Hi! Klaine Is My Life here! Thanks for clicking on this! So this is a collab fic with my wonderful, amazing friend OhMyGagaIt'sKlaine. We wrote this chapter together, but from the next one on we will alternate writing each chapter. We hope to update fairly regularly, but we'll see how that goes...This story will have crack-y elements, but there is an actual storyline. Although it centers around the baby, there will be plenty of Klaine goodness, I promise. Please leave us your thoughts! It would mean a lot to us!
Chapter One
IN WHICH BLAINE SEES A FEW THINGS HE WISHES HE HADN'T
Finn Hudson was not bright. This was a simple fact of life in the Hummel-Hudson home. Carole, Kurt, Burt, and even Blaine had just learned to accept it. Kurt no longer questioned Finn's ugly sweater vests. And Carole learned to use Finn's stupidity as a tool for motherly purposes. (She once told Finn that eating cookies without permission would give him Hepatitis B.) And Burt finally stopped drilling Finn on Mellencamp trivia.
Kurt and Burt had both embraced Finn's stupidity. (Carole did not need to do this. She had already become accustomed to it.) Kurt and Finn would play Halo 3 and Shopping Wars together, even though Kurt claimed video games turned your mind into glop. Burt and Finn would spend hours watching ESPN sometimes. Kurt would invite Blaine over on those days. They would try on each other's bow ties during this time. But eventually they would have to leave for the mall, because Burt and Finn's whooping was much too irritating.
But no one had really prepared themselves for the statement that left Finn's lips. How could they, though? Finn was kind of unpredictable.
After watching his mom barf into the toilet, he became very worried. But of course he was upset about his mother's vomit. It was gross for one thing, but it also meant his mom was ill. The plots and possible scenarios began to form in his head, and the answer to his mother's sickness was so obvious.
So, at the dinner table that night, Finn decided to break the news. "Mom... I think you have malaria." Finn said bluntly, not expecting Kurt, Carole, and Burt's bewildered expressions.
Carole paused as she wiped her mouth with a napkin. Kurt stared, mouth agape, at Finn. Burt just scrunched his eyebrows and wondered when this boy had been dropped on his head.
"Finn... do you even know was malaria is?" Kurt asked, shooting Finn a peculiar face.
"No... But I heard it's a problem in Africa... and we just saw Lion King..." Finn reasoned, "The point is, my Mom is sick. And all of the symptoms point to Malaria. Puking, mood swings, weird cravings... the signs are there, Kurt."
Kurt sighed, "That sounds nothing like malaria, Finn. It sounds more like Carole's pregnant. But that can't be it. I mean, she's way too old."
"Kids, we have some big news." Burt intervened, knowing he and Carole had planned to deliver the good news later. But of course Finn had to suspect something like Malaria. Although Burt could see the boy's reasoning. Burt had fallen asleep at the nine o'clock showing of the Lion King, and he couldn't remember how the dad lion died. Maybe it was Malaria... geez, now that he thought about it; malaria was a little terrifying to Burt. Perhaps he would clarify with Carole that she was definitely malaria free.
"Ok. Go on!" Kurt urged, interrupting Burt's train of thought. Carole smiled nervously and took Burt's hand.
"Well...we're going to have a baby." Carole said. Kurt's jaw dropped. Finn's brows knit together, and it appeared that he was in deep thought. For Finn, anyway.
"Wait. All of us are pregnant? How does that even work?" He asked, frowning in confusion. Three heads turned to stare at him for the second time that evening. Kurt marveled at the stupidity of his step-brother. Finn continued to look puzzled. Kurt sighed; realizing neither Burt nor Carole was going to reply to Finn.
"No Finn...your mom is pregnant, the other three of us, however, are not. Understand?" Kurt said slowly, gesturing toward Carole. Finn's mouth formed an "O" in realization. Kurt rolled his eyes and snapped out of his "patient preschool teacher" personality that he often used with Finn and jumped into his "excited diva" mode instead. He turned toward Burt and Carole, who were shaking with silent laughter.
