The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone Hollywood. Little wonder some of our favorite characters have also done so. Takes place during the three months before season seven begins with The Figgis Agency.
Background Gals
The Spago Mexican Grille was one of the newest and trendiest places to eat on Rodeo Drive. A place where the semi-rich and not really famous could mingle with the rich and famous. It was an experience of fabulous authentic Mexican cuisine, casual but elegant surroundings…
"And the best damn margaritas I've ever had!" Pam whooped as she finished her third one. "Seriously, I thought Pita Margarita's was great but these make those margaritas taste like watered down Kool-Aid!"
"Yeah," Cheryl agreed as she sipped her second margarita. "I mean I thought Spago was overreaching itself when they decided to open a Mexican themed restaurant but they really pulled it off."
The two women were dressed to the nines in fancy new clothes sitting outside on the restaurant's patio under a large colorful umbrella. Piles of half-eaten (and mostly eaten) food and drinks were around them as well as several shopping bags.
"Here's to sneaking out of work and playing hooky!" Pam lifted up her fourth margarita glass and clinked hers with Cheryl's second. "I mean what good is moving to LA if you can't get out once in a while to see the sights?"
"Plus Ms. Archer is so going to have a fit when we tell her we had a day of shopping and dining on Rodeo Drive," Cheryl giggled.
"She's going to have a bigger fit when we tell her we ran into Burt Reynolds at the restaurant here," Pam smirked. "I mean he was just leaving as we came in and he didn't see us…"
"But she doesn't have to know that," Cheryl grinned.
"Exactly," Pam nodded. "And best of all we can write this meal off as a business expense because people have business meetings at lunch all the time!"
"Wait this is a business meeting?" Cheryl blinked.
"Of course it is," Pam said. "Now that we've decided to try and be actresses we need to go over the game plan."
"Right!" Cheryl nodded. "Wait when did we decide to become actresses?"
"Last night after we watched For Your Consideration," Pam told her. "Remember?"
"Oh yeah…" Cheryl nodded. "No I don't."
"That's because you were high on sniffing glue, drugged up gummy bears and scotch," Pam explained. "But even in that state you had a great idea about us being actresses."
"I do come up with some of my most interesting ideas that way," Cheryl admitted.
"I mean this is Hollywood! The place where dreams are made into reality!" Pam said. "And it's time our dreams came true!"
"Plus being an actress totally feeds into my narcissism and attention issues!" Cheryl realized.
Pam took a sip before going on. "Don't get me wrong, this whole private eye thing we're doing with Cyril and Archer is pretty cool. But let's face it, with our track record…We're gonna need an exit strategy."
"You do have a point," Cheryl agreed. "What's the plan again?"
"I'm telling you now," Pam said. "That's the reason for this little chat."
"Oh right," Cheryl nodded.
"I made this handy checklist to help us," Pam handed Cheryl a piece of paper. "I have the determined the perfect guide for us to become rich and famous movie stars. Or TV stars. As long as we become famous it doesn't matter."
"Good idea!" Cheryl nodded. "It helps when you write things down for me!"
"I've noticed that. Step One: Watch the entire TV series of Cybil starring Cybil Shepherd," Pam read the checklist. "That will give us an idea of how this business works. Not to mention some insight into the pitfalls of stardom we can avoid."
"Like not having your best friend's ex-husband and wife get blown up on a boat so you go to jail in the series finale?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah like that," Pam nodded. "And FYI, I don't really think those two were killed. If that show hadn't been canceled it would have been revealed that it was just another scam of the ex-husband. I mean he did it before…"
"You're right!" Cheryl gasped. "That totally makes more sense! Damn it! Why did they cancel that show? The trial alone would have been comedy gold!"
"Exactly," Pam nodded. "Well we binge watched the entire series so that's done. Which leads us to Step Two: Watching the movie For Your Consideration."
"Why did we watch that movie again?" Cheryl asked.
