Disclaimer: All the characters seen here are the property of the companies and artists who own and created them. I own nothing.
-TDP-
Open up to what looks like a grassy road, with Chris McLean in the center of view. In the background is a NASA space shuttle being prepped for launch.
"Welcome to the latest season of Total Drama!" Chris greeted, "I'm your host with the most, Chris McLean!
"In previous seasons, we've sent our Total Drama contestants everywhere, from the crappiest of summer camps, to run-down movie lots, even all over the world!" Chris' smile dropped. "But now, where next? We've used up the best locations on Earth," Chris' grin returned "Which is what the new season of Total Drama is all about! We've located a planet just outside of our solar system, capable of supporting life, human and otherwise!
"We'll be sending our favorite Total Drama freaks right up there, for the very first reality show- IN SPACE!
"And aside from the usual cast you know and love, we'll be mixing things up with the weirdest characters our casting department could find!
"There, they'll be divided into two teams. Winners will reap huge rewards, losers will be sending teammates home.
"Who will be the last explorer left, and win the much coveted, but easily lost, prize money? Find out on TOTAL… DRAMA… PLANET!"
The shuttle in the background blasted off, kicking up a lot of wind and dust.
"My hair!"
-TDP-
(Theme song begins to play. Cameras pop out of giant mushrooms, weird idols, and a spacesuit, causing a face hugger to fly out.)
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
(The view flies down a runway past Chris, and into a space shuttle, where we see Chef and Courtney fighting at the controls.)
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think the answer is plain to see
(The shuttle blasts off and goes into hyper drive. Once it stops, the view is now over a multicolored sphere. The view zooms in, passing Dopey in a space suit, towards the planet to show Luigi and Lindsay looking down a hollow stump. A face hugger leaps out and attacks Luigi.)
I wanna be famous!
(Luigi runs off screaming as Lindsay looks on, confused. Behind her, Mr. 3 rubs his face wearily. Cut to a shot of Duncan, Tyler and Bender pulling at one end of a rope. On the other end is Earthworm Jim, who casually holds his end with one hand. He is reading a magazine with the other hand. Cut to a shot of Gwen sketching while surrounded by a bunch of giant plants with lips on the end. One 'lip-plant' spits out Ratticus onto her.)
I wanna be close to the sun
Pack your bags, 'cause I've already won
(Cut to a shot of a green field. Ezekiel and Chiyo run by, being chased by an Izzy-riding cow. They pass by Owen, happily eating a hamburger while a charred cow-skeleton lies nearby. Cut to Bon Bonne, who is holding Bridgette and DJ over his head as they try to pull a small UFO out of the air. They fall, prompting Bon Bonne to pull the two into a painful hug.)
Nothin' else to prove, nothin' in my way
I'll get there one day
(Cut to a cliff that Heather pulls herself onto. Already up there is Ashley, who vanishes in a puff of smoke as her eyes flash red, shocking Heather. )
'Cause I wanna be famous!
(Cut to Leshawna, running down the hallway of a dark temple. She ducks out of sight as an odd glowing ghost-thing floats by.)
Na, na na na na, na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na
(Cut to a shot of Shantae leading Harold in belly-dancing, before shifting to the geek's kung-fu stances. In doing so, Shantae accidentally hits Harold with her pony-tail.)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Cut to Fighter, who does some fancy tricks with his sword-chucks. Pan over to Black Mage, who lifts up his hat, causing darkness to flow out from his head, filling the screen.)
I wanna be, I wanna be, I wanna be famous!
(Zoom out to show that everything we saw was just an image on a holographic screen, being projected from the middle of the floor. Sitting all around it are the past and present contestants of the show, whistling the last lines of the theme song. The show's title appears in the screen.)
TOTAL DRAMA
PLANET
Episode 1: Astro-Not Training
-TDP-
Chris stood outside the double doors to a large building. He's busy combing his hair back to its normal state.
"Welcome to the Kennedy Space Center in Houston, Florida, USA," He said, pocketing his comb. "Here, we'll greet and meet the contestants of Total Drama Planet. Some of these freaks you should know, and others, well, you should know them too, but we won't blame ya if you don't," The sound of a car approaching caught his ear. "Sounds like the first bunch have already arrived. I give you the crew who needs no introduction, the Total Drama faves!"
A bus stopped at the entrance of the space center. The doors opened up, and out came DJ, Bridgette, Gwen, Duncan, and Courtney. Owen was next, but he got stuck in the bus doors.
"Um, little help?" He asked.
Owen was forcibly freed from his position with a boot to the rear. Or a heel, as it was the impatient Heather, out the door next, her hair back to its season 1 length. However, Owen's forced departure caused him to let one rip-right in her face.
"Ugh!" Heather gagged, turning green. "Couldn't that have waited?"
Heather staggered away. Out next was Leshawna, who waved the stench away with her hand.
"Hoo, baby!" She cried, "What did you have for breakfast, boy?"
Owen, still on the ground, said, "Um, pancakes…and waffles…and bacon…and that stuff at back of the fridge you don't remember eating but are sure it tasted so good…"
Leshawna just rolled her eyes, moving on. Next out was Tyler.
"Hey, what's u-Agh!" he cried, suddenly slipping. He tumbled off the steps of the bus' doorway.
