Chapter One
Phenomenon
The wizard war was over. Slytherins were in disgrace wherever the Ministry of Magic had jurisdiction. Many slunk back to their family fortresses to live off their vast family fortunes in quiet anonymity.
Graham Montague wasn't like his fellow Slytherins. He'd never been considered quite normal since the incident with the Vanishing Cabinet and his subsequent apparation accident that had trapped him in the loo at Hogwarts.
Ever since his misfortune, he'd had it in his mind that every day he must try out for the Slytherin Quidditch team. This persisted long after he was no longer a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He exercised seven hours a day, performing calisthenics and moderate aerobics. In an odd twist of fate, he hadn't been on a broom since he'd recovered from his mysterious accident. He was now convinced that Quidditch was a field sport.
He had never been deterred by those who had told him repeatedly that he was ineligible to join the Slytherin Quidditch team and that he had no place to go for try outs. It was a fortuitous event when he happened upon Madame Mauve's Male Review. The old biddy saw potential in the young man that everyone else had overlooked.
She became his personal trainer, as she explained it to him. He gladly accepted her tutelage, as she graciously allowed him to try out for the position of captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team six nights a week. He received room and board, and multiple varieties of Quidditch team uniforms, including six pairs of shiny green snake-charmer underwear. Meanwhile, a generous salary and all of his tips from admirers and fans were discretely deposited into his Gringott's account.
Word of the Full Montague striptease spread far and wide. Witches from ages seventeen to seven hundred and two (namely, Perenelle Flamell, who had outlived her husband), as well as quite a few warlocks, traveled long distances to see him perform at the newly christened Knockturn Phantagasm Showhouse. He was so famous that wizardom began to call the street Montague Mall. Due to his fame, there was no longer any shame or fear of shopping in the dark arts district.
A local eatery made a fortune hosting a Friday night Full Montague Sausage-Eating contest for witches. It wasn't long before wizards insisted on their rights to participate. As fast as the broom flies, it became all the rage to eat a Montague with hot sauce, suck on green Slytherin Balls, and swill pitchers of Quidditch Teasers.
After a few years of notoriety, Montague unwittingly became owner of a women's Quidditch team, the Montague Mavens, who were quite successfully coached by one Draco Malfoy. Every week Malfoy spent hours working out with Montague and discussing the upcoming matches. Montague's brilliant strategies coupled with Malfoy's knowledge of the players' strengths and weaknesses made the team the highest-grossing international professional Quidditch team in wizarding history. Montague's biography even got a mention in the new edition of History of Hogwarts, with hearty approval by its new Senior Editor, Hermione Granger.
To be continued?
Want to read a Quibbler article on Montague's full monty? Let me know your interest in a review.
Suggestions for a love interest who tolerates (or abuses) Montague's delusion are requested.
Posted November 16, 2012