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Harry Potter and the Heart of a Rat
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Eyes mean a lot. Like a barometer. They tell you everything – who has a heart of stone, who would poke the toe of his boot in your ribs as soon as look at you, and who's afraid of you, the cowards …
– Mikhail Bulgakov, The Heart of a Dog
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Summary:
There are many things a wizard or witch shouldn't do while ridiculously drunk or high: flying, apparition, spellcrafting, Quidditch, Quodpot, microsurgery, wand repair, transfiguration and magical oaths, just to name a few. But listening to one of your equally wasted friend's 'brilliant ideas' is another one of the things you just shouldn't do. Now he's been hurled into the past, is surrounded by enemies domestic and foreign, and stuck wearing the skin of a cowardly, traitorous rat bastard. Never fear, Wizarding World – Peter Pettigrew, Gilderoy Lockhart and Dolores Umbridge are here to save you all! Er, yay?
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Author's Note:
This is both a HP reworking of "Back to the Future" themes, and a soft reboot/reworking of the time travel tale "Hair of the Grim" by Nightmare Sired Muse. It also contains many concepts, lines and situations from the grab-bag that is "Odd Ideas" and other writings by Rorschach's Blot. Used with the permission of their original authors (except for "Back to the Future" of course).
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Pairings:
Harry Potter(*Peter Pettigrew)/Multi (Apolline Delacour, Pandora Lovegood, Mrs Zabini, Lily Evans, possibly others), Ron/Hermione, Gilderoy Lockhart/Dolores Umbridge, Sirius Black/Narcissa Black, Remus Lupin/Mary MacDonald, James Potter/Amelia Bones, Frank Longbottom/Alice McKinnon.
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Crossovers:
Primarily Harry Potter, but contains some elements from: Naruto, Ranma ½, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Inuyasha, Simpsons, Red Dwarf, Blackadder, and others (see Disclaimer section below).
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World:
Canon-compliant. HP&DH compliant (except the Epilogue). HP&CC compliant (except the conclusion). FB&WTFT compliant. Pottermore compliant (mostly).
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Rating:
Rated M for violence, language, drug use and sexual references. Nothing explicit.
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Disclaimer:
The Harry Potter series belongs to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. I make no profit from any fiction.
I do not own Harry Potter, Alice in Wonderland, Anchorman, Austin Powers, Avatar: the Last Airbender, Blackadder, The Barber of Seville, the Bible, Dirty Harry, Discworld, Dragonball Z, Evil Dead, How It Should Have Ended, Farscape, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Futurama, Game of Thrones, Inglourious Basterds, Great Expectations, Heart of Darkness, Indiana Jones, Inuyasha, Keeping Up Appearances, Lolita, The Lone Ranger, The Lord of the Rings, The Marriage of Figaro, Mazes and Monsters, Monte Python, Naruto, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Pinky and the Brain, Pokémon, Popeye, The Princess Bride, Ranma ½, Red Dwarf, Robot Chicken, The Simpsons, Snakes on a Plane, South Park, Star Trek, Star Wars, Terminator 2, The Thousand and One Nights, Troll 2, Tomb Raider, Twilight, Yes Prime Minister, White Chicks, and the works of Edgar Allen Poe, HP Lovecraft, Roald Dahl, Shakespeare, or anything else.
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Table of Contents and Chapter Descriptions
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Part 1: Harry Potter vs Time
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2. Prologue – We Can't Stop Here, This is Rat Country
And they thought that dabbling in the Dark Arts while under the influence of a galaxy of mind-altering substances would be good for a chuckle. How wrong they were!
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3. Chapter 1 – The Loveliness of Lists
As the manual says, Don't Panic. Just think: What Would Hermione Do (WWHD) in this situation? Pettigrew's secret admirers.
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4. Chapter 2 – The Obligatory Visit to Gringotts and Obtaining a New Wand Chapter with Meta Title
What it says on the tin. Harry acclimatises to his verminous form, goes window-shopping, and makes the Black family an offer they'd prefer to refuse.
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5. Chapter 3 – So You've Ended Up in the Past and Now Inhabit the Body of a Mortal Enemy: A User's Guide
Shady deals with shady staffmembers. Harry and the Marauders help Remus with his time of the month. James Potter learns why one should not keep an owl waiting.
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6. Chapter 4 – The Right Rite
Mama never warned him 'bout dem redheads. When lost in the middle of the Forbidden Forest at midnight, don't forget to look up. The first unresearched ritual turned out so well, the only logical thing to do is another unresearched ritual! What could possibly go wrong?
