Sai stood up from the stool in the middle of his apartment. He looked down at the painting that was drying on the canvas; it was of a jagged, yet breath-taking landscape the team had transcended across during the last mission. Some parts he had to reimagine, but he did like it.
The team on that mission had consisted of Naruto, Sakura, Yamato and himself.
Naruto had been complaining about the simplicity of the mission, refused to even try and appreciate the beauty of the surrounding landscape, and spent most of the mission sulking.
Sakura had been angry at Naruto for some reason unknown to Sai. He had assumed they had an argument prior to the mission, and Naruto sulky and stroppiness continued to keep her in a bad mood.
Yamato was clearly somewhere else mentally; he constantly kept drifting off and losing focus on the task in hand. Sai noted this was out of character (and bad form for an ANBU), asked if he were okay and got a snappy response and no explanation to the captains absent mindedness. He didn't know anything of the man's personal life, and thought it best to stay that way.
Sai was there for the only level headed person on that mission. He had to go over each plan the others came up with, and replace it with a more reasonable one. The 'team' certainly were not cooperating well with each other on this mission.
'Am I annoyed at them?' Maybe. They were defiantly frustrating. So much so that when given the choice of, break through the full length window, and climb a few flights of stairs to the roof and escape an attack via ink bird; kicking the glass window in seemed more appealing.
However, upon his reunion with the medic, he doubted if he had made the right choice when he found he had a large glass shard in the ankle, and wound need 8 stiches. Lucky for him, it didn't hit a major artery, and he would just have a long scar up his left ankle, and lose most feeling in his little toe.
He picked up the brushes from the water pot on the floor next to the easel and took them over to the sink to wash.
Sai felt a chill run over his skin and turned to the window. The early December wind howled around his apartment. The weather was grim. It was dark, sleeting, and the streets were covered in ice.
He moved over to close it and heard the chorus of the Friday night drunks who were staggering and sliding home after an evening with their friends.
Sai recalled Sakura mentioning that she was going to stay with Ino at her house that evening, as Ino's parents were going away for the weekend. He remembered last time they had gone away, Ino had hosted a impromptu party, and invited everyone she knew and told them all to bring alcohol (if they could get hold of any). He figured she wouldn't find it too hard obtaining any, as some of the cheaper off licenses would serve you as soon as you had either the tiniest hint of stubble or breasts.
It wasn't a particularly good party. Sai had felt uncomfortable and out of place for the near duration of it. He spent the first part by Naruto's side (who convinced him into drinking), and then the second part in the garden with Shikamaru (who had been told there was no smoking in the house), on his hands and knees feeling incredibly nauseous and didn't quite manage to hold onto his dinner.
He slammed the window shut. His forehead fell against the cold glass and his breath fogged it up.
Naruto would be at home in bed by now. He had mentioned that one of his old teachers owed him dinner. Izumo was it? No- Iruka, that was it.
Sai chewed on his lip.
'No one really wants to socialise with me'. He had figured the only reason people invited him out was because he was Sasukes replacement. Ino certainly only did for that reason. Naruto and Sakura now considered him a friend, but would still be reluctant to take him out. At that party, he had felt that Shikamaru understood he wasn't just a copy of Sasuke, and that they were friends (despite the fact Sai had bummed half a pack of cigarettes off him and later vomited on his shoes).
Sai moved back to the paintbrushes sitting in the sink. After taking a good luck at them he gave up. They were getting old and needed replacing, much the same as the brushes he used in battle.
He quickly did some maths in his head, the brushes would cost quite a bit for the quality. Well the good thing about being unpopular is that you didn't often spend much on going out with friends, so in retrospect, it was useful.
With a sigh he rubbed his temples. Moved over to the door to where his jacket was hung up. He searched the interior pockets for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.
He heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He stopped looking and reached for a kunai (which was hidden down the side of the cushions of the sofa). The other person living at the top of the building was a obscurely fit, healthy and yet nearly completely deaf 80 year old man. But he wasn't going to be coming up the stairs at half one in the morning. He listened to the footsteps, they were assending slowly, and the footing sounded unstable
They knocked on the door. "Saiiii" The voice purred.
He opened the door to see his sempai leaning against the frame with a drunken blush in the very small visible part of his cheek.
"Yo" He waved.
"Sempai? What-"
"Mind if I come in?" He slipped past Sai politely.
"What are you doing here, Sempai?"
Kakashi staggered over to the sofa, put a hand on the back of it to keep himself upright.
"Sai- do please drop the honorific- and erm" He gathered his thoughts "Do you mind if I crash on your sofa? See, I was out, with Izumo and Kotetsu, not that you know them, anyway Izumo was trying to flirt with the girls in this bar, while I was trying to talk to him. And well, they left and went off skirt chasing- leaving me with the bill. Anyway, I thought it best- to erm- finish our drinks and then I got the barkeep to put it on Izumo's tab." Kakashi sat on the arm of the chair and used excessive hand gestures with his story "Now, as you know, I'm a very, very good ninja. Normally trying to walk on ice- not a problem! However, I may be slightly intoxicated, and its late, and freezing outside so I don't really fancy it. And you live two minutes from the bar"
In an attempt to do a favour for his sempai he reluctantly, yet appearing cheerfully said "Of course Sempai"
"Stop that" Kakashi deadpanned and pointed toward Sai.
"Hm? What" Sai asked confused.
"That fake smile. I don't like it" Kakashi kicked his shoes off then shrugged his jacket off, Sai took it and politely hung it next to his. "It's your own fault anyway. You're the one who lives next to the red light district"
Kakashi slipped back to sit on the sofa.
"Sempai, how much have you had to drink?" Sai questioned. He walked around the back of the sofa and sat himself on the armchair by the end as to face his (apparent) superior.