Next came, Harold and Ezekiel, who also took a fall. They landed on Tyler in a heap. Lindsay popped her head out, looking around, confused. She looked down as Tyler held something up to her.
"Found your earring…" He groaned.
"Aww, thanks, Tyler!" Lindsay cooed happily, taking it and putting it on her ear. She stepped off of the bus, trying not to step on any of the boys.
"Ow!" Ezekiel cried as one of Lindsay's heels dug into his cheek. "Watch where you're walking, eh!"
"Guys, gals, welcome," Chris greeted with an insincere smile, "did you enjoy your- Wait," He frowned. "Where's Izzy?"
Everyone looked around as Lindsay helped Tyler up. Harold and Ezekiel pulled themselves up.
"She was with us on the bus…" Owen began uncertainly.
"I think she went up on the roof for something." Bridgette remarked.
"Look!" Gwen cried, pointing up. "Up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!" DJ yelled.
Ezekiel squinted. "I think it's a plane."
Heather's eyes widened. "It's Izzy! Hit the deck!"
Heather's warning came a mite too late. Izzy fell from the sky, using the Total Drama teens as a landing pad. When the dust kicked up from her impact cleared, the entire gang had been knocked down into a pile- except for the girl herself, who was standing triumphantly on the top.
"What that was so wild!" The crazy girl laughed, "I mean, parasailing from a boat is one thing, but from a bus? Excellent! So," She began, her eyes shifting around wildly. "Are we really going into space? That would be so cool. I was abducted by aliens, once, ya know. They sent me back for some reason."
"Gee, I wonder why." Heather growled sarcastically.
The teens began to pull themselves up. Being the nice guy that he is, DJ bent down to help Courtney to her feet. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gwen and Duncan helping each other up, exchanging looks.
"Uh, you okay?" He asked Courtney awkwardly. He knew that the subject of Duncan leaving her for Gwen made her, to put it mildly, touchy.
"About what?" Courtney asked, and then saw DJ trying not to glance at Duncan and Gwen. "Oh, that. I'm fine. I am so over Duncan."
"You sure?" DJ asked.
"Yes," Courtney said, a touch irritated. "Tom helped me work through it."
"Who's Tom?" DJ asked, shocked. Courtney had a new boyfriend already?
"Well, he's…" Courtney began, before being cut off by Chris.
"Okay! Now that you're all here and preemptively injured," The host said, "We can begin introducing your new cast mates!" turning to face the camera, he said, "We asked our casting department to find the weirdest and wildest people they could find, so if any of these guys seems a little off, that's probably why. Our first two newbies are a pair of adventurers. I give you, Black Mage and Fighter!"
A taxi drove up, and when it left, there were two men standing on the curb. One was a well-built, muscular young man with red hair in red armor. He had two pairs of swords at his side, two of which were connected by a chain. The second one was about the armored guy's height, wearing a light blue wizard's robe and a large, light brown pointy hat. He had spindly, claw-like hands, and his face was draped in shadows from the hat's brim. All that could be seen were a pair of yellow dots, glowing from within.
"We're here, Black Mage!" The armored one, Fighter cried.
"You don't have to yell, I can see that for myself," Black Mage grunted, before muttering, "Idiot…"
The two adventurers walked over to where Chris was.
"Welcome guys," Chris said, "Happy to be here?"
"You bet!" Fighter whooped.
"$%*&!#" was all Black Mage said.
"What was that?" Chris asked, having never heard such eldritch language before.
"It's a prayer to the dark gods, hoping all the people I don't like spontaneously explode." Black Mage replied.
"Uh…huh," Chris nodded, a bit put off. "Well, go and stand with the other freaks."
Fighter and Black Mage did so. As the rest of the Total Drama teens edged nervously away from Black Mage, Harold took a special interest in the chained swords at Fighter's waist.
"What are those?" Harold asked.
Fighter grinned. "They're my SWORD-CHUCKS, yo!"
Harold grinned back. "Wicked!"
Leshawna raised an eyebrow. "Sword-chucks?"
"Don't get him started," Black Mage said pleadingly. "Please don't get him started."
"Wouldn't swinging two swords on a chain be dangerous?" Bridgette asked.
"No, it's easy!" Fighter bragged, "Here, I'll show you!"
Fighter unsheathed the sword-chucks and began to flail them about. The gang promptly scattered to avoid death by spinning blade.
"I warned you!" Black Mage snarled, "I goddam warned you!"
Chris began to get annoyed. "Enough!"
"Wha!" Fighter cried, surprised by Chris' sudden proclamation. His concentration slipped, and so did the sword-chucks- right out of his hands. The spinning chained blades flew off into the horizon.
"Aww, my sword-chucks…" Fighter groaned.
"Good riddance!" Courtney muttered, getting up.
Chris rolled his eyes. "Moving on…our third guest is a super hero from Terlawk, Texas, USA! Please put your hands together for Earthworm Jim!"
Earthworm Jim rocketed down from the sky on his pocket-rocket. Re-pocketing it, he said to Chris, "It's feels great to be here! In fact, it's…" He winked, "Guh-roovy!"
"Enjoy the feeling while you can," Chris grinned evilly as Jim joined the others, "Next up is Ratticus!" He noticed that no one had shown up. "Hello?"
"Down here!"
