The Supertroopers have taken off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Galaxy Ranger characters. It's really a shame they never did much with the Supertroopers in the series. Then again, maybe it's just as well. Something tells me that most of these guys aren't the crack super soldiers they think they are!
The Supertroopers Ride Again
"This meeting of the Supertroopers is now called to order!" Brainchild shouted. "I SAID ORDER!" Of course no one was listening to him. They were all too busy yelling at each other and arguing.
"Oh for crying out loud…" Brainchild pulled out a blaster and fired it several times at the ceiling. "KNOCK IT OFF YOU NUMBNUTS!"
"Fine," Kilbane snarled. He looked at the Supertroopers assembled with a disdainful eye (Gravestone, Chimera and Jackhammer). "What the hell are you up to this time Brainchild?"
"I'm glad you asked that Kilbane," Brainchild puffed up and took out a fresh cigar. "I've come up with another idea on how we Supertroopers can get some real power and begin our conquest of Earth!"
"Again?" Jackhammer groaned. "That's why you called us here?"
"Well why else would I call you here?" Brainchild snarled. "To throw a tea party?"
"It couldn't hurt if you offered sandwiches," Gravestone spoke. Everyone looked at him. "What? I'm just saying…"
"Gravestone shut the hell up and let the little troll speak," Chimera rolled her eyes. "And the sooner he does the sooner we can laugh in his face and leave."
"I can't wait to hear this one," Kilbane said sarcastically.
"Now I know my last plan didn't exactly go well…" Brainchild began.
"That's the understatement of the decade!" Jackhammer snapped.
"Hey the first half of the plan went perfectly," Brainchild told him.
"Yeah too bad the second half was pure crap!" Kilbane snapped.
"Brilliant idea having the transfer take place at Wolf Den," Chimera sneered. "A place armed to the teeth with weapons and all the activation codes right at Walsh's fingertips!"
"I didn't see you coming up with any brilliant counterattack plans!" Brainchild snapped.
"That's because you were too busy screaming like a little girl to listen! Not that you listen to anyone anyway! Which is an amazing accomplishment considering the size of your ears!" Chimera snapped. "I would think you'd be able to pick up stations on Mars with those!"
"I hate this," Jackhammer grumbled. "These stupid meetings are a waste of time. Every year you bark on the communicator and drag us down here for one of your stupid meetings to take over the universe or win some other kind of glory and all we usually end up doing is fight with each other. And watch Kilbane have some kind of hissy fit every time Gooseman is mentioned."
"And just what is that crack supposed to mean?" Kilbane barked.
"It means that neither you nor Brainchild here could lead a girl scout troop down a one way lane!" Chimera snarled. "There should only be one leader of the Supertroopers and that's me!"
"You?" Brainchild snorted. "Don't make me laugh! You don't have the skills to be a successful criminal overlord like I am!"
"Oh now I'm laughing!" Kilbane snorted. The other Supertroopers snickered as well. "That's about the funniest thing I have ever heard!"
"You? A criminal overlord?" Chimera barked with laughter. "Brainchild you run a mail order operation that specializes in catalogs out of Tortuna under an assumed name! The only reason you can walk around freely on the outer rim planets is because you don't look human! You don't even look like a Supertrooper! No one would ever suspect a grubby short little pink toad like you would be one of us!"
"You know perfectly well that I was designed to think more than fight!" Brainchild snapped. "I'm a strategist. That is my primary military function! And that mail order operation is just one of my many, many schemes that supply me with an endless supply of cash!"
"It also supplies you with many hookers who beat the crap out of you when they discover your credit card doesn't work," Kilbane snorted. "Remember that one who threw him out the window across the street and right into a water barrel! That was hilarious!"
"Oh yeah?" Brainchild snapped. "And what exactly have you geniuses been doing lately? Spectacular robberies? No? Oh unless you count the time Gravestone yanked open that vending machine selling cheap children's toys!"
"It didn't give me the toy car I wanted!" Gravestone snarled. "Besides I got over ten credits worth of money too!"
"Ugh…" Chimera rolled her eyes and looked at him.
"What? I gave you all those other toys," Gravestone looked at her.
"Oh so that's why you hang around with him all the time Chimera," Brainchild mocked. "He must be a great conversationalist."
"Of all of the Supertroopers you could have hooked up with, you had to pick him?" Kilbane snapped. "What's he got that I don't?"
"A bigger blaster," Chimera smiled. "And he knows how to use it. Besides at least he doesn't yak on and on about Gooseman every twenty minutes and how important it is to be better than him!"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Kilbane snarled.