Kakashi laughed to himself "Oh quite a bit". He rubbed his jaw through the mask. "Hey look at that, my breath on my mask froze" The drunk laughed to himself a little more. He turned to Sai "You mustn't tell the team about this, yeah? They'll criticise me for it"
"Of course, Semp- I mean Kakashi"
"Oh! Speaking of the team, I've not seen you since you got back from your mission! I heard from Tenzou- I mean Yamato, that you put a hole in your leg"
"Oh, yes. In a way"
"What did you do?"
"Kicked a glass window in. Got a few small scratches and a large shard stick in my ankle"
"You're lucky. Could've hit a main artery and you could have bled to death."
"I keep reminding myself of that"
"Show me then"
"Hm?"
"Show me"
Sai lifted his leg and pulled up his trouser leg. "I can't undo the dressing for you" he revealed a bandage going halfway up his shin and around his foot for an anchor "But it runs from here (just above the ankle bone)" He pointed "to here (5 inches long, up and around to the front of his shin)"
He rubbed the area on the bandage.
"Don't ty and scratch it. You'll open up the wound again"
"But the stiches are really itchy" Sai murmured.
Kakashi lent forward, removed his headband and pointed to the scar "You think that's bad? Try when you have stiches like that in your face. That is itchy on a whole new level"
Kakashi lent back in the sofa, relaxed and out his feet up on the coffee table next to his headband.
His attention was drawn to the ash tray near the middle.
"Hey- Sai-"
Sai's attention was snapped from playing with the bandage to Kakashi's puzzled face that was pointed at the table.
"-You smoke?"
'Shit'
At Ino's party, Shikamaru had promised Sai he wouldn't tell anyone that he smoked (due to the fact that he had given Sai some compromising gossip about himself, and didn't want him passing it on) and had kept his promise.
Shikamaru later realised Sai wouldn't find the 'gossip' very interesting and had dismissed it as nonsense.
'Shit'
Kakashi whistled to regain the boy's attention.
"Kakashi-Sempai I know the health risks and I also understand that you may not approve but it is my choice and-"
'due to the social stigma attached to smoking due to the health issues, most people have a low opinion of smokers and smoking as a concept and will often-'
"Not approve?" Kakashi laughed "I was going to ask if I could pinch a cigarette"
"Oh" Sai rose to his feet "Of course, Kakashi" He struggled dropping the honorific. He pulled a half empty pack from his jacket and a lighter. "Here"
"Thanks" He slipped the mask down his face with a daft finger. Kakashi hung the cigarette between his over bitten lips. Sai couldn't help but stare. Even he would call him attractive. His eyes washed over his well-defined cheekbones, flawless skin which was broken by the most twistedly elegant scar which ran down his face. His eyes traced it up until their eyes met.
"You're staring"
Sai passed him the lighter "Sorry, Kakashi"
"And that" He lit up "Is why I wear a mask"
"You get stared at a lot?"
"It distracts the kunoichi"
"I would say you have quite an ego, Kakashi"
"What's your point?"
"I'm not trying to make a point" Sai shrugged. He picked up the pack of cigarettes from the table and took one for his own "I didn't know you smoked, Kakashi"
"Yeah well" He signed as the smoke poured from between his lips "There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Sai"
Sai shifted on his feet awkwardly "Would you care for a drink, Kakashi?"
"Strange" The older one chuckled "I came here to sleep on your sofa, and yet you seem more interested in talking to me. The silent member of our team has found something he wants to talk about, I guess people feel comfortable in their own homes" He laughed "And yes"
"Tea?"
"Have anything else?" Kakashi purred.
"I erm, have a few beers from a party"
"Let me guess- House party without parents, can't let them find any alcohol when they get home, so the hosts dumps it on someone who's not going to have any parents or anyone questioning why they have alcohol" He smirked "Yeah, that was me too when I was your age. Yeah, go on I'll have a beer"
Sai wondered over to the kitchen and pulled a bottle from one of the cabinets.
"You're not having one?"
"I tried it once, made me ill"
"Have one. You get used to it, then you can actually drink it"
Sai took his seniors advice and grabbed a second.
"Got a bottle opener?"
"Err… no" Sai handed his
"Alright. Watch this" In one quick move Kakashi took the cap off on the edge of the table. Sai looked at him with a thoughtful face. He shook his thoughts away.
"Could you?-"
"Sure"
Kakashi opened the second bottle and handed it back.
"Thank you"
Sai sat back down and took a swig from the bottle. The vile liquid didn't sit right in him.
He took another drag from his cigarette to calm his nerves as he felt Kakashi's eye upon him.
"What is it?" Kakashi lent forward. His judgement may be impaired but he could still find the faults and causes in a person.
"Nothing" Sai dismissed to no anvil.
"Sai" Kakashi moved closer "I've known you what? Eleven months now? You're not the same kid you were. You've grown up, you've changed" Kakashi's speech was still slurred "You don't have to 'suppress' anything when you talk to me, just say what you want, I'll listen to whatever you have to say" Kakashi lifted his hand and ruffled the juniors dark hair. "You need a shave" He said off-handily.
Sai rubbed his jab absentmindedly "I know".
Kakashi stumbled to his feet.
"Which is the bathroom?" He asked while judging two different doors and a closet.
"One at the end" Sai mumbled.
With a moment to himself he took the last drag from the cigarette and stubbed it out in the base of the ash tray. The near full bottle sat next to it. He knew the liquid was vile, but threw it down anyway.
'Talk to him?
What would he want me to talk to him about?
Gossip maybe?
Like what Shikamaru said about that incident with one of the nurses?
Sempai wouldn't stoop to idle gossip would he?
Maybe I should ask him what he's talking about. It seems I would need to before attempting to talk to him. I would probably end up discussing the wrong thing with him all together.
What are the accepted topics of convocation at 2.14am in the morning?
Hmm. I should've tried to sleep more earlier.
