I'm drowning.
Drowning in what?
Drowning… drowning in air. Drowning in my own… blood…"Goku? How are you this morning?" Hakkai asked him brightly. It took Goku several moments to realize someone had been speaking to him.
"What?" he croaked out pathetically. His voice sounded so used, so broken. So unlike him. As he blinked away the daze in his eyes, he remembered he was back. Back in his hell and his heaven. Next to his sun. Next to the people he loved, and who loved him. Still, he felt broken, dirty. Stained. And it was his entire fault. Homura. The god of war had broken him. Destroyed him. Left him in such a confused daze he didn't know up from down from left. He was so disoriented these days, and he had no idea what it was Homura had said to make him that way.
He had been kidnapped. Used. Abused. Raped. It was then Homura had left him. Tossed aside like a doll that had served its purpose. Left him for Sanzo to find. He remembered looking up at the blonde, blood seeping from several parts of his body. He remembered vaguely being in pain. Remembered sobbing and crying incoherent things to his sun. The man just stared, anger boiling beneath the surface. Waiting, wanting to strike and beat Homura to nothing but a small, insignificant speck of blood on the ground. He knew the man that much. But instead, he sat with his anger, taking it out on anything that had come close to him.
Still, Goku's ears rung. He could hear the whispered murmurings of the man who had stood before him. He could still hear his words pounding, smashing on the back of his skull and giving him a headache. "You will come back to me. Because I'm the only one who can cause and cure your misery."
"Oh," Goku mumbled softly when Hakkai's words finally sunk in. "Uh, okay I guess." His friend's eyes were drawn to him, creased with worry and pain. They didn't want their friend to be sad. Goku knew it. But he couldn't keep himself from gazing at his hands, ignoring everyone else unintentionally.
"We're worried about you, monkey," Gojyo admitted in an elderly brother kind of way. He could always depend on Gojyo for that. "Speak up. Eat something for crying out loud. This silence is driving me crazy."
Goku's eyes trailed up to the breakfast table in front of him, a soft frown touching his lips. It all made him sick. He couldn't stand to force anything down. He just couldn't. Silently, Goku stood from the table, soundlessly heading from the room.
Sanzo had let out a small inward sigh, folding his newspaper and standing. All but ignoring his half-finished coffee, he turned and headed after his distressed monkey.
He found the boy in his room, staring out the window with a melancholy expression. He wished he would just rid the boy of that expression. He hated to admit it, but it broke his heart to see. He wanted back the boy he'd fallen in love with. The happy, exuberant boy who wouldn't shut up, even when his mouth was stuffed with food. This empty shell was nothing but a ghost of the happiness he once had. Sanzo crossed the room silently, taking a seat next to the boy and pulling him into his lap. A comforting, soothing gesture that said more then words could.
Goku settled back into the man's grasp, resting his head back against his broad shoulder. He wanted to seek comfort from his sun. To bask in its radiance in the hopes that it would cure him. But it would not. He was stuck in his misery and terror with no way out. Reliving the horrible incidents over and over in his mind. Still, he tried to seek comfort. He cuddled back into the man. Absorbed his warmth. Listening to sweet nothings the man whispered to him. He loved hearing them. They were reserved for him. No one else heard Sanzo speak this way. It was all for him. He whispered things back as well. "I'm sorry" and "I love you" passed his lips numerous times, and he meant it. He was sorry he let Homura get him. He was sorry that he had been dirtied and broken. He was no longer fit for Sanzo. He was no longer good enough.
He loved Sanzo. Loved him with all his heart. Loved him so much that being out of his arms for a day made an ache settle in his muscles. He knew that Sanzo loved him too. That's what the had. True, real love. Homura did not love him. He lusted after him. Wanting him only to break and ruin his state-of-mind. Sanzo wanted to care for him. To be with him. Homura didn't. Homura wanted to hurt him.
He pulled himself out of Sanzo's grasp, feeling discomfort in his arms. He didn't belong there. He was now degraded, dirtied. He was not worthy enough to be in the man's arms. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. He dimly became aware of the wetness trailing from his eyes. "Sanzo," he breathed, watching the confusion mar his lover's face. "I'm sorry."
And then he left. He turned, half-running down the hallways to get away. Get away from Sanzo. Away from it all. As he heard the door open behind him, and Sanzo shout out to him in confusion and worry, Goku ran faster. He was far faster then the monk. He wouldn't be caught. He raced past Gojyo and Hakkai, who stared after him dumbfounded.
He pushed the doors open, and raced out into the early afternoon. He ran and he ran, unsure what it was exactly he was running from. When he finally stopped, everything burned. His lungs, his legs, his arms, everything. He closed his eyes, letting the stinging sensation prick at his eyes. As his breathing began to relax, his legs gave out under him and he sunk to the ground, bringing his knees to his chest and burying his face in his hands.
"See?" cooed a shockingly familiar voice. Goku's entire body flinched when he heard it. "I knew you'd come back to me."
Reluctantly, Goku looked up, meeting a pair of mismatched eyes that he loathed and craved. Why was a sudden relief and fear welling up in his chest at the sight of this man? Why didn't he just scream and kick and run? He simply sat there, staring, wide-eyed. His mouth went dry. What should he say? Should he kick and scream for Sanzo? Should he fight until he was beaten and bruised? Goku found all he could do was stare with his mouth hanging open slightly.
Homura leaned down, inches from Goku's face. A small smirk caught his lips. "Come back with me Son Goku. We have much to catch up on." And then the god of war turned, and walked away. Leaving him a crumpled heap in an attempt to catch his breath.
He should've stood. Should've run and never looked back. But he didn't. He had the stupidest reaction of them all. Slowly, he stood, and continued to head after the man that beat and bruised him. Who wanted him for nothing more then his body. Who didn't love him.
Meanwhile walking away from the man who did love him, with no explanation or goodbye.
So Goku hung his head, and walked like a solider to his death. Why? Why was he suddenly drowning, choking on his own tongue? He was drowning in confusion and self-hatred.
He continued to walk away from the best thing in his life, towards the man who intended to break him a second time.
A/N: Where did this come from? Oh well. I enjoyed writing it during school hours. Sorry if this is random and weird, but I wanted to write a SanzoGokuHomura thingy. Enjoy.