"Ugh! Do I have to explain everything to you?" Pam groaned. "To prepare us for our first possible Oscar nomination! It tells the very clear lesson that sometimes people who deserve Oscars just don't get nominated."
"Like Eugene Levy from that dog movie?" Cheryl asked.
"Yeah like him," Pam sighed.
"Oh and he was also in For Your Consideration!" Cheryl realized.
"That's right," Pam sighed. "Step Three…"
"And he was in that folk music movie," Cheryl went on. "Along with all those other people in the dog movie and For Your Consideration. Wait a minute…What's it called when all the same actors from one movie are in another movie but play entirely different characters?"
"Cheryl…" Pam began.
"I know it's not a sequel," Cheryl frowned. "Damn it this is going to be bugging me all day."
"Step Number Three…" Pam pressed on. "Get lots of entertainment magazines and some Variety magazines to study what's going on in the biz."
"Check!" Cheryl nodded. "We got a ton of Variety, People and the National Enquirer! And we watch at lot of TMZ so we're set on that!"
"Step Four: Headshots!" Pam took out some pictures from her purse. "Remember when Archer and Krieger took those bikini shots of us for that magazine? I mean they were never published but still…"
"You mean from those three days Mr. Archer had the brilliant idea of becoming a famous photographer?" Cheryl scoffed as she looked at the picture. "Before he got banned because he drank too much Blue Cuervo?"
"Yup," Pam nodded. "But we did get some bitchin' pictures of us out of that. So why not put them to good use?"
"I really do look good wearing practically nothing," Cheryl nodded.
"Moving on to Step Five," Pam sighed. "As we are now actresses in Hollywood, we need to be in places where we can see and be seen."
"Duh!" Cheryl nodded.
"That's why we're eating here," Pam explained, knowing full well that Cheryl didn't understand. "Because it doesn't matter how talented you are or what you do, it's how you promote yourself and how much everyone sees you!"
"That is so right!" Cheryl gasped in realization. "Oh my God Pam you are like a genius at this!"
"I know!" Pam agreed. "We should have done this years ago!"
"Totally," Cheryl nodded.
"Step Six, we need new outfits so we can be prepared for a quick change into roles at any moment!" Pam told her.
"Check!" Cheryl pointed at the bags by their chairs. "Why did I have to pay for everything again?"
"Because you're the billionaire who actually has money," Pam said. "But think of it as an investment in our new business!"
"I thought being private detectives was our new business?" Cheryl blinked.
"It's more of a side gig," Pam told her. "Besides I like to think of it as paid research. Crime shows and detective shows are all the rage."
"And we have a leg up on the competition because of all the spy stuff and drug stuff we did," Cheryl realized.
"Exactly!" Pam nodded. "Our lives are basically research other actresses would kill to have!"
"Although for some reason all the drug stuff is kind of fuzzy to me," Cheryl blinked.
"Interesting," Pam remarked. "I'm the one who had a cocaine habit and yet I remember that time very clearly."
"Hey! Movie stars have drug addiction problems!" Cheryl gasped. "They use their struggles not only in their acting but for tell all books!"
"So between that and your glue sniffing hobby we've got that pretty much taken care of," Pam told her. "I even put it on the list."
"Wow we are really blowing through this checklist," Cheryl realized. "This acting thing might be easier than I thought."
"Okay we have the clothes. We have the headshots. We have the experience," Pam went on. "We have the drug addiction backstory. Now all we need is some roles to start out with. Something small at first then move on to the big leagues."
"Why can't we start with the big leagues first?" Cheryl asked.
"Again if you were paying attention to Cybil you would have learned that actors need to start out small," Pam explained. "It's called paying their dues! Not to mention when we get famous, TMZ will have something to dig up about our acting career."
"Ohhhh!" Cheryl nodded. "I get it now."
"Do you?" Pam sighed.
"No, not really," Cheryl admitted. "But you've been right about everything else so far, so I'm just going to go with it."
"Now all we have to do is start with some basic parts to pad our resume," Pam said.
