A/N: A pretty angsty, Mulder-centric fic set after the events of "Closure"...the idea just came to me and I found it too sad not to write, I guess. If anyone who's reading this is following "High School Sweethearts", that'll be updated soon.
The X Files doesn't belong to me.
Scully rifled through Mulder's things, feeling restless and anxious about nothing in particular. Mulder had just been abducted, and she simultaneously hated him for it and worried for him endlessly. She found herself going through the things he had left. Just before the abduction night, he had spent the night at her house, and left his briefcase with personal items. She found a battered red notebook, one she had seen previously, but never questioned.
Though she felt like a little girl reading a forbidden diary, she opened it and began to read. It was dated the night they found out what happened to his sister, and when she saw that the first words on the page were 'Dear Samantha', her heart sank, but she read on.
Dear Samantha,
I always thought, way in the back of my mind, that I would find you. I didn't care what anyone said...I knew it. One day, you would return to me. You did, but not in the way I expected. Samantha...I miss you so much. I miss you with every atom of my body-so much that it hurts. I feel like my whole body has one of those pounding headaches. It hurts to write this but I have to, I have to let these feelings out somehow. I'm sitting in the hotel room listening to Scully take a shower and god everything just...
I miss you, Samantha. I miss you.
Your brother,
Fox
The writing was shaky, and it was clear he was very distressed when he wrote it. She remembered him that night, shaken and silent. She had crawled into bed with him and let him cry until he fell asleep.
She turned the page and there was another letter, dated a week later.
Dear Samantha,
I still miss you, but I am feeling a little better. Sometimes it gets to be too much, and it hits me really hard. I have a hard time being coherent about it, but I told Scully I wrote to you (despite the fact you'll never reply) and she encouraged me to keep doing it if it made me feel better, and it has, for the most part.
There was one time, last week, when it really hit me that you were truly gone. I was riding in the car with Scully (she was driving for once), and as an old Ramones song came on the radio I started to think about you, and I felt my mind start buzzing with over-sensitivity and my chest tighten and, oh, God, Sam, it was awful for a moment, I can barely explain it. Remember when mom and dad used to fight and I got so scared I started to breathe fast and I would cry? It was just like that. I was glad Scully was driving because I would've swerved off the road.
She started singing, just absentmindedly, and it somehow calmed me down. She has such a pretty voice...you would love her, Sam. And she would love you. I love her more than anything. It's kinda mushy to say that, but I really do. I wish you could've met her.
Your brother,
Fox
Scully felt a ghost of a smile when she read the last paragraph. She found that he had written to Samantha weekly for months, almost a year. She flipped through and found some particular entries she liked especially. The way he wrote to his sister showed all the love and sorrow he felt for her, and the words stuck in her chest and made her feel as if he was close to her again; she could hear his voice as she read his words. But he was so far away, and the pain of that began to settle in her stomach, coming in pangs.
Dear Samantha,
They made a movie about me and Scully. It was kind of silly. It was good for a laugh, and I got to meet Tea Leoni (who was very nice), and I got to see Hollywood. I've been having a good time, but I still think of you. You would've found it funny, too.
Did you know Scully's the same age as you? I forget sometimes that if you were still alive, you wouldn't be the eight year old I remember you as. Remember how everyone used to say we looked just alike?
I keep thinking about where you are. I like to think you're somewhere up in the sky, eternally happy. I hope it's beautiful up there. You looked so incredibly happy when I saw you, and it made me so happy, I want to burst out laughing because I couldn't contain the joy, but still, you are far away from me and because I'm selfish I want you back. I hope you've still got that glowing smile on your face.
Your brother,
Fox
Dear Sam,
So much has been happening, mostly good things. The few weeks of sadness I had were so overwhelming I thought it would never end. Lots of emotions swam around in my mind, all of them very strong. I wanted to cry, sleep, and throw up all at the same time. It was like when you first disappeared.
But...I'm feeling a lot better. That doesn't mean I don't feel the emotions sometimes, in fact I feel them often. I do miss you, I miss mom, I miss dad...I'm not alone, though. I don't feel as alone as I used to. I love you, Sam...present tense. You're in my heart and my soul-if souls are real-and you'll always be my little sister.
All my letters sound so sappy. I guess I just really need to get everything out of my mind.
Your brother,
Fox
The last letter was written a few days before the abduction. Scully hesitated to read it, but couldn't stop herself.
Dear Sam,
It's morning; Scully's taking a shower and I'm still lying in bed. I don't have much to say, but I felt like talking to you. I'm very happy, we both are, me and Scully. We're becoming a little family, I think. Things aren't perfect, but they never will be, and that's something I accepted a long time ago. Am I becomingly truly happy again? I really hope so.
I don't think I'll be writing to you as often. I don't feel the need to anymore, but I do still think of you. Hope you're thinking of me, and above all I hope you are someplace perfect, happy, and beautiful. I don't have much else to say. I love you.
Your brother,
Fox
That was the last letter. Scully ran her fingers over Mulder's handwriting, letting the words swim around in her mind. Reading about it was just as painful as watching him go through it, but now she saw what was going through his mind during it. She knew the pain of loss; they both did, and especially now, with him gone, it was so painful.
She idly rubbed her stomach, thinking of the child that grew there. His child.
Perhaps, if you're a girl, I'll name you Samantha, she thought sadly.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Sorry it was so angsty.
-Lulamae