"It means that for someone who is supposedly the best of the best you couldn't even handle the Runt! That's what it means!" Chimera snapped. "He's kicked your butt how many times now?"
"WHAT?" Kilbane was turning red.
"Oh no…" Gravestone groaned as he put his head in his hand.
"Here we go again…" Brainchild rolled his eyes. He glared at Chimera. "You just had to say that didn't you?"
"HE IS NOT BETTER THAN ME!" Kilbane shouted. "GOOSEMAN IS INFERIOR! INFERIOR! HE CAN'T EVEN USE HIS POWERS WITHOUT HIS STUPID IMPLANT! AND YOU SAY HE'S BETTER THAN ME? HE'S NOT!"
"Why do you invite him to these meetings?" Chimera gave Brainchild a look. "Seriously? Why?"
"Why do we even show up?" Jackhammer groaned.
"That little runt thinks he's so special," Kilbane ranted. "He's not so special! He's nothing! All he his is Walsh's stupid little pet lapdog running around on a leash! He's nothing! NOTHING!"
"Yes Kilbane, we know you hate Gooseman," Brainchild rubbed what there was of his nose. "We all hate Gooseman. But this is not the way to bring him down."
"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO BRING GOOSEMAN DOWN!" Kilbane shouted. "I WILL BRING HIM DOWN MYSELF WITH MY BARE HANDS!"
"Yeah right! You know I think I've just figured out the real reason neither Stingray or Darkstar don't come to these meetings," Jackhammer grumbled. "And I am starting to think they have the right idea!"
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Brainchild snarled.
"It means between your crackpot ideas, Kilbane's endless ranting about Gooseman and Gravestone's stupidity no wonder we're in the state we're in!" Jackhammer snarled. "We're supposed to be Supertroopers, the most dangerous warriors ever created. And what has happened to us? Look at this!" He pulled out a large piece of paper and slammed it down.
"What's that?" Kilbane asked.
"This is an updated list of the League of Planet's Most Wanted," Jackhammer snarled. "And most of us aren't even on it!"
"I'm on it," Kilbane snorted.
"Yeah dead last!" Jackhammer sneered at him.
"He's right, Kilbane," Chimera snorted. "You are number fifty on a fifty page list. Look at this, you got beat out by a cat man in multicolor tights. Hell even Nimrod is considered more dangerous than you!"
"Nimrod! That pussy?" Kilbane roared as he glared at the sheet. "He's number five? You have got to be kidding me! That cowardly lion reject on acid is considered more dangerous than me?"
"Let's face facts, we've become the laughing stock of the entire galaxy!" Jackhammer snapped. "Especially every time Kilbane gets his butt kicked by the Runt!"
"GOOSEMAN IS NOT BETTER THAN ME!" Kilbane roared as he tackled Jackhammer from across the table. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!"
"Here we go again," Brainchild groaned as the Supertroopers fought. "Another meeting another fistfight."
"As much as I hate to admit it, Jackhammer has a point," Chimera grumbled. "I even heard Darkstar say that she and Stingray were embarrassed to be Supertroopers!"
"Oh they did, did they?" Brainchild snarled. He slammed down his fist. "That's it! That is it! It's time the Supertroopers finally struck back at Earth and put those Galaxy Rangers in their place once and for all! And this time I have the perfect plan to do it!"
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In the darkness of space a large Crown warship cut through the darkness of outer space. That darkness was occasionally interrupted by a few explosions.
"This is a piece of cake!" Kilbane whooped as he piloted the warship. "I can't believe how little resistance we got taking over this thing!"
"I told you this would be a brilliant plan," Brainchild grinned as he sat in the command chair. "We steal this warship right from under the Crown's nose then use it to attack the planet Earth! It couldn't be any more simple!"
BOOM!
"Of course it would be easier if Gravestone didn't keep blowing up parts of the ship," Brainchild closed his eyes. "Gravestone what did you do now?"
"Uh I thought this button was a radio or something," Gravestone gulped as he pointed at a control panel. "It wasn't."
"Never mind," Kilbane shrugged. "We didn't need that extra engine anyway. This will be more than enough to blow BETA up to kingdom come! And then I'll finally destroy the Runt and…"
"CHANGE THE BLEEPING RECORD KILBANE!" Chimera screeched. "IF I HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT GOOSEMAN ONE MORE TIME…"
"LOOK ALL I WANT IN LIFE IS TO OBLITERATE GOOSEMAN FROM THE UNIVERSE! WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT?" Kilbane shouted. "I HATE THE GUY!"
