I can feel it. The heat, the radiation. Even on top of the tallest building in the commonwealth, the effect is still the same. I watched the explosion of the institute take place. All of the commonwealths fears were laid to rest in my one motion. I caused their downfall. I killed the kidnappers, murderers, and synth enthusiast of the commonwealth. I should be celebrating. But, I'm not. All I feel is the heat. All I feel is the radiation. All I feel, is the guilt. Not only do I feel guilty for murdering innocent lives, but I feel angered at my decision to kill my son along with them.
I tried to reason with him. Told him that he could live with me. That we could be a family again. That I could tell him about before the war. About how things were better. But, he refused. He looked at me with so much disgust, hating me for what I had decided to do. And now, I hate myself for it.
"Paladin." Elder maxson said.
I shakily turned around and looked at him.
"Good work. Now the commonwealth can be free from the menace that was known as the institute. But that does not mean that our job here is done. We have much to do here still." He pauses. He looks at me and I can almost spot the look of sympathy in his eyes, but then, his look hardens a little. "But, We can discuss such matters at another time. Why don't you get some rest and patch yourself up. Come and find me when you're ready." He says. He nods his head in my direction and salutes me in silence. He gets into a vertibird and flies in the direction of the predwyn.
I turn around and look at the smoldering crater that was the old c.i.t. Building, Otherwise known as the institute, My son's false home. I advert my gaze away from the crater and make my way to the elevator. I push the button that will take me to the ground floor and wait for it's slow decent. The elevator jolts and slowly makes it's way back to the earth.
The memories come rushing back. Me and nate getting married. Him getting sent off to war. Me finding out that I was pregnant a week later. Me having my son in the absence of my husband. Bringing shaun back to an empty house. Nate coming home and seeing him for the first time. The smile on his face was as wide and as bright as the sun. Shaun giggling at nate making funny faces at him. The morning before the bombs dropped, nate wanted me and shaun to go to the park with him. He loved us so much.
What would he think of my decision to kill our son?
I come back to reality and see that I had sunken to the floor and tears were rolling down my face.
What have I done?
I hoist myself off of the floor. Synth components and dead brotherhood soldiers litter the floor. When I pass a fallen brother or sister, I take their holotags and salute them to remember and honor their service and contribution to this battle. I leave the building and get in a vertibird waiting for me outside. I tell them to take me to sanctuary, my home, and drop me off there.
We touch down in sanctuary and I jump off of the vertibird. I wave to the lancer and he takes off. I walk down the street and people look to me in anticipation. I look to the ground as I walk and don't look them in the eyes. I am looking for one person and I know exactly where to find him. I walk to the trading depot at the circle and head to the bar. I see robert maccready sitting at a barstool having a conversation with the bartender. I head over to the bar and take a seat beside him.
"Bottle of whiskey please." I ask the bartender. He places a bottle on the counter and I take a swig from the bottle and feel the fire go down my throat.
"So, i'm guessing it didn't go well?" Robert asks.
I sigh and shake my head no. Tears threaten to come falling down but I hold them in and get up from the seat. I pay the bartender and take my bottle. I walk in the direction of my house and hear robert follow me. I walk inside and slowly make my way to the bedroom but fall short at the sight of my baby boy's old room. It's ruined now. The crib is falling apart, parts of the wall are missing, but have been renovating it in the hopes of