Euphoria
His eyes are on me, always. Though I look calm, I'm not. How could I be, with his eyes piercing my very flesh? How could anyone? He's beautiful. He's magnificent and glorious. He's the epitomy of everything I want.
While my thoughts and desires run havoc within me, my face only ever shows the expression of apathy. I've never shown him any other expression. I've never shown anyone any expression other than apathy, but especially not him. It's easy to convey an apathetic expression around others, simply because they do not interest me. Him, on the other hand, I have to work for that apathy. I can't let him know that I adore him. Not only his looks, but his personality as well. His perserverence.
No matter how far ahead of him I am, or how far I get, he's always right behind me, trying his best to keep up and surpass. His eyes catch every move that I make, calculating his own next move. It drives me a little further towards insanity every time our eyes meet. His ice blue orbs staring daggers into my own dull gray.
I can never show any expression other than apathy to him, let alone tell him of the chaos inside me. He hates me. With every fiber of his wonderful being, he despises, he loathes me. And I can never change that. Even if my grades were suddenly to drop, even if I went fully insane and became no longer credifiable, we'd both know. He'd still hate me, because we'd both know that I'd still be smarter without trying, that I'd still out-rank him. But he never gives up. He still tries, and with a valiant effort comes close to my level. I love that about him. There are so many things that I love about him.
The way he never gives up on anything, the way he can scare away anyone, save for me and that gaming retard, Matt, with just a single look. I love the way his cornsilk hair shines in the light, the way his ice cold eyes bore holes into me. I love the kinky way he dresses, the confident step in his walk. I love his addiction to chocolate, and the way he never gains any weight from it. You could probably, quite accurately, say I love everything about him. Even the tone of his voice that drips with poison.
That's why, in the safety of my own room at night, while he is in his shared room with his idiot best friend two floors below, I let myself dream. I let myself fantasize about my desires and what can never be. I know it can never be, and that is why I must satiate myself with the fantasies and dreams.
Late at night, after I finish my studies, after the orphanage has gone to bed and fallen into their blissful unconscious, I lay on my bed, wide awake, and let my mind wander. I imagine his eyes on me once again, the icy daggers in them, melting into an ocean I can drown in. He walks closer to me, until he's barely an inch away, his eyes trained on mine. We stay like that for what feels like an eternity, but logically I know it's only a matter of seconds, until I can feel the soft touch of his lips on mine, the taste of chocolate on his breath.
I lean up to let him kiss me, parting my mouth to let his lips and tongue explore. He does so with ease, slipping his tongue in and tracing every part of my mouth with it. He quickly finds my tongue, coaxing it into a dance with his own, and I eagerly give in. He takes the dominant role immediately, both of us knowing I could never top him. I let him plunder and raid my mouth, my eyes closed, body saturated with lust. I can feel myself harden, my body responding to the hormones the images in my mind had produced.
But for the first time ever, I am ripped out of my late night fantasies by a soft knocking at my bedroom door. It's surprising, as no one should be awake at this unsightly hour, and also aggravating to be pulled out of what I was positive was going to be one of my best fantasies. Pulling a blanket over myself in order to conceal my current state, I screw my face back into its normal, apathetic expression, though it's much harder to accomplish when in this aroused state.
I open the door, and gasp, falling backwards, tripping over my blanket, now tangled in it. The man standing at my door is none other than the one starring in my fantasies along side me. My beloved Mello. He looks like a god, and I can't help but stare in amazement as he looks malevolently down upon me.
He stands in my doorway, clad only in black silk boxers, his hair messy and falling around his face, framing the glare focused on me. The window from the hallway is letting in the moonlight, which halos around him, almost making him look luminescent. His skin is pale and perfect. He speaks, though in a voice I'm not used to hearing. I have to tear my gaze away from the gloriousness that is his body, trying to pull my apathetic mask back to cover my amazement, though I hardly think I'm succeeding. His voice is not tinged with poison as usual. It is more tires, with a hint of interest. Probably at my uncharacteristic display of emotions other than apathy.
"What are you doing up so late, Near?"
"I could ask you the same question. I'm at least in my room at this hour." I fumble with my retort, instantly regretting sounding so rude. I like his voice without the dripping poison.
"Touche. But that doesn't answer my question." I'm lucky. There's still no poison in his voice. I look up curiously, no longer caring that I'm showing more than apathy. By this time, there's no point in trying anyway.
