The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out on a run. I just wanted an excuse for Ray to explore his bionics while bonding with Lana.
Run Ray Run!
In hindsight, Lana realized that suggesting an early morning run with a cyborg was a bad idea.
It was an even worse idea considering said cyborg had been recently re-paralyzed again for the third (or was it fourth?) time. And that cyborg had a lot of pent up energy.
"Oh come on…" Lana panted as she saw Ray zipping around the hills around Los Angeles like a demented Southern roadrunner.
Lana cursed herself and Ray for this entire situation. Mostly herself. She was the one who was looking for someone to take a weekly run in the first place.
"Nobody walks in LA, Lana!" Archer balked when she suggested it.
"One of the few things about this smog infested town that actually makes sense," Mallory agreed.
Neither Pam or Cheryl wanted to go for a run, choosing instead to exercise their mouths with eating as much groovy gummies and pastries as possible. Cyril was much too busy being the new head of the agency. And to be honest Lana really didn't want to spend time with her ex-boyfriend so she didn't ask him.
And there was no way in the world she was going to be alone with Krieger in an isolated area if she could help it.
So by process of elimination that left Ray who excitedly agreed to it.
That should have been Lana's first clue that this was a mistake.
She had heard the hills surrounding LA were a popular and quiet place people went to for exercise. However, it wasn't so quiet now.
"GO HERD!" Ray whooped as he ran in the distance.
"You just had to go on an exercise kick didn't you Lana?" Lana grumbled to herself as she gave up and simply started walking. She wore a sleeveless black T-shirt and black shorts and had a water bottle strapped to her belt.
"GONNA FLY NOW!" Ray was heard singing in the distance.
"You could spend this time either sleeping or being with your daughter," Lana grumbled. "Instead you are spending it with a hyperactive gay bionic lunatic!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOMMM!
"Hey Lana!" Ray zoomed over and stopped before her, reminding her again of a certain cartoon roadrunner. "What's taking you so long?"
The fact that Ray was wearing purple shorts, purple sneakers, a purple and blue windbreaker and a white T-Shirt underneath as well as a purple glove over his bionic hand only underscored the roadrunner idea.
"Some of us do not have bionic legs!" Lana snapped.
"Oh," Ray blinked. "Sorry. Was I going that fast?"
"Ray you were going so fast I could barely see you," Lana admitted. "Much less catch up with you!"
"Sorry," Ray apologized. "I was just enjoying myself so much I forgot…It just feels so good to move y'know?"
"Can we just slow it down and walk for a little bit?" Lana let out a breath.
"You're the one who insisted that we push ourselves to stay in shape," Ray reminded her as they started to walk.
"Well you're going to be pushing me in a wheelchair if you expect me to keep up with you at that pace," Lana groaned. "Ray I never saw you go that fast before."
"I didn't think I could go that fast before," Ray admitted. "I think I was even faster than Krieger's tests or the Krieglins incident."
"You would have broken the sound barrier if you had gotten any faster," Lana said.
"I've always liked running ever since I was a kid," Ray explained as they walked. "When I was little I'd run all over the woods barefoot without a care in the world. When I was in school I joined the cross country track team before I started skiing. I almost always won a medal. It was one of the few times my Daddy was actually proud of me."
"I didn't know that," Lana said.
"Not like I talk much about my past," Ray sighed. "I just like to run now. To enjoy just being able to move again. Especially now that I'm finally figuring out my bionics…"
"Pretty damn impressive how you can run so fast," Lana admitted.
"It's really kind of a rush," Ray admitted. "I can't believe I didn't think of it before now. I'm not even tired Lana!"
"So now you're our agency's version of Quicksilver?" Lana asked.
"Technically Northstar," Ray pointed out. "Only I'm Southern. Not Canadian."
"Does your body…feel any different?" Lana asked.
"Not really I mean…" Ray struggled to put it into words. "When I first got my bionics I could just pretend that everything was normal and could block it out. But when I got a black hand I just couldn't ignore it anymore. I mean it works fine it just…Reminded me that I've…changed. And it scared me."