I need to sleep.
It's been a four days since I got back, and I've not been able to sleep since then. Actually, since before then, I've not slept properly in weeks.
Is something wrong with me?
I must be coming down with something to cause this insomnia.
I should try and sleep now.
Maybe I would be best to ask Sempai to leave, try and sleep now.
Do 24-hour corner shops sell sleeping medication?
I doubt it.
And if they did, I'm sure they would ask for identification.
Why couldn't I just have been born a year ahead?
Maybe they'd sell me paracetamol.
Enough of those and I'd pass out.
Stop that.
You've had a drink.
Yes, one drink.
And your already nauseous and not quite thinking straight.
Well, being a 'lightweight' as Naruto said would be cheaper than having a high tolerance.
My apologies for not being a mass of muscle to soak up every ounce of alcohol, or that I don't feel like eating every scrap of food in the area to absorb this ridiculous poison.
Poison?
Please.
You have smoked for the past 13 months.
When you got injured from falling from a bird, you know you exaggerated on the pain to get a prescription for pain killers.
Stop it.
You are a failure of a replacement.'
Angry at where his own thoughts drifted, he (somewhat hypocritically) lit up another cigarette, made his way to the kitchen and pulled out the box of ten bottles from the cupboard and dropped it by the table.
After finishing the second cigarette, he immediately started on a third.
With a glance to the clock he read 2.19am.
"Now you're a chain smoker" Sai tutted to himself.
Pulling out another bottle out of the box and attempting to copy Kakashi's previous technique.
"What're you doing?" slurred Kakashi.
"How long have you been watching me?" Sai deadpanned back.
"Three minutes" Kakashi replied as he leisurely made his way to his seat.
"I believe the common term is 'getting trashed'"
"Why?"
"Because that's what people do"
"Really?"
"Yes. According to books I have read, stories I have over heard from Naruto and Sakura and their friends. Things in the media, like those soaps Sakura made Naruto and me watch when we had dinner at hers. People 'get trashed'"
"When?"
"When they want to celebrate-"
"-are you celebrating?"
"When they want to forget things, when they're unhappy" He concentrated all his skill on getting the lid off.
"Erm- You put one side of the cap on the edge, the hit the top and pull the bottle away" Kakashi made some vague hand gesture. "Voila!" He exclaimed at the boy's success "Pass's another; I'm starting to feel like I'm on solid ground"
They sat there for a moment, when Sai realised he was halfway through the bottle, his curiosity got the better of him.
"Naruto lives 5 minutes from here, and you couldn't have gone to him because? I know you know him better than you do me. In fact I am sure he would give up his bed for you, Kakashi"
"That's the difference between the two of you" Kakashi nursed the new bottle "Naruto, and Sakura for that matter… they see me as a sort of, hero. Like everything in my life is perfect, and I'll save them from any sort of trouble. To them I'm this big shining beacon of Kakashi-Sensei who looked after them when they were 12. I think they think I'm perfect." Kakashi mused "But you- you understand there are flaws in people. With those two, I feel like I have to live up the perfect image they have of me. I don't even think that the image they have of me is human" He sighed "You're ANBU, you've seen the flaws in this word. You realistically know I can't always be there to look after you"
"I don't need looking after"
"Tsk. Yes you do. But- you know I'm a real person, so I'd occasionally get myself in a fucking state like this and need someone's sofa and cigarettes. And it sort of feels like I'm being more honest with you than I am the other two"
"Should I take that as a compliment?"
"If you want. It means I trust you"
"Thank you"
'He trusts me?
That's good.
For some reason he must actually like me'
"You got another pack?" Kakashi asked pointing to the empty pack of cigarettes.
"Yes" Sai mumbled as he rose to get the fresh. "But if you wanted someone you trust, why not go to Yamato? I thought the two of you were friends"
"Yeah well… I don't really fancy staying with him at the moment" Kakashi grumbled. "I mean that in the nicest way possible!" He brightened.
"Oh? What is going on then? Because I noted he wasn't acting like his usual self on our mission"
Kakashi talked back to Sai who was rummaging in his room, "What I tell you, you can't pass it on again. Seriously you can't tell anyone"
"Of course, Sempai" Sai made his way back to his seat. He could see Kakashi smirking.
"You're wobbling. After what, your third drink?"
"But I still feel like I would be able to walk on ice, Kakashi"
"Oh, so you've got jokes too now?"
Sai nodded with a somewhat genuine smile. "Yes. Yes I do"
"Ahh well." Kakashi paused "His fiancée left him, just a few days before you're mission" he shook his head "I was going to lead it, but he insisted on going. Think he just wanted to get out of the village for a bit. Same really, I thought they'd make a good married couple"
"May I ask what happened?"
"Okay well he came round to my apartment, it was the day you lot got back from the border recon mission, it was about 5 in the afternoon. I'm just going through this heap of paperwork I've been putting off. He came round, sat down, I could clearly see he was upset, been crying, 'bout as pale as you"
"is that a compliment?"
"No. Anyway, I tried to talk to him, but he just stayed silent. After about an hour, he just said 'She's left me'. And then he just told me everything and broke down"
Kakashi rubbed his temple and let a depression creep over him.
"What did happen?" murmured Sai. He could tell Kakashi was more than a little unhappy about talking about it "I don't mean to pry, but I'm interested in how people interact and you see I thought-"
The older one pulled a knee up to his chest.
"You can't even let on to him that you know about this"
"Of course"
Kakashi closed his eyes and took a drag from his cigarette.
"Since he was about 16, he had always been told he would never be able to father a child. So if he didn't want a child, good, because he would never be able to get a woman pregnant, however, he did, so it was a little soul crushing.
Anyway, he came back from the mission, in the bathroom found a used, negative pregnancy test. And Ariko, his fiancé knew from the moment they got together three years ago, that he couldn't have a baby. But they were planning on getting married, then probably adopt a child.
