Heya, dudes~! MetaGiga here. I'm here to give to you something that I've been wanting to write for a while. A Sue-bashing fic. They're pretty much fanfics showing how it would be in actual fandom reality when a Mary Sue pops in.
If you don't know, a Mary Sue is an OC that is disgustingly perfect. So perfect that it just ruins everything and makes the entire story seriously bland. They usually have the canon characters fall in love with them. Like, all of the canon characters. They're also seriously annoying.
So, I'm making a fic that is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. It's just for lols. Oh, I also don't own Naruto or anything.
[Chapter One]
There once was a ninja named Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka (because Christie is SUCH a native Japanese name). She was a high class ninja that used genjutsu, ninjutsu, and taijutsu with ease!
When she was five, her parents were slaughtered by rouge ninjas before her very eyes. Afterwards, she set off to have her own adventure to find her true calling. Even though she witnessed a totally traumatizing homicide, she was still a cheery person because that's always normal.
She had bright beautiful black hair, crystal purple eyes, and had the sexiest figure you could imagine. Her chakra was off the charts due to her being blessed by the eleven tailed beast. She was related to the Uchiha clan and had all of the eye techniques known. She could easily make any boy fall in love with her, but she sometimes thinks of it as a curse.
Though cheery, she also had a dark side. It wasn't long before she joined the Akatsuki after killing off small villages that didn't give her any great and hard earned praise for being perfect. She was then the most powerful member!
[Inside Akatsuki Meeting Room]
"Now," Pein began as he got everyone to shut up, "The reason we are here is because we have a temporary member with us. Her name-"
He was instantly interrupted by an annoying ass high pitched 'lolita' voice. "My name is Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka! And I'm super pretty and I'm, like, probably the most powerful member!"
They all just stared at her. Hidan spoke up, "What the hell kind of name is that?!"
Christie just smiled to him. "It's my name, silly! Oh, why is it sooo dark in here? Better fix that!"
She then made hand signs and preformed the easiest light jutsu possible. She seemed pretty proud of herself, however.
The light now shown on her 'ninja outfit' (if you would even call it that).
She was wearing a short pink shirt that showed much cleavage with an equally short black jacket. She wore padded skinny jeans and pink and black tennis shoes.
It was blatantly obvious that she did the light jutsu just to show herself off and seduce the guys.
"Is she some sort of prostitute?" Sasori (inside Hiruko) asked, staring at the weird looking 'sandals'. Christie scowled in response. "At least I'm not an old guy. BURN!"
"... That was pathetic."
She paused suddenly. "Uh, you were supposed to, like, totally flinch and apologize to me." Christie corrected, then anticipated for the very thing to happen right now. Unfortunately, she didn't get that response.
"I am Sasori of the Red Sands, and I do not do such things. I will not say your name, for it has to be the most idiotic name I have ever heard of. If I did repeat it, then I will suffer from intense sickness; as though I had been forced sugar water down my body. And I cannot even have taste anymore. I shall not follow orders from lower beings such as yourself."
Christie pouted, mumbled something about how horrible her life has been, then looked toward Deidara. That's when her eyes got big. She blushed as a pink background appeared as well as faded bubbles around her and Deidara. "What the hell is this, hmm?!", he demanded, trying to swat away the strange background.
"What... Is this feeling?", Christie Sweetie Sakura Rosa Cuppycake Nitaka whispered as she put a hand to her chest. She looked at Deidara, sparkles in her eyes. "What... Is your name?", she asked. Deidara stopped trying to swat away the bizarre pink stuff, then looked back at her. "Why would I tell you? Undo this genjutsu, even if it IS harmless, hm!", he demanded. Meanwhile, Hidan was laughing his ass off at Deidara's situation. This bitch actually is doing something entertaining instead of being a preppy little brat trying to have everyone do what she wants to! Huzzah!
Tobi decided to chime in. "Oh, you wanna know Sempai's name? It's Deidara since you wanted to know so badly!"
This earned him the biggest death glare Deidara has ever given. "Tobi... I'm going to blow up your shojo manga collection right after I'm done with this bitch, hm...", he growled.
"Aw, you're bluffing! And when you're done making out?"
"KATSU!"
BOOOOOOM!
Tobi was sent through the ceiling. Pein would have stopped this a while ago, but this was actually amusing. Why stop it now?
Christie sighed. "Deidara-sama... Such a smexy name for a smexy guy..."
Deidara replied, face red, "W-What are you implying, hm?!" It was obvious that he really wasn't comfortable in this situation. Christie moved toward him. "Deidara-sama... It seems like there aren't enough rooms to keep me.", she whispered. That got Sasori's attention. Both he and Deidara had to share a room together (not in a romantic sort of way). If this girl forced herself in, he'd have to deal with an even BIGGER brat.
"You can stay in a storage closet." Sasori said, but it sounded more like a demand then an offer. Christie glared at him. "I would make great company. I already know Dei-sama has no choice but to share a room with a disgusting old man like you!", she snapped back. Sasori started to get even more annoyed, which seemed to have been impossible. "In case you didn't know, I am thirty five years old. If I were allowed to, I would now be gutting your insides while you are still alive... Slowly and painfully... Killing you beforehand would be boring.
"Whatevs, old guy. I can't be killed. I'm too special."
Pein decided to end it before Sasori really did do that to this girl.
"End this at once. We will put this girl in each room for one night. The one that is... 'Suitable' will be where she sleeps. Which means one room will have three members instead of two."
Zetsu turned to Pein. "When she comes to ours... Can we eat her?"
"No, Zetsu."
Zetsu (along with most of the other members) looked quite disappointed. Christie was pretty oblivious to the saddened faces of not having her allowed to be eaten. "Alright," she said, "I'm gonna be in Dei-Sama's room!"
Pein facepalmed, then replied, "No, it is not your choice. I decide. You've caused enough trouble for Sasori and Deidara already."
Christie's eyes teared up. "But... I'm supposed to choose for MYSELF! Everything has been horrible since my parents died! Woe is me!"
She then curled up into a ball and started crying, hoping she would get pity-points.
This was the fucking Akatsuki. No shits were given.
Itachi decided not to even get involved in what was happening. "Kisame, what is your intake on this?", he asked his partner, whom was watching as if it were a theater show.
"Well," Kisame began, "Deidara's probably gonna to have to deal with this brat throughout the whole time she's here, we might have to get Tobi from the nearest village five miles away, Hidan's laughing his ass off, Sasori will probably have to stay in Hiruko or suffer the same fate as Deidara as well as be on high maintenance so he won't add her to his collection, Kakuzu might want to steal all of her money since she has those useless and expensive looking clothes on, Konan has been so annoyed that she hasn't even said a thing, Zetsu will want to eat her, and our leader isn't doing anything to stop it..."
He pondered the situation.
"Itachi, my intake is that she's screwed."
"Indeed."