I literally wrote this after watching The Rape episode but before the aftermath and the fire. And this is my first fanfic, so that would explain the kinda cliche title and ending, as well as possible OOC. Anyways, reviews are appreciated! Enjoy! (and Hollyoaks isn't mine...if it was, a certain person would be gone *cough* Grace *cough*
"John Paul! Will you just tell me what's going on?" Ste called out as he was briskly trailing after John Paul through the village. "It's not really your business now is it, Ste? So will you just leave it?" was all the response the dirty blonde gave.
Ste paused in the brisk walk, a hurt expression on his face before it was replaced by anger. "John Paul, will you just talk to me? You know I should be the one ignoring you. After all, you were the one who asked me out, stood me up, and then when I was telling you exactly how I feel, you know being all open and honest, and what do I get? A door in my face. And you know, you could have at least listened instead of walking away and left me standing there like an idiot." He knew he sounded irrational, but he really didn't care at the moment.
John Paul continued walking, wanting to stop and tell Ste but that meant talking about it and thinking about it and that was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. So he just continued walking and half listening as Ste ranted.
He stopped and turned around when Ste suggested going back to the deli with him. A twinge of guilt stirred in him at the sight of Ste's smile dropping. Not wanted to deal with it, he turned around and proceeded to walk away from him. He took two steps before he was stopped by Ste grabbing his arm.
Ste started apologizing. "Look, I'm sorry for going off on you earlier. And I'm sorry for pestering you. I'm just worried." He walked around to face John Paul when he still refused to make eye contact, placing his hands on his shoulders. "C'mon John Paul, talk to me," Ste said, his tone was almost pleading. When the man still didn't respond, Ste lowered his voice. "Is this about what I said the other night?" The other man blinked, his jaw clenched. Ste dropped his arms to his sides. "I'm sorry if what I said made you uncomfortable, alright? Can we still be mates though?"
Ste watched as John Paul's face seemed to flicker with inner conflict. After a minute of silence, John Paul looked up and made eye contact. His expression was anguished as he replied, "I can't." Ste scrunched his eyebrows slightly in confusion. "You can't what?"
"I can't tell you.."
"Why not?"
"I just can't."
His mouth was open as if to say more but he visibly froze when his gaze averted to the side. Following his gaze, Ste saw Finn O'Connor standing near the Price Slice with a malicious look on his face.
The smug smirk on his face disappeared when he saw Ste staring menacingly at him. Ste turned around to see John Paul watching Finn walk away with a stoic expression and fearful eyes. "Did he do something again?" Ste demanded. John Paul turned back to Ste. "What?"
"I said," Ste replied, "did he do something again?" When the dirty blonde didn't answer, the brunette turned around with rage clear on his face. He started storming after Finn but was stopped by John Paul's hand on his arm.
"Don't."
"What?" Ste replied incredulously.
"Don't." "You can't be serious." There was a pause.
"John Paul, that little twat has been making your life a hell. You told me yourself. And he's obviously done something now. So just tell me what's bothering you so much."
"Ste, just leave it."
"Why should I?"
"Because it doesn't concern you."
"Yeah, well it will concern me soon. Just tell me. So I can tell him to lay off."
"That will just make it worse!"
"Make what worse?"
"Just leave it be!"
"What did he do? You know you can tell me. Just, c'mon spill it out."
"I can't."
A silence came over the two men. "I can't." John Paul repeated, his voice a low whisper.
"Why not?" Ste asked in an equally low whisper. "Because I just can't" was all the reply the brunette got before John Paul turned around and walked away.
Ste, not one to give up easily, turned around and started trailing him again. "Look, I get you don't want to talk, but can you at least...come back to the deli with me. Yeah?" John Paul stopped, seeming to actually think about it.
"Okay."
Ste leaned forward. "Come again?"
John Paul turned around. "Okay. I'll come back to the deli with you."
"Thanks," John Paul said as Ste handed him a smoothie. "I hope you don't mind peach-mango. It was the first thing I thought of when we came in." Ste said as he sat down beside John Paul on one of the tables.
"No, it's fine. I like peaches and mangoes." John Paul said, a small hesitant smile on his face. A bit surprised, Ste couldn't help smile in return.
There was a comfortable silence of sorts. The only sounds heard were the refrigerator running in the back and the sounds of the village outside. "You're not going to drink that?" Ste asked after awhile, nodding towards the drink when he noticed John Paul hasn't taken a sip of the drink.
"Huh? Oh, yeah I am." John Paul took a sip of the drink.
"You okay, John Paul? You seem a bit off." Ste asked. John Paul replied with a simple nod.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Ste rose an eyebrow but didn't push it.
"I'm sorry for going off like that on you that night without giving you a chance to speak," the brunette said, breaking the silence. "I know I already said sorry but I'm saying it again." John Paul took a sip from the smoothie.
"It's alright. I'm at fault too."
Ste looked up at John Paul and saw he had an expression of agitation. "John Paul?" He placed a hand on the dirty blonde's shoulder, not missing the flinch. "John Paul, what's wrong?" The other man seemed to be in a trance of sorts. He shook his shoulder. "John Paul. Can you hear me?" John Paul blinked, snapping out of the trance.
"What?"
"You were in a trance of sorts."
"Oh, sorry. I'm just out of it today. Exhaustion, that's all. I'm going to go now. Matthew's with Carmel and Jim and I promised them I'd be back soon." He got up and started walking to the door.