Anyway, he of course going to ask her why she had this so word for word, here what he told me got said;
'Ariko. What is this?'
'A pregnancy test.'
'Why?'
'I thought I might have been pregnant'
'That's impossible'
'Actually, Ten- Yamato, it's not'
And then I think at that point he snapped a little, because he starting to forget to breathe when he was telling me;
'Then who the fucks baby would it have been?'
'Tsuzumi Sarugaku's baby'
'Sarugaku's? Are you joking. He's a dickhead!'
'He's better than you!'
'He's a fucking Chuunin!'
'Is that so damn important? Because I don't think a rank is. All you bloody well care about if being in the fucking Black ops! You're never here, and don't say that things have changed now, because they haven't its fucking worse. You're never here, I needed you sometimes. You'd be away for fucking weeks and I'd be here, worried sick about you- Then you spend about four fucking days here, and sod off again! The only time you stuck around is when you got fucking injured'
And I can't really recall the rest, because he just stopped using real words. Think from there she just grabbed her stuff, which she already packed and left" Kakashi deadpanned every word. He say hunched over with his head in his hands "That's the problem with ANBU, you have no freedom. It just takes over your life" He sighed and sat himself upright "That's why I had to get out. You don't really have a life when you're in there. Near enough impossible to keep up a friendship with someone off your team, let alone a relationship. And bravo to him for it though. The best most of us would ever get would be a one night stand"
"Then why'd ya' join?" Sai slurred. Starting the fourth bottle was the point of no return. Sai clapped his hand over his mouth in a reaction to his sudden inability to speak correctly.
'You're a mess.
Try saying that again'
"Surry, 'kashi. It appears the alc'hol had slurred my speech a little. I reiterate. Why- did- you- join?"
"Wow. I've sobered up a little. However, Sai, you are a little bit pissed aren't you?" Kakashi smirked and laughed to himself "by the look of you, you wouldn't be able walk in a straight line, let alone on ice!"
Sai just groaned and put his head between his knees. His body was twisting internally in strange ways previously unknown to him. He felt his sempai place a hand on his shoulder.
"You feeling okay?" He asked
"Yes" He sat back up and rubble his temple "My head hurts a little"
Kakashi got up and opened the window "It's too stuffy and smoky in here. Fresh air will make you feel better" He sat back down on the sofa, this time at the end close to the boy. "That any better?"
Sai nodded and lied "Yes, thank you".
Kakashi looked aver to him. The glow from the light created shadows that danced across the boys pale skin. A red blush from the drink had crept up his neck and settled in his cheeks, settling below the shadows that hung under his eyes. The boy looked down to the floor. He looked fragile, like a porcelain doll that would crumble if a feather was used to stoke it's skin. The boy's glassy eyes lifted to meet the mans. They pierced like daggers, but were so hollow they were almost painful to look into. For a moment, as Kakashi looked into them, he half expected tiny cracks to appear in Sai's sclera, and for the cracks to continue across the boy.
He wanted to just pull him into his arms and protect him. In this state, Sai was just too fucking fragile. Kakashi knew that trying to hold and comfort him would make it worse. He had realised, once when he seen Ino Yamanaka greet him with a hug. Sai had been very visibly uncomfortable with the sudden contact.
So he fought all the paternal urges his brain was sending him and gentle ruffled the boys hair and smiled.
"I joined ANBU after the war. It was the anonymity. I was sick of people referring to me and talking to me like I was my father. The events of the war pushed me to do it too, in ANBU people don't question you. And I did not want people questioning me on my eye. And when you become a Jounin at that age, it's the expect thing, thing to go into ANBU."
'Just remember, Sempai, you had a choice.
It wasn't fucking forced into you with a fucking needle.
Getting a tattoo at 13 is not fucking pleasant'
Kakashi pulled his hand back and thought aloud "Sometimes though, I wonder if it was the best choice. I guess it was… in the long run."
"Why'd you doubt it?"
"Just because, well, I was a mess, personally when I joined. And I don't think all the secrecy and stress of the job really helped. I hate how young people join, then the job just wears them down to an emotional wreck, but because of the nature of it, you can't ever show it, which just makes it worse"
"Really? How so?"
Kakashi paused and thought back to when he was 19, his mind and body were both in tatters, and he then got the task of taking on a emotionally unstable 15 year old. He found himself acting like an older brother rather than a leader.
"Like one guy who joined; he was already depressed when he joined, I had to- try and keep him in check. But because of who he was, and the pressures life and then ANBU on top of that. Just got too much and he tried to…" Kakashi drifted off. He swallowed his heart back into his chest. His gut twisted. He rubbed his temple and didn't make a sound for easily four minutes.
"I'm sorry, 'Kashi" Sai broke the silence.
"What for?"
"It- it seems I upset you. Questioned you on somethin' you weren't comf'table talk about"
"Its fine" Kakashi lifted his head out his hands.
Sai chewed his cheek. Thinking over all his sempai had said he uttered; "So if he was unstable when he was younger, then shouldn't you be worried now? If you're his friend then surely you'd want to make sure he didn't fall into old patterns"
Kakashi turned to look at Sai with a you-little-fuck look. "I am worried. He's my best fucking friend. " He took a swig from his bottle "He's staying with Genma at the moment, he has a spare room and basically no social life. Been there with him as much as I fucking can. Ungrateful lucky sod told me to fuck off. Just turned to me today and told me to just fuck off." Kakashi gripped the bottle tighter "That's why I went out. Need to get fucking wrecked. " He tightened his grip on the bottle.
Sai watched as his knuckles turn white. He noted Kakashi's entire attire was far more relaxed than normal. No headband, so his hair loosely fell across his face in a uncrolled mess. He had removed his jacket upon entry, and his mask pooled around his collar. His shirt hung looser than normal, Sai figured that there was no chainmail vest beneath it.
