Title: Survival Of The...
Author: trill100
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst, deathfic
Summary: The worst part was, it was a routine mission. Routine doesn't even really cover it. They were making the Pegasus galaxy equivalent of a service call.
Notes: Written for stargateanon. Prompt: "Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." - Edward George Bulwer-Lytton. I kind of forgot the first bit of the prompt and went with the second.

The worst part was, it was a routine mission.

Routine doesn't even really cover it. They were making the Pegasus galaxy equivalent of a service call.

And Lorne had volunteered for it, too. He had been so desperate for something other than paper work that when Sheppard mentioned escorting McKay to the kid's planet to check their shield, he'd jumped at the chance. He grinned like an idiot while Sheppard told Beckett that he'd be babysitting McKay, nothing more.

So when he wakes up in the infirmary for the second time that month, not entirely sure he's glad to be alive, he hates himself.

-----

M7G-677.

Keras and a small group of his people met them at the gate.

The Well, they call it. Lorne's amazed by all the names for the gate, and how many peoples are convinced it's some kind of water.

Keras took them back to his village for a meal, he remembers that much. He remembers that they were served something that looked like a llama and tasted like chicken. He remembers that their earthenware mugs were filled with water that was sweet like honeysuckle.

He knows that when McKay got impatient Billick and Hansen went to the ruins with him while he finished his meal.

Twenty minutes. Twenty minutes and McKay came out of the woods, talking fast to himself.

-----

Lorne groaned inwardly.

"Of course," he was saying, "Of course there's something more here. They wouldn't leave a Zed-PM just to protect children…"

Lorne had been about to complement him on his dazzling charm, and ask could he please get back to his lunch? when Billick knelt beside him. "He's found a lab, sir. I think you should see it."

He sighed and set aside his plate, casting a longing glance at the best meal he'd found in this galaxy before following McKay and Billick towards the ruins.

"You know, McKay, you might want to try being nice to the locals. Have you tasted the chicken? I'd appreciate- Whoa." About ten feet past the ruins was a large outcropping of rock. With a big open door in it.

Hansen was standing uneasily in the doorway, P-90 at the ready. "Sir," he'd said, lowering his weapon as Lorne approached.

He peered past the lieutenant into the room. "Have you been inside yet?"

"No," McKay was obviously irritated, "they insisted we get you first."

Lorne nodded slowly, still taking in the room. From what he could see, it was almost as big as the labs on Atlantis. "Billick, you and Hansen go back to the gate, radio in what we found. Me and McKay are going to check it out." The marines both nodded and took off in the direction of the gate.

That's the last solid memory Lorne has.

-----

When he wakes up, Sheppard is in the chair beside his bed, hunched forward with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Lorne closes his eyes because the lights are making him nauseous. When he opens them again the lights are dimmed and Sheppard is leaning on the railing of his bed, watching him. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad," he says after a second.

"I bet," He sees something he doesn't like in Sheppard's eyes, a hint of desperation. "Can you tell me what happened out there, Lorne?"

Chicken… Woods… McKay… Lab.

"There, uh, there was a… in the rocks… a lab…"

Sheppard nods. "Right, Do you remember what happened after you sent Hansen and Billick back?"

Lorne tries to shake his head and his vision goes blurry. "No." He says, closing his eyes as a wave of nausea swept over him.

His CO gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Get some rest, Major. We'll talk later."

-----

When he closes his eyes, he sees flashes of it.

McKay still at the console, telling him to run.

The sound of the doors closing, McKay just inches from them.

Screams.

Drowning in the sweet water.

The mission reports he reads later fill in some of the details, but Lorne still doesn't know how he ended up in the water a mile away.

He doesn't know what was set off, or even what set it off.

He doesn't know what happened to McKay, and no one can tell him.

-----

Somewhere between the doors closing and his drowning, Weir appears. Even without the overhead lights it's obvious that she's been crying, no matter how much she tries to hide it.

She takes his hand, asks him the same questions as Sheppard in different words. He tells her he feels drugged, just says 'no' to the rest.

She pats his hand, tells him that they should be glad that whatever happened was contained. Things could have been much worse.

-----

Lorne doesn't go to the memorial service. Before, he could still pretend that everyone made it back. Now, he can't even pretend that every body made it back.

So instead he left the infirmary early in the morning and retreated to a pier on the south side of the city. There he sits, five feet from the water, remembering what it felt like to drown, when the shadow falls on him. He doesn't have to look up to tell who it is; the afternoon sun projects the spiky hair at his feet.

"Colonel." He gives a halfhearted salute and hopes that no one who'd bother to write him up for it is around.

He doesn't move to get up, and after a second Sheppard crouches in front of him. "Didn't see you this morning."

His voice still holds that easy familiarity and Lorne envies this man, who comes back from any and everything thing still 'John Sheppard, Action Hero'.

"Yeah, I…" The doors to the pier close and the metallic clang makes Lorne want to vomit. He closes his eyes and chokes back bile.

When Sheppard speaks his voice is soft. "No one blames you."

"I should have been the one, sir," he replies automatically. The phrase comes fast because, for two days now, it's been every other thought.

He can feel Sheppard's eyes on him, appraising him. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

I think he stayed to seal the doors. I think he died saving my life. McKay was more important than me. He opens his eyes. "I screwed up. I should have still been off duty. I got McKay killed because I was bored."

"You didn't get anyone killed. Best we can tell, the lab was booby-trapped. The same thing would have happened if it was me or anyone else with him," Sheppard stands as he speaks, takes a few steps towards the water.

Lorne nods his head and mumbles a 'yes, sir' because it's what Sheppard wants him to do.

"Besides, me and Beckett cleared you. Sometimes, things are just beyond your control."

"I could have told him no. I could have kept him out of there."

He turns to face Lorne again. "You really think you could have kept McKay out of an Ancient lab?"

"I could have shot him in the leg, or something."

A soft chuckle escapes Sheppard's lips. "I tried that once. He, uh, he was wearing a shield, though…" He walks back to Lorne and offers his hand to help him up. "Like I said, Marcus, no one blames you. This wasn't your fault. Blame the Ancients if you want, but there was nothing you could have done, and you're lucky to be alive yourself."

Lorne stares out at the ocean, ignoring his offer. "I'm still debating that, sir."