"Why should I answer you?" He looks at me as though I've missed something.
"If you answer me, I'll answer you." I suppose telling him wouldn't hurt, as long as I skipped around the bulk of the reason.
"I'm always up this late. I like to let my mind wander when there're no distractions such as people." Honest enough in my opinion. He smirks, a glint in his eyes, a flash of something I'm not sure I want to know about. The look is gone as quickly as it had come.
"Same here, though I like to let my body wander as well. I come up here every night around this time." I paled, if my already paper white skin could get any paler. I make noise during my fantasies, and often call out the name Mello when I release at the end of them. There are no other occupants on the fourth floor, so I can make the noise without having to worry about waking anyone. Until now that is. Now I have plenty to worry about. "The sights are better on this level." I gulped, wanting to shove Mello out of my room, and at the same time, pull him close to me. "As well as the sounds..." I mustered up the best confused look I could, though I felt like I was going to vomit.
"Th.. The s-sounds?" Surely he would make fun of me now. He would never let me live this down. And yet, even through the evil smirk that's spreading across his face, the glint in his eyes as he kneels down in front of where I lay on the floor, sprawled in my blanket, I couldn't help but be even more attracted to him.
"Don't play dumb." He looks at me, keeping his eyes on mine, as he rips the blanket away from my body. "It doesn't suit you." I gulp, holding back the tears that so desperately want to be free of my eyes. I can't move. Can't do anything but lay before Mello, frozen on the floor, all my warmth torn away with the blanket and its concealment. I'm aroused, nauseous, and scared, all at the same time. I hear Mello laugh, and I know that the teasing is about to begin.
"I remember the first night I heard you call out my name. I almost barged in here to see what the hell you wanted, but then I heard you moan, and realized you had no idea I was outside your door." His eyes are sparkling, but I close my eyes, ready to cry. I didn't want him to find out. "I came up here the night after, only to hear you call out to me again. You make such soft noises, one would normally think you're just dreaming. But I know better." No matter how hard I'm trying, a tear slips out, and I can't even bring a hand up to wipe it away.
"I'm sorry.." It's only a whisper, but I breathe it out. He's probably mad. He's probably disgusted. He hates me, and he probably thinks I'm vile. I myself thought I was vile for so long before I just accepted that I was gay, and that the man I loved was my one and only true rival.
"I've come up here every night since. It's been a year. I had thought it would stop by now, but the only thing that's changed since when you first started is that you say my name louder. You're not so quiet anymore, not with the floor to yourself." I'm crying full out now. He's analyzing. That's almost worse than poking fun at the fact.
"I said I-I'm sorry... What more do you want?" I can't control the hitching in my breath.
"You."
"Don't tease me.. Mello, don't tease.." I can't take it. I've loved him for so long, and I was fine without him knowing, because he could never reject me, or hurt me that way.
"I'm not." The next thing I know, there's a warm pressure on my chest, and a pair of satin soft lips on my own. Just a light peck. "Ever since that first night, I've come up here to listen to you. It changed something inside me." Another peck. "I still aspire to be greater than you. And I'm still going to try to surpass you." Peck, peck. "But having my greatest rival moaning out my name? The one I so desire to beat?" Peck. "It's an amazing feeling. I'm elated. Almost euphoric." I open my eyes to look up into his. His face is set, and he's completely serious. I can tell, because he's never been one who can control his expressions. His emotions relay directly to his face.
"You're serious." Not a question.
"I am." He leans back down, licking my lower lip. I automatically respond. It's ingrained in my brain to respond to him, to give in this way. I've been doing it for a year, if only in my mind. His tongue slides over my own. It's a soppy, wet suckling, and even without previous experience, I can tell that Mello knows how to kiss, and kiss well. Seeing as I sleep without a top, my shirt is already off, and I can feel Mello's hands running up my sides, caressing me softly. I gasp, my mouth opening wider. This is my biggest dream come true. The one I love is kissing me. He's carsseing me.