He looked up to his Sempai, recalling his earlier words , he thought that the man sat before him now. It was not the figure the whole village looked up to, the person his friends basically worshiped and the person who was due to become the next Hokage. The man sat there was a faulted human being.
'Have I broken him?
I have.
Crap.
How am I going to make up for breaking him?'
"'Kakashi" He whispered "You-" He paused for a moment "You're going to break that bottle if you grip it any tighter"
Kakashi placed the empty bottle down, his eye lazily wondered to Sai.
"You're lucky"
"Hm?"
"You hardly feel anything. Your blessed, Sai. You say you want to have feelings, but believe me you don't. They eat you from the inside until you're nothing but a shell" He broke "If you knew how I felt right now, if you could feel this then you would understand"
"I hate it"
Kakashi snapped to attention.
"I hate being this way" Spoke Sai. The alcohol had made him feel more relaxed, with the nausea gone, he was ready to talk back "It's horrible. It's not that I can't feel its-" His voice dropped an octave "That I can't understand" He awkwardly took a drag from his cigarette "There's a tearing inside, like every fibre of my bodies being ripped to shreds and welded together. Sometimes, I just think and my thoughts go off to places, and it scares me. I can hear myself screaming in my mind but I can't react. I'd do anything to fit in. Understand people. So I wouldn't have to spend every night alone, trying to force myself to stop thinking" His marble eyes stared blankly at Kakashi "I'd give anything to feel, human" Kakashi looked at him in horror. "People talk to me, and I can see how they feel, I can't always pinpoint what they're feeling, or why, but they feel. I don't know how to react when Naruto and Sakura speak of Sasuke and feel depressed. Then 'll get it wrong and they'll be mad. I misinterpret what people say and make myself look like an idiot. I want to fit in, but however hard I try, I can't. And I'll just end up back here on my own. And I'm sick of being by myself-"
"I'm here. Right now. I'm here." Was all Kakashi could say back. He watch Sai and could swear he saw the white of his eye crack.
'and I just want to get out sometimes.
Leave my own mind,
Because it scares me in here'
And there it was. The god awful burning inside Kakashi's body. 'Fucking hold him!' it screams 'Do something!'.
"I've been trying to find a way to stop" Sai's voice cracked "Stop myself thinking. Stop being such a freak. I just don't want to be on my own anymore." Then his body stopped working, almost to the point of his not being able to breathe.
Kakashi looked over at the crumbling doll before him. He found he was the one unable to breathe. He watch say crumble over so his head rested on his arms, folded in his lap. The boy needed protecting. From everything. From ROOT, from anyone who would ever put him down, from the bitterness in the world, from the toxins and poisons that were made to damage him.
'You worthless piece of shit'
for a while they sat there, Kakashi on edge as he watched Sai's back rise and fall. Occasionally the doll would mumble something incoherent and barely audible.
But when Sai pulled his body upright, Kakashi wasn't shocked to see he hadn't cried. Not a single trace of tears on his face. His eyelids hung lazily over his eyes, lips slightly parted for air, and a deep red across his face. His hair clung to his face with sweat, and the rest was a mess. A small V of sweat had formed on his light grey tee shirt.
Kakashi look at him and for a moment, saw himself. The messy grey mop, the body which had grown to tall and had nothing on it. The shaking hands, the teenage fucking arrogance. He drew his eyes up the figure, he saw the mismatched eyes stare back at him, the still-pink scar breaking his skin, the hollowness in his cheeks and the black and blueness under his eyes. He ran his eyes back down. The kid's sleeveless black shirt hung off him due to weight loss. Shoulder bones protruded from the skin like razorblades, the familiar track marks and odd scars on his forearms.
He squeezed his eye shut and shook his head.
"Excuse me"
Sai got up and excused himself to the bathroom.
Kakashi sat there for a moment. Seeing so much of himself in that boy scare him. He couldn't let Sai fall like he had. Can't let him become the trembling mess Kakashi had been at 17. No, Sai couldn't be like that. He needed protecting, caring for, looking after.
After a few minutes, Sai returned. He ignored the man on the sofa and went to the window and slammed it shut.
"Sorry, it was getting cold" He said, with a menacing calm.
Kakashi awkwardly got to his feet, stumbled a little from the alcohol.
"Sai "he called. "Sai" He said. His low voice vibrated through the teen, who then turned to face the older man "I can leave" He suggested "If you want me to". Kakashi felt wrong being there, he liked and trusted Sai, and didn't wish to stir anything else negative inside him. "I mean, its late, I've pressured you into drinking, stopping you sleeping-" He cut himself off. Something in the teens aura changed. Sai's eyes drifted up from the ground to Kakashi's, who saw a painful loneliness which was begging for him not to leave. The moonlgihts bounced of Sais skin, making him look almost ghost like, his almost-black hair was illuminated and the brown tones made themselves apparent. Kakashi noted that the boy stood by the window was indeed a beautiful young man.
Kakashi took the look he was given as a queue to sit back down. Sai returned to his seat and didn't speak.
The adult took the opportunity to study the paintings on the wall opposite him, some were new, they had names and Sai was clearly starting to take more pride in his work.
He turned his head back to the boy who sat with his eyes closed, a leg pulled up close to his chest with silver smoke pouring from his lips.
"You're not on your own, Sai" Kakashi spoke softly. Not that he wanted to have this talk with Sai, but the feeling to comfort and protect the boy took over, he had to make him understand. "You have friends"
Sai gave a small roll of his eyes and mumbled the words "They just like me because I am a replacement to Sasuke, and I can't even do that well"
"One; you do not want to be like Sasuke. Two; that's not true, and you know it. People like you for who you are. Naruto and Sakura need you on the team, they need a sane, sensible voice of reason"
'Sorry, Sempai, but 'sane' doesn't seem to fit me anymore'
"And all their friends, they'll like you too I bet. I think that they, might be a little… well.. intimidated by you"
Sai gave Kakashi a confused look. Intimidating? He was a lanky, socially awkward, out of place freak who didn't fit into sociality.