Chris looked down and reeled back in alarm. At his feet was an oversize, dirty, brown rat, bearing a misshapen smile.
"I'm Ratticus!" The rat said cheerfully. There was a big chunk of food stuck on one of his teeth.
"I'll…take your word for it," Chris said, a bit disgusted. "Now, get away from me- I mean, get with the rest."
Ratticus did so. Chris shuddered. The rest of the contestants regarded the rodent with expressions varying from disgust to confusion.
"Cool," Izzy said, "It's a sewer rat with enhanced intelligence and the power speech! How awesome is that?"
"Thanks!"
"Okay, didn't casting find anybody attractive?" The host asked aloud, "I mean, seriously?"
"Excuse me."
Chris turned towards the speaker- and found himself staring at a beautiful young woman, with tan skin and a giant purple ponytail that went down to her feet. Adding to the fan service was her choice of uniform, a red belly dancers outfit.
"Now we're getting somewhere," Chris said to the camera, grinning. To the young woman, he said, "You must be Shantae, which makes me enchante'd to meet you."
Shantae laughed the laugh of someone who has heard the same bad pun before. She walked over to the rest of the gang.
"Hi, it's nice to meet all of you," She said, and noticed that they were staring. "Is something wrong?"
"Um, it's your hair," Leshawna lied. She knew that the boys at least were staring at something else- two somethings. "Is it for real?"
"What do you mean?" Shantae asked, bewildered. In the background, Gwen elbowed Duncan for staring at her 'hair'.
Leshawna tried to think of something to say when Lindsay burst in. "How do you get it like that? I mean, it looks bouncy and silky!"
Ezekiel, meanwhile, piqued by Lindsay's words, reached out to touch the hair. To his shock, the ponytail whipped out and slapped his wrists!
"Ow!" He cried, rubbing where he was struck.
"Everyone," Chris said, getting the gang's attention. "Meet Luigi!"
A tall mustached man in green suspenders and a green cap stepped up. He adjusted his green cap.
"Finally!" Courtney sighed, "Someone normal!"
Giving a slightly nervous smile, Luigi said, "Nice to meet everyone."
Lindsay squinted at the man's cap. "What's the L for?" She brightened up as an idea struck. "Does it stand for Luigi?"
Duncan snorted. "No, it stands for lumberjack."
Lindsay pouted cutely. "Aw, I thought I had it!"
"Tell me, is it always like this?" Black Mage asked Bridgette.
Bridgette smiled. "Actually, I think you caught us on a good day."
Black Mage groaned. "Swell…"
A taxi cab pulled up then.
"Our next competitor is a college student from Japan," Chris said, "I give you, Chiyo!"
To his and everyone's shock, a little girl with red hair tied into two pigtails stepped out.
"Hi!" She said cheerfully, "I'm Chiyo! It's nice to meet you! Thanks for letting me on your show!"
"You're welcome," Chris replied. Thoughtfully, he asked, "How old are you?"
"Twelve." Chiyo replied, and went over to join the others.
Chris pinched the bridge of his nose. "'Kay, memo to self; Have serious talk with casting."
As Chiyo joined the gathering, DJ asked, "Yo, are you really a college student?"
Chiyo nodded. "Yup!"
"Our next cast member is an advanced robot who fell through a time warp from the 30th century," Chris introduced, "I give you, Bender!"
"Yo, meatbags of the Stupid Ages," The grey robot greeted, giving Chris a fist bump. "Bender's in the house!"
"Wow," Harold breathed, "A robot with human-like intelligence and mannerisms! Awesome!"
"Considering what most humans are like, I'm not impressed." Gwen snorted.
Bender, despite having limited facial expressions, scowled at the goth. "Eh, bite my shiny metal ass!"
Grinning at their banter, Chris continued. "Our next victim- I mean, explorer should be someone who Duncan will get along with. He's a former agent for a criminal organization and an escapee from jail. At his request, we'll refer not by his real name, but by a chosen codename; Mr. 3!"
Mr. 3 stepped into view. Some of the cast snickered at his three-shaped hairstyle.
"You did time?" Duncan asked, amused.
"Yes, and I'm never going back," Mr. 3 replied. Turning to Chris, he asked, "You are censoring my face, aren't you?"
"No problem." Chris answered. Once Mr. 3 turned to join the rest, the host revealed his crossed fingers.
SHAZAM!
There was a sudden burst of light, causing everyone to cry out in alarm.
"What the heck was that!" DJ cried, rubbing his eyes.
Chiyo, however, noticed something different. "Mm, where did she come from?"
Standing between the competitors and Chris was a girl, older than Chiyo but younger than the Total Drama teens, with voluminous black hair tied into two pigtails. She wore a red dress, matching her red eyes.
"Hey, I know her," Luigi spoke up, "She's from Diamond City!"
"Everyone, meet Ashley!" Chris introduced. To Ashley he said, "Happy to be here, Ashley?"
Ashley didn't reply. She just kept staring at the gang.
"What's she looking at?" Gwen asked Duncan. He shrugged.
Then there was the sound of metallic gears shifting, followed by a soft quake that shook the area. This occurred again, and again, one after another.
"What's that," Leshawna asked, "An earthquake?"
"Earthquake!" Chiyo gulped.
"I thought it was California that got quakes…" Harold mused, trying to keep himself from falling.
