Disclaimer: Skulduggery Pleasant is the property of Derek Landy. The only profit I receive from this fic is a chance to exercise my snark muscle.
Author's Note: This is number 31 in my one-word prompt series, and it is also my first attempt at a Skulduggery Pleasant fic. I picked up the series a couple weeks ago and have been devouring the books ever since. Valduggery all the way!
"Are you sure about this?"
"Absolutely."
"Hmm."
"What do you mean by that?"
"By what?"
"That skeptical little sound. Very off putting, that is. Blow to my ego."
"As you've got quite a bit of it (ego, I mean), I felt that it could take a bit of wounding."
"You're a cruel girl, Miss Cain."
"And you are an exceptionally obtuse man, Mr Pleasant."
"Ah. You mean the plan?"
"Yes. You said 'Absolutely.' That's suspicious. Normally, you have a few more words to follow, if only to show how utterly brilliant you are."
"I thought that you would appreciate my brevity."
"In another circumstance, perhaps. Now? Not so much."
"It is very difficult to please you, my dear, but I must remember that you are, in fact, young-ish and are not as capable as I when it comes to grasping the finer details."
"I thought that we had agreed to stop taking shots at our respective ages? If you're calling an end to our truce, I've got a few good zingers that I can let loose."
"My dear, do you mean to tell me that you spend your free time thinking up ways to insult me? I'm flattered, truly."
"As if you don't do the same thing."
"I would never indulge in such a childish endeavor."
The two combatants eyed each other, appraising what they saw with attention to every detail, every piece of information let slip by a small twitch or glance. Skulduggery Pleasant was as inscrutable as always, but Valkyrie liked to think that she was catching him up.
"Hmm."
"There's that sound again. Have you come down with something? Perhaps some Doubting Disease that afflicts the young?"
"Would you like to know what I think?" Valkyrie continued speaking before her partner could reply in the negative, "I think that you're doing your level best to avoid my original question, which can only mean that this plan of yours has only one certain outcome: failure." Somehow, by hook or by crook, Skulduggery had become capable of looking sheepish, which was an unnerving expression on his bone-white skull.
"That has not bothered you before."
"Yes well, before, the targets were simple places. The Sanctuary, your home, the Bentley. Not China Sorrows' library!"
"It is imperative that we retrieve them; you know what will happen if we don't. they are extremely compromising."
"I know, I know, and China will do something inexplicably embarrassing with them, I know. But, isn't there another way?"
"I've looked at it from every angle. Fletcher was the simplest solution, but not a viable one given the nature of what we are going after, and we cannot call on any of our friends for similar reasons. So, taking all that into account, I am positive that my plan absolutely has a chance of working. Call it a hunch."
Two agonizing hours later, they were back in the Bentley, perusing the fruits of their nefarious venture.
"Y'know, these are quite good. I wonder where she found him."
"Yes, you are quite right. Although, I suspect that she did what any self-respecting person with money does: hired a PI. Look at this one."
They gazed in mutual appreciation at the photograph Skulduggery held in his fingers. "I am very fond of the sounds you make when I have my fingers under your blouse, and that shad of pink in your cheeks is very fetching."
"You don't look so bad yourself. Shall we frame it?"
"And put it where?"
"Oh, I don't know. The Great Hall in the Sanctuary?"
"My dear, what a positively delightful thought. In one fell swoop, we will announce our relationship, and we will prevent China from using them in an undoubtedly underhanded way."
Valkyrie hummed her agreement and kissed the Skeleton Detective on his cheekbone. As she picked out a few of the photographs for her personal enjoyment, she was caught by a sudden and disturbing thought: what if China's intent had not been underhanded at all, but something else entirely? What if there were duplicates? By the stillness of her partner, Valkyrie determined that she was not alone in her thoughts.
"Best not to think on it now, Valkyrie, or else we might do something rather rash."
"We retreat, then, and try another day?"
"Or never, as the case may be. We'll never get through her defenses like that again."
"Not if she stashes them somewhere that isn't her lingerie closet."
Skulduggery shuddered, "Why a person would hide something amongst their knickers is beyond me. That's the first place any rational being would look."
She kindly did not point out that they had looked everywhere but the lingerie closet for fear of what China might have inside. But, they had safely recovered the photographs, and Valkyrie had resolved to ask Ghastly if he knew someone who specialized in fancy knickers. The leather corsets had looked especially intriguing.