A/N: This is another one of those stories I wrote while I was high on life. If you follow logic, it actually makes a lot of sense. Demons are hard rockers. Ninjas rock hard. Naruto is the prison of an uber-demon. Naruto is a ninja. Hence...
Usually, we kick off these sorts of stories with a young Naruto returning from a sound thrashing by the villagers for being "Kyuubi Reincarnated" or whatever.
Well, true, he was being a jerk, being the bane of restaurants for his general penchant for committing Eat and Run on a regular basis, but then again, it was the people's fault for not giving him a regular and proper stipend to use, so it's a rather vicious cycle...
We're getting off topic here. The point of the matter is, once again, today, to kick off today's tale, the villagers went gung-ho on Naruto's 7-year-old butt, though for completely justifiable reasons.
This is what happened when he decided to turn into the wrong dead-end during his escape from the enraged restaurateurs.
Person With Many Aliases presents:
"Fox Metal"
A Horrific Vision of What Could Have Been
"Naruto" series property of Masashi Kishimoto
Naruto fell onto his arse, and backed away on the ground, until his back hit the wood fencing that spelt the end of the alley, and most likely him as well. The chefs and restaurant patrons closed in, brandishing various objects of much pain-giving.
"Damned demon brat! This is the last time you take our souffle!" One of them hollered angerily.
"C-come on! I can hardly pay for anything other than ramen-"
"No excuses! Evil brats like you should disappear from the face of the planet!"
The first fist began to fell on the hapless boy, who gave yelp, shutting his eyes and raising his arms in expectation of pain.
The alleyway exploded.
Well, not quite, but for most first time witnesses for the ripping of the space-time continuum, it certainly sounds like everything is blowing up, and bright lights don't exactly detract from that illusion either.
However, when everybody was done cowering in fear, and covering their faces with their arms, the irate villagers of Konoha were treated to a sight that nobody really understood, though the men certainly enjoyed.
A blue portal had opened up several feet above where Naruto was seated, and out of it, a rather voluptuous woman was practically pulling herself out of. Again, nobody understood how the act of coming out of a portal could be considered sexy, but she did it somehow.
When she was fully into the current fabric of reality, portal closing behind, generally everybody's jaws dropped at the sheer amount of red vinyl she was decked out in, and yet still managed to show that much more of her curvaceous, perfect figure.
And with her red witch hat with skull design emblazoned on, and her Dusenburg Starplayer TV safely floating behind her back, she said her first words.
"Now... where the hell am I now?"
Seeing that the woman was new in town, not withholding probably the entire dimension, Naruto quickly grabbed onto one of her red thigh-high platform boots, pleading.
"Miss! Ya gotta save me! Those guys wanna kill me!"
She looked down on the irritably for a second, before giving a choke of surprise and saying, much to the surprise of everyone present (as well as anyone familiar with her):
"Kyuu-chan!? Is that you!?"
That sent the villagers into an even more murderous rampage than before.
"AH! The demon child summoned another foul beast! Exorcise them both!"
The woman looked up from the boy and noticed the encroaching crowd. Sighing, she simply slung off her blue-green guitar.
"Don't push yourself too hard, Marlene." She cooed to her string instrument, before a single thrum sent the various raging civilians flying out of the alley in a flourish, along with a few arcs of lightning creeping about the walls, and some beads of light.
Naruto's jaw dropped again, "That-that was awesome-"
"C'mon Kyuu-chan, you got some explaining to do."
With that, the woman picked up Naruto by the back of his shirt and took to the roofs.
Naruto had a mouthful of a time trying understand the woman's question, much less answer them, when the two of them arrived at the dump that was "Kyuu-chan's" apartment flat.
"You could have at least told me you were going to retire, Kyuu-chan. But what's with the ugly disguise of yours? And that alias..."
"What are you talking about 'alias'? I'm not joking! I am Uzumaki Naruto!"
"Then why you give off her aura?" She snorted, arms folded around her hips, obviously skeptical.
"Her?"
"Kyuubi."
"What are you talking about? Kyuubi was killed by the Yondaime seven years ago!"
"Really..."
The woman rubbed her chin, wondering. Kyuu-chan and people like us don't die... but she isn't here... which leaves the most obviously conclusion...
"Oi, kid, which day was Kyuu-chan 'killed'?"
"October 10."
"What day's your birthday?"
"...October 10-"
The woman's guitar slammed down on his face. As Naruto fell to the ground unconscious, she hefted her guitar over her shoulder, snorting.
"Get outta there, Kyuubi!"
