In the movies heartbreak happens quickly. It's all consuming and wreaks havoc on a person immediately. They crumble on the floor as soon as the other person walks out of the door. They scream and throw stuff until the apartment is as trashed as their heart. But in reality, that's not how it goes. Sure, sometimes it does, but sometimes it's a slow break. It's like ice over a lake and the further you go into the relationship the deeper the water is underneath you. The first step causes a crack. Then more appear until you hear a deafening sound and your underwater fighting to stay alive. While you're sinking to the bottom you admit to yourself that you should have seen the warning cracks. You should have saved yourself while you could but now it's too late.
The first crack came when he missed your three year anniversary. It was so small you didn't even realize it was there. He was gone on a mission and you didn't think twice about it. You were used to this life. You knew that his role as Captain America came first. When you woke up to a note beside you saying he had to go you went about your day. You tried waiting up but you had to work the next morning. You left his card and gift on the breakfast bar where you knew he'd see it and went to bed. When you woke up he still wasn't home but his mission bag was in the closet and the gift was missing. You assumed he had to go brief Fury on everything and that he would be home for dinner.
The crack spread when he didn't come home for dinner, nor was he home when you woke up. The new pattern of never seeing each other continued for days. After a week you decided something had to change. You missed him. You knew his work was important but so was this relationship. After work you decided to go see him and convince him to spend a little time with you. You walked into the Avenger's gym like you had so many times before. You didn't realizing this trip would be very different from all the times before. You greeted Sam and Wanda and you noticed Natasha and Steve talking over by the punching bags. When you greeted them both only Natasha acknowledged you. She gave you a sad smile and shot Steve a parting glare when she walked away. It placed you on edge. You placed a tentative hand on Steve's shoulder, hoping he'd turn around. Apprehension filled your stomach. When he spoke his words were harsh on your ears. They whipped at you like a hot flame and caused you to jerk back. Your face heated up with embarrassment at his tone. You felt like you were a child who was interrupting their parents. You were overly aware of Sam, Wanda, and Natasha a few feet away and the fact he didn't bother to turn around to greet you.
"Why are you here?" You flinched at the look in his eyes. They were cold, cut off. They made it clear you made a mistake by coming here.
"You haven't been home, I-"The apprehension grew. You didn't even consider that he was avoiding you. It made sense now. But why would he even bother coming home if that was the case? You and Steve always talked if you had problems, he'd talk to you now if he had an issue…right? Taking a deep breath you tried to calm your rushing mind. You took a step toward Steve and your confused eyes met his harsh blue ones. You inhaled and released before starting over again.
"You haven't been home, I missed you and thought we could go get dinner. I figured you must be busy and that's why you haven't been home but everyone has to eat. Even super soldiers." You tried to sound cheerful, not worried. Maybe you were wrong, maybe it was stress from work. He was about to answer when you got distracted by the door to the gym opening and Sharon Carter walking in.
"Hey Steve, you still up for dinner-" Her voice trailed off when she saw you. For a second you couldn't even comprehend what was going on. You gave her an awkward smile then turned back to Steve. His eyes bore into you with a look you'll never forget. Pity, Steve Rodgers was looking at you like you were a pitiful puppy. You looked back at Sharon who was staring at Steve, waiting for him to speak. You could cut the tension with a knife. You never had a problem with Sharon before so you didn't understand why she was glaring back and forth from you to Steve. When it was clear that Steve wasn't going to say anything she stepped forward.
"You haven't told her yet, have you?" You looked back at Steve but his attention was on the woman behind you. Like a gun at your temple, it all clicked and another crack tore under your feet.
"Oh. Okay. No dinner then. I'll, well I'll , I'll just go." You nodded to yourself. Fighting the rising heat of humiliation you left as fast as you could. You focused on getting home. Once there you kept yourself busy so that you wouldn't notice the ice cracking further beneath your feet. You knew that if you moved your attention to what was right in front of your face then you'd go under and never resurface. You were the one person on the ice holding their breath, praying that it would hold. If you stopped to think about what happened and what Sharon meant your body ached. You almost found it fascinating how you something that wasn't physical could hurt so much. You went through the motions of cleaning your apartment while your mind tried to pinpoint the cracks you chose to ignore. Your mind went over them until you couldn't stand it anymore. You knew that the next time you saw Steve Rogers it would be the end of your relationship. And yet, when you heard the door open and shut your heart still stuttered and you couldn't help the hope that filled your soul.
No, the movies don't do heartbreak justice. You watched as Steve came into your home and started to pack his bags. You stood at the bedroom door as he shoved things from the dresser into the bag. His eyes only glanced in your direction once before moving back to the task. You tried to think of something to say that would make him stay. That would make him throw you a rope and pull you away from the water. When he started to zip up the bag you stepped into the room. You knew this was it. It would either be okay or you'd have to balance on the ice carefully until it froze over again. You wrung your hands in front of your body, his hand hovered over the strap of the bag and his head was bowed. He closed his eyes before shrugging the bag over his shoulder. He walked past you without looking back once and you turned to watch him go. Panic seized your body and you lurched forward before he could make it to the door. You grabbed his hand, stopping him in his tracks. You wanted him to speak first. You wanted him to tell you he was going on a mission. You wanted him to give you the explanation you deserved.
As suddenly as the panic came so did the anger. How dare he do this to you, after three years? Two years of endless sleepless nights and constant companionship and he was going to walk out that door with no explanation? The fact that he thought so little of the last three years together made it hard to breathe. It made it hard to even look at him. This man, this "superhero," this guy who was supposed to stand for integrity and honor. What a joke. You almost scoffed out loud at the thought.
"I deserve an explanation, Steve." He turned to face you and you thought maybe you two could work it out. It was clear by the look in his eyes that he didn't want to do this.
"Why? So we can work it out? Look, McKenzie you know what this is. Don't make me say any more than I have to. Okay?" You couldn't agree to that. You were shaking your head no even as he spoke. You deserved more. You glared defiantly at the wall beside you. Your arms were crossed over your chest, in a desperate attempt to keep yourself together.
"Say it. I need you to say it." He watched you closely. You were holding it together but that didn't surprise him. You were never one to fly off the handle in anger, or one to sob obnoxiously. You were trained to keep a level head but so help you God if you didn't get the closure you needed on this you'd lose yourself. You knew it and maybe he knew it by the look in your eyes when you looked back at him.
"I don't love you. We can't keep pretending we have something we don't. It's not right for either of us." Pretending. We can't keep pretending. We. The words felt bitter in your mind. You only nodded and opened the door for him. Your eyes stayed focused on the cherry hardwood floors as he walked past you. You missed the tears in his blue eyes. The hesitation in his steps. You were too busy mulling over his choice of words. You shut the door with a resounding click and took a deep breath. You would fight through the ache in your chest. The sharp pain that echoed up and down your body wouldn't stop you from moving on. You were still standing on that ice. The spider web of cracks surrounded you but you hadn't fallen through.
You showered and concentrated on getting ready for bed. You performed each task delicately, afraid that one wrong move would send you into the water. By the time you laid down in the bed you were physically and mentally exhausted. Your body ached. Your heart ached. Shutting your eyes you rolled over and grabbed the pillow next to you. You clutched it tight and bit your lip to stop the scream from slipping out. When you inhaled his smell assaulted your senses. You heard the deafening crack the same time the first tear fell. A shuddering breath left you and emerged you in the ice water you tried so hard to avoid.
"I was never pretending." The only answer you got was the sound of your own tears hitting the pillow beneath you.