Silent Aspersion
Prompts: Angst, Absolution, Irvine Kinneas
It takes a particular kind of person to do what I do. You have to control your emotions, hide the pain and anxiety and the death of your soul, your sanity. I'm called to play God under the instructions of others, to eliminate the lives of targets, give the final curtain call. It's my conscience that's heavily weighed down, not my superiors who make the call for execution. It's not my choice, but it is my job and I chose this path, that was a choice I did make. I wanted this life, this solitude and struggle.
Whiskey numbs for a while, so do women and cocaine, but it never lasts. It's a false sense of relief and fleeting, but indulgence has become necessary, self care for my fractured mind. Searching for any kind of relief has become just as integral as the job itself. Self destruction by self medication for the purpose of self preservation is a farce, but it's the only way to survive the weight of the burden.
Every face I've ever had in my cross hairs is burned into my mind permanently, I see them everyday, all the lives I took and the one I failed, hers haunts me the most. What nourishes me also destroys me, and every face after just adds to the devastation inside me, to the growing void where my soul once was. I will never be whole again, the damage can not be undone, and it can't be healed. There is an abyss that stares me down with a grin, that shows itself at my weakest moments.
Women are drawn to it, to the mystery, the angst, the psychological struggle I endure. They're sympathetic, compassionate, kind. They offer me whatever they can, food, drugs, themselves, anything they can give in an attempt to heal what is broken. But the void is still there, and I often wonder how many women understand that void because of men like me in their lives. Have I ever left a void in another's soul? I'm sure of it, as sure as I am that my actions have long lasting consequences. Every death I've carried out has left a void in someone's soul, even if it was only mine. But I'm sure I've destroyed others, decimated them like I do to myself.
Women, so many that I'll never remember their names, and many of their faces I've already forgotten. I've lost count of them and how many potential children I might have produced. Sex has become nothing more than a coping mechanism. They have become more than just a need or indulgence. The way the feel, taste and kiss has become a distraction, the way they move more of an observation. Conquests that mean nothing. I don't feel love or adoration when I see or touch them. Just attraction and the correlating emotions. I can't feel these emotions because I can't risk having them in my cross hairs, again. I can't risk being forced to destroy the only love my soul possesses. So I distance and disassociate myself from them, telling them only what they want to hear rather than what I truly feel. Feeding them words that mean nothing, like my morose existence. It is all to easy to get what I want, what I feel I need to survive from them. I understand that I am only using them as a means to an end, and that adds to the weight on my soul. They serve a purpose, their bodies providing temporary satisfaction and distraction. But once it's over, the feelings fade and I crave more than what they can offer. Whiskey lasts as long as the bottle and I can go as deep down the hole of my soul as I can drink. It's dark and lonely but inside that hole I forget who I am and the sins I've committed. Drugs rebrand who I am the longest, every one turns me into someone else. Marijuana keeps me calm, enhances my false happiness and helps me sleep. Cocaine makes me the life of the party, it takes away the stigma I feel and helps me forget through interaction with others. It steals away the pain of admitting what I do, only for it to return hours later thirty fold. Acid forces me to confront what I've done and make peace with it, it tears my emotions apart and makes me see the futility in the world. I don't like acid.
I am alone, but not unlike those in my footsteps. Every sniper I've ever met has coped the same way, and have shared with me their demons. There is no other way, because absolution is far from our reach, unattainable. There is no way to make up for our sins, to wash the blood from our hands. We are forever stained, forever tainted.
I yearn for nothing more than to settle down with an understanding woman, but it will never happen. Not only is it out of my reach, it's out of my capacity, and I am undeserving. I won't ever know the love of a woman, from any perspective. I need to remain alone to contain this pain, this hate and emptiness. I can't share that with anyone else, I can't give it to another it's mine alone to confront and suffer from. It's my burden to bare, not to share. It must remain this way, it's the only way to cope and I am too far gone to change, to be saved or loved. How can I share my pain with another without them feeling it? How can I love without sharing myself and my sins? Relationships never panned out for those reasons. I couldn't take down that wall, and I never will.
I'll never truly be alone, not with these demons and the faces that haunt me, they're there to keep me company, and though I'm never alone, I am lonely and that loneliness is the bane of my existence, and of every sniper's existence. It will only end at the grave, and the only way I'm leaving this planet is dead. I have to find a way to appreciate the time I have here. I have to stop destroying myself to survive. Pride is a lonely way to die and I refuse to lead a grim existence. Can I find true happiness in the mundane? In the world? In humanity? These are questions that can only be answered after I've become nothing but a legacy, a memory, nothing.
AN/ Here's another prompt fic. These are prompts from the other night. I had started this, got 43 words in and chose to get laid instead. I hope you enjoyed this drabble. I'm also doing character prompts now. I pulled Irvine and Cid Highwind, and I chose to throw Cid back in the prompt box. You can find me on tumblr as michellekellyff. I do check it a few times a week. Enjoy and review! I want to know what you think. Other drabbles will be coming soon (300-1200 words is what I consider a drabble) I've got a good amount of these characters in the prompt box. XOXO MK