Disclaimer: Dumas is in the public domain.
To deal with horrid persistent writer's block on my other Musketeer fics, I have chosen a different way of writing a fic for this fandom – in the form of a newsletter parody. This is an irreverent look at Dumas' characters and the plot of the Three Musketeers with references to their various portrayals in film and TV. Expect OOC-ness, anachronisms and heavy satire. History buffs and all, you have been warned. This is not La Gazette at all.
Rated for some innuendo and naughty situations.
Le Canard
Issue 1 - Pilot Issue
Official Proclamation by His Majesty
Dear all loyal subjects, it may come as a surprise to you that we are endorsing the publication of another French paper other than La Gazette. However, the purpose of Le Canard is not to unseat La Gazette as the top official newspaper in Paris but as a supplementary paper. There is no way Paris is losing out to some German merchant-city that has two newspapers. The name is at the suggestion of our brother in Orleans over a few cups of wine and a delicious roast duck dinner a few weeks back. 'Why don't you set those two troops of baboons in Paris to something other than killing each other? Like having them work on a common goal, like a royal duck-hunt?' he said. Thus from a conversation on bickering monkeys and duck-hunting, the seeds of Le Canard took hold. We hope you enjoy this paper as much as La Gazette and find it highly informative, and way, way better than that Orleans Leisurely rag.
- His Royal Majesty, Louis XIII
P.S. Does anyone know anything about wild monkeys running loose in Paris? We will set our musketeers to deal with the beasts.
Editor's Note
Dear fellow citizens,
At His Most Gracious Majesty's behest, we bring to you the pilot issue of Le Canard, a joint venture between the King's Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guards, just to prove that we can work together without everything disintegrating into a brawl. The paper will be under the able editorship of Monsieur de Treville and His Eminence Cardinal Richelieu. The Musketeers have kindly volunteered to house the presses in their quarters due to flooding in the dungeons at the Palace of Justice. If anything does go wrong, it's probably the fault of de Tre- ahem - those guys in blue and white. We will also be publishing an advice column, to be jointly managed by our esteemed editors.
As His Eminence is a busy man, yours truly have been pressed into editorial duties. Captain de Treville will be hosting the Advice Column until further notice. Readers are welcome to write in to the Captain's Desk c/o the Musketeers' Barracks at Coopers' Court. Good luck to you poor sods who do write in.
- Comte de Rochefort, Acting Editor
P.S. This paper is also seeking experienced advice columnists, especially in the area of domestic concerns. What the hell do we know about colicky babies, aside from the racket they make?
Nightly Attacks Continue, More Patrols Called
Citizens of Paris are strongly advised to avoid the streets after sundown as a fifth attack by persons unknown on late-night travellers occurred in as many weeks. Alarmed streetwalkers and rogues, ahem, ladies and gentlemen of leisure, have petitioned His Majesty to increase night patrols to prevent other attacks. In response to the calls of the citizenry, the King's Musketeers and the Cardinal's Guards will be increasing their patrol frequencies, particularly about the neighbourhoods of Pont Notre Dame and Pont Neuf bridges where the attacks seemed to be centred. Authorities do not deem it necessary to impose a curfew as it will seriously cramp the lifestyles of certain highly-placed persons.
Victims were taken by surprise and forced into the river. The first attack was on a Swedish diplomat returning from the Comte of Anjou's engagement party. Sir Gustav Geitsen was fortunate to escape with minor injuries after a vigorous defence. The second attack was on an unnamed couple on an after-dinner stroll. The woman was killed while her male companion severely wounded after they were thrown from the bridge. Other victims are a scholar of the University of Paris, a Jesuit priest and a night watchman, all of whom survived their unplanned swim in the Seine. These unprovoked attacks were not muggings as none of the victims are robbed of any valuables. The only proper description of the attacker was given to the authorities by the Swede, who described a large, ugly creature resembling a troll. We at the news desk think Monsieur Geitsen had a drop too much to drink. Everyone knows trolls do not exist in France.