In moments, a red-headed phantasm clad in spike-studded and enchained heavy leather, a mini-skirt, and fishnet stockings, and followed by nine bushy red tails appeared.
"I'M ALIVE!"
"You bitch! You said we were going to do a duo at Madrid! And when I find you, you're sealed inside some punk kid?"
"Well, sorr-ee... some things happened... and I got attacked... and I fought back... and stuff..."
"You were attacked... Kyuu, what's the last thing you remember?"
"I was hunting for the Holy Grail with Saber... and when we got to the bridge of death, I was told that if I could win the hundred meter dash, I'd get a prize. I got second place, though, so I ended up being attacked by a bunch of flying red-ants that were screaming 'UFO BUSTAAA!' and then this giant toad came out of nowhere screaming "GENNAI! I SHALL CLAIM THE HIME STAR!", and then, and then, I was in a space battle against the Holy Cows of Castle Anthrax-
"Kyuu! Oh my god! Were you smoking something again?"
"...just a few joints of my Special Snoopy-"
"KYUU!"
"I'm sorry, okay?"
"Sorry!? You've been sealed for five years, when we're about to do our Madrid gig!? You can't even play like this!"
"Just make the kid play. You've got connections, right?"
"Ugh... fine. I'll figure something out."
When Naruto came to, it was night, and the woman was provocatively sprawled across his bed, playful smirk.
"Y-You! You hit me!"
"I bow to you, master of the obvious."
"Who are you anyways? And why you know so much about Kyuubi!? Are you a demon or something?"
"Beings like Kyuubi and me aren't human, and that's all. I want to make a deal with you, kid."
"Huh?"
"You get that sorta crap from these people everyday?"
Naruto's face soured, "Yeah..."
"How 'bout this. You stick with me, I'll teach you what it takes to be awesome like me. All I want in return is a job from you when the time is right."
"...That'd make you my sensei or something? Hey! You haven't even told me your name yet! And what sorta things you'd teach me?"
A triumphant sneer, she picked herself off the bed, hoisted the guitar into her grip, and stood proud.
"My name is I-no, brat, and what I'm going to teach you how to totally rock the FUCK OUT!"
With that, Uzumaki Naruto came into the fold of the demon gods of rock, who totally rocked the fuck out. Training by day as a ninja, during the night, Naruto inherited Kyuu-chan's legendary Fender Stratocasting Gibson Flying SGV and practiced shredding mad riffs with the other demon gods of rock alongside I-no and Kyuubi, like Lord Raptor, Akutare, Dominator, Dante, Sol Badguy, and Slash.
"You're getting good at shredding up some sound, boy, the next step then!"
"Eh?"
"Composing, composing!"
"...Isn't that complicated?"
"Not really. Just smoke some of this, drink some of this, and write down whatever you see so it rhymes."
(On a related note, Naruto's first song had opening lyrics that were something like "THE FLYING MONKEYS/ ARE AFTER ME/ BURN THE CUCUMBER/ MAKE LOTS OF LUMBER/ ROCK OOOOOOOONNNNNNNN".)
And so for the next five years, Naruto's skill slowly increased, only slightly noticed by his peers in terms of his darkening sense of orange, and the inclusion of a lot more black, leather, rings, and symbols painted onto his skin.
"I don't want piercings!"
"Don't whine, you have to have at least one on the lip or nose."
"Hell no!"
"Get o'er here you li'l-"
"AGH!"
Shortly after the entire class spent a good five minutes staring a fuming Naruto with a small silver ring looped about his left nostril, along with the earrings, the original fangirl camp for Sasuke found itself discovering the joys of civil war.
"But you have to admit, Naruto's hot! What with that rebellious thing!"
"No! Sasuke's cooler! He's got that cool aloof charm."
"But doesn't Naruto-sama have this really wild grin that makes your heart flutter?"
"Sasuke's cool gaze is definitely sexier!"
Well, Naruto didn't have to worry about lunch for a while, at least, seeing as about 17 different girls always brought some for him. And unlike Sasuke, he was more than happy to partake in the meal.
Somewhere behind some bushes, Kiba spied all this, and cried at the fact his badass meter was dropping.
Of course, because Naruto's studies were divided between sticking to walls and totally rocking the FUCK OUT, some of his basic skills were lacking, such as Bunshin. We know what happened at the year-end examinations.
"Fail."
"OBJECTION! I ROCK TOO HARD TO FAIL!"
"You can't object! YOU JUST FAIL!"
Then there was that whole thing about Mizuki telling him that stealing that scroll equated to passing, and all that hullabaloo that followed.