"Where are we going to find those?" Cheryl asked.
"Cheryl, this is Hollywood," Pam said. "Odds are somebody is filming something around here!"
"Like that camera crew over there?" Cheryl pointed.
"Jackpot!" Pam grinned. "Okay…follow my lead!"
Meanwhile back at the agency…
"Pam? Cheryl?" Cyril walked into the large living room.
He saw Ray and Archer in there. Archer was drinking some scotch at the mini bar and Ray was watching TV. "Have either of you two seen Cheryl or Pam?" Cyril asked. "I can't find them anywhere."
"And that's a problem why?" Archer quipped.
"I think I just found them," Ray pointed at the TV screen with his ungloved hand.
"This is Darcelle Jones for Jaguar News," A well-dressed African American female reporter was on screen standing in front of a restaurant. "The drought that has plagued California is taking a larger hit than thought. Driving up the prices as well as the availability of fresh ingredients. Here with me is Puck Foxband one of LA's greatest chefs as well as the head of the California Organic Association."
Standing next to her was a rather handsome man in his thirties with long sandy blond hair in a chef's outfit. And right behind them were Cheryl and Pam waving.
Neither Darcelle nor Puck saw the two of them. "Mr. Foxband what impact has the drought had on the restaurant community?" Darcelle asked. Pam and Cheryl waved even more in the background.
"Darcelle this drought has significantly hit the restaurants not just in California, but all over the country," Puck explained. "No one is happy about the price of fresh foods going up."
At that moment Pam and Cheryl started dancing behind them.
"Okay now I see the problem," Archer realized as he watched.
"What are they doing?" Cyril blinked as both Cheryl and Pam danced in the background.
"I have no idea," Ray groaned at the women's antics. "I never have any idea what those two idiots are up to."
"That's usually not a bad instinct where those two are concerned," Archer admitted.
"Okay now why is Cheryl pretending that she's trapped in a box and Pam is pretending she's pulling rope?" Cyril blinked as the antics continued. "Since when are those two mimes?"
"I think they think this is a movie," Archer realized.
"What?" Ray and Cyril said at the same time.
"If I know Pam and Carol," Archer remarked. "And sadly I do…They probably got bitten by the acting bug…"
"They should be bitten by rabid dogs," Cyril interrupted.
"And they now think that anyone with a camera is making a movie," Archer went on. "And so they probably decided to start out by doing something in the background in order for them to be noticed."
"Mission accomplished," Ray quipped.
"Well not everyone's noticed them," Archer chuckled as the interview went on but Pam and Cheryl kept acting out. "This is more entertaining than the interview."
"Entertaining is not the word I would use for this," Cyril groaned.
"You know this might not be good for our agency if people see this and they realize they work with us," Archer remarked casually.
"YOU THINK?" Cyril shouted.
"Yes," Archer said calmly. "I do."
"No wonder your mother drinks all the time," Cyril groaned.
"Now where are they going?" Ray asked as the two women ran off camera for a moment.
"If we're lucky to jump off a very steep cliff," Cyril sighed.
Before they knew it they ran back on again. Cheryl was in a white dress and Pam was in a full gorilla costume. As the interview went on they danced around even more.
"Where did Pam get a gorilla costume?" Ray blinked.
"Why did she get a gorilla costume?" Archer asked.
"Why do those two do anything they do?" Ray snapped.
"Because they're insane drugged out lunatics! That's why!" Cyril shouted.
"And here come the cops," Ray remarked as some police officers started chasing the women in the background. They ran off camera.
Then they ran back on camera. Pam in her gorilla costume minus the head was carrying one of the policemen bridal style. And the second policeman was being chased by Cheryl who was wearing the gorilla head running after him on all fours.
"This will definitely not end well," Ray sighed.
"I guess we'd better go down to the station and bail them out," Archer sighed.
"I'll get the checkbook," Cyril groaned as he went to get the money.
"I'll get myself some scotch and pretend that I'm living with sane people," Ray grumbled as he got off the couch.