"They do; Florida gets hurricanes," Chris answered, "And we get our next and last new competitor, Bon Bonne!"
Everyone gasped at the figure that walked up. It was a huge, machine-like creature, with ginormous arms and legs, sticking out of a head-like torso. It was sucking a pacifier.
"By the great worm spirit, whose full length exceeds the diameter of the universe-" Earthworm Jim proclaimed, "That is one big baby!"
"It's not a baby," Heather said disdainfully, "It's just another stupid robot," She looked to Chris for confirmation. "Right?"
"Actually, we're not sure," Chris admitted, "But we figure y'all smart enough to make your own conclusions."
Bon Bonne stomped over to the crowd.
"Hey, there, big guy," Owen greeted, "Welcome to our show! Happy to be here?"
Bon stared at Owen for a full minute before one phrase left his, um, mouth. "Babuu."
"Oh, yeah," Gwen nodded, "Definitely a baby, or something…"
"Our final newcomer is the youngest member of his family's mining company," Chris said as a bus stopped by, "I give you Dopey!"
The bus drove off. When the dust from its departure cleared, it revealed a dwarf in a green robe with a very boyish, un-bearded face. He waved cheerfully.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." Gwen said, staring at the dwarf.
"All right, now that everyone's assembled," Chris said, "Follow me and I'll fill you in on the rest of the show."
-TDP-
"Chris, I have one question." Heather said as the host led the cast through the suspiciously empty space center.
"Which is?" Chris asked.
"What's he-" She pointed at Ezekiel accusingly. "-doing here?"
"Who?" Chris glanced behind and saw who Heather was pointing at. "Oh, him."
"I don't see what the big deal is." Ezekiel said.
Heather whirled around to glare at the home-schooled kid. "The problem is that I lost a million dollars thanks to you!"
"I don't remember doing that…" Ezekiel muttered.
"Well, you were reduced to an animalistic, sub-human state of mind," Bridgette commented, when her words caught up with her mind. "How did you get over that, anyway?"
"And how did you survive falling into a volcano?" Duncan asked, "Cause I'm pretty sure that's what happened."
Everyone looked at Ezekiel, awaiting his answer. The home-school looked down at his feet before looking back up and saying, "I've got a really good medical plan."
"Good enough to get you through molten lava?" DJ asked, amazed.
Ezekiel nodded. "Yyyyup."
"Well, I'm satisfied," Chris said, "Anyone else have a stupid question? Yes, Fighter?"
Fighter lowered his raised arm. "When can I get my sword-chucks back?"
"You can't!" Chris said cheerfully, "Now, look yonder!"
Chris gestured, and the cast followed his arm towards a large window. It showed a space shutte being prepped for launch. Unlike other space shuttles, this one was black, not white. It also had a very large picture of Chris on the side. A piece fell off.
"That is the Total Drama space shuttle," Chris explained, "In that shining example of space technology, you will travel to the Total Drama planet. You will also find the confessional, so you can display your private thoughts to the viewing public."
(Confessional)
"At least it's not a toilet this time…" DJ commented, sitting in what looked like a pure white space.
(End Confessional)
"Twenty-four of you will be sent to the planet," Chris went on, "One by one, you will all be sent back, until only one remains, and that one will receive one million dollars!"
There were some intrigued murmurs from the newcomers, and even some of the Total Drama teens were interested.
Then Harold realized something. Doing a quick count, he cried, "Wait a minute, aren't there twenty-three of us?"
Murmurs arose from this statement.
"Are you sure?" Lindsay asked, "I only count twenty-four."
"Did you count yourself?" Duncan asked sarcastically. He knew that she did, they all knew.
Lindsay looked blank for a minute until a light turned on in her head. "Ohhh!"
"Wait a minute!" Fighter cried, "I count twenty-six of us!"
Everyone stared at Fighter in shock and confusion.
"I know I'm going to regret this…" Black Mage sighed, fully aware of Fighter's stupidity. "But, how could you count us as twenty-six?"
"Well," Fighter said, "When I did a headcount, I didn't want to make the same mistake Lindsay did, and counted myself."
"Right, so…"
"Twice."
Everyone stared at Fighter in amazement. Black Mage then whipped out his dagger, his eyes filled with malevolent intent. He was prevented from putting the murderous act into action by Earthworm Jim and DJ, who held him back.
(Confessional)
"I didn't think it was possible," Heather said, "But there's actually someone dumber than Lindsay!"
(End Confessional)
"Okay, moving on from the stupid stuff…" Chris began.
"For how long?" Gwen muttered under her breath.
"…Due to a slight casting error, there are twenty-five of you," Chris continued, "Luckily, we at Total Drama inc. have come up with an ideal way to settle things…elimination!"
"You mean we're going to vote off someone already?" Owen asked.
"Oh, not right now," Chris said, giving a smile that the Total Drama teens learned to loathe. "First, we're going to have some fun- and by 'we', I mean 'me'."
The Total Drama teens groaned. The newcomers looked slightly perplexed. They weren't as familiar with Chris' sadistic streak as the Total Drama teens were.
"Before blasting off into the stars, real-life astronauts are given special training, taking certain tests to see if they can handle the rigors of space-travel," Chris explained, "Here, you will undergo those very same tests. Anyone who can pass each one will receive immunity from the elimination. Everyone else will be up for pre-planet elimination."