"Naruto! You're the demon who destroyed Konoha!"
"What else is new?"
"EH?!"
Naruto stuck a thumb right down the middle of his head, grinning, "I already knew that since I was seven! But I don't like how yer picking on Iruka-sensei like that! Therefore, I, Uzumaki Naruto, future Demon God of Rock of Konoha, swear to totally lay the rock down on your ass with my new technique! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
The Narutos that filled the trees around Mizuki unleashed their guitars in unison.
"CAN YOU DIG IT!?" One of them screamed at the top of his lungs. The crowd went wild.
"THEN LET'S GET BUSY!"
Five minutes after the forest stopped rattling in its own roots, the ANBU arrived to find Mizuki lying on his side, nose bleeding, and mouth frothing.
Needless to say, Naruto probably scared Iruka into giving up his headband. It was gladly added to the increasing number of metal trinkets that Naruto attached to his leather jacket. Good times, good times.
Needless to say, Haruno Sakura felt like the queen of the universe when she found out she was teaming up with both Sasuke and Naruto.
"My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I like Ramen, what I dislike are those shitty mixers... you know, the kinds where its all gummy and even if you take your foot off its still stuck there... and my dream for the future? To totally rock the FUCK OUT of Konoha!"
Kakashi was lucky he was already keeping track of Uzumaki's growth, otherwise he'd just sigh, and that did not do for his image.
Of course, Naruto totally rocking the FUCK OUT, did not teach him any faster about teamwork, so suffice to say, the three of them completely failed at the besting Kakashi at taking his bells back. You can't be perfect in everything.
"Say, Sasuke?"
"What you want, Dead Last?"
"Hmm... Dead Last... Last Dead...? Whatever, Sasuke, you practice a lot of handseals, right?"
"Of course. Unlike you."
"So you're pretty good with you fingers, right?"
"...I'd suppose."
"Cool! If I ever make a band, I want you to be my second guitar!"
"...what?"
"Seriously!"
Sasuke, of course, was skeptical about such a career path. Of course, he had second thoughts when he found Naruto laying the Rock Down on Haku on their first mission.
As the last of the Demonic Ice Mirrors fell away to leave a spasming mess, Naruto threw out his index and pink away from the neck of his guitar.
"HELL YEAH! Take that you herb-collecting fairy! Cut away your heart and emotions all you want, but if you put all your soul and passion into the art of totally rocking the FUCK OUT, nothing can stand up against the future DEMON GOD OF ROCK! SWEAR ALLEGIENCE TO ME, GROUPIE!"
"Uncle... uncle..." Was all Haku could say before he lost consciousness.
Zabuza? Yeah, he valiantly died against Gatou. Or something.
A month or two later, Naruto was overjoyed to test his hard rocking skillz against other ninjas in the Chuunin Exams.
When it came to his turn against Kiba, the battle was surprisingly one-sided. The Inuzuka probably never truly recovered from seeing Naruto rise to stardom. Thus, when Naruto totally jammed out on his guitar:
"BREAKING THE LAW-BREAKING THE LAW! BREAKING THE LAW-BREAKING THE LAW!"
"Stop! I give up!"
And Kiba curled up into a little ball a wept. Ino may or may not have converted to Narutoism, I forgot to ask.
Of course, Neji was a bit tougher. Hyuugas by nature were pretty starchy and puritan, so they have some pretty good mental defenses against getting mentally Rock Down'd.
"I'm a hundred times more powerful than the Inuzuka! Your stupid noises have no effect against a Hyuuga!"
"Shut up! I'm going to beat your ass down for what you did to Hinata!"
"And why you care so much about her?"
"Because you're jealous that Hinata gets to get away with having posters of me in my room and being able to totally rock the FUCK OUT, while you gotta play the starchy guy, when you know in your heart, you wanna rock out too!"
"L-Lies!"
"You know you wanna rebel! Come on Neji! You're being a total square, living inside your preset definitions of what a genius and what's not! My music is totally about breaking free and being true to yourself! ROCK ON!"
"AGH!"
Neji charged forward. Of course, he already lost his cool, because we all know that Naruto's right.
The Hyuuga genius got beaned in the face by a Fender Stratocasting Gibson Flying SGV. Hiashi wept. Hanabi, I know, converted to Narutoism at this point.
The battle against Gaara, to say the least, was monumental. Naruto realized that Gaara was the same as he, right down to the bone, and so the words left his mouth before he even knew it.
"SHUKAKU! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A ROCK-OFF!"