Public Disturbance - Cardinal's Right-hand Man Suspended
The morning calm of our fair city was rudely interrupted when a quarrel broke out in the genteel neighbourhood of St Louis on Friday. At the centre of the commotion was a mademoiselle who claimed that her neighbour, Comte de Rochefort, threatened to throttle her infant. The young lady requests to remain nameless in light of her relationship with a prince of the blood. When a patrol of Musketeers tried to arrest the Comte for disturbing the peace, he resisted and grievously wounded five men before being subdued with the aid of a passing seminary student and an off-duty musketeer.
When interviewed, His Eminence the Cardinal admitted that his subordinate was indeed embroiled in the brawl and will be suspended from his Guard duties so that he may have time to reflect on his rash actions. Rochefort insists that he was sorely provoked by the infant's incessant wailing into an uncharacteristic display of temper. "I spend long nights out on His Eminence's business and wish for some quiet when I get home, is that too much to ask? Instead we have that brat next-door screaming all hours and its mother unable to shut it up!"
At press-time, the mother and babe in the centre of the disturbance have left the city for the countryside for the sake of the child's health. Comte de Rochefort has moved out of his fancy St Louis apartment for more spartan rooms at the Palace of Justice on the orders of his employer.
Minimum Age for Admission to Musketeer Corps
We wish to stress that the Musketeer Corps have a minimum age for our recruits. The minimum age is 18. Please stop sending us your sons unless they meet the minimum age. No schoolboys will be considered. Only candidates aged eighteen and above will be considered at our recruitment drive. If you are a week from your eighteenth birthday, please come back in a week for us to re-consider your application.
Advertisements:
Madame Fanny's – Nags, mares and fillies to cater to all tastes. Local and exotic. We are the only choice for the discerning gent. Come down to Fan-Fan's tonight and let us take care of your needs. Come over to No. 14, Rue St Magdalene. We also cater to house parties.
King's Musketeer Corps recruitment drive open from next week. Interviews at Cooper's Yard. Minimum age – 18. Noble blood greatly preferred. No schoolboys.
Cheval House – All your transportation needs under one roof. Arabs, Galician and Spanish. Be it stamina, beauty or temperament. Our horses come in all sizes and we guarantee you will find the steed to suit your needs. Come down to No. 14 Rue St Madeline.
NOTICES:
The Cock and Bull Cookhouse wishes to declare that we do not use diseased horse meat in our meat pies. Our pies contain only the best greasy pork and beef, with the occasional kitten or rat thrown in for taste. Rest assured that our pies are not only tasty but safe for consumption.
The King's Musketeers Corps wish to clarify that contrary to certain rumours, we definitely do not poach our recruits from the ranks of church choir-boys. We accept grown men only.
Cheval House wishes to announce that we are not affiliated with Madame Fanny's brothel in any way! We are a REAL stable providing actual horses for rent and purchase – stallions, palfreys and ponies. Please quit asking us about our fillies' bed-rates and arranging Roman-style orgies.
Apology to Monsieur Pierrot , Taverner
We sincerely apologise for the brawl which wrecked the Happy Hour Tavern, It was never our intent to demolish your place. We will pay for half of the damages done and send the rest of the bill to the Cardinal's Guards. They started it first! – Porthos, Athos and Aramis
Personal to a dark, handsome Musketeer
My dashing Don Juan, my sisters and I have had that talk. We wish to know who exactly you are courting. Meet us at the Church of St Martin. Please make your intentions clear or Papa might just call on you with a musket. – Your sweet Juliette
Personal warning to a three-timing rake
Leave my daughters alone, you rogue! I have already lodged a complaint with your commanding officer – Angry Pere.
To dear Juliette, Mariette and Annette with deepest regrets from Don Juan
Nevermore shall we go a-roving, so late into the night,
Or your father will come a-roaring and shoot me out of sight.
Author's Notes:
Canard – French for duck, or it may refer to an untrue story.
Well, how did it go? No advice column yet, but do feel free to write in for advice from de Treville or whoever is covering for him in the next issue.
Suggestions on how to improve the paper much appreciated. Slipped in some jokes which I will leave for you readers to catch. Some gags may run over multiple issues.