"WE ALL HATE HIM!" Chimera shouted. "WE JUST DON'T GO ON AND ON ABOUT HIM TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY!"
"You know what? I almost wish Gooseman would freeze him just to get some peace and quiet around here," Jackhammer remarked. "Speaking of quiet didn't you think that this warship was unusually understaffed with Crown Agents. Or should I say lack of them?"
"Yeah I thought that was a little weird too," Gravestone scratched his head. "I didn't get to blow up or break enough of them. I wonder why?"
"Who cares?" Chimera snapped as she worked some controls. "Let's just go to Earth and destroy as much of that planet as we can!"
A loud explosion could be heard. "Now what?" Brainchild groaned. "Gravestone what did you touch now?"
"That wasn't me," Gravestone blinked.
"Hey we just dropped out of warp," Chimera noticed. "Kilbane what are you doing?"
"I didn't do anything!" Kilbane shouted. "The damn thing just shut off on it's own! I can't do anything with the controls!"
"Let me try," Brainchild got up from the chair and started to push several buttons. "He's right! They're frozen!"
"Uh is it me or is it getting brighter?" Gravestone blinked.
"We're headed straight for that sun!" Jackhammer shouted. "Kilbane what did you do?"
"IT WASN'T ME!" Kilbane shouted.
"WELL SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT WITH THIS DUMB PIECE OF…" Brainchild furiously tried to fix the ship. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?"
"It seems that you stumblebums have tripped up my trap," A familiar feline face bleeped in on the monitors.
"Nimrod you ninny!" The voice of the Queen of the Crown was heard. "YOU FAILED!"
"It's not my fault that these idiots took the bait before the Rangers did!" Nimrod pleaded.
"Bait?" Jackhammer's eye began to twitch.
"This plan was supposed to trap the Galaxy Rangers," Nimrod told them. "But I guess I'll have to settle for you to play my game. It's called, How Hot Is It?"
"Hold on? This trap was for Gooseman and the other rangers?" Kilbane had a look of murder in his eye.
"Yeah you know, send out a phony distress call, lure them in, fry 'em," Nimrod shrugged. "Oh well can't have everything!"
"I'll have your hide for this you feckless feline!" The Queen of the Crown shouted.
"Well you hate Kilbane too!" Nimrod protested. "At least you can fry him instead!"
"WHO CARES ABOUT KILBANE!" The Queen of the Crown shouted.
"WHAT? THAT'S IT!" Kilbane roared as he took out his blasters, shooting every screen and control panel in sight.
He also didn't seem to care if any of his fellow Supertroopers were in the way. "AAAAHHH!" Brainchild ran for his life. "KILBANE YOU NUT! YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL?"
"YOU'RE DOING A HALFWAY DECENT JOB BY YOURSELF!" Jackhammer roared. "YOU AND YOUR STUPID SCEMES!"
"MY PLAN WAS PERFECT!" Brainchild shouted.
"PERFECTLY STUPID!" Chimera shouted.
An alarm sounded. "Self destruct in five minutes…" The computer toned.
"AAHHH!" Brainchild screamed. "We gotta get out of here! There's got to be some escape pods!"
"Uh I think we only have one left!" Jackhammer noticed.
"So that's what I blew up? I mean…" Gravestone blinked. "Chimera where are you going?"
"OUT OF HERE! WHERE ELSE?" Chimera ran for the escape pod.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Kilbane roared as he and the other Supertroopers ran after her. "I'm using that escape pod!"
"Yeah right! Over my dead body!" Jackhammer shouted.
"Fine with me!" Kilbane growled.
"AAHHH! I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Brainchild screamed.
"Damn it!" Chimera shouted as they made their way to where the escape pods should have been. "They're aren't any escape pods on this thing at all!"
"Well that's why it's called a trap isn't it?" Brainchild said sarcastically.
"A TRAP YOU GOT US INTO!" Jackhammer lifted him by the throat.
"WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?" Brainchild screamed.
"YOU'RE THE TACTICIAN! THINK OF SOMETHING!" Jackhammer shook him violently.
"Hold on. I think I have something…" Gravestone noticed. "There's a pod right in here!"
"Good I'm going in!" Kilbane shouted as he shoved him out of the way.
"Oh no you don't!" Chimera shouted. Soon the Supertroopers scrambled over each other to get inside.