"Oh! That's amazing, you guys! I can't believe it! I haven't heard such fabulous news since I found out Lady Gaga was coming to Cleveland! How far along are you?" Kurt asked, his voice reaching even higher pitches than usual due to his elation at the thought of becoming an older brother. Visions of purple and yellow nurseries, onesies, and tiny feet swirled through his head.
"Seven-" Burt began.
"No Burt. Eight weeks." Carole interrupted.
"What? I really think it's seven."
"I am the one with something growing inside of me. I'm pretty sure I know how long it's been in here." Carole deadpanned. Kurt squealed again.
"Alright, I get full rights to planning the baby shower and nursery, right? We all know I'm the most capable person in this house for the job." Carole giggled and nodded.
"Wait, so if Mom's pregnant, then that means that her and Burt-" Finn began, his eyes widening.
"OK! Who wants dessert?" Burt said loudly, standing up.
"Ooh! Me!" Finn said, waving his hand in the air like a kindergartener. If there was one thing that distracted Finn, it was food. "Do we have chocolate ice cream?" Carole laughed nervously.
"Uh, I sort of finished it off this morning." She admitted sheepishly.
"Wait, we bought that last night." Finn said.
"Well yeah, I was really hungry and-"
"Mom! You don't even like chocolate ice cream that much! Why would you eat all of it?" Finn asked. Kurt tried to be patient with Finn, he really did. But in moments like these, it was very hard not to swat him on the head. But, being the classy person that he was, Kurt refrained.
"Finn, do you know what a craving is?" Kurt asked slowly, making sure Finn understood the question.
"Isn't that when a pregnant woman-Oh..." Finn said, smiling as everything started to make sense.
Kurt, immediately after dinner, rushed upstairs to call his boyfriend and tell him the marvelous news. Blaine picked up on the third ring, like always. He would take the first one to find his phone and the second one to realize it was Kurt who was calling. Sometimes he'd answer on the fourth because he started thinking about Kurt and his perfect, yet distracting, hair.
Yes, Blaine has a very short attention span when Kurt is thrown into the mix of things.
"Hey, love. I-"Blaine began, but Kurt hurried to interrupt him.
"I have the best news ever!" He squealed, not even caring how high pitched his voice had become.
Blaine gasped, nearly falling from his chair. "Lady Gaga is coming to Cleveland again? Kurt we have to get tickets!"
"I never thought I'd say this, but my news is better than that!"
"KATY PERRY IS COMING TO CLEVELAND?"
"No... That news wouldn't be nearly as good." Kurt rolled his eyes. As much as he appreciated Katy Perry for introducing him to Blaine with Teenage Dream, he found her songs tacky and slightly dumb. But he'd never tell Blaine that. It'd break the poor boy's heart to learn Kurt hated his idol.
"We're getting married?" Blaine offered.
"Aw!" Kurt smiled. (Yes, no one could see his teeth. So what?) "Sadly, no. Well, not yet. However, this news is a family milestone.
"Please don't tell me you're pregnant..." Blaine's eyes widened. He hadn't even been to Kansas, home of the tornado that took Dorothy to Oz, yet! He wasn't prepared to be a father.
"You're getting closer..." Kurt slyly grinned.
Kurt fell into his fluffy vanity seat, popping the cap of his moisturizer off. He lathered his face in the green crème, closing his eyes and listening to Blaine's voice and trying to match his words with different expressions. Kurt adored the way Blaine's eyebrows furrowed or his lips curved into a dreamy smile.
"We're adopting? Wait, am I pregnant? Kurt, this isn't good. I mean, we're both men."
"Oh my Gaga!" Kurt said, exasperated as he slammed the cap back onto the moisturizer bottle, and snapped him away from his peaceful reverie. "No, Blaine. Carole is pregnant!"
There were various crashing noises pouring from Kurt's phone. He became concerned when he heard the loud thumps. He might have heard a hiss or two, also.
"Blaine? Honey? Are you ok? Did you trip?" Kurt asked, worried Blaine had been climbing on furniture again.
Kurt heard the rustle of papers and, perhaps, Blaine swearing some off-color words. He thought he picked up "paper cut" somewhere in there too.
Blaine's voice was far off in the distance, "This is great Kurt! Oh, I'm so excited!"
