A/n: This is a truly bizarre piece I wrote when I was bored. I hope it resembles romance in some manner. This would be my first attempt at it. I don't own Haruhi.
Yuki lived in what looked suspiciously like a bachelor pad.
While it was fairly clean, the absence of 'feminine charm' manifested itself in the stacks of unwashed dishes and the trash-can full of TV dinner boxes, stacked vertically and neatly. Draped from the lighting fixtures and lamps were assorted articles of underwear purchased by the reclusive alien.
Panties and brassieres hung drying in plain view. There were very few matching sets. Partly because Nagato lacked the human sense of style that compelled many to where matching tops and bottoms whether or not anybody would see, but mostly just because she was incredibly likely to buy what was on sale rather than what was in style, and then mix-and-match to find what was most practical.
Koizumi grimaced as he walked out of the bedroom. It was rather unlike his apartment, where the laundry was put neatly away, the dishes were always clean, dinner was nutritious, and everything came in matching sets. He hadn't noticed the previous night through the haze of alcohol and lust, but it bothered him now, in the all-too-bright morning.
His grimace became his traditional grin.
He began to do the dishes. While Yuki slept, he went shopping. He bought eggs at the market, as well as bacon and pancake batter. When he returned, he made breakfast. Every yolk was centered in the middle of the white surrounding the egg. Every pancake had a radius of exactly three inches. Even the bacon was curled into two perfectly alternating sine waves.
He started thinking back on the previous night. He had started it, of course. Yuki would have been far too reserved. He seemed to remember being rather forceful, but if the alien had objected, he would be a cloud of atoms right now. He tried to reassure himself and hoped that Yuki would not be angry when she woke.
The SOS-Brigade's mighty goddess of death might yet reduce him to slag if she was unhappy.
Nagato stepped out of the bedroom. Her black robe seemed to swirl around her feet in an ominous manner, and she stared right through Koizumi. Seemingly straight through his very soul. She looked rather cross.
The stare had a powerful effect on Koizumi, who was in yesterday's clothes. He suddenly felt very naked, despite his full attire. He quite nearly fell to his knees.
"G-good morning, Nagato... san..." His remaining composure finally withered under the weird witch-like woman's almighty gaze. He collapsed to the ground muttering politely.
"Good morning." She drifted to the table where breakfast was laid out perfectly for her to enjoy. She picked up the fork, perfectly, of course, and used it to slice Koizumi's perfect fried eggs into perfectly proportional pieces. She stabbed one. It jiggled perfectly on its way to Nagato's mouth. She ate it, chewing extremely slowly and moving the piece around inside her mouth.
Koizumi stared. "W-would you like some pancakes?"
"Yes." Koizumi pulled himself up off the ground and scuttled over to the pan in which the cakes were frying. He panned it over onto Nagato's plate. She ate it in the same manner as she did the eggs. She moved on to the bacon.
She lifted it up to her nose and inhaled deeply as she closed her eyes. She lowered it to her lips. She seemed to fondle the piece of bacon with her lips as she began to take the piece into her mouth.
Suddenly, she stopped. Her eyes shifted without moving her head towards Koizumi.
Koizumi stared for a good minute and a half before he realized that he was disturbing his goddess.
"S-sorry." He averted his gaze.
"Not a problem." Koizumi quietly sighed in relief. Maybe he wouldn't be annihilated after all. "Sit down."
Koizumi gulped. There were only two seats at Nagato's table, and it couldn't be even unless Koizumi sat directly across from Nagato. This would force him to look her in the eye! The horror!
He sat down.
"Eat." He got up, filled a plate, and sat down again. Again, Nagato said, "Eat." Koizumi put part of a pancake to his lips. Slowly, he opened his mouth and partook of the pancake. Yuki nodded, then went back to eating her own food.
Koizumi felt awkward. There was no telling how Nagato felt. Perhaps she was oblivious to the embarrassing situation. Is that how goddesses, er, aliens are?
Did she feel defiled, or completed?
He supposed it was about time he faced the music.
"Yuki, about last night..." Yuki kept eating. Koizumi had been hoping she would interrupt him. Tell him not to worry about it. But instead... "Well, you realize, of course, that I was very drunk."
Yuki nodded, continuing to chew. "Yes."
"Well, I hope you aren't angry with me. I didn't think I would..."
"I could have killed you or otherwise incapacitated you." Koizumi twitched. Yes, he knew that. She still could. He hoped that he would be allowed to leave this place alive.
"Well, I suppose you want me out of your place, now." Koizumi rose and went to the door. As he reached out for it, he heard it lock. He spun around and saw Yuki, standing there chanting something or other. Gulp.
His gaze reached the all of the exits, as they disappeared one, by one, by one. The windows became opaque, and then blackened and shrunk away.
The door grew several new locks and the doorknob melted into a metal plate. The door grew into its frame entirely, muffling any sound that might escape.
Koizumi could hear a faint rustling. The insulation, he guessed. It must have been growing to temporarily soundproof the apartment. No one would hear him scream.
I'm sorry, Haruhi. It looks like you'll need a new esper...
Yuki pushed him up against what was once the door. She clasped her hands around his chin with near-crushing force. "Stay with me."
"Come again?" Yuki dropped her robe around her shoulders.
"Stay here. With me." She kissed Koizumi on the lips. "You forgot to make any coffee."
A/n: I intended this to be a one-shot, but you may leave me a suggestion in either a review or a pm if you would like this to be continued.