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7. Chapter 5 – Snuggle Bunnies
Things go wrong. A brief stay in the Hospital Wing for our intrepid rule-breakers. Harry attempts some self-surgery, with expected (for him) results.
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8. Chapter 6 – The Truth Comes Out, or Close Enough for Government Work
Secrets are revealed, artefacts unveiled, Padfoot's prognostications, and the Potter family's pontifications. James suffers a bit of a disappointment. He does not take it well. Lily loses her temper. He does not take that well either. Lies, damn lies and official paperwork.
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Part 2: Peter Pettigrew vs The Knights of Walpurgis
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9. Chapter 7 – The Battle of Hogwarts
Pettigrew enjoys the benefits of a brisk constitutional. There's nothing more exciting than exercise: you get all the fun of burning lungs, aching limbs, whining friends, and getting up before the sun does. Exercise has it all. Harry makes a disconcerting but welcome discovery. A thrilling, high-stakes match of exploding snap between two high-school students! Bellatrix Black reaps the whirlwind. Half of the school gets in on the fun; they create a desert and call it a job well done.
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10. Chapter 8 – The Fall of the House of Slytherin
Harry gains two blonde sidekicks from Ravenclaw Tower. An adamantine Apolline assiduously acquires additional adjuncts for Harry's household. Strange occurrences amongst the Knights of Walpurgis. Ministry mystified! Aurors angered!
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11. Chapter 9 – In-A Garden of Slytherin, Baby
Salazar had good taste, but lousy naming skills. While Ron has bad taste, but a great memory. The return of an unexpected redhead. The time travellers discover Great Science!
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12. Chapter 10 – The Well-Laid Plans of Mice and Men
The trouble with time travel. Pandora and Xenophilius' background. The Spark of Genius! Or, the Spark of Madness! Take your pick. The adventures of the Cursed Child and his long-suffering companions. The third member of their trio is discovered, and Ron's girlfriend is most displeased with him. The demise of Project GHTUFDOS. The irresponsible duo are taken to task for their reckless disregard for the laws of time and space.
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13. Chapter 11 – Marriages and Mistresses
Harry tries to matchmake, and has the tables turned on him. Turns out he's not very good at it. A new business venture is launched. Pandora and Lily haggle.
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14. Chapter 12 – Bonding with Blacks
The paranoia of Narcissa Black. Orion Black arrives at Hogwarts to reprimand his reckless charges. Harry explains his evil plans for world domination. The peregrinations of Walburga Black. Narcissa gains a hero, Sirius gains an ulcer and Lily gains a roommate.
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Part 3: Dolores Umbridge vs The Daily Prophet
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15. Chapter 13 – Gadding with Ghouls
Harry becomes a Ghostbuster, yet encounters something far more terrifying than ghosts – lawyers. Occlumency lessons without the greasy git. Our lead joins geriatric Jim's gym. The Ministry of Magic's newest Deputy Code Inspector (DCI) walks his beat, meets many of the denizens of Diagon and its side streets, and acquires a variety of surprising new tutors.
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16. Chapter 14 – Marauding with Marge
Another bird in the hand. Unpleasant time travel revelations. DCI Harry is on the case. Specifically, he's on the case of going to the muggle world to visit his 'beloved' relatives and 'repay' them for all their 'hard work' and 'sacrifice' in raising him for all those years. A house elf demonstrates his golf swing.
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17. Chapter 15 – Holidays with Hippies
Harry and Lily share an embarrassing encounter. Meeting the folks. An interesting car ride. Some unexpected visitors arrive and the Evanses lay out the welcome mat. The strange saga of a girl's wardrobe. Lily becomes homeless.
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18. Chapter 16 – A Princedom by the Sea
Lily and her mother visit Château Delacour for the Christmas Break. Apolline and Lily 'bond', to her father's consternation. Harry and Apolline take the gloves off. Harry receives a shocking revelation and takes appropriate action. Good times with weapons.
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19. Chapter 17 – Diplomacy
Harry introduces his giant snake to his collection of snakes. The Fall of the House of Malfoy. Lily receives some bad news. Sirius' preferred type of secretaries and preferred use for doxies.
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20. Chapter 18 – Abraxas' Adventures Through the Foe Glass
Pandora's revenge complete. The Aurors come a-visitin', and the greatest alibi a man can have. The usefulness of phoenixes. Ron flexes his magic skills.