"That's why you really freaked out about your hand," Lana realized.
"Because it was proof I was no longer normal," Ray shrugged.
"Ray, you were never exactly normal to begin with," Lana gave him a look.
"You know what I mean," Ray waved. "And you know what happened to Barry when he became bionic."
Lana frowned. "And Katya…"
"Katya may be a stone cold bitch but not nearly as crazy as Barry," Ray pointed out. "Or destructive. I don't want to hurt anybody Lana. Well maybe Archer sometimes. Or his bitch of a mother but still…"
"Ray I'm sorry," Lana let out a breath. "I should have made the connection."
"It's okay," Ray shrugged. "Like I said I'm used to it now. It's the new normal for me. Like coming out of the closet all over again and finding out who I am."
"You know you're nothing like Barry right?" Lana asked.
"I know but I could be if I lose myself," Ray frowned. "That really scares me Lana. That and another breakdown…"
"Can't say I blame you about that," Lana admitted.
"That's why I'm trying to be more positive about my bionics," Ray told her. "I feel better about myself every day so that's progress. Besides there are benefits to being part machine."
"I noticed," Lana smirked. Then she looked upward. "How high is this freaking hill anyway?"
"I have an idea," Ray told her. "Get on my back."
"What?"
"Come on, I'll give you a piggy back ride," Ray bent down.
"Uh are you sure?"
"Hell yeah! I want to see how fast I can go with extra weight," Ray said. "Uh no offense…"
"None taken. I get what you're saying," Lana reluctantly let Ray give her a piggy back
ride.
"Go Herd! Hang on," Ray smirked as he lifted her up.
The next thing Lana knew she was flying. Everything whizzed around her. "RAYYYYYYY!" She screamed in terror.
"Just don't throw up in my hair again!" Ray called out as he zoomed up the mountain.
"This was a bad idea!" Lana groaned. "Bad, bad idea!"
Before she knew it they stopped. "Here we are!" Ray said. "Damn girl either you got lighter or I got stronger…"
"Damn it, Ray," Lana groaned as he put her down. "A girl could get whiplash if you're not careful."
"Yeah but you gotta admit this is a pretty nice view," Ray pointed. They could see the entire city of LA below them.
"Well that's one way to get to the top," Lana groaned. "No offense Ray, but I think we should just walk on the way down."
"Okay let's just look at the view for now," Ray laughed.
"It is a pretty nice view," Lana remarked.
"Yeah the smog is really thin today," Ray quipped.
"Come on," Lana said. "LA isn't that bad. It's a chance to make a fresh start and a better life for all of us. Plus, AJ and I can see my parents more often. Berkley is only a car ride away."
"It's almost six hours away," Ray gave her a look. "And that's with no traffic."
"Yeah but still better than a plane ride," Lana rationalized. "Don't have to watch Archer drink the entire plane dry and hit on stewardesses."
"How does Archer feel about that?" Ray asked.
"Haven't exactly gotten around to discussing it with him yet," Lana admitted.
"Surprise," Ray rolled his eyes.
"You're just saying that because you're not getting any," Lana gave him a look.
"Maybe down there somewhere is a guy for me?" Ray asked almost wistfully. "Or two?"
"I promise once things settle down I'll help you find a guy that is as good for you as Archer is for me," Lana said.
"If you and Archer are the perfect couple, that is a serious argument for being single," Ray gave her a look.
"What do you mean?" Lana asked. "Things are good now with our relationship."
"Relationship?" Ray snorted. "Girl half the time you're fighting and the other half you're screwing. And for some weird reason Mallory still hasn't figured it out."
"Well you know how self-centered she is," Lana waved. "Too concerned about her own life and problems. And how much scotch is in her glass."
"Uh huh…" Ray gave her a look.
"What?" Lana asked.
"Look I get why Archer doesn't want his bitch of a mother to know about the two of you," Ray waved. "But…"
"Ray…" Lana warned.
