TITLE: Third Time Lucky
AUTHOR: plumerri
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Can Stan Shunpike be this lucky to escape Argus Filch and his detentions?
CATEGORY: General, Humor (?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Written for the omniocular's May Spring Cleaning challenge.
THIRD TIME LUCKY
Argus Filch never approved of that boy. He was crude, impertinent, and useless, unworthy of enrolment in this school. He knew that he himself wasn't worthy of enrolment, but then again, he's not a student.
But this Stanley Shunpike, Argus knew, was going to be someone notorious in the school the moment he stepped into his office. The cold, miserable, pathetic dungeon he called his office, where he kept his filing cabinets and records of mischief making by students. The thickest files were of James Potter and Sirius Black; both graduated (bless Argus' soul).
"Hey Stanley."
"Don't call me Stanley!" Stan's face was red, and if you looked closer; you might even see smoke billowing out from his ears. Devon smirked and lightly punched Stan's stomach, but Stan pushed him over with much force. Devon screamed. Blood began streaming down from Devon's nostrils.
Within minutes, or perhaps, seconds, Argus was right there, his detention papers ready and his chains oiled. Teachers weren't around but Argus could give out small punishments. He was ready to send Stanley Shunpike for a week-long's detention, but before he could do that, Albus Dumbledore arrived.
"Now what's the trouble, Argus?"
"Professor, this boy here has been fighting! I recommend him for a week-long detention to correct his behaviour and—"
"Now Argus go light on the boy. I'm sure Stanley didn't mean to, huh?" Albus turned to look at Stan.
"No, Sir. It was an accident."
The second time Stan avoided a week-long detention happened just before Easter, Argus remembered. He made a mental note to make the boy learn his lessons, but each time, the boy was either saved by the bell (he ran too fast, dammit), or some teacher came to whisk him away.
Argus didn't believe that Stanley Shunpike would be that lucky to avoid a week-long detention. After all, his file was quite thick, but the section for punishments was as thin as a piece of parchment. He only had to write a couple of lines in the past few years, and even that nasty Professor Snape gave him only a night's detention.
That boy's damn lucky, Argus said.
"Don't call me Stan, don't touch my stuffs, don't kiss my girlfriend… What the hell are all these, Stan?" A few weeks later, Devon sat on Stan's bed and he was looking at a piece of parchment pinned up. Stan stared at him, signalling him to "let it go", but Devon continued harping on it.
"Do you have a girlfriend, Stanley? Who? –"
"I said don't call me Stanley!"
"Stanley Shunpike, Ravenclaw, fifth year, given two weeks' detention for causing serious injuries to housemate Devon Brown." Stan could hear the "finally" Argus Filch whispered under his breath. After all, it had been a long while.
"There's no one here to save your skin now, Shunpike!"
"Now, Argus, please mind your language and talk more like a caretaker!" A voice interrupted.
The two of them looked at the newcomer and Argus groaned.
Not again, surely.
Stanley Shunpike, third time lucky? Definitely not.
31 May 2006
521 words