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21. Chapter 19 – A Cunning Plan
Hermione, Pandora and Odd take on The Daily Prophet. Another Lovegood. The Dark Lord's dirty laundry. Rita Skeeter's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. Hermione's contingency plans.
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Part 4: Mundungus Fletcher vs The Goblet of Fire
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22. Chapter 20 – A Series of Unfortunate Events
Some uses for anatomy. Meeting the dregs of Durmstrang. Dabbling with Dementors; or, Duelling with Dementors; or, Dancing with Dementors; or Destructing Dementors. Take your pick.
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23. Chapter 21 – Quid Pro Quo
Lily Luna does a kidnapping and Dumbledore does a deal. Pandora and Lily rock hard. Hermione fully embraces her bureaucratic nature. The first Triwizard Tournament in almost 200 years begins!
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24. Chapter 22 – Gotta Catch 'Em All
The consequences of the Triwizard championship lead to dramatic developments. A Dark Lord discovers the nature of real magic. Flitwick the sadist sades his sadisticest. Snape learns the goals of the House of Black. Hermione flees into the night; followed immediately by, Hemione Strikes Back. The game of thrones.
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25. Chapter 23 – Delenda Sint
Magical high society and the Magical Ministry meet their friendly neighbourhood Hermione. Dumbledore awakens and shows Harry a new use for his sword. Harry makes a deal. Hermione goes shopping.
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26. Chapter 24 – Nattering with Nazgûl
Hermione's supplies. Lily blows her top (again). Scottish politeness. The right of parley, and the secret life of Dementors.
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27. Interlude – Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride
And they're off! Travel plans are always so exciting. What a Zabini wants, a Zabini gets. The Dementors of Britain take a holiday.
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Part 5: The Hogwarts Army vs Mahōnihon
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28. Chapter 25 – The Battle of Kyōto
Meeting a new friend. The Asian division of the HA visits Mahōtokoro and learns some unnerving things about magical Japan. A bird in the hand's worth two brooms in the bush. A visit to Kyouto palace and another marriage offer. The invasion and siege of Kyōto Palace. The HA mobilises to defend the Japanese magical government. Tom Riddle demonstrates some neat tricks. Harry demonstrates some of his own.
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29. Chapter 26 – Voyages with Vampires
The conclusion of the Battle of Kyōto. But what to do with the captives? The cavalry arrives! Bellatrix experiences her new life.
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30. Chapter 27 – The Ginevra Convention
An unexpected arrival. Meeting new freinds. A redhead's magical mystery tour. Another Black enters the picture. Some frustrated Aurors.
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31. Chapter 28 – Dirty Hermione Callahan
Hermione flexes her muscles. Ron enjoys some nuts. Kikyō's story. Clobberin' Time! Deploying The Weapon. A mysterious disappearance explained. The ninja train. Unwelcome news in America.
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32. Chapter 29 – Fortress Great and Mighty Lord Daimyō Mr Peter Pettigrew-Potter-Black-Malfoy-Sama Sir and His Wives and Concubines and Servants Too, and Also Dobby (FGAMLDMPPPBMSSSAHWACASTAAD)
In this thrilling chapter:
- - Ginny lies in a tent;
- - Naho plays with her baby cousin;
- - Apolline, Pandora and Naho wait in a room; and
- - Lily and Ginny watch other people construct things.
Don't forget to tune in next time for the exciting continuation! Same magic-time, same magic-channel!
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Part 6: The Syndicate vs The Economy
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33. Chapter 30 – Dollar Dollar Bill, Y'All
The French Connection. Muggle money management. The redheads bond over shopping. Pandora aims for the heavens!
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34. Chapter 31 – Have Fangs, Will Travel
The epic conclusion of a vampire civil war saga. James tests his skills and makes a bargain.
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35. Chapter 32 – Rodents of Unusual Size
Or, Living with Lovegoods; or, Freestyling with Fitzhallibut-Malfoys.
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36. Chapter 33 – Wedding Crashers
The little girl that could, and the wedding crashers that did. Animagus mishap! The return of Rita Skeeter.
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37. Chapter 34 – The Kage Summit Showdown
What's a little destruction between friends? Aggressive negotiations and a declaration of war. What do you do when faced with a gang of powerful, deadly, highly trained, and completely unhinged shinobi? Buy them off, of course! Pandora, Apolline and Naho get to bargaining.
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Further chapters TBA.
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