Title: Pain
Author: Mika Chan 55
Warnings: angst, slight abuse, self hurt
Summary: A lover breaks it off, the other is in pain (title, go figure).
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I stared out of the window, my eyes unfocused making everything blurry. My hand was raised up and I made it cup my still stinging left cheek where my lover...no, ex-lover now had slapped me before leaving our room.
God it hurts.
The fight that just happened...can I really call it a fight? It wasn't clear as to what exactly happened except for the fact that we argued, the slap that landed on my cheek, him leaving the room and my poor heart breaking a bit as the door slammed shut behind him.
It hurt so much.
I sighed and leaned my head against the cool glass and continued to stare out the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of him returning to the dorm...for what? To apologize? To hit me more? To state that he was moving to a different room?
I never noticed when I drifted off to sleep, my heart in pain.
-----
I
jerked my head away from the window just in time to be missed by a
flying book. I was
vaguely
glad that the window didn't break. I turned my head to face the
interior of the room as the book landed with a dull thud onto the
carpet, did I make that sound when I hit the floor yesterday?
There he was, standing in the middle of the room and dressed in the school uniform, "Get up, you're going to be late,"
I opened my mouth to respond but the cold stare he sent me froze the words in my throat. He turned quickly and headed out of the room, the door shutting loudly. My heart broke a bit further.
When will it stop hurting?
I stood slowly and got changed, vaguely noting that he was right, I was going to be late if I didn't hurry. I slipped on the clothes needed for the school uniform mechanically, my mind in a pleasant silence. It would be hard to pretend that nothing was wrong.
Why bother going?
The thought struck my hard and I paused before opening up the door and heading out of the room for class. I shook out the idea and headed out of the room. I quickly tried to reassemble my mask as I headed down the hallway, no one must know what's going on. I settled behind my quickly made mask and headed toward the classrooms in a quick jog.
Why won't the pain stop?
-----
I
head toward the dorms, trying not to be seen or see the others. I've
been quietly
ignoring
them all day. Out of all the students and teachers here only the
other pilots can tell when something is wrong with me.
Someone shouted out a warning, but I never had time to avoid getting hit by a baseball to the back of the head. Stars exploded before my eyes and I fell to my knees, trying to bring my vision back to normal.
"Hey are you OK?" A soft voice asked and I looked up, it was Quatre, damn.
"I'm fine," I struggled to my feet, Quatre waved his hands toward the students where the ball had come from to let them know I was alright.
"Do you want help?" Quatre asked as he steadied me. I shook my head no, "Are you sure?"
I then noticed Trowa standing there, waiting for Quatre, "I'm fine. You go and have fun with Trowa,"
Quatre hesitated a moment longer before heading off with Trowa towards town. I gathered my stuff and was about to head off when a conversation drifted towards my ears, freezing me in place.
"Why
don't you say you're sorry?"
"I
don't need to,"
"You
and him are always walking together. I thought you two were
friends,"
I
turned my head slightly and focused on the pair that was talking. It
was Him and some
other
kid. As if feeling my gaze he shifted slightly and we made eye
contact, he smirked slightly before answering the kid, "You
thought wrong..."
I turned my head back and headed to the dorm, my head now feeling fine.
The pain in my chest though, increased.
-----
The dim room was lit only by the setting sun. I was sitting on my bed, razor blade in hand as I stared at my left arm.
It would be so easy, just swipe the blade down my arm, He never comes back into the room till late, and then in the morning He would finally find my dead body.
Would he even care?
I sighed and settled the blade at the crook of my elbow and lightly brought it down half way to the wrist. The sharp blade cut my skin easily and I watched, detached, as the blood trickled out of the shallow cut. I was about to place the blade back but a knock on the door before it opened stopped me.
The
blade went flying somewhere towards the closet and I brought down the
sleeve of the
uniform
to cover the recently made cut. I lay down and turned toward the door
just as the person looked in. It was Wufei, I sighed and sat up to
face him.
"Quatre
wants to know if you would like to go out to dinner with the rest of
us," Wufei
asked
and flicked on the light in the room. I sighed and thought silently
for a bit then shrugged, why not.
