Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon! Get over it!

Warnings: Mentions of MxM pairings, Taito, DEAL. This fic deals with real life, SM-self-mutilation-, depression, rape, abuse, and suicide. If you think these things exist only in people's imagination and Fanfiction. Leave. Now.

A/N: I know, yet another Yama angst fic from me, this is a song fic to Ocean Soul by Nightwish which I was listening at 2:00 in the morning, I'm suicidal, I have been, and still am going through SM, so in all I'm fucking depressed and I haven't slept for three days. This is what happens when you put me in front of a computer in that state.

One more night

To bear with this nightmare,

What more do I have to say?

Crying for me was never worth a tear

My lonely soul is only filled with fear,

Long hours of loneliness,

Between me and the sea

I scream and scream and no one will ever hear me. Am I dead? It wouldn't make any difference. If I was dead I wouldn't stand here day after day holding the broken shards of a mirror in my hand. If I was dead I wouldn't scream and rip my arms to shreds. If I was dead it wouldn't make any difference.

I'm standing in the bathroom, glass in my hand my arms bloody and its starting to pool on the floor. The blood, rich and dark like wild berries. My blood is chop berry red. Look at me! I'm laughing, laughing like it's all some kind of sick twisted joke. And I can't stop myself; it makes the fury rise in me, deep and uncontrollable, like some kind of beast. My voice is cracking as I run out of breath because of my laughter. I hate this I hate it! I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE!

Losing devotion

Finding emotion

Should I dress in white

And search the sea?

As I always wished to be,

One with the waves,

Ocean soul

But I can't give it up. There's one thing that's keeping me tied down. I don't know what it is but it just won't leave me alone. I can't believe this; I'm on the floor, crying like some fucking baby! Why can't I just cut deep enough? Hard enough? Why can't I just let go! I don't want to keep going through this hell. Every damn day I go through it all again; the pain, the shame, the humiliation. And there's nothing I can do to make it stop. I want to die, cheat them of their victim but there's this one ray of light. This little niggling voice in the back of my fucked up mind that calls me away from the darkness I so want to embrace. I can even put a name to that voice; Yagami Taichi. The boy I'm in love with, so I'm gay, well shoot me, I couldn't care any less if I tried. Sometimes, sometimes I want to break and tell him everything, everything that I've been through.

Walking the tide line

I hear your name,

It's angels whispering

Something so beautiful it hurts

But I hate myself afterwards; hate myself for even thinking of showing weakness. Weakness is a way for them to get to me, and I can't let them do that. But they can already break me, and it makes me want to die more than anything else. I hate them, I want to rip out their guts, burn them alive, do something, anything to make them feel even a fraction of the hell they've put me through.

Suddenly I'm on my feet. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE! I'm screaming, screaming out all my pain and misery. It's so unfair, I shouldn't have to go through this, no one should. The tears are coming fast now, this is it. No more pain.

One wrist, open and bleeding.

I won't have to go through the abuse they throw at me. I won't have to suffer another rape. I won't have to wonder about my pitiful existence.

My right wrist is all pretty and red now, matching the other. I feel… fuzzy, it's nice… there's pain… yes, but it doesn't… hurt… in a normal way. Everything's… fading… many shades of… grey… darkness… peace… safety… warmth… I loved you Taichi… goodbye… no regrets… nothing…

I only wished to become

Something so beautiful

Through my music

Through my silent devotion.

A/N: Hummm… depressed me; depressed/suicidal/SM/Murderous characters.

Sorry if I bummed any of you out, but hey. Poor Yama. All feed back is welcome, even if you flame me, I won't pay any attention to nasty reviews but hey… they say all press is good press. Tami