Too Much
This was written really quickly because something just popped into my head.
Rachel's declaration last night of "I've never been this happy" felt like an insult to St. Berry. So I had to write.
Rachel felt like she was living in a soap opera. She never thought that things this dramatic and sad happened in real life. Just as she was beginning to build a solid relationship with her mother through weekly coffee dates, shopping trips, and frequent phone calls, someone had decided that it was enough. Those two years were all she was going to get. Ever.
Shelby was killed in a freak accident on a rainy Ohio highway late at night. Hydroplaning. Spinning. Crashing. Death.
Luckily, Beth had been left at home with the nanny, all safe and warm from the rain. Her mother had taken a well-deserved night off to celebrate the end of the school year. It was summer, and finally she would be free.
Shelby and Rachel had made big plans for the summer. Shelby was going to help her go shopping for all the stuff Rachel needed for her dorm room in the fall. Even if Rachel had two gay dads who doted on her and spoiled her, nothing compared to shopping with your mother.
But now Rachel was at the funeral, feeling very out of place. Not many people knew about Shelby's "other" daughter. Though Shelby was proud of her and told her often, they had never really opened their relationship up to anyone else. What they had built was personal and fragile, and quite hard to explain. So she stands there unknown to almost no one, ironically the only blood relative in the room.
She chides herself for not realizing that he would be there. He's front and center, as he always is. But this time, he's sharing the spotlight. He's holding Beth, and Rachel can see that her head is against his shoulder. She's quiet, but every once in a while, Jesse leans down to kiss her cheek, rub her hair or mumble something to her.
Rachel doesn't really have a relationship with Beth. Shelby would mention her from time to time in their conversations, but Rachel guesses that Shelby understood that she was a bit awkward around Beth (she was the daughter of her sworn enemy and tormenter after all). She wasn't quite a sister, but Rachel assumed that with time, as her and Shelby's relationship grew, that she would come to know her and love the baby as well. But time, it seemed, had been robbed from them and Rachel wasn't sure what the future held.
She hadn't spoken to Jesse since he left for college. She had no idea that Shelby and Jesse had maintained any sort of relationship, and again, Shelby knew better than to mention him.
He had been the casualty to developing her relationship with Shelby. After an initial apology, she and Shelby never talked about the means, the boy, that brought them together and, on her part, Rachel never let on how much both of them had hurt her.
Looking at him now in the chapel, she doesn't feel hurt. Frankly, she can't even remember half the things that she used to be so angry about. More important things have washed them from her mind.
The service is short, and somewhat impersonal. Except for Rachel and Beth, Shelby has no living relatives. The Carmel principal delivers the eulogy, which sounds like he wrote it from some internet how to guide. Rachel feels a sting of annoyance until she realizes that she couldn't have done it better, she didn't know Shelby well enough either.
At the end of the service, a man touches her shoulder, and asks her to come with him into one of the church's inner offices. On their way there, he calls Jesse over too. Jesse hands Beth to one of the older Carmel teachers, and follows them.
The man, a lawyer it seems, explains that Shelby left everything in her name to Beth, and a sizeable sum to Rachel. The last part is the kicker: in the event of her death, she left custody of Beth to Jesse. Seeing the look on Jesse's face, the lawyer starts to rationalize, saying how Shelby described Jesse as a son, how she knew that he loved the baby, and how he was the only one that she would trust who was over 18 at the time she wrote the will. She never expected to die this young. She didn't know that Jesse would actually be raising her child. The will also makes a special plea for Rachel to have a role in her sister's life, a role that Shelby never got to play for Rachel.
They are both in shock and they sit there in silence for a long time after the lawyer leaves. The elder teacher walks in to hand Beth back to Jesse, as there is no one else willing to take her. The little girl mentions that she is hungry, and this is what snaps Jesse back into reality. He kisses the top of Beth's head and asks Rachel if she would like to get something to eat.
They go to IHOP where they all eat pancakes, even though it's nearing 6pm. Beth and Jesse talk to each other in short almost nonsensical sentences, and he manages to make Beth giggle. Rachel is silent for the whole meal and doesn't even look up when Beth asks where her mommy is. Jesse pays the bill, and all three of them get back into the car and leave.
Without discussion, he drives to Shelby's and for the first time Rachel realizes that he has been driving Shelby's car with Beth's car seat in the back. His Range Rover is parked in Shelby's small driveway. Beth is practically asleep at this point, so Jesse changes her into her pajamas, brushes her teeth, and tucks her into her crib.
When he joins Rachel on the couch, she realizes that she hasn't said a word to him in 2 years and she doesn't know where to start. He grabs her hand, and holds it, his thumb rubbing circles on the top.
It's a long time before he speaks.
"Rach, I need you to tell me what to do."
"What?" She's pretty sure she sounds annoyed, even if she isn't. Mostly she's just confused.
"I've got school and I want to do something with my life and I can't be her dad or whatever, but she's so little and who else has she got? My father practically abandoned me to be raised by nannies and I won't do that to her. Shelby would have hated that."
She's pretty sure that he is crying, but she doesn't want to look at him to confirm it.
"I don't know what to say." She has no clue. She's searching her brain for this to all make sense and it doesn't.
He doesn't seem to care she doesn't know what to say.
"She always asks too much of me. First with getting close to you just to play you that damn tape, and then making me leave to go back to Vocal Adrenaline. And now with this, with Beth. How in the hell am I supposed to do this?"
He pauses, and the next sentence is almost a whisper.
"What if I end up hurting Beth like I hurt you?"
She looks at him. She can see the tears in his eyes. He looks down.
"She's never around to help me pick up the pieces after her damn plans ruin my life."
She takes his face in her hands, kisses his cheek.
She's not sure where this monologue is coming from, but she begins to babble.
"It's okay, you know, to not have it all figured out. It's okay to need help. It's okay to take chances, even if there's hell to pay."
He actually smiles when he realizes that's she's quoting Celine Dion. She smiles back, but then he's kissing her, and her mouth becomes distracted.
He mumbles to her in between kisses. "Tell me you don't hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"I love you. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but…"
He trails off, still kissing her. She knows he loves her. Don't ask her how she knows, but she does.
And she knows that he needs her, and she thinks she needs him. They have a lot to get through together.