Special thanks to Alexis(KellylovesDylan) for her help and support.
Part
one. "Brenda" Worse
than a hangover.
London.
Early
morning, small pub in Dockland, Dylan is sitting at the table near
the window. He look miserable and tired, he is drinking coffee and
feels envy for the dead fish which was served to a gentl(e)man at the
table in the corner. Dylan would prefer to be as much dead as that
fish rather having breakfast with Brenda. Brenda is drinking morning
beer instead of a morning coffee (it is her new British habit to fit
in here) and using her false British accent asking Dylan to lend her
some money to buy a pack of cigarettes. She is such a good actress
that for the last 6 month she is waiting for the perfect role and
will not accept small parts in any play; that is why she is out of
money.
He opens his wallet and put couple of banknotes on the
table, he make a wish that there will be no cigarettes in the nearest
shop so he can have some time on his own, just to sit and to think in
peace and quite. Brenda took the money and give him a little cheek
kiss before she run away. Dylan felt so sorry about himself, that he
ignored the sad look of a gentlemen, who shook his head while he was
watching them two together.
What a hell am I doing here?-Dylan
thought.- How did I get here? What happened to me? What happened to
Brenda? What happened to us? To us? – he stopped himself in the
middle.- There is no us since high school. Looking back through the
years I hardly see "us" ever. There is only Brenda and everything
about her. She was beautiful, oh yes she was. I just could not walk
out on her in high school. I thought that she is different from other
girls in Beverly Hills, because she had a perfect family. I thought
her soul should be as beautiful as her face and her body. I was
wrong. It took too much time for me to realize that, but I was young
and naïve, I so desperately wanted to have a family that I was
blind. But what brings me back to her now? Why am I here? Because I
am an egoist. I feel guilty, because I am happy to be alive, because
I am in need to live a full normal life, but a woman whom I really
loved is dead, my wife is dead because of me. So I ran from Beverly
Hills, to a woman who will take me even if I do not love her, just
because I am Dylan McKay and I am the bastard who is using her even
if she is my best friend's sister.
Brenda returned and
started to smoke.
-Hey stranger, did you missed me?
- Brenda?
Why did you buy these cigarettes? They smell like a dead cat. I
thought I gave you enough money to buy something that will kill you
without such a horrible smell.
- McKay you are so boring.
Everybody from theatres elite smoke these. You should go with me next
time to a party so you can see how people live here.
-No thanks. I
prefer to spend my time for my own pleasures; I am not a clown for
your new friends.
Brenda ordered another glass of beer and looked
at the young men in front of her. Sometimes she hated him with all
her soul, but he was so hot that every girl in London wanted him and
she was so proud of herself that she was the one who lives with him.
Of course she knew that she is not the one who wakes up near him, he
had cheated on her many times, but he always returns to her….at
least she was sure that he always returns and will return to her.
So
what do I have here? Stubborn, boring, loner but he is rich, he is
good lover, he is hot and he is in love with me. I just need some
patience because he is in one of his moods this morning. It will soon
pass and we will live our life as we did before.
- As you wish,
honey. I was just checking.
- As usual, Bren.
Dylan made
himself smile to the lady in front of him.
Damn this morning is
worse than a hangover.
It
is better to be alone…for you….for me…for everyone
London.
2.30
A.M. Apartment. Balcony with a view on a Hide Park.
Dylan stood at
the balcony with a bottle of Jamaica rum in his hand. He has already
drunk more than half of it, but he was not even close to being as
dunk as he wished to be. He stood there, and watched the sleeping
city feeling nothing but emptiness. There is something wrong. He
thought. Ok everything is wrong. Why can't I feel anything?
Something? With Brenda? With anyone? It seems that I am already dead
inside. I have been dead since the moment when Antonia left me. I
move, I drink, I eat, I speak, I am having sex with a woman, but
still I feel NOTHING! And it scares me. I thought that if I returned
to Brenda her love will heal me. She was my first love…no, Dylan
stop lying to yourself, she was not your first love, she was your
first long term relationship with addiction. And you thought that if
you once were addicted to her, than she could wake up your passion
to…to…passion to what? Passion to live a full life? Hey, I've
never lost it. My passion to women? Well I guess I never lost it too.
So why am I here? I am here because I love Europe, I love London. But
why am I here with her? Why am I hurting her? Because I am afraid to
live my life, I am afraid to move on. I am afraid that if I feel
something with anyone again it will hurts, because every time I fall
in love I lose them .I've lost my father, I lost Kelly to Brandon,
I lost Antonia to stupid revenge. But it is my problem, why should
Bren suffer just because I am such a loser? She is the only one alive
who loves me and i am acting like a selfish jerk….no I cannot do it
anymore. I should leave as soon as possible, it will be better for
her…for me…for everyone. Dylan left the rum bottle at the balcony
and went to the living room. He knew that Brenda would not let him to
return to bed, she hated when he leaves the bedroom just after sex
(he could not call what they did as "making love" ,actually he
never even tried to do it). So he got his sleep on the sofa,
wondering where he will go next.
They were having breakfast in
silence.
Brenda was not angry, not even as sad as Dylan thought
she should be. She was furious. When he apologized to her for
everything he had done and said that she will find someone much
better than he is. Someone who will love her and take a good care of
her, Brenda started to scream at him. She was yelling about Kelly,
about Stacy and Emily (Dylan hardly remembered who Emily was, but who
is Stacy? and why Brenda is so mad because of her. He still could not
understand or remember),then suddenly she became quite.
- Damn
you McKay. You will return, as usual, but I am not sure that I will
be available next time.
Damn you McKay. You know, I cannot leave
London right now so I cannot ask you to take me with you on the trip.
And all that bull about you do not love me as much as I deserve,
that it will be better for me if you leave…you are so funny. I know
that you will return as usual, but next time it won't be so easy to
get me.-Brenda tried not to smile. She decided to be quiet and to not
fight with Dylan. She was pretty sure that his trip is just a hunger
for adventure, one of his moods, and it will soon pass as usual and
he will return, because as she thought there is no one better for him
than she is, and that is why he is a little afraid and acts like
this.
- You want some hard things in your life? You'll get them,
I promise. Thank God you believed me when I lied about Kelly and
Brandon are still together, and even took a flight to Hong Kong to
meet our parents, so you won't go back to Beverly, you are too
proud and to scared to do it. So go you "love machine" get some
new adventures and come back home. I love the moments when you feel
guilty after your little affairs. Next time I will use it for my
purpose. I love how it sounds Mrs. Brenda McKay.
-Have a good life
Bren. I hope one day you could forgive me.
Dylan took his bags and
went out of the apartment. He did not look back. He was going to find
extremes in his life; he wanted to take a challenge. There were two
opportunities in his future. First: he will find a way how to get his
life and his feelings back. Second: he will find his death. Both of
them were good enough for him.