"Ah!" I can't help but make noise when I feel Mello's mouth move down over my chest. He captures a sensitive nipple between his teeth, grazing his pearly whites along it gently, making me arch my back. His hands travel down, grabbing my hips and keeping me arched. He keeps his mouth attatched to my body, but moves lower, and lower still, until he reaches the hem of my pajama bottoms. He bites on the tie holding the pants in place, and pulls the hem down, so slowly. He sets me down on his knees, my back still off the floor, as he uses his hand to pull my bottoms off the rest of the way. He smiles, realizing that I do not wear undergarments to bed.
"Ha.. aah.." I gasp at the cold air hitting my skin. And then I feel warmth. A light heat, whispering along my exposed flesh. I look up slightly, as my hips are lifted even higher, as Mello envelops me in in his mouth.
"Aaah!" I cry out at the sensation. I hadn't expected any of this to happen, especially not this. This is more than I had ever imagined. I thrust my hips up as far as I can, wanting to get more of that delicious feeling. Mello only smiles, lightly starting to suck. This is almost too much to bear.
"Mello!" I cry out, not my release, but begging him to stop. He lets go, a question on his face. I move to sit up, and then stand, and pull him with me back to the bed, in answer to his unspoken question. I push him down on the bed before me, removing his boxers in the process. I'm not let down by my fantasies, as he is larger than what my dreams had created him to be. My eyes are wide. He speaks to me, his voice a bit huskier than usual.
"Near? Is this okay?.." I only smile, kneeling down in front of him, as I lick at him. I've dreamt of tasting him, knowing his pleasure. He is hard already, and I lick along the bottom of his member, slowly moving up to focus on the head. He gasps as I lick across the slit, tasting the precum welling up there. It's salty, and it's his essence. I automatically love it. I move my mouth to take in as much of him as I can fit, almost gagging, but swallowing it back and forging on, only wanting to please him. Before I can do much more, he pulls me up by my hair, crashing his mouth against mine, pulling me onto the bed and rolling so that he's on top of me.
"Mmn.." I moan into the kiss as he grinds his hips against mine, causing almost unbearable friction. He pulls away from the kiss and brings a hand up to my mouth. I've done enough research to know how it goes between to men, and so I take his fingers into my mouth, coating them with my saliva, licking and sucking at them individually. He never takes his eyes off of mine. He's always looking at me. He takes his fingers away, slowly, too slowly, trailing them down and resting them at my most vulnerable place. He kisses me, eyes open to watch my face, as he slips his first finger inside. I gasp, knowing what to expect, but still unprepared. He swallows my gasp, moving his finger a few times before slipping in a second. I moan. This is so much better than when I do this myself. Infinitesimally better. He slips in a third, scissoring all three, stretching me. Preparing me for something much larger. I whimper as he removes his fingers, not wanting the sensation to end. He eyes are still on mine.
"Are you ready?" I nod.
"I've been ready for a long time..." I blush, wincing as he pushes fully into me. A tear slips down my cheek, and Mello kisses it away, shushing me, comforting me. He gives me a few minutes to adjust to him being inside of me. I wiggle my hips, finally getting used to his size. I open my eyes, looking up into his. I can see the hard won restraint on his face. I pull him down, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Move.." I kiss him, parting my lips, easy access for him to dip his tongue in when he pulls out and slowly thrusts back into me. This is heaven.
Mello moves inside of me, keeping his mouth on mine, eyes boring into my own. Neither of us want to miss seeing every action and expression of the other tonight. I move my hips to meet with his, and I scream out as he hoists my hips up to create a deeper angle, hitting my prostate.
"Mello!" He smiles, now slamming into me, hitting my prostate with every thrust. I cry out, tears flowing freely from my open eyes. "Mel.. I'm s-so close.." His hips are pistoning in and out of me, driving me insane. My vision blacks out and I see stars as I scream out my release.
"MIHAEL!!!" My muscles tighten, bringing him over that last edge into bliss, releasing inside of me. He leans down, kissing me hard on the mouth. I kiss him back, and we both fall limply to the mattress, completely spent. I don't think as I breathe out what I'm thinking. "I love you..." It's almost impossible to hear, unless you're listening for it. I guess that Mello was listening for it, because he looks up from where he's lying half on top of me, half to the side.
"Really?" I blush. I hadn't meant for him to hear that. Too late to take it back now though.
"Really." He smiles, kissing my lips lightly.
"I love you too." My heart is soaring. Even while we were having sex, I didn't think I would ever hear those words leave his lips. I smile down at him, hugging him close to me. I now know the meaning of euphoria.