strangled by a now literally burning mad Naru) but...I...didn't...sire...the...second...one... (passes out).
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
BACKSTAGE: WHY YOU KIDS DON±´ KNOW HOW USEFUL KIDS CAN BE AFTER ALL?
(Mitsune walks on stage in a õazi Dominatrix?outfit with blurred breasts as the crowd cheers.)
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: Now, Mitsune...
Mitsune: (Seductively) Call me Kitsune, sugar...
Jerry: (Swallows in arousal) Now you have kids with Keitaro too, is that correct.
Mitsune: That's right, big guy.
Jerry: Where are they?
Mitsune: Well, I loaned them out.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!!
Jerry: (Visibly shocked) You sold your own children!!
Mitsune: No, sweetheart, I just loaned them out for 5,000 Yen a month and regularly ask for interest, more money that way.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!
(Mitsune flicks a censored middle finger at the crowd as she seductively does a striptease that drives the men in the audience wild)
Keitaro: (Now Awake) OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD..........
Jerry: Now there is yet another party to this chaotic love (smirk) polyhedral, please meet...
(A deafening crunch rings across the studio seating area as a van crashed through two dozen or so audience members, smearing them on the windscreen. The van takes a summersault flip onto the stage and explodes into a pile of burning, molten slag. Steve has sown his arm back on and is putting out the fire with the crew as a handsome, bleeding man with a girl on his shoulders walks slowly out of the inferno.)
Jerry: (Huge Sweat drop)... Ahem, please meet Seta and his adoptive daughter Sara.
Seta: Hi Jerry, Love your show (Crowd Cheers, a few girls whistle). And Keitaro, I see you are as good in bed with all these lovely ladies (Kitsune Winks at him) as you are with Sara and me.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!! (Keitaro tries to run backstage but is pulled back on by Naru by his testicles)
Naru: (Crying in dissapointment) How did I fall in love with two faggots in a row!!
Seta: Aww, come on Naru-Chan, I said that I love all of you. Just because Keitaro is a guy doesn't mean I can't love him like I "loved" you and Kistune (Crowd "Boos" verhemently).
Jerry: Now, Mr Seta, how could you have a threesome with another man, and with your daughter in the middle of it at that?!
Seta: (Laid Back and Casual) Well, lets just say my lovely daughter here (Sara ºMeace Signs?the audience) is a legitimate heterosexual conduit from which I can act out my bisexual desires.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!
Sara: Papa!! Can Keitaro go from behind next time? His doodle is so little that I didn't even feel Goddamn thing!
(Naru faints from anger. Keitaro tries to run again but is pinned to the wall by the shoulder with Motoko's thrown short sword. She, having recovered her strength and now in her training uniform, angrily faces Seta with a drawn Katana. Motoko throws twins to Shinobu, who catches them in time, but her eyes are ³£wirling?in terror.)
Motoko: HE IS MINE!! He's the father of my firstborn and grandfather to my secondborn, and I shall force him to learn those duties. But thou shalt not interfere meanwhile.
Seta: So eager for a rematch?
Motoko: That·ö my phrase. Now MEET THY MAKER, WRETCH!!
(Valiantly as Steve and the bodyguards try, they are thrown flying into the audience by the maelstrom of Martial Arts energy that emanates from a titanic battle.)
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
(In the fray, Sara is knocked down by an affectionate flying kick, courtesy of Su into Shinobu)
Su: (Bounding onto the Shinobu and Sara) Aw, come on Sara, why don't you like "playing" with us anymore?
Sara: Cos the Banana you use on me and Shinobu here ain't nowhere as hard as the real thing, Jungle Girl!!
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
(Keitaro manages to pull the Wakisashi out of his shoulder, and flew head-first into the ample bosoms of Mistsumi as he tried to run offstage again)
Mitsumi: Oh, hello, Urashima Kun!! (Looks at the now sedated and "restrained" carnage onstage) Where am I?
WHOLE LOVE HINA CAST: (Shouts in Frustration) YOU ARE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, TWIT!!
Mitsumi: Oh, yeah, that's right. Hi, Jerry!! Hi everybody!! (Crowd Cheers and "Awws" at this sweet woman as she politely bows). Urashima Kun, I came to tell you something.
Jerry: (Snickers) You're not pregnant too, are you? (Wink Wink Nudge Nudge)
Mitsumi: (Sticks out tongue) Not me silly!! Its my best friend Tama-Chan!!
(Tama Chan flies affectionately at Keitaro·ö feet and promptly lays five eggs. Equally prompt, they hatch into five baby turtles, with the heads of Keitaro, glasses and all. They fly amongst the Booing audience, one lands on Jerry·ö head. Keitaro panics hysterically and collapses in a gibbering crying heap).
Jerry: And past guest have stated that they are incapable of loving anything of a lower species(Crowd Laughs)!!
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: (To himself) Hmm, maybe I can do one on bestiality for tomorrow's show...
(Without Warning, Aunt Haruka walks onstage, smoking a cigarette in her usual laid back manner)
Haruka: Well, well, well, Seta boy. Haven't changed at all, have ya, just love em and leave em.
Seta: Oh, hi, Haruka san.
Haruka: Cut the Haruka san crap, jerk. How could you treat my nephew like such a toy. (Puffs Smoke Rings). Well I got something to tell ya, our baby is not yours, but HIS (Points to Keitaro, strangled uncomprehendingly by a now awake Naru, who is simultaneously batting off a Keitaro turtle.)
Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!
Jerry: Well, Keitaro, looks like you are now a father, grandfather AND uncle all at once now.
Crowd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Jerry: But aren't you being just a bit hypocritical, since you are treating your nephew like a toy too?
Haruka: Nah, I had to have Keitaro here help me cos that impotent jerk (points to Seta) can't get me pregnant. Salmon ain't swimmin' upstream, y'nkowhaI'msayin? (Takes a sexy puff of her cigarette.) So Keitaro here's not my toy, he·ö my sperm donor. But since I have a kid now, Seta baby's all mine again!! (Smirks and puffs smoke rings sexily).
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
Naru and Kitsune: Oh no you don't!! (Charges Aunt Haruka, who gracefully sends them flying into Mitsumi, who falls dead, with a gracefully executed crescent moon kick).
Crowd: AUNTIE!! AUNTIE!! AUNTIE!! AUNTIE!!
(Haruka French kisses Seta as Kitsune and Naru desperately tries to shake Mitsumi awake. Mitsumi sits up and smiles as blood pours like a waterfall down her mouth).
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
(Keitaro's face is now a pale and expressionless blank as the security fits him into a straightjacket)
Jerry: And here·ö my final thoughts for the day. Some people have a lot of love to give around. But when you don't give all you love to one person, the other person or (Snickers) people will be jealous and hurt by your deceit. Therefore be faithful in your love and save a lot of broken hearts. Till next time take care of yourselves, and each other. Good Night.
Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!
(Audience Applauds and Cheers as the stage is full of crying babies held by their respective mothers as Keitaro is carted off to the loony bin.)
The End (Or, is it..... MUHUHWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)