The cast exchanged looks, trying to guess which of them will be eliminated.
-TDP-
Chris led the cast into a room with a platform in the center. Sticking out of the table was a tube with a ping-pong ball sitting at the bottom, with a red line painted halfway up. Sticking out of the platform was a hose of some kind.
"Your first test is a simple one," Chris said, picking up the hose. "All you have to do is blow into the hose hard enough for the ball to rise above the red line. If you can keep it up for one full minute, you pass. Any questions?"
Courtney raised her hand. "Can I go first?"
"Ooh, eager, huh?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," Courtney answered, and glanced at Jim, Ratticus, and Owen. "Plus, I'd rather not put my lips on something certain others have."
"Don't worry, Courtney, we will wipe the hose off after each person," Chris assured her, "Now, anyone else? No? Good. Owen, you first."
Owen stepped up and put his mouth around the opening of the hose. Taking a deep breath, he blew as hard as he could.
The ball didn't budge.
His cheeks turning red, Owen blew even harder, causing the ball in the tube to rise up to the red line, eventually passing it.
"Okay, now, see if you can keep it that way for sixty seconds!" Chris yelled.
With everyone chanting "Owen! Owen!" the big lug continued to blow, his face turning from red to purple and finally to blue. After the minute passed, Owen collapsed, panting and heaving.
"Is he gonna be all right?" Black Mage asked, staring at the proverbial beached whale.
"He'll be fine," Chris assured, "Unless anyone here wants to give him mouth to mouth to be sure?"
"No, no, we're good."
"In that case…next!"
The next to take the test were Fighter, Bridgette, DJ, and Luigi, all of whom passed the test easily…except for the redness around their cheeks.
"I think that ball has something in it…" Luigi gasped, sitting down.
"I assure you, there's nothing wrong with the ping-pong ball." Chris said, thinking of the screens and blocks in the hose.
Everyone else took a turn, and despite the odds, managed to do it, though some were more winded than others. When it was Harold's turn, the geek did something incredible. Flaring his nostrils, Harold blew into the hose and kept the ball up above the red line without missing a beat. And when he was done, he wasn't even breathing hard!
"Dude, how did you do that?" Duncan asked, amazed.
Harold grinned. "Circular breathing."
"What-ular breathing?" Leshawna asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I breath in through my nose," Harold explained, "While breathing out through my mouth!"
"Okay, everyone's passed the breathing test…" Chris said, "Except for you, Bender!"
Bender shrugged. "I'm a robot. 'Breathing' isn't exactly on our to-do list."
"We're well aware of that," Chris said, "That's why, in the interest of fair play…"
The Total Drama teens snickered. Since when has Chris McLean cared about fair play?
Ignoring them, Chris continued. "…Total Drama Inc has dug deep into its limitless reservoir of resources to provide you with this tool."
Chris held the item out. Bender took it and stared at it. He looked at Chris, then back at the tool.
"What the hell is this thing?" Bender asked, flummoxed.
"It's a bel-lows," Chris said, as if talking to a child. "You pump it and air comes out. Get my drift?"
Bender glowered at the host before walking over to the platform.
"Crappy, Stupid ages reality TV…" He muttered, sticking the end of the bellows into hose. Opening up his chest door, Bender pulled out a roll of duct tape and wrapped some around the hose where the bellows was in. Making sure that the bellows was secure, Bender began to pump. The ball barely rose an inch.
"Come on," Chris said teasingly, "Surely an advanced and sophisticated machine like yourself can do better than that!"
"Bite my shiny metal ass!" Bender snarled, "I'm a Bender, not a Pumper!"
Nonetheless, Bender began to pump harder. After a few moments, the ball began to rise.
"Hey! It's working!" Shantae cried, "Go, Bender!"
Amidst cries of "Bender! Bender!" the robot's arms became a blur as he pumped harder and faster than ever. The ball rose, bobbingly, above the red line.
"Okay, hold it there for sixty seconds!" Chris yelled, turning on his stopwatch.
"I can do this…" Bender muttered, pumping. "I can do this!"
As Bender pumped, a very subtle grinding noise could be heard…if it wasn't being drowned out by the cheers of encouragement.
"Annnnd time!" Chris yelled, swinging his arm down. "Sixty-seconds!"
Everyone cheered as Bender stopped pumping. Letting go of the bellows, he did a victory dance, waving his arms in the air.
"Aw, yeah! I did it! Suck it, all you guys who aren't Bender! Which is me!" Then his arms fell off. "Aww, crap."
Chris clapped his hands. "Well, I can't believe everyone passed. To celebrate, why don't we take a quick lunch break before moving on?"
"Yes!" Owen yelled, jumping up. "Woo-hoo!"
Owen pumped his arm, inadvertently hitting Black Mage in the face.
"Whoops, sorry dude." Owen apologized.
Black Mage gave no answer, save the sound a blade being drawn.
-TDP-
"That really hurt!" Owen whined, rubbing where Black Mage had stabbed him.
"I'm sorry," Black Mage said, "I was intending to deliver a fatal blow."
"Um, never mind then…" Owen said, his eyes darting.
Izzy giggled.
The cast and Chris were eating lunch just outside the space center. A trailer was nearby, where Chef Hatchet gave out food from a window. To everyone's surprise, it tasted good.
