As I stood on the lonely bridge, looking down at the water crashing onto the rocks below me, I thought of all I loved and hated, all I regretted and that had happened. Only one thought came to mind.
He stood in front of me, his brown hair swirling in the wind, his large blue eyes staring back at me in an unbroken gaze. His smile is as bright as ever. His hand was reaching out towards me so I could take it, but every time I tried he would suddenly become that little bit further away. No matter how hard I tried, I could never reach him and so I would be left in the darkness of my mind alone, only being allowed to stare at his wonder from afar. As I watch another girl approaches him. Her long brown hair flows and he looks into her brown eyes instead of mine. His hand turns to her and she takes it. There they stand in the light as I watch from the darkest corner. My one rock, my support during all the shit that's been going on around me, is gone and I'm alone to face the demons.
My sadness engulfs and surrounds me, forming into a cage-like shape. I crash into the bars of this cage. I try to scream, I try to shout, but any attempts of sound are absorbed into the sadness, re-enforcing the cage and making it stronger still. The cage grows stronger as I watch the two figures walk off into the distance together, hand in hand. I feel the tears run down my face and see them splash onto the ground. My demons crush the cage, forcing me to the ground. They engulf the cage and, in turn, engulf me but I don't care anymore. I don't try and fight back. I lie on the ground and cry myself to the eternal sleep I accept with open arms.
I open my eyes as my hands become too sodden to grip the bars of the bridge any longer. The tears fall to the cold ground as I move my hands away. My brown hair blows in every direction as the wind plays with it like a cat plays with a ball of string. I step back, considering going home, but then I remember the pain I will go through every day if I remain and my mind is instantly changed. I step forward again, this time placing my foot onto the railing of the bridge. I drag my other foot onto the railing and hold the lamp-post beside me for support. I can see the black, crashing waves even clearer now and notice that each rock below is jagged. It's perfect for my fall. I shut my eyes once more and take a few deep breaths. I can hear the rushing of the water and I hear it call my name.
I begin to lean forward but then I hear my name again. I know now this is not my imagination. My head slowly turns toward the direction of the voice. It's a voice I know, a voice I've longed to hear call my name. It's him. I see him in the distance and he's sprinting towards me. He still calls my name as I look back down at the water, considering whether or not to jump.
But something stops me.
I look back and I see him. He looks terrified. His brown hair rushing back, his face stained with tears, his beautiful blue eyes glistening, threatening to shed the remaining mass of tears wanting to fall.
He comes right behind me, panting but refusing to give in to the fatigue he feels. He reaches for my waist. his two, surprisingly, strong arms wrapping around me and pulling me back. I try to fight but my body becomes numb and any resistance is futile as my body relaxes in his grasp. We're both back on the solid ground now and he turns me so I look straight into those eyes; the eyes I loved to look into for months. I feel his shaking hands on my shoulders and I think he is thankful for having reached me in time.
"Thank…god….I got….here…" He pants.
He bends down trying to catch his breath. I try and figure out why he's here. If he's happy being with that girl instead of me then why is he here? If he hates me like I thought then why would he come after me?
"Anthony...what...what were…you thinking?" He asks me. He sounds desperate. Desperate to know why? Desperate to find a way of stopping me? I open my mouth to speak but I can find no words to explain my thoughts. So I think hard about what to say or what to do. But before I can do anything he lets go of me. I panic, thinking he's going to leave me again but instead I feel him wrap his arms around my waist in a tight hug, leaning his head on my shoulder. A hug that feels familiar, that I loved, that I missed. I hug him back, making him hug me tighter still. As I hug his shaking form, the wind dies down and everything around us becomes silent. All that I can hear is his breathing and his strong heartbeat. It warms my dead heart and I, for the first time in a year, feel the happiness that is my love for him. My best friend, my everything.
We stay like this for what seems like another eternity before he lets go. He steps back and stares into my eyes. I stare back and we have an understanding. An understanding of everything we've felt since the moment he was with her to the moment we are sharing now. He closes his eyes and sighs a little. I worry again thinking I've done something wrong but before I can react to his sigh he leans forward and kisses me. I am shocked for a moment but I get lost in the familiar, yet lost, sensation of his kiss. My eyes close as one of his hands pulls me closer and holds me there and the other hand holds my own. My free hand comes to rest upon his chest and we stay in that position, kissing and being together. We smile during our kiss and relive the happier memories of the year before
We stop and open our eyes in synchronization. We stare at each other once more and both smile again. He moves his hand from my back and wipes my dry tears and I think, how is it possible that one person can make me so sad and yet make me happier than I could ever imagine?
"Please…don't scare me like that again." Words he has spoken before, words that, strangely, make my smile grow wider. "I'm serious. Please, I can't lose you. I spent months trying to get over you and when I was with her….I thought I was over you but then I realized I wasn't and I realized how much pain you must have gone through. I mean I knew something was up but I didn't know it was like this! If I had known I could have been there."
All I could do was look down guilty. I never had confided in him like I should have.
"I called and called but you never answered and then your new roommate said you were out and….I don't know how but I knew you'd be here. I just had this feeling in my gut that you were in trouble and I thought of here. I ran faster than I have ever run before and sure enough I saw you standing on the railing. I was so worried I was going to be too late and you were going to be…..". Tears welled up in his eyes and he choked on the words because as he looked towards the railing, I knew he was imagining the scene in his head. The scene that would have played out if he had been too late. It hurt me to see him upset; it hurt like a dagger was cutting into my stomach and twisting my insides. I hugged him, trying to be reassuring.
"Ian, I'm sorry. I should have said something I know. But it was hard...But I'm going to at least try to get better. For us."
"And I'll be there every step of the way. But you know you'll have to let me in. To let me know what's going on. No more shutting me out." He said after clearing his throat. "We're in this together now."
He stepped back from me and the wind started up once more. As the wind began to play with his hair, he looked at me and held out his hand. I reached out, scared that this was only my mind playing tricks, but this time I touched his hand and held it. I felt the warmth of his hand against the cold of mine. This moment, it was real
We walked off the bridge, after I was reassured it wasn't a dream, hand-in-hand and as we walked we only needed to say two things.
"I love you, Anthony."
"I love you too, Ian."