The half-possessed and crazed insomniac of course didn't truly get it, but the demon-side of him cursed.
"DAMN IT! AS A DEMON, I CANNOT REFUSE! NAME YOUR CONDITIONS!"
"If I win, you leave Konoha!"
"AND IF I WIN..."
"Uh..."
"WELL!?"
"Sakura can be your bitch?"
"WHAT?!"
"AGREED! THE ROCK-OFF SHALL BEGIN!"
A giant raccoon made of sand appeared, with a huge bass-guitar made of sand in its hands. Likewise, millions of kage bunshins of Naruto did a mass simultaneous transformation into a huge guitar of its own.
The "Shukaku vs Kyuubi, Round 2" became something of a legend for spirit world, in years to come. Some said that the battle shook both earth and sky, and the kicking tunes rocked all the way to Soul Society.
Needless to say, Zaraki Kenpachi was pleased.
Anyways, back to Gaara, who lay defeated on the ground. Naruto hummed in interest.
"You know, if I ever start a band, I definitely would want you to be my bass."
"I...I'll..."
"Ah! Don't need to be so modest! Who knows, maybe we can become demon gods of rock together and totally rock the FUCK OUT!"
Some more stuff happened, Sasuke had a surprise visit from his brother, which was so surprising, Sasuke was sent into a coma. So Naruto went and totally rocked the FUCK OUT of Tsunade, the beauty of his kicking tunes inspiring, with a tear, to get the woman back to Konoha and heal his future second guitarist.
More stuff happened, honestly. When your an emerging demon god of rock, your childhood tends to go by really fast.
Naruto's fame suddenly came under a direct attack when an opposing band, the Sound Four came in revenge for their three defeated minions from the Chuunin Exam, and tried to lure Sasuke away from his true path with the idea that somehow joining Orochimaru would give him powers that would be equal to Naruto's totally rocking the FUCK OUT.
"What sort of powers?" Sasuke snorted.
"What powers you ask? How about the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That's levitation, Holmes. How about the power to kill a Yak from two hundred yards away... with MIND BULLETS! That's telekinesis, Kyle! How about the power... to move you?"
Naturally, in response, Naruto quickly gathered some teammates (coughgroupiescough) and pursued the evil musicians. They fell one by one, even when the summoned their formerly retired member, Kimmimaro. But Naruto, his kicking tunes, and the powers of his teammates defeated them.
Except Tayuya. Among them all, she was the only true musician. Though she originally had talent, she had long since fallen with the mediocre ways of Sound Village, which mass-produces quick, shoddy ninjas that played to the trends of the time. Obviously, she was quite disgruntled, and was almost on the brink of losing what left of her innate skill left, when she was blessed by the sight of budding demon god of rock Naruto, who proved to her that true talent could still thrive in this world.
"Tayuya! You have a great sense of pacing and technique! You should be my synths!"
"Naruto! Take me with you! I can't stand being in this bullshit anymore!"
Yes, Tayuya joined the side of good. Which is actually debatable, since we are talking about demon gods of rock, right?
Anyways, over to the Valley of the End, where Sasuke was ready to make his jump to the dark side of the music industry.
"Sasuke! Don't! We're best friends, right?"
"Fool! I need more POWAH!"
"Why don't you just join my band?"
"Can it kill Itachi?"
"Hell if I know, but if practicing hard enough gets you the power to blow holes in rock, and still sound good, it'd a damned stupid idea not to try! Come on! I still need a second guitarist!"
"Well..."
"Plus, it'd really improve your image. Sakura would go nuts!"
"...Fine."
And thus the demon god of rock's band was slowly coming together, though most of their ways were still separate, and still very stuck in the traditional concepts of ninja-dom. I-no was also not very pleased by her substitute member's progress.
"You piece of shit! I need you ready for Madrid! That does it! Drop you ninja shit and come with me! I'm taking you a crash course on how to really rock the FUCK OUT!"
"How long would this take?"
"Hell if I know! Three years maybe?"
And so Naruto went on his pilgrimage across dimensions and worlds and... lots of other places, learning how to get women crazy over him, how to rock hard enough to be lighter than air, and thus float, and etcetera, and he continued to learn from the other demon gods of rock, like great goddess Nagato Yuki, who did some crazy tunes "from time to time", Basara Nekki, who rocked so hard he had to he had to control his guitar from a giant robot, and Hotblack Desiato, member of Disaster Area, renowned loudest rock band in the universe, and in fact loudest sound of any kind, anywhere.