Kurt squealed quite unmanly like, but frankly, he didn't care. "I know! I'm going to be a big brother!" Kurt thought for a moment, worried for his boyfriend. "But could you come back to the phone? You're worrying me."
"I can't! I dropped it out of giddiness... and now I can't find it."
"Oh, Blaine... cut down on the coffee. You know what, just come over here. That way I can be sure of your well-being." Kurt smiled slightly, thinking of being around Blaine.
"I'll be there as soon as I can!" Blaine said hurriedly, but added, "I love you so much, Kurt."
Kurt chuckled slightly, "I love you too." There was a long silence as Kurt held the phone to his ear. "Um... hello? Ok, I'm going to hang up now."
Kurt could hear Blaine's brother, whom he'd never actually met but heard of from various stories Blaine had told him, shout from another room, "Mom! Dad! Blaine had someone in his room!"
Kurt's eyes grew wide as he practically punched the end button.
It wasn't long after Kurt called and told the great news to Blaine that he arrived promptly at the Hummel-Hudson door. In fact, it was only ten minutes. The trip would have normally taken an hour, but Blaine was excited. And Blaine got reckless when excited.
And in this case, "promptly arriving at the Hummel-Hudson door" means thrusting said door open with all of his might, nearly knocking down every wall fixture in the house, and bellowing, "Where's the baby momma?".
Kurt sprinted down the steps- elegantly, mind you- and gave Blaine the best diva-stare he could muster. "Blaine Anderson, did you speed in order to get here? Because I don't know how else you could've gotten here so quickly. I do not want you getting into a car wreck, Anderson."
Finn, who was confoundedly staring at the microwave because he had forgotten how to use it, murmured 'hi' to Blaine.
"Oh, hi Finn!" Blaine said jovially as he floated into the kitchen, completely disregarding Kurt's badgering. "I've arranged data sheets explaining the typical symptoms of pregnancy, and what symptoms Carole is most likely to experience. And I made lists of materials we'll need in order to provide the utmost luxury during the pregnancy." If Kurt wasn't so irritated with Blaine, he would've thought Blaine's eager expression was adorable.
"Blaine! Honey, you could've have really hurt yourself." Kurt pouted as he followed his boyfriend.
Blaine draped an arm around Kurt's shoulders, "I'm sorry, Pancake."
"Don't call me that." Kurt deadpanned. Pancake was evidently a touchy subject. Blaine decided to ask Kurt about that later tonight during their ritual nightly Skype session. It had been during one of these video chats that Kurt learned Blaine owned a pair of footie pajamas. And just when he thought his little nerd boyfriend couldn't get any cuter...
Finn glowered at the microwave beseechingly, wishing it would spring to life so he could concoct a gourmet frozen dinner. Even though he'd already eaten dinner, Finn was famished. Besides, he had received big news today. He was allowed to indulge.
But, apparently, he wouldn't get to celebrate his new baby sibling because his microwave was stupid. What an inconsiderate piece of kitchen appliance.
Carole appeared in the kitchen, now wearing her maternity top with pride. Kurt made a mental note to design her some new shirts. Perhaps he'd use his bedazzler also... Kurt mumbled something about a project and hurriedly dashed to his room.
"Finn, are you trying to use the microwave again?" Carole asked, exasperated.
"Oh no, Carole. You need to be resting!" Blaine directed Carole to the couch, leaving a desperate Finn behind. He was just so hungry... and oh-so-confused about the operating of a microwave.
"Blaine, sweetie that's really kind of you, but-"
"No. You're having a wonderful baby! And I want to make sure this little child grows up healthy, happy, and very smart; very like his or her brother, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel." Blaine stated, fishing his data sheets from his messenger bag. He handed them to Carole, grinning like he was ten years younger than his actual age.
"Oh, thank you, Blaine." Carole chimed, realizing how endearing Blaine's antics were.
"I've arranged for the purchase of your groceries and supplies. Kurt and I are going shopping for them tomorrow." Blaine pretended like he was helping Carole by assisting in the shopping, but it was really just a ploy to spend more time with Kurt.