"Is anyone bothered by the fact that Chris is giving us a good meal?" Courtney asked, sitting by DJ and Bridgette.
"I'm not complaining," DJ replied, taking a bite out of a sandwich. "Knowin' Chris, this could be the last decent meal we'll get ."
"No, I get it," Bridgette said, "Every time Chris does something nice, there's something really nasty behind it."
"Exactly!" Courtney exclaimed, "What could Chris be up to this time?"
"Hurry up, gang!" Chris' voice was heard saying over a megaphone, "Testing recommences in fifteen minutes, so eat as much as you can!"
"Giving us stomach aches?" DJ guessed.
-TDP-
"Ooh, baby," Leshawna moaned, rubbing her stomach. "I think I packed it in a little too much."
With full stomachs, the cast followed Chris to their next test. He led them to a room with what looked like a giant nest of wires.
"Your next test will test your ability to handle the Gimbal Rig," Chris explained, "Astronauts use this device to simulate the tumble-type maneuvers that might be encountered in space."
Heather stared up at the device and felt her gut churn. "Uh, Chris? Do you think we could hold off on that for a few more minutes? Some of us are still digesting."
"Your challenge is simple; take a whirl on the Gimbal without puking."
The cast gasped. Now they knew why Chris gave them a hardy meal!
"Monster!" Earthworm Jim cried, "Filling our stomachs, only to send us through vomit-inducing trials… What kind of fiend are you?"
Chris grinned. "The kind that gets paid. Who wants to go first?"
Bridgette went first. Luckily, years of wiping out on the surf circuit had hardened her body to withstand the trials of tumbling. It wasn't until after she got off did she blow her cookies.
"Well, she didn't puke during the test," Chris commented, "So she passes."
Luigi, Earthworm Jim, Duncan, and Chiyo didn't puke either. Though while the first three were a bit green in the face, Chiyo looked perfectly fine!
"Why are you okay!" Gwen demanded.
(Confessional)
"It wasn't so bad," Chiyo said, "It's nothing to being in the car when my old teacher Miss Yukari's driving." She shuddered.
(End Confessional)
Izzy was next. Unlike the previous contestants, her wails weren't made from distress or motion sickness. Instead, she was cheering giddily.
"Faster!" She shrieked, "Faster!"
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again; there is something seriously wrong with that girl." Heather commented, watching Izzy.
"Actually, I don't think I've ever heard you say that." Lindsay remarked. Heather gave her a look.
This exchange was observed by Black Mage. "Suddenly, I feel a bond between myself and Heather…"
"Because she also acts mean and scowly?" Fighter asked.
Black Mage stared at his retarded friend/meat shield/curse. "…Yes, that is why." Idiot.
Izzy didn't puke, and in fact begged Chris to have one more go on the Rig. Chris wisely shoved her aside and pointed to Courtney.
"You next, lawyer-girl." The host said, recalling the lawsuits Courtney had filed against the show.
"One moment, Chris." Courtney said, and reached into Bender's chest compartment. ("Hey!" Yelled Bender) After pulling out the duct tape, she put a piece over her mouth. She then gave Chris a thumbs-up.
"About time that happened," Duncan taunted, "Why'd it have to happen until after we broke up?"
Courtney glared at the delinquent and heaved the roll at him. Duncan didn't duck in time and got a hit in the eye.
(Confessional)
"I figured that if I kept my mouth sealed shut, it wouldn't matter if I threw up," Courtney explained, "It would be disgusting, but it would stay in my mouth."
(Confessional)
Courtney went on the Gimbal Rig. When her time was up, she was pulled out, her cheeks rather green…and bulging.
"Hmm…" Chris tapped his chin thoughtfully, before reaching towards the tape. "Better see if there's anything in there…"
Her eyes widening, Courtney swallowed, looking sicker than ever. She held back a shout of pain when Chris ripped the tape off of her lips. Resisting the urge to throw up again, she smiled cheerfully as Chris peered in.
The host shrugged. "Eh, I'll let it slide this time, but…" He pointed two fingers at his eyes, then at Courtney.
(Confessional)
"Yeah, I coulda booted her," Chris admitted, "Buuut, I figured it'd be more fun to mess around with her s'more!"
(End Confessional)
The next ones on the Gimbal Rig were Lindsay, Fighter, and Leshawna. However, only Fighter went through with it without throwing up. Black Mage suggested this was because Fighter was so stupid he didn't know how to throw up. Ezekiel went next, and didn't throw up either. Once they let him down, though, he made a dash for the nearest rest room.
"There goes a proud man," Chris said, watching Zeke go. "To proud to let us watch him puke."
Mr. 3 didn't even last half a minute before throwing up. Tyler did, however, and even did a handstand when he was let off.
Owen was next. Unfortunately, what looked like another easy win turned sour as the hefty kid blew his cookies, which, by a million-to-one chance, hit Black Mage.
("…I will kill him…" Black Mage murmured, "I will kill him to death…")
Ashley, Gwen, DJ, and Bon Bonne went, and none of them puked. Ratticus was too small to fit in the Rig, and was thus disqualified. Shantae just barely kept from blowing her cookies when it was her turn, which was more than what Heather could do. Her vomit ended up on Black Mage too.
("And to think, I was starting to not hate her…" Black Mage murmured in a venomous voice.)