"Sure, when are we leaving?"
"In
about two hours. We're meeting at the entrance, if you're even a
minute late we're
leaving
without you," He left the room with that statement and I
realized that he was giving me a chance to get out of going.
I stood up and headed to the bathroom, just in time to hear the door open and He walked in.
I stripped of my clothes and turned on the shower as I stepped in. I finished and dried off, noting that the cut had stopped bleeding. I wrapped a towel around me and stepped into the room.
He brushed past me without a word and I quickly got changed into jeans and a long sleeve shirt that I'd got when we went shopping two weeks ago. Perfect to hid the cut I had just inflicted upon myself.
I headed toward the general place I had thrown the razor blade. There it was, lying in a pile of my dirty clothes. I picked it up and stared at the blood still staining it. I rolled up my sleeve again and ran over the recent cut, but this time deeper.
I was about to do it again but the door of the bathroom started to open and I quickly tossed it to the bottom of the garbage can and rolled down my sleeve of the shirt. I headed out of the room and walked down the hallway, just barely hearing Him comment.
"Good, that bastard isn't here,"
My heart once again seemed to break even further and the pain intense.
Is he doing this on purpose? Does he know what he is doing to me? Does he enjoy it? Leaving me weak and vulnerable?
Did he even love me?
-----
We walked toward the restaurant that we were going to be eating dinner tonight. I barely even joined in the conversations, all I ever did was either grunt or move my head. We finished the food and Quatre suggested that we go see a movie.
I declined, said I wasn't feeling well and wanted to lie down.
It
was lame, even to me, but thankfully they let it pass and said there
goodnights' and
goodbyes'.
Everyone accepted for Him that is.
I
left the restaurant and headed back to the school, trying to think
about anything, anyone, besides HIM. I started to cross the street,
my head bowed down a bit
as
I walked.
I never heard the car coming.
I did however, felt the intense pain that finally override the pain in my heart.
-----
Someone's calling me.
I can hear them, they're crying.
I struggle to consciousness, trying to hear who was crying.
My body jerks painfully and someone starts shouting.
Someone is holding my hand.
I hurt all over.
The person is there, calling me, telling me not to leave.
I
freeze. The voice, sounds familiar, is it Him? No it can't be, He
hates me. We're no
longer
friends, he said so himself.
There it is again, my body jerks and almost falls off whatever I'm on, the hand tightens its hold to stop my body from falling.
My eyes open a slit and barely recognize the inside of an ambulance.
The
crying catches my attention and I try to turn my head, but it won't
move. I try to
move,
but I'm strapped down. The hand is still holding mine, the pain
starts pulling back to darkness and I weakly tighten my hold on the
hand.
I fall back into darkness, but not before I see those beautiful eyes come before my dimming vision.
The pain is not so bad now.
-----
I
wake up in a hospital and turn my head to see my ex...no, my lover?
Arguing with the
others.
He doesn't want to leave, even if it's to change his bloodied
clothes. Was he with me the whole time?
I call out his name weakly, surprising them all. He turns around and gives me a surprised look before it transformed into a smile.
The pain lessens.
The others quietly leave, giving us some time to be alone and talk. I'm tired though; I don't know how long I'll be up.
He
comes up and sits in the seat and grabs my hand. He starts to
apologize, for everything, the fight I don't remember what was about,
acting so mean towards me, saying those bad things and saying he was
so scared when he saw me on the road in a
bloodied
mess.
I whisper his name silently and he stops mid-word, "I forgive you,"
"Go-Gomen," He stuttered weakly, he bowed his head and brought my hand up to his head. I ignored the slight pain that was caused by the movement, letting keep me awake a bit longer.
I whispered his name again and he looked at me with wide eyes, and I smiled as much as my mouth would let me.
"I love you," I whispered silently.
"I know you do, love," He grinned, "I love you too Hee-chan,"
"Duo...my Duo..."
I smiled weakly as he coaxed me to rest, and I let the darkness overcome my senses.
The pain in my heart, gone.
The End
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