"Don't you think it's time you two stopped playing this little game and just come out and tell her already?" Ray asked. "What kind of example are you setting for your daughter?"
"I know this Ray I just…." Lana sighed.
"The angry sneaky sex is just too good to give up huh?" Ray smirked.
"Ugh…" Lana groaned knowing Ray had her there. "We'll tell her. I swear. Eventually…"
"When? When she catches you and Archer balls deep in the closet?" Ray gave her a look.
"It won't happen like that!" Lana snorted.
"Wanna bet?" Ray asked.
"Ray…"
"Lana…" Ray said to her. "Look I get it. Dirty sneaky sex is fun. I'm the last person to judge you on that. Most of my relationships have been that. But I know you Lana and you're not going to be happy sneaking around forever."
"It's not forever…" Lana protested.
"When then? Until that old bat dies of liver failure?" Ray asked. "Lana we all know it's going to come out sooner or later. Better you come straight out than she catches you in some compromising position. And then all hell will really break loose!"
"I know Ray! I just…" Lana sighed. "Just let me handle it okay?"
"Okay but don't say I didn't warn you if this all backfires in your face," Ray pointed out. "Trust me I know from experience."
"It's not all sex and excitement you know?" Lana told him. "We do other stuff. Just the other day Archer and I went for a drive around LA. When he was test driving new cars."
"And checking out make-out point while you were at it?" Ray smirked.
"We did not!" Lana protested. "We just had a nice quiet drive."
"Seriously?" Ray gave her a look.
"Well maybe…?" Lana hesitated.
FLASHBACK…
"WHOOOO HOOOOO!" Lana cheered as she stood up in the yellow convertible as Archer drove up the side of the LA River…
"I finally get the Danger Zone thing!" Lana cheered.
"Took you long enough!" Archer called out. "Hang on!" He gunned the engine.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay so we had a joyride," Lana admitted. "It's not like we had sex in that convertible. Or the completely impractical joke he finally did decide on."
"He wouldn't let you have sex in it, am I right?" Ray smirked.
"No," Lana pouted folding his arms. "I hate that stupid Italian phallic symbol."
"Well if you ever do break up with Archer it would be a perfect place to have revenge sex in with Cyril," Ray teased.
"Ray!" Lana barked.
"Oh like you didn't already think about that at some point?" Ray gave her a look.
"God damn it," Lana groaned. "It's scary how you know me so well."
"So where did you two end up screwing?" Ray asked as they turned around and started to walk back.
"We didn't screw that afternoon," Lana said. "I can honestly say that."
"So you waited until five PM?" Ray gave her a look.
"Five thirty-three actually," Lana sighed.
"And where?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"The uh," Lana coughed. "Break room at the Ferrari dealership…"
"You little slut," Ray snickered.
"Shut up!" Lana punched Ray in the arm lightly.
"And I bet it's not even the most exotic place you two did it since we got here is it?" Ray smirked. "Come on! Spill it!"
"Twice in the party bus that brought us here," Lana admitted. "Once on the beach. Once in a beach house bathroom…"
"Damn girl," Ray whistled.
"A couple times in the broom closet at our new agency," Lana went on. "Once in a movie projection room…"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Ray gave her a look.
"We went to the movies for a date. The movie was shorter than we thought it would be," Lana admitted. "So we walked around and we went into this other projection booth which was running the latest self-indulgent crap from M Night Shyamalan and unmanned so…"
"So you did a little Blair Bitch Project?" Ray snickered. "No wait I have a better one…You had a sixth sense there would be a happening in your drawers?"
"I hate you," Lana groaned.
"Girl you know you love me," Ray preened. "Because you can never have me you settle for an asshole like Archer."
"Yeah, that's it," Lana gave him a look. "I am dying of jealousy of all other men…"
Both started to laugh. "I'm glad we did this," Lana admitted. "Even if you running around like a demented roadrunner was a little crazy."
"Girl you're dating Archer," Ray said. "You should be used to the crazy!"