Kakashi continued "You're ANBU, you're a strong, powerful ninja and you show what can be accomplished. You know what's needed and what's not, and Its probably that calm understanding of the words that scares them. They're too soft, so to speak. So compared to you; who's achieved so much more than them in the same amount of time, they would feel inadequate. Especially the boy's." Kakashi chewed his lip, god this was going to sound inappropriate from him "Who would be threatened by such an attractive male" Kakashi felt like dirt saying that. He downed the rest of his drink and forced his brain to try and forget he had said that "I mean, if we were the same age, I'd feel threatened by it" he said, without even thinking about it. It was time to stop drinking if he was going to let his tongue slip that much.
A small smile crept up Sai's face, and he chuckled to himself a little.
"Are you on your own, Kakashi?" He asked.
"Well I've got a fair few idiots who I call my friends" He smiled "And I have "then I have you, Sakura and Naruto too. And then the people I work with-"
"I- I-" Sai thought "I wasn't talking about the people you work with, Kakashi. I mean are you alone, personally"
"You mean am I in a relationship?
Sai nodded.
"No. I haven't really been in a real relationship for seven years now. I've had flings and random fucks, plenty of those but, I've never been in a loving relationship" Kakashi sighed "And I've not been with anyone for a while now. So to answer your question, I am on my own"
He watched Sai think about what he had said. "And yourself?". Kakashi regretted asking, he felt like was treading on thin ice. It felt wrong to ask him something like this. What was he going to do if Sai then said he went out on the town every weekend and brought back strangers to fuck? Give him pointers and tips?
'What?
How do I answer that?
He'll think I'm a freak'
Sai bit on his thumbnail, which was almost raw.
"I'm sorry" Interrupted Kakashi "You don't have to answer that" But Sai wasn't listening.
"I don't really- well… I don't know how to explain really but" Sai moved to toying with his bottom lip between his thumb and finger. "I don't feel like that towards anyone but I feel something" Sai paused and shifted in his seat awkwardly. "I don't know how to explain it"
Kakashi told himself to say quiet and listen to Sai without saying something to make him sound like a dirty old man prying into the boy's sexuality.
With a sigh Kakashi decided that he should have just taken his mask off in the bar and gone home with the first taker for a few reasons;
One: he would have had somewhere to stay out of it.
Two: he wouldn't have had to learn that Sai's mind wasn't quite stable.
Three: It would have stopped him revealing all about his best friend
Four: It would have stopped him putting Sai in a painfully awkward position.
Five: He really, really needed to get fucked.
"You don't find anyone sexually attractive?"
"Not really but-" Sai thought "I can say if someone is attractive or ugly in the same way you could compare a sunrise with a rat's corpse" Sai inhaled a toxic breath "is that, normal?"
Kakashi smiled "It's perfectly fine. In fact I believe the term you're looking for is Asexual."
Sai smiled a little and nodded. He felt like less of a freak now, if there was a name, then there was others. "It's not that I don't want sex it's just, I don't really want it with anyone. Skin on skins feels good, and especially if it isn't my own hand. So it's like I crave the sexual rush as I do nicotine"
Kakashi rubbed his temples. He couldn't listen to anymore of Sai taking like that without feeling like filth. He made a note of remember that Sai was blunter than a brick wall.
"Sai, I'm going to be straight with you" Kakashi thought it was good that Sai didn't find the minor pun in that "There are some people in our society who don't approve of people who, don't fit their ideals, and are willing to make life unhappy for those who don't fit it"
"I don't see your point"
"Okay well, unfortunately, there are some people in this world will make like insufferable for those who aren't heterosexuals. And while friends will hopefully support each other, if you were to go around and tell everyone, it could have negative repercussions. I mean, I've seen it more against gays and lesbians than I have bisexuals and asexuals. But just, if you want to tell anyone, please only tell the people you trust, else you might end up getting hurt"
"You sound like you know from experience, Kakashi"
He ran his fingers through is silver hair and bit on the inside of his cheek.
"Please don't pass this on, but I'm actually bisexual myself, and I've known for long time, but one fo the first people I came out to, didn't really approve of it" He paused "He called me a freak and refused to talk to me from there on out. So only the people I trust, and I mean really trust are the people I'm comfortable with knowing..." he sighed "and of course the men I've been with, but I doubt they'd have any problems with it" He chuckled.
Sai frowned "Why would people have a problem with it?"
"I have no idea"
Sai opened another drink. Kakashi watched him. He seemed calmer, more relaxed than he did before. Maybe talking to Kakashi like this had helped him?
Wait- how much had he drunk now?
"Why were you up at half one anyway?"
"I couldn't sleep"
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I feel exhausted but no matter what I do I can't get to sleep"
"Because you really look like you could do with a good rest"
"It's just that… When I try t' sleep; I can relax my body, lie still but my brain won't stop. It just keeps me awake thinking about everything"
"How long for?"
"On and off for a few weeks"
"It sounds like you're just a little stressed"
"That seems to fit"
Kakashi thought for a moment, he was really starting to see himself in that chair.
"Have you eaten anything today?"
"Breakfast and lunch" Sai said. It was a lie, they both knew it.
"You need to eat"
"Not hungry"
"Doesn't change the fact. You're skinny enough as it is without starving yourself" Kakashi was getting agitated "You'll waste away"
Sai frowned "Why are you so damn bothered about what I do anyway?"
"Because I worry about you"
"Why?"
"Because I know what it's like for you"
Kakashi watched Sai's face twist in confusion "What?"