"Why, thank you, Blaine!" Carole said, thankful. She really liked this boy. Blaine made Kurt really happy and, to be honest, he was making Carole quite happy right now.
"Is there anything you need?" Blaine asked Carole courteously.
"Well, I'd really appreciate it if you could bring me my slippers. If you ask Kurt, he should be able to tell you where they are." Carole said, knowing Blaine would be happy to see Kurt for a moment.
Blaine was internally chirping "oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, a task!", but on the outside he remained calm and simply nodded.
Blaine bounded up the steps happily, readjusting his purple bow tie. (After all, he rarely left the house without one of those amazingly dapper accessories.)
Blaine opened the door soundlessly; not wanting to distract Kurt if he was working on something.
But Blaine most definitely was not expecting what he saw.
Kurt had apparently disliked the outfit he had been wearing before, and wished to change. (Blaine had no problem with this. Kurt switched outfits often in the fall. He had so many different outfits planned, but there weren't enough days to wear them all.) So now Kurt wore only boxers. And he was dancing… and singing.
"Pants on the ground, pants on the ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Kurt sang lightly, but loud enough for Blaine to hear it.
And hear it, Blaine did.
So Blaine, wide eyed and most likely scarred for the rest of his life, slowly backed out of the room. It wasn't like he thought Kurt looked unappealing in with his pants on the ground, Blaine just felt like he witnessed something private and special to Kurt… not to mention slightly creepy.
If Kurt ever found out about this, Blaine would never hear the end of it. What if Kurt got mad at him for invading his privacy? And... What if Kurt started putting little obnoxious orange post-it notes all over the place that read 'KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING'? Blaine would be constantly reminded of the incident. He loved Kurt, but sometimes that boy was more diva than anything else. It really scared Blaine.
Blaine decided to return to Carole and act like Kurt was too immersed in his work to reply to Blaine's question about Carole's slippers.
Blaine got downstairs in time to hear Carole screaming deafeningly at Finn. Blaine speculated this was the pregnancy hormones kicking in. He was thankful he had brushed up on his What to Expect When You're Expecting books. He just had the entire collection lying around... underneath his pillow.
"YOU NEVER STOP EATING, FINN! I PREPARE YOU MEAL AFTER MEAL! AND YOU JUST EAT AND EAT! YOU'RE GOING TO BE FAT!" Carole yelled in Finn's face, her face boiling with anger.
Finn looked down at his shoes for a moment, but then lifted his gaze to meet Carole's. In a small voice he asked, "You think I'm fat?" He whimpered, his bottom lip forming into a sad little pout.
Carole's top lips trembled; she could no longer contain the outburst. "I still love you!" She exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Finn comfortingly. They both began to sob erratically.
Carole and Finn stayed in that position, embracing and occasionally saying something particularly heartfelt. Blaine would've found it beautiful, but he wasn't really in the mood to be mesmerized my family bonds. He had just witnessed the love of his life rapping in nothing but boxers.
Blaine, so utterly scared of this family, walked briskly into Burt's "office", which was really just a place for Burt to watch Desperate Housewives in peace. Blaine often joined him. They'd both act as if they were merely working on data for the shop, but Burt and Blaine were secretly catching up on their favorite show. Oh, it was sneaky alright. Blaine always felt rebellious when he sat down with Burt to watch the girls' latest capers. Perhaps it could even distract him from the weirdness of the previous five minutes, or so.
"Hey, Blaine." Burt greeted, patting the seat on the couch. "You look pale."
"Yeah… rough day." Blaine said, still a little shaken up from the Kurt dance number, not to mention the Carole and Finn emotional moment.
"Same here… Finn somehow got me worried about Carole and malaria." Burt said, realigning his baseball cap.
"Kurt introduced me to a new kind of music… and clothing style. And Carole and Finn looked like something from Full House on crystal meth."
"Can't choose family." Burt shrugged and whipped out the remote to start episode five.
By the end of the day, Kurt was obliviously designing maternity clothing for Carole and humming to himself, Carole and Finn were eating marshmallow paste together, and Burt and Blaine were cuddling as they watched Desperate Housewives.
This child's life was, without a doubt, going to be odd.
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