Time
Space
Void
Light
Mind
Heart
Rage
Hope
Doom
Life
Blood
Breath…
Long ago, back when there were only the gods, there was nothing, except for the gods. Since these gods had the mixed personalities of all other gods, they got tired of each other in approximately 1 year. Of course since time wasn't made yet it was more like 1 infinitieth of a second. So they made the aspects.
Time so that they could feel emotions and record who took out the trash last and when.
Space so that they could actually go into other rooms instead of being cramped in a one-bedroom apartment that no one knows where it came from.
Void incase any of them needed to be banished, and in time, they would all make the void their home.
Light so they could actually fucking know where they were going.
Mind so they could lose theirs in time.
Heart so they could forgive.
Rage was made almost as soon as the gods were, because, you know, they immediately began fighting.
Hope that they could reconcile one day.
Doom because why the fuck not.
Blood so that they could be united.
And Breath, to help them find their way.
They made a lot more than that but those are the only ones that matter.
This is a story about one kid. This kid did a lot of things, things like: Saved a salamander from complete destruction. Traveled through universes. Saved a planet from complete destruction. Stopped the zombie apocalypse. Found legendary weapons. Saved the multiverse from complete destruction.
This is the story of how he did that, while fighting: A tree. A puppet. An evil space queen. An immortal juggalo. And an indestructible time demon that wants to destroy the multiverse.
He didn't necessarily do it in order though.
John
Date: September 27, Year 1
Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
Wait shit that's wrong. It's more like a couple planets over and three days ago.
Properly named "Planet of Clouds and Oil" because of the dark clouds that float in the atmosphere and the oil that flows like rivers. The name was given to it by Jake Harley, a human adventurer, who, after exploring every part of his planet, got bored and started exploring every part of other planets. The name of his planet is important but not relevant right now.
What is relevant is our hero, who mysteriously made it to this planet by means of Space-Time travel and some dream manifestation. If this was a book called "The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy" there'd probably be some bullshit I could write in half an hour while drunk on red bull that would somehow be hilarious but this is not The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That would be fucking awesome though.
In the planet of clouds and oil, lies a hidden temple where our hero has suddenly found himself in. You know our hero as John Egbert. The legends, however, refer to him as Zoosmell Pooplord. Zoosmell sat up and looked around him. The temple was made of a mineral called zillium, a fact Zoosmell didn't know how he knew. He just did. The zillium was constantly swirling in a green and red pattern all around him. He stood up and noticed a figure sitting on a throne. They were horribly disfigured, with dark green skin and a face so thin it looked like it was only a skull. Who knows? Zoosmell couldn't tell what their clothes looked like because they changed with the colors. That's when he heard the voices.
"yoU are given a choice john egbert."
"YOu WILL KNOW WHEN YOu MuST CHOOSE."
"WwHhOo WwIiLlLl YyOouU CcHhOoOoSsEe?"
Their words screamed in his mind as he curled up in a fetal position on the floor. Tears stained his face and he was pretty sure he pissed himself.
"Vekiĝu" that word cut through his mind and he woke up from his nightmare.
His pants were stained with piss and his left hand was in a bowl of warm water. There was a shitty .jpeg drawing of a mustache on his face. This could only mean one thing.
"striiiiideeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr!"
It had been three days since the dream and John was starting to think the whole thing was a nightmare and nothing else. Until his creative alchemy class.
John got out his notebook from his Backpack Specibus and started writing what was on the projection board as the teacher, John's dad as a matter of fact, explained it. The topic was the types of Grist and what they were used for.
Around him, there were other students doing their own things. Two kids and a troll were talking about the latest episode of How I met your Lusus, Rose and Kanaya were passing notes to each other, Jade was doodling, Karkat and Eridan were talking about romcoms, and Gamzee was, doing whatever the fuck he normally does.
Honestly, Mr. Egbert didn't give a fuck. He had been teaching for ten years and was already burnt out. He was a really chill guy and let most things slide, but if you hurt him or his family then you should watch your back like a mother watches a baby playing in a knife factory.
Then, the projection screen changed to a material that John shouldn't have known, but did.
"And this, is zillium. It is the rarest and most powerful kind of grist. There are two types of zillium. The first, which is more common, is called shiny zillium. The reason it's more common is because there's a way to alchemize some, but it is dangerous. Before we get into that, let's talk about pure zillium. Pure zillium is most known for the legends attached to it. It is said that each universe has an opposite counterpart. In each universe, there are creatures known as cherubs who live somewhere no mortal can follow. Two cherubs always share the same body, until one dominates the other, effectively killing the weaker one. In one universe, one cherub dominates, and in the other universe the other cherub dominates. Now, let's move on to the uses of zillium."
John felt like he was seeing things. The whole room seemed to disappear except for the zillium. He had to leave.
"Excuse me dad, may I please leave to go to the bathroom?" John asked.
"Be back in five minutes." John was out the door in five seconds.
John splashed his face with water and got water all over his shirt. He knows that happens every time he just fucking throws water at his face but he does it anyways. It's like tape. You know that if you play with it for too long your fingers get all sticky but you still do it. Nobody knows why but you still do it. That's why this is an intervention to get you to stop playing with tape. You're still doing it stop that. Fine, enjoy your sticky fingers and keep reading.
John picked up his glasses from the sink and put them on. He walked back to the classroom still shaken about what just happened. When he got there, Gamzee was passing around some grist for everyone to alchemize with. John sat down on his seat and reviewed the grist that he had received. His grist bag contained 20 build grist, 5 diamonds, 10 quartz, 1 shiny zillium and 1 pure zillium. Oh Shit.
"Um, dad. What am I supposed to do with today's grist?" John asked nervously.
"Impress me. I put some strong ones in the bags today but it's nothing any of you can't handle." John's dad said while reading a magazine. "I know you'll do well John, you're a natural."
John swallowed his fear and some puke and got to work. He inserted the grist in the Alchemiter and started designing. He wanted to make something simple, so simple that it couldn't possibly be dangerous.
"There's no place like home…" he muttered to himself. He alchemized a simple house. It was flat and colored a bright green that felt comforting. It was as if John could just climb in it and be safe. It wouldn't hurt to touch it right? John gave it a small tap. Nothing. He slowly started to put his hand in it. If something was happening he didn't feel it. In fact, he didn't feel anything. He tried to pull his hand out but it wouldn't budge. He closed his eyes and accepted fate…
John opened his eyes slightly. He wasn't in the classroom anymore. He opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a jungle. There were pumpkins everywhere. A gun was pointed at his head.
"You're coming with me. Now."
Hoooooooly fucking shit is this overdue. The last version was shit out of the mind of a child who knows nothing of plotting. Now, there's an actual plot and even better writing. By that I mean less shitty jokes per chapter and more jokes suitable for a fanfiction of this caliber. I'll try to have an update schedule but school might get in the way. Expect the next chapter in a week or two.