"You have friends, but you have no one to tell you what's right and what's not. You're left to help yourself, desperately trying to fit in. Struggling to even understand what's going on in your own head, and just trying to stop yourself going into that place where you feel you can't pull yourself back" Kakashi frowned. He was getting a little too emotional, but blaming it on the alcohol "Sai you need me. Or at least someone to look out for you"
"I'm seventeen, not seven"
"I know. Who did you have when you were seven, Sai? Look, I've been there. I've been where you are now. Not sure what to do with yourself, on your own, no one to help you if you needed it, just having to rely on yourself when you should be living your life. Losing the person you rely on, trust, love the most and then feeling like you have no reason for being"
Sai frowned and hung his head. "But why- why would you want to get involved with my life?"
Kakashi snapped "Because I was a fucking mess, and I can see, now, you're not far from how I was before I became a disgraceful wreck-"
Sai looked up to his superior, seeing the sadness and frustration in his eye.
"-And I can' t let you ruin yourself in the same way I did"
He dropped his gaze to the floor and watched the boys feet move as he left for the bathroom.
Kakashi glanced to the clock and read 4.56.
Was he really going to open up that part of his youth to Sai? Would it help? It felt like his mind was going blank as it raced for an answer.
In the next room , Sai winced under the fluorescent light of the bathroom. It burned his tired eyes as they stared at themselves in the mirror.
Sai barely recognised himself. He was always pale, but he looked like a corpse. His once full cheeks had shrunk, making his face look tired, bags under his eyes had appeared and turned grey. His eyes were dull and empty.
He made himself sick looking at himself.
He heaved into the sink basin, his body shook violently, but he couldn't bring anything up. He was just left with an acidic burn in the back of his throat. He pressed his full weight onto the edge, he didn't even want to go out and face Kakashi in this state. Everything the man was saying was right. He did need someone to look after him, even if he didn't know it.
He ran the cold water, washed his hands and splashed his face. The cold felt amazing against his burning skin. His hair clung to him with a mixture of sweat and water.
After his breathing regulated again, he opened the door and went back into the living room.
He took three steps before the cool air hit his skin. He could feel it battling with the burning heat of his skin. He shuddered at the feeling. With another step, he found that he wasn't able to get a stable footing. The room spun into a dark blur, he felt his blood pressure take a dramatic drop as his vision went black around the edges. "Sempai" he mumbled breathlessly before his legs gave out.
Sai expected to fall to the floor in a trembling heap. But he really did have someone looking out for him. Kakashi's arms wrapped around his chest before it could hit the floor. He pathetically clung to the warm blue fabric covering Kakashi's comforting arms.
He closed his eyes when he felt Kakashi stroke the back of his head.
"You okay?" Kakashi cooed.
Sai mumbled in agreement. He felt himself get lifted and carried over to the sofa. Kakashi lowered him into what was clearly his favourite spot, judging from the paper on the table and dented cushion.
Kakashi sat to the side of him and watched as his mind struggled to process the situation. He could feel some kind of tortured affection inside him for the boy. His hand slipped behind Sai's neck and pulled his head forward. Kakashi leant over to him and pressed his lips to the top of his head. He held the boy in his arms.
"Sempai, what happened to you?" mumbled the exhausted voice.
Kakashi didn't want to say. His gut twisted at the sheer thought of telling the boy, but he knew if he wanted to make a point and really prove to Sai that he needed him there; then it would have to tell him.
He lowered his grip on Sai and sat back in the corner. Sai rested his head back, his face turned to Kakashi. The two glossy marbles aimed at him with lids half shut, mouth parted slightly, the drunken blush creeping up his exposed throat and up his cheeks which were tacky from sweat.
He was a fucking beautiful mess.
Kakashi shifted in his seat.
"When I was sixteen, I had been in ANBU for nearly two years, I lost a good friend. And I blamed myself for not being there. I realised at that point, I had no one who truly cared about me. I had friend, teammates, and superiors. But no matter what, I just felt empty. I did everything I could to get the feeling to leave but, nothing lasted.
I started drinking too much, smoking too much. And when you've got ninken who get injured in fights, and have to regularly be taken to the vet, ketamine isn't too hard to come by. And then from that point, I lost all self-respect and it just spiralled out." Kakashi paused. His throat felt like it was tying knots in itself. He closed his eye and felt the moisture cling to his lower lashes "After a perticuarly bad fight, I was off for three months for injuries. I was prescribed morphine tablets for the pain and it didn't really take long for me to find that an extra tablet or two really helped numb more than just physical pain" Kakashi's voiced hitched. He had never told anyone about this fully. Yes his close friends knew, they had seen him degrading. They watched him and tried to help but… he never had to tell them "By the time I was you're age, I'd left Ketamine, moved up to stealing bottles of morphine and using heroin" He felt like he was going to be sick. "I was clinically underweight, basically anorexic, hardly able to function, I forced myself to stay on missions, barely able to complete them. I had no self-worth, lost all my friends, apart from my dealer and the other junkies" He spat the word out "Who I would find in the same dirty stairwell when I came around"
He paused and felt a tear pour out of his eye. Normally when he got emotional, his mask would hide it. In the same way he only let people see a glimpse of his face, he only let them see a glimpse of who he really was. "When I was eighteen, I was admitted to hospital after a near fatal heroin overdose. I spent three months in rehabilitation where I realised I had ruined my life." He gazed into Sai's tortured eyes "And there is no way in hell I can let you do any of that" Kakashi chewed his lip "Which is why I tipped off your doctor and has him cancel your painkiller prescription after your fall. I don't know how badly a fifty foot drop hurts, but I knew you were just trying to score painkillers" He lectured the boy, who had lowered his head with closed eyes. "When I did go back into work, the Hokage in a last attempt to give me a reason to live, gave me a freaky little fifteen year old to mentor. And I have to say; that kid saved my life" Kakashi smiled to himself "But don't tell your captain that, else he'll get himself an ego"
Kakashi chuckled to himself on the last line, knowing it was too true. He turned his attention back to the boy and watched him breathing for a while, he was still conscious, but Kakashi wasn't sure if he understood what was going on, or if his body and eyes had simply gone into autopilot.