Dopey managed to go the entire ride without throwing up, but when he was let down the dwarf fainted.
Up next was Bender.
"I don't know why I have to do this," Bender said, "I'm a robot, y'know."
"We'll see." Chris replied, activating.
While Bender didn't throw up in the traditional sense, his chest cabinet swung open during the tumble and a bucket fell out, striking Black Mage in the face.
"That does it!" Black Mage shrieked, throwing the bucket down. "I've had it with this show! Lately all that's happened is me getting hurt! And it's the first episode! I'm done! We're done! Everyone is done!"
"Not yet, BM," Chris said, "We just gotta put you through this thing, and then we'll move on."
"Wait, what?"
Black Mage, when put into the Gimbal Rig, did not throw up. This was not due to any self-control the wizard might have had over his gut, but more because the Gimbal Rig suddenly fell apart while it was in motion, flinging Black Mage against the wall. Everyone stared as he slowly slid down to the floor.
"Well, on to the next round!" Chris declared, "Everyone who passed, follow me. You losers can just hang around outside, or something. Dunno, don't care."
"What about Black Mage and Bender?" Luigi asked.
"Oh, them. They both fail," Chris shrugged, "Bender, 'cause he couldn't keep the stuff in his chest down, Black Mage because the machine broke."
"How is that my fault!" Black Mage yelled.
Chris ignored him. "Onward!"
-TDP-
As Chris led the survivors of the Gimbal Rig down another hallway, he said, "Y'know, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I was hoping we could finish shooting early. That's why I ran the Rig at three times the recommended speed…"
"Wait, what?" Gwen asked.
"…but since most of you guys are still here, I have no choice but to unleash…" Chris opened a pair of double doors, "The G-force Simulator!"
Everyone gasped at the large device in the room before them. It was essentially a giant pillar sticking out of the ground, with two rods branching off in the middle. At the ends of those rods were seats.
"Astronauts use this to simulate the incredible pressure they feel when blasting off," Chris explained, "The conditions of this test, like the others, are simple; just ride out the machine as it swings you around. If you don't pass out, you pass."
"So, we pass…by not passing?" Fighter asked.
There was a sound of heavy footsteps, and Ezekiel dashed in.
"Did I miss anything?" He asked, panting. "What's the test?"
"Ride the machine, don't faint." Chris summarized, and asked, "Now, who would like to go first?"
Earthworm Jim bravely stepped forward. "I'll go!" He declared grandly.
"You sure?" Chris asked.
Jim grinned. "Not to worry! My suit comes equipped with G-force compensators! I never feel a thing when blasting off to save the day!"
Chris' smile grew even wider. "Well, we wouldn't want anyone to have an unfair advantage! Chef?"
Chef Hatchet, Chris' big mean sidekick, stepped out of the shadows and grabbed the top of Jim's head. In one smooth motion, heedless of Jim's screams, he ripped the mutant worm out of his supersuit and slammed him into one of the seats on the G-force simulator.
"And since we've got one seat left, the honor of sharing this ride with Jim goes to you, Courtney!" Chris said.
Courtney barely had time to protest or even react when Chef grabbed her and strapped her in the second seat.
"Just think of it like a carnival ride." Chris suggested as Chef began to fiddle with the controls, "Except at the end, you won't get any cotton candy."
The simulator started up. While most G-force simulators would start out slow before building up to the appropriate speed, the one operated by Chef went at top speed within seconds. Jim and Courtney's screams were lost in the wind created by the simulator.
"You sure you know what you're doing?" Chris asked Chef. Chef just shrugged.
After about five minutes, the simulator slowed to a stop. Everyone crowded around to see how Jim and Courtney had done.
Jim, having felt G-forces for the first time without protection from his suit, had passed out, his tongue lolling about. That was nothing compared to how Courtney looked. Her face had frozen into an expression of both pain and terror. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide, her mouth fused into a combination smile-grimace, and she didn't appear to be moving.
"Is she okay!" Luigi asked, shocked.
"She'll be fine, once her brain restarts," Chris said, "Now, let's toss these two failures in the corner and strap someone else in!"
Dopey chose that moment to faint.
Needless to say, the next two testers, Bridgette and Luigi didn't do as well. In addition to failing, Luigi's hat was sent flying. Luckily, it struck Black Mage in the face as he wandered into the room. When it was DJ and Ashley's turn, Ashley attempted to fake Chris out by drawing a pair of fake eyes on her eyelids. Having seen that trick before, Chris wasn't impressed.
"You've got magic and that's all you can do?" Chris had asked her when she woke up, "Seriously?"
"I was still dizzy from that stupid Gimbal Rig." Ashley muttered.
Next was Shantae and Tyler. Not only did they pass out, but for some reason, Shantae's ponytail ended up tangled in the simulator. Tyler's sweat strap, meanwhile, had flown off and hit Black Mage. Again.
Gwen and Duncan were next. They barely had time to give each other comforting smiles before the simulator started up and knocked them out. Oddly enough, one of Duncan's piercings had flown off and struck Black Mage…with the sharp end.
"Auuugh!" The murderous one screamed, "Why, great gods of evil, why?"
Izzy went next. Not that anyone else had a say in the matter. Punching a few commands in the console, she strapped herself as the simulator went on automatically. Unfortunately, in her zeal, she didn't tighten the straps, and thus went flying out and against the wall.
