Warning: Rated M for explicit sexual content. Adult audiences only. AU and HEA.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. In fact, what single men actually seek is an exceedingly good lay.
However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters.
"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?"
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.
"But it is," returned she; "for Mrs. Long has just been there checking out the new tenant and his package, and she told me all about it. He fills out his breeches like he's been poured into them, according to her careful estimations."
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
"Do you want to know who has taken it, and how well-endowed he might be?" cried his wife impatiently.
"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it." This was invitation enough.
"Why, my dear, you must know, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune from the north of England; that he either stuffs his codpiece with a sock or he is indeed hung like a proverbial horse; that he came down on Monday in a chaise and four to see the place, and was so delighted with it, that he agreed with Mr. Morris immediately; that he is to take possession before Michaelmas, and some of his servants are to be in the house by the end of next week."
"I have long wondered, dear wife, when the dickens is Michaelmas?"
"What? I wouldn't have a sodding clue. Now, can we please return to the subject at hand?"
"Right. What is his name?"
"Bingley."
"Is he married or single?"
"Oh! Single, my dear, to be sure! A single man of large schlong and even larger fortune; four or five hundred thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!"
"How so? How can it affect them? Has he propositioned one of them?"
"My dear Mr. Bennet," replied his wife, "how can you be so thick! It is my hope that he will engage in a private tryst with at least one of them, and that it will be so satisfying for him that he'll have no choice but to propose immediately. I have no doubt my girls are more than up to the task of pleasuring him in all manner of foreplay – it's what I've been training and grooming them for all along, as you well know. And their skills are coming along nicely. Very nicely indeed. You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them."
"Is that his design in settling here?"
"Design! Nonsense, how can you talk so! You of all people should know it is every man's design to bed as many women as he is physically able to, and in every position imaginable. But it is very likely that he may fall in love with one of them, if they can pleasure him just so, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes."
"I see no occasion for that. It's not me he'll want to have sex with. You and the girls may go, or you may send them by themselves, which perhaps will be still better, for as you are as handsome as any of them, Mr. Bingley may like you the best of the party."
"My dear, you flatter me. I certainly have had my share of dalliances, but I do not pretend to be anything extraordinary now. When a woman has five grown-up
daughters, she ought to give over thinking of her own beauty."
"At least in some circles, dear. I'm well aware you put your keys in the bowl down at the Horse and Hound last Thursday. Sir Johnson couldn't stop talking about the hand job you delivered him."
"But, my dear, that was the night your vigour tonic wouldn't kick in. I needed entertainment. In any case, you must indeed go and see Mr. Bingley when he comes into the neighbourhood."
"It is more than I engage for, I assure you."
"But consider your daughters. Only think what an establishment it would be for one of them. Sir William and Lady Lucas are determined to go and offer their daughters for a three-way, merely on that account, for in general, you know, they visit no new-comers.
new-comers. Indeed, you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him if you do not."
"You are over-scrupulous, surely. I dare say Mr. Bingley will be very glad to see you; and I will send a few lines by you to assure him of my hearty consent to his sampling in any way he desires whichever he chooses of the girls; though I must throw in a good word for my little Lizzy."
"I desire you will do no such thing. Lizzy is not a bit better than the others; and I am sure she is not half so big-breasted as Jane, nor as skilled in the fellatio arts as our precocious Lydia. But you are always giving her the preference."
"They have none of them much to recommend them," replied he; "they are all silly and ignorant like other girls; but Lizzy has something more of a quiet feistiness than her sisters."
"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves."
"You mistake me, my dear. I have high respect for your nerves, not to mention other parts of you. They are my old friends. One being somewhat the operative word, it must be said. I have heard you mention them with consideration these last twenty years at least."
"Ah, you do not know what I suffer."
"But I hope you will get over it, and live to see many young men of large cock and four hundred thousand a year come into the neighbourhood."
"It will be no use to us, if twenty such should come, since you will not visit them."
"Depend on it, my dear, that when there are twenty, I will visit them all."
Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, caprice, and quiet yet virtually continuous promiscuity, that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous. The business of her life was to equip her daughters with enough sexual prowess so that men would be overcome by the combined sensuality and skill of the foreplay they delivered, thereby enticing the rich bachelors into matrimony; the girls would therefore able to liberally indulge their mother financially well into old age; its solace was visiting and news. Mr. Bennet did not overthink any of the above, as long as his diddle was fiddled thrice weekly. If perchance his wife neglected to do so – a state of affairs which was not only a given but also preferable to both of them – he was more than agreeable to relieving his needs down at the local bordello, where the nubile nymphs pocketed a small fortune in coinage.