"He's really getting better Ray," Lana protested. "Honestly. He didn't even crack any stupid walking puns when you got hurt during the whole Incredible Voyage rip off. I think he's taking his responsibilities a little more seriously now. Well as seriously as Archer can be but still…"
"Is that why you left AJ with him this morning?" Ray asked.
"He's really trying to be a good parent," Lana said. "Besides it's only for a few hours and he's with the others back at the agency. What could happen?"
"Seriously?" Ray gave her a look.
Shortly later back at the Figgis Agency…
"What the hell is going on here?" Lana shouted.
Archer, Pam, Cheryl, Krieger and AJ were in the hallway of the Figgis Agency. There were also several animatronic stuffed rider animals like the ones children ride on at the mall. AJ was on a tiger. And a lot of broken water balloons and whipped cream all over the place.
"Uh funny story," Archer smiled nervously. "See you know those things at the mall kids ride on?"
"You thought it would be a good idea for Krieger to make them and then have a water balloon/whipped cream fight?" Lana groaned.
"Okay here's everything wrong with that statement," Archer said. "A, technically Krieger didn't make them. He only rented them from someplace."
"Okay here's everything wrong with that statement," Krieger corrected. "Technically I didn't rent them as much as…borrowed them."
"So you decided to have AJ ride on stolen moving animal rides…" Lana groaned. "And then have a whipped cream and water balloon fight?"
"Okay here's everything wrong with that statement," Pam spoke up. "Technically they are not balloons. But other than that…"
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Cyril yelled as he walked in. "What is all this mess in my agency?"
"I was just asking Cyril," Lana snapped. "I left my daughter with Archer and the idiots for some exercise with Ray…"
"Seriously a total waste of time walking in LA," Archer rolled his eyes.
"You really want to talk about time wasting with me?" Lana barked.
"Technically AJ and I are bonding," Archer said as AJ happily rode the fake tiger.
"And making a huge mess in my agency!" Cyril wailed at all the whipped cream and water everywhere. "Are those…Condoms? You made water balloons out of condoms?"
"And a few whipped cream ones," Archer nodded.
"This is just like the La Brea Tar Pits incident when you got us all banned for life!" Lana barked.
"It was worth ruining a couple hundred-dollar suit just to see AJ smile," Archer admitted. "And we got some good pictures of me on that mastodon."
"So did security…" Lana grumbled.
"Lana in the future perhaps you shouldn't leave your child in the care of my child?" Mallory snapped as she emerged from her office.
"Why didn't you stop them?" Cyril shouted at Mallory.
"Why should I?" Mallory shrugged. "I'm not in charge anymore, remember?"
"It's pretty interesting when you do admit to not being in charge," Cyril gave her a look.
"Uh duh! When it's convenient for her," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I mean why do you think she doesn't bitch as much as Mr. Archer? If anything goes wrong you get arrested by the cops and she walks away Scott free! And why should Scott be free?"
"Wait what?" Cyril did a double take.
"Interesting that you figured it out and he didn't," Pam remarked to Cheryl.
"Archer why did you do this?" Lana glared at her secret boyfriend.
"I thought it would be better than taking AJ to the park," Archer shrugged.
"You thought having our child riding around the office on stolen animatronic animals while you, Krieger and the Brain Dead Twins over here had a whipped cream and water balloon fight with condoms in our brand new agency…" Lana fumed. "Was better than just taking her to the park?"
"Well when you say it like that…" Archer admitted.
"Ha!" Mallory scoffed. Then a condom filled with water hit her from behind.
"Oh come on!" Cheryl laughed, clearly the one who threw it. "It's not like you've never had a condom break on you be…"
With a roar Mallory tackled Cheryl and started to strangle her. At almost the same time Lana tackled Archer and started to strangle him. Krieger and Cyril decided that Cheryl was more valuable and tried to pull Mallory off Cheryl who was clearly enjoying herself. Pam took out some whipped cream and squirted it in her mouth. Then she fed some to AJ who squealed with delight.
Ray just stood there watching the chaos unfold before him.
"Some days I think I should just run out that door and keep on running…" Ray groaned as he walked away.