Bon Bonne and Bridgette went next. Bridgette, naturally, passed out. It was harder to tell in Bon Bonne's case, as he really didn't have a visible face to see. The only change was that his eyes had become twin spirals.
"You sure he's out?" Chef asked, "I mean, he could just be makin' faces."
Chris tapped Bon Bonne on the shoulder. The lumbering hulk fell over like a board.
"I'm sure. Next!"
Black Mage stepped up. "Just a warning; the next person who's headgear goes flying into my face gets a knife in the heart. Several knives, maybe."
DJ gulped. Waving his hand, he cried, "I forfeit! I quit! I don't wanna get stabbed!"
"You sure?" Chris asked, "You could just take your hat off."
DJ shook his head. "Nah, it's all right. I'd end up fainting anyway."
Chris shrugged. "True. In that case, Chef, strap in Chiyo and Harold."
Before being forcibly stuffed into the G-force simulator, Harold took off his glasses and put in them in his pocket.
"I have great faith in my ability to handle the pressures of G-forces," Harold explained, "But that won't do me any good if Black Mage stabs me afterwards."
After Chiyo and Harold took the test, fainted, and were thrown into the corner, a tinkling noise told everyone that the glasses had broke.
Chris winced. "Ooh, I hope he's got a spare. Who's next? Zeke?"
"Right here, yo, eh!"
Chris turned and stared. Standing before him was Ezekiel, wearing Earthworm Jim's supersuit, looking very proud of himself.
"Oh, very clever, Ezekiel," Chris remarked, rolling his eyes. "Chef?"
Over Ezekiel's protests, Chef Hatchet grabbed the homeschooled and pulled him out of the suit. One spin in the G-force simulator later, one more unconscious body was thrown in with the pile.
"Looks like no one passed." Black Mage noted.
"Looks like." Chris agreed. Thoughtfully, he said, "I wonder if I shouldn't have put the machine at top speed…" He shrugged. "Ah well, not like we can do it over again," Turnign to the camera, Chris said, "With all competitors out of the running, the one to be eliminated could be anyone! Who will get the boot? Find out, right after these messages!"
-TDP-
Everyone had gathered outside again. The cast was standing before Chris and Chef Hatchet, who stood in front of the doors to the space center. Next to them was something covered by a sheet, about Chet's height.
"Welcome back," Chris said, "When we left off, nobody here had gotten immunity," To the cast, he said, "Pretty sucky, guys."
"Oh, shut up and let us vote!" Heather snapped.
"Oh, we won't be voting this time, Heather." Chris replied.
"We won't?" Mr. 3 asked, confused.
"Nope! Instead, the decision of elimination will go to the latest member of the Total Drama crew…" Chris pulled the sheet away. "…The Wheel of Elimination!"
It was a giant wheel, set vertically. It was divided into twenty-five sections, and on it each one was a picture of a cast mate.
"You're going to spin a wheel?" Duncan asked, half-shocked, half-amused. "Seriously?"
"I thought you voted to see who gets disqualified on these shoes." Shantae commented.
"Oh, don't worry, we'll still do that," Chris said, "But only when I feel like it."
"God, why don't you just do this show however you feel like?" Gwen groaned, rubbing her forehead.
"I am!" Chris grinned, "Now, time to spin the wheel!"
Chef gave the wheel a hefty spin.
"Wheel of Elimination, turn turn turn!" Chris sang, "Show us which loser would burn!"
As the wheel spun, everyone began to sweat. In a matter of minutes, one of them would be eliminated from the show. And there would be no way to tell who it would be. Lindsay and Tyler held each other's hands. Unconsciously, Duncan and Gwen did the same.
DJ saw this, and glanced at Courtney. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I told you, I'm over it!"
The wheel began to slow down. As it came to a stop, the space with Black Mage's picture neared the arrow.
"It's not me…" Ezekiel gasped, and cheered. "I'm not gonna be the first one eliminated!
Black Mage was equally happy. "I'm not gonna be on the crappy show any longer!"
Then, forces unknown made themselves known. Just as the Black Mage space was right under the arrow, the wheel suddenly spun around and came to a stop- with Ezekiel's picture under the arrow.
"What? No!" Both guys cried.
"Well, that was weird," Chris admitted, before smiling. "But, the Wheel has spoken! Ezekiel, you're outta here…again."
"Come on!" Ezekiel whined, "Weren't you paying attention? That was rigged, for sure!"
Chris shrugged, "Who could possibly rig the wheel?"
Out of the corner of her eye, Bridgette could have sworn that Ashley's eyes were glowing. Before she could point this out, Black Mage spoke up.
"Look, I don't want to be in this show!" He shouted, "Look, snow cap here and I can trade! That way, he can go through the horrible things I'd go through!"
"The Wheel," Chris said firmly, "Has spoken."
Chef walked up, grabbed Ezekiel, and dragged him away.
"Well, I would've voted him off anyway." Heather admitted, still thinking about what happened at the end of season 3.
"Yeah, definitely."
"Can see that."
"Uh-huh."
Grinning, Chris turned to the camera. "Now that that's been taken care of, there's one direction this show could go- UP! Tune in to see our epic blast off to…
"…TOTAL…DRAMA…PLANET!"