"You know, Sai" Said Kakashi in a husky voice "You're the first person I've ever told all that too"
Sai turned to face his superior and in a hardly audible whisper he said ;"I'm glad you're here, Sempai"
Kakashi's deep voice echoed through Sai as he said "And I told you to drop the honorific"
He looked at the boy besides him and realised how lucky he was to have both his Father and Minato the for him. To have both of them to guided and care for him, he was spoilt in comparison to Sai.
Kakashi wasn't really a hug kind of person, but this kid needed it.
"Come here" Kakashi cooed.
Sai didn't respond.
"Sai"
"Sai" he repeated.
The boy's head dropped and he let out jagged breath.
"Sai"
Sai's hands met with his head, and bore out his eyes with the heel of his palms.
Kakashi watched his back shake as he struggled to get oxygen into his body.
"Sai"
The boy shook his head violently.
"Sai"
Kakashi could hear the boy choking and sobbing for air.
"Sai"
Sai felt his senior's hands on him, other hand around his wrist and another on his shoulder. He didn't know how long they had been there, but now he felt them shaking him.
He shook and the man released his grip.
Sai pulled all his limbs into a small ball on the sofa. His almost-black hair fell to hide his tortured features.
The two sat there for what seemed like an eternity. Kakashi's hands hovered just above where they had previously held the boy, who was now close to hyperventilating.
"I'm sorry Sai, I shouldn't have come round" Kakashi pulled his arms back "Honestly, I was a bit stressed, I'd had a drink, and I'd started worrying about you. I saw you're light was on and came over. It was an unprofessional move on my behalf but-"
"S-Semp-ai" Sai said, unsteadily choking on every syllable. He turned his head back up. His hollowing dry eyes bore into Kakashi's.
Words were not exchanged, just pained looks and pitiful glances. Sai moved in his seat. Slow at first but then his ninja speed played in.
His wire arms threw themselves around Kakashi. One around his waist the other buried into silver locks. He buried his face into the side of the mans neck. The kid's body shook in violent racks of uncontrollable sobs.
After a moment, he pulled his head back.
His Sempai's usually bored face was tortured with different emotions, he chewed back on his thin chapped lips. Looking down on Sai, he just waited for his eyes to flood over and tears to roll down his cheeks. But it didn't happen. Sai just looked down aimlessly at Kakashi's torso.
Sai's eyes flicked back up. An unmistakable pang of loneliness hit him. He recognised it now. He's felt it for too long and now, it was stronger than it had ever been before. Sai felt Kakashi's careless fingers play with his matted tresses.
His body churned in unfamiliar ways, a sickening feeling overwhelmed him. He lent into Kakashi's touch. Sai fell into him, pressing his body into the mans. Sai pushed his body up so his lips could crash into Kakashi's. Tactlessly and meaninglessly Sai forced his lips against the other's.
Kakashi could feel the teenagers wire frame against him, could hear his uneven breathing, could almost taste the desperation in the boys lips.
Kakashi's mind slowed as he could hear the mental clogs turning, rushing to think of what to do next. This was an odd development. Sai had no feelings of, that sort towards him, right? No, he's said it himself, sort-of, asexual.
But Kakashi knew it wasn't an emotional thing, just an action to make him feel less lonely.
Still, it was odd.
"No" Kakashi's hands slipped between them and pushed Sai down by his shoulders. Sai shook his head again and choked out a 'sorry' before letting his forehead crash with Kakashi's chest.
"Sorry-" Sai choked "Sorry- Sempai" His voice still slurred. Sai swallowed down hard on an oncoming wave of sobs.
"It's okay-" Kakashi calmingly laced his fingers through Sai's hair "I get it"
Sai groaned. The sickly feeling hit him again, his gut twistest. He untagled his hand from Kakashi's hair in an attempt to cover his mouth before he was sick against his Sempai's chest.
Kakashi had then to try and pick which sarcastic remark he would use. But instead he carried the boy over to the kitchen sink as he brought up the content of his stomach.
"I forgot how bad teenagers were at drinking" He mumbled as he held Sai upright. The overpowering stench of vomit clogged Kakashi's senses. Sai's body gave up, and the teens knees completely gave out and he crashed to the linoleum floor.
Kakashi looked down at the mess of teenager at his feet. Brain still searching for the appropriate thing to do.
"Mind if I borrow a shirt?"
Sai groaned something affirmative.
"This one is a bit vomity"
With a sigh, he pulled the ruined tank over his head, making sure none of the vile substance covering it touched his face. Now he just felt naked. He threw it on the side and plucked the sweaty, trembling mess from the floor and into his arms.
Kakashi backed into the bedroom, it was a mess of scrolls, paper and clothes, not how he expected Sai's room to be.
He put the body down on a double bed that had been pushed to the corner under the north facing window.
"Ka'sh-i" Sai mumbled "stay here"
"Alright, Sai"
Sai's eyes were lit up by the moonlight and shone a 'thank you' to Kakashi.
What had he to thank for? Kakashi had just crashed in on him, basically peer pressured him into drinking until he was sick, made him obviously uncomfortable in his own home with the topic of conversation and was now thinking about leaving him.
He pulled the thick blanket over Sai, placed a glass of water by his bedside and collapsed on the sofa, making a mental note to wake up before Sai did.
Dealing with a hungover Sai was the least of his desires right now.
A/N
ALL THE HEADCANONS!
I'm not even sorry. This is more or less all my headcanons for Naruto in a fic.
Deal.
And review, if you're a kind soul.