"GRAVESTONE YOU NINNY! THIS IS A GARBAGE DISPOSAL POD!" Brainchild screamed.
"Self destruct in one minute…" The computer toned. "Have a nice day."
"SHUT UP AND EJECT!" Kilbane shouted as he fiddled with the control panel.
FOOM! The garbage disposal pod shot out before the ship exploded.
"Well I got us out of that one," Brainchild grumbled as they floated away.
"OUT OF IT? WE'RE STILL IN IT?" Chimera shouted. "How much air do we have in this thing?"
"The good news is what I can figure out is that we've got quite a bit," Jackhammer grumbled. "The bad news is there is a lot of air and it's rancid!"
"Just what exactly is in this garbage disposal?" Brainchild held his nose. "I mean Crown Agents are androids right? What could possibly be used as garbage for them?"
"I don't want to know," Chimera grumbled. She fiddled with the control panel. "I think I can get a distress signal out. We wait for a ship to pick us up and hijack it!"
"Finally someone has a plan we can use!" Kilbane glared at Brainchild.
"This from Mister 'Let's Blow Up the Ship and Put it on Self Destruct!'" Brainchild shouted.
"I always knew Brainchild's plans stunk but this is ridiculous," Jackhammer grunted as he held his nose.
"Relax, sooner or later some poor fool is bound to rescue us and then we'll steal his ship and cargo," Chimera sneered.
"I hope so," Brainchild groaned. "At least maybe now we'll get something out of this other than a large dry cleaning bill!"
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Some time later on a news channel…
"And in other news a space ship freighter carrying poultry to the Planet Nebraska was hijacked," The reporter went on. "Who were the perpetrators behind this fowl plot? He he…We have on channel nine the exclusive black box recording for this answer."
There was a shot of two robots being chased around by the Supertroopers covered in garbage. "Come back here!" Kilbane shouted as he blasted his weapon all over.
"OW! OW! OW!" Brainchild was being pecked by several chickens. "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"
"WHAT IS THAT SMELL?" Chimera screamed off camera. "There's something on my boots…AAHH!"
"GET OFF ME YOU STUPID BIRD!" Jackhammer shouted as another chicken pecked him.
"I like this birdie," Gravestone didn't seem to mind one chicken pecking at his skull. "I will call him Fred."
"HOW ABOUT DINNER?" Brainchild screamed. He and the chickens attacking him were nearly fried by laser fire. "KILBANE! FRY THE BIRDS! NOT US!"
Somewhere on a distant planet.
"I tell you Darkstar," Stingray chuckled as he watched the news. "Breaking off from those losers was the smartest thing we ever did! And they call us wimps!"
Back at BETA Mountain.
"This is a bad day to be a Supertrooper," Shane Gooseman groaned as he watched the news in the rec room. "On the other hand that's not a bad look for Kilbane."
"The Board of Leaders aren't exactly laughing," Commander Walsh told him as he walked into the room.
"Let me guess?" Shane sighed. "They're complaining on how I haven't brought in any Supertroopers and they're threatening to throw me in the freezer if I don't bring them in aren't they?"
"Actually no," Walsh told him. "They told me to tell you to put the whole hunting down the Supertroopers on hold for a while. You're needed on a few high profile dangerous missions so that the Board feels they didn't completely waste their money creating the Supertroopers."
"You're kidding?" Shane blinked.
"I know," Walsh sighed. "Some of the Board of Leaders were asking 'This was the best you could make?' Or 'We were actually worried about these freaks?'."
"Oh boy…" Shane winced. "I'm going to be shot at a lot the next month or so aren't I?"
"I'm afraid so," Walsh sighed.
Meanwhile on another planet somewhere in the universe…
"Have I ever told you people how much I hate you all?" Chimera sneered. The Supertroopers were covered in garbage and feathers and surrounded by chickens in a large room.
"He's laughing at me…" Kilbane grumbled as he folded his arms, staring into nothing. "I can hear him…I can hear the Runt laughing at me!"
"Yes, Kilbane…" Jackhammer gritted his teeth. "Him and several billion other people in the universe!"
"He's going to pay for laughing at me," Kilbane's eye twitched.
"That's it," Jackhammer groaned. "I'm going to change careers. I'm going into something with sane people. Like the fashion or entertainment industry."
"Well at least we got all the eggs we want," Gravestone said optimistically.
"Oh go suck an egg!" Brainchild fumed. An egg hit him on the side of his large head. "HEY! KILBANE!"