"I know Matthew isn't with Carmel or Jim." John Paul stopped. Ste continued, "I saw him with Marlena earlier today when I went by your flat, looking for you. And she said she wasn't expecting you back for awhile." He saw John Paul's hands curl into fists.
"Why were you at my flat?" Ste blinked in surprise at the harsh tone in John Paul's voice.
"Like I said, I was worried about you."
"Why?"
"To talk to you. I'm worried about you."
"Worried about me?" He turned around, his mouth opened as if about to say something but ended up turning back around.
"John Paul, I'm just worried. And you can talk to me you know. Even if you don't, I need to know you're okay." There was a pause of silence before John Paul replied. "I'm not okay, I'm terrified."
"Why?"
John Paul turned around. "Have you ever lived your life in fear? Everyday you wake up, you think, 'I hope today's better.' But then your hopes are crushed. It's even worse than the day before. And the worst part? You forgive the cause, the one who caused your life to be so unbearable. You forgive them, hoping to see a glimmer of good in them, until your hopes turn out to be misplaced. And you're flat on your face because they shoved you." John Paul paused. Ste's gut clenched as he asked, though he already knew the answer, "Who? Who shoved you?" John Paul hesitated before answering. "Finn. Finn O'Connor."
"What'd he do?"
"He...see the other night, when we were going to meet, he..." John Paul looked down, his eyes closed as he tried to control his breathing. Suddenly, Ste wasn't sure he wanted to hear what he was about to say.
John Paul lifted his head. "That night, he attacked me. I swapped detention duty with someone and he was there. Later I found out Robbie and Finn were responsible for the robbery and he was the one who attacked Nana. I went back into the classroom to ring the police when Finn comes out of nowhere. We argued a bit, I must have wound him up or something and he knocked me out. When I came to he.." His voice broke, sounding like his throat closed up.
Ste asked in a low, almost whisper-like voice, "He what?"
John Paul looked down and took a deep breath. "He raped me."
Ste felt light headed and a knot form at the bottom of his stomach. "He what?" Ste asked, disbelief in his voice.
John Paul kept staring at his feet, shame and grief on his face. "He assaulted me. I've been raped."
A rush of something came over him-relief, like a weight lifted from his shoulder. He kept his head down though, expecting to see the
judgment and disgust on Ste's face; what he didn't expect was the hand on his shoulder followed by arms around his shoulders. He rose
his head in surprise for a moment before placing it on the shorter man's shoulder and wrapping his arms around the other's waist.
He didn't know what had come over him but Ste couldn't fight the urge to hug John Paul, to show John Paul he was there rather than just say so. Actions spoke louder than words after all.
The two stood in silence, John Paul staring at the the wall and Ste staring out the deli window with his arms wrapped around John Paul.
After a short time, Sam walked by the deli, pausing when she saw the intimate embrace the two men were sharing. Her expression was of worry and slight confusion as her eyes fell on John Paul before it was replaced with a smile of relief. She looked up to see Ste's look of confusion. Sam merely rose her lips into a bigger smile and walked away.
"What the hell...?" Ste murmured, unintentionally near John Paul's ear.
Said man pulled back, a puzzled look on his face. "What?" John Paul said. "Nothing, it's just, Sam had this weird look on her face." Ste replied, his eyes still out the window. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw John Paul turn towards the window and stop. His expression was one of contemplation.
"She was giving us this weird look, like she was happy to see us together." He turned to John Paul, a joking smile on his face. "You don't supposed she's talked to Marlena, do you?" His smile faltered when he saw John Paul with a conflicted expression on his face. "John Paul?" Suddenly, it clicked in his head. "She knows, doesn't she?" John Paul only gave a simple nod in response. "That night, you went to the police." He gave another nod. Ste felt guilt rise in him. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" John Paul asked.
Ste replied, "For going off on you that night, and earlier."
"You've already apologized. And I've already forgiven you."
"I know." A silence came over the two until the dirty blonde broke it. "I wonder if it stops." "If what stops?"
"The feelings." John Paul walked over to the tables and sat on one, Ste trailing after him with his eyes. John Paul continued, his eyes cast down at the entwined hands on his lap. "Every time I look in a mirror, I'm reminded of how weak I am. And how humiliated I feel. I think about how I flinch at every loud sound and how I freeze up. Just the other day, the Roscoes broke out in a fight during class and I just froze."
At the mention of class, Ste said, "Wait hang on a minute, you're still going back there?" John Paul nodded. "Well did you at least take a few days off?" John Paul replied,
"Well Patrick doesn't appreciate sickie days."
"Well this isn't a sickie day matter!" Ste exclaimed.
Hearing those words come from his mouth reminded John Paul of the exact same words from Sam. Thinking of that time reminded him of the examination from the night before and the terror he felt in class after. He must have been a trance of sorts because he felt like he snapped out of something when he heard Ste. "-hear me? John Paul? John Paul."
He blinked before turning towards Ste, who had a concerned look on his face. "Huh?"
"I said," Ste answered, "are you okay? You seemed to be in a trance of something."
"Oh yeah, I'm fine." Ste rose an eyebrow at him. "Really?" "Really." There was a pause and then Ste said, "John Paul, you know you're not alone, right?" John Paul remained quiet. Ste laid a hand over one of John Paul's. "I mean it." John Paul looked up at Ste and smiled, his eyes giving a silent thanks.