But all things had to end, when Naruto heard some people had abducted his future bass-player, intent on extracting his demon, and thus, his pure talent.
Luckily, Sai was not present in this story, as Sasuke was still in Konoha. Damn mid-riff wearing bastard.
Anyways, Naruto came in on Deidara and Sasori. Then something totally amazing happened.
"Fool, you call those firecrackers of yours 'art'? Art is something long lasting, surviving, eternal."
"Ha! True art is what one feels in an instant, the moment when the emotion was real before it all burned away! That instant of truth!"
Naruto scratched his head.
"I dunno. I figured art was something everyone could feel. I mean, a guy may like something that is instantaneous, and a guy might like something eternal, but if you can do it so that everyone can agree that it was kickin', that's art."
"Oh, wise guy? Everyone can feel the same thing and still not be art! You can have everyone feel disgust at the same moment, right?"
"But isn't that art in itself? To be able to recreate that feeling, whether it's beauty or horror, and have everyone understand it..."
"Something that is universal is eternal. You're saying the same thing as me. If something can be always felt, then it can endure the test of time, and hence become art. Art is long lasting."
"Uh-uh, Sasori-danna, people's feeling on something might change over time, thus the original meaning of the work can be lost, and even if the work is eternal, it may not be appreciated as art anymore. That's why I think art should be only something for the moment. The thing that people felt at that moment."
"That's too trendy! I don't like it..."
And so the three of them argued on the nature of art for quite a while, and though they didn't really get anywhere, Sasori and Deidara were so pleased by the insightful words of Naruto, that they decided if they took the talent away from Naruto's bassist friend, it would hamper his pursuit of the truth of art, so they let Gaara go, and the three of them vowed to have coffee again some day.
Anyways, stuff happened, and true to Naruto's words, Sasuke, Gaara, and Tayuya also learned how to totally rock the FUCK OUT, which, combined with their ninja skills, made them something to behold, and that's some real ultimate power for you.
Anyways, the time eventually came night to declare total war on Sound Village, because they were a bunch of lame posers that didn't know good kicking tunes if it... kicked them in the face. To cut a long story short, Orochimaru got owned. Incredibly.
Still, despite all their well adventures everywhere, Naruto and his buddies lacked a drummer.
"I guess we shouldn't have killed that spider-guy in Sound Four, huh, Tayuya?"
"Screw him. He didn't know music anyways."
Neji, now in black and dreadlocks, did however. And thus, the band was complete, and most everyone was happy.
Eventually, Naruto learned many more powers that came with being able to totally rock the FUCK OUT, like passing through the barriers of the dimensions. With this, he realized it was time.
"Guys, we're going to Madrid!"
With that, Naruto and all his buddies reached enlightenment and traveled to countless worlds, and simultaneously achieved demon god of rock-hood, cumulatively under the band name "Last Dead".
They proceeded to rock the Universe.
It is prophesied that when Last Dead has a Rock Off with Midnight Carnival, with Ozzy Osborne as judge, all the souls of rock bands past and present will band together in the final showdown that will decide the musical future of past, present and future.
Meanwhile, Hinata, being Naruto's number one fan, though never dreaming she would actually approach that veritable god, still attracted Naruto's attention. They got along just fine, and Hinata realized that even though Naruto was totally rocked the FUCK OUT, he was still lonely. They quickly fell in love, and Hinata gained enough rebelliousness to run off and elope with Naruto.
As Hiashi wept, Hinata and Naruto went off and spawned an entire race of awesomeness, whose descendants included Miyazaki Nodoka and Ayanami Rei. You can tell by how they take after their mother ancestor in the blue hair, propensity to wear such hair short, and general timidness and quiet nature that squeals "Cute" (or "Moe", if I knew exactly how that word worked. I asked Haruhi once, and it didn't help). Rei also proves this, since she achieved godhood like her ancestor before her, but alas, neither of the two took advantage of their talents to totally rock the FUCK OUT. Where the red eyes came from, I assume they got it from Naruto's general foxiness.
Jeremy Colt's face was straight as he watched Person With Many Aliases finish his tale.
"...And this is why you think I-no is in Madrid."
"It's a reasonable explanation! If I-no were in Athens like she usually is, then I'd understand, because her buddy Justine lives there. But why go to Madrid all of a sudden?"
"Person. Just shut up."
Suzumiya Haruhi elbowed Colt, and shushed him, "Tell me more, Person!"
And as the Author resumed his tale, Colt just snorted and decided to go back to his iPod and listen to some more songs by Last Dead.
END
A/N: To reiterate, I was high on life when I wrote this.