Nope, they're still not mine...
Set after ‚Chaos and the Stillness of it'.
While not lying
Just saw the recordings, Beka... You know, the ones Rommie made during Burma's attack.
Strange, wasn't it, how she thought the password was ‚Rommdoll'? And Doyle... ‚Dreamdoyle'? Granted, she's a dream, but... ‚Dreamdoyle'?
Even Trance, who watched the recordings with me, told me afterwards that she thought she could have been able to override my locks, since she believed that my password was ‚Purple'. Go figure!
I love them all, really, I do, but: Doyle is so Seefran, it's frightening. And Rommie I am but slowly getting reacquainted with. While Trance I don't even recognize most of the time anymore.
You found out, haven't you? Of course it was ‚Valentine'. I could see you found out, it was in your happy grin. I love your grin, Beka... Did I ever tell you that? Sorry, I'm rambling, but... I can't help myself. You can't imagine how I felt seeing this grin again and knowing that... that it was about me! I missed it, Beka, I miss you...
Yes, I know. We're good again. Still: I keep wondering what you think about what happened, when you're going to ask me about the past three years I spent alone on Seefra. I can see the questions in your eyes, I know that I should answer them, but I can't...
I'm glad, somehow, that you haven't ask them yet. I don't know what I'd have said. Crap, probably. How can I answer you honestly about Doyle, about Marika?
I'd be lying, if I'd tell you that I didn't like her, that I didn't like obeying her... I'd be lying and you'd know it. I'd be lying, would I tell you that she was just one of those women passing through... She wasn't.
After Arkology I was lost on Seefra. I would have been lost everywhere, but here I was more lost than ever. She was there, to catch me while I was falling, to help me up, to keep me close to her, even if it was in a place where you were no longer waiting for me...
On Arkology I was crying for help, looking for a hand to cling to, your hand... But then I was on Seefra. And it was her hand I found. And so I let her hand turn the page to open another chapter of my life.
I couldn't help myself, Beka... On Arkology I felt like a bird shot down from the sky, asking itself while falling why the hell it had to choose this route instead of another... And when I found myself on Seefra, you weren't there. None of you were.
Yes, I know, it was Dylan's fault. But we can't blame him, can we? He was trying to do the right thing, and he almost died trying. Well, he's a hero, isn't he? And isn't that what heroes are supposed to be doing? Except: he didn't die. He somehow never does. Not that I'm wishing for it. I don't. But he never does. And it's not for lack of trying. It's just: in the end, the universe always seems to be on his side. The universe and you...
While I was searching for your hand... were you holding his? I'll never ask you that. You'd say no – and you'd be lying. And I'd know and blame you for it, even more than I'm blaming you now for always standing by him, when you should be standing by me.
You think I'm petty, selfish, mean? Maybe. I know that he took the blame, I know that he accepted responsibility for what happened and sacrificed himself for us. I was there, remember? And I know that you took the blame and accepted responsibility for us and him, too. And I know that I didn't. As didn't Rhade. So what else is knew? He's Nietzschean, I'm a kludge, we'll never make it all the way up to your and Dylan's impressive standards. I admire you both for it, but... I'd be lying if I wouldn't admit getting a bit tired of it, too. Don't you ever get tired of it, as well?
It's Trance's fault. She brought us here. And she screwed up... I know, I know, she couldn't help herself. And she saved our lives. And yet, I can't prevent myself from blaming her, somehow. Why did she have to screw up? I mean, she is a sun, right? Abnd not just any sun, she is Tarn Vedra's sun, dammit. That should be enough to make her deadly accurate. And yet she screwed up. Probably hoping that there still will be others to help along, if she did: Rhade, Dylan, you.
Where were you, Beka? Why did you let it happen? Oh yes, I blame you, Beka, just as I blame Rhade for having stayed with Louisa, Trance for screwing up, Dylan for having stubbornly insisted we help Arkology, Rommie for letting herself be destroyed by Magog, me for not having been stronger... I'd be lying if I said we're good again. Deep down we're not, I'm not and I know it... I'd be lying if I said we were. Just as I was lying to myself when I thought us all so safe in our friendship, so closely knit together - back in the days before Arkology.
But I've seen your grin, Beka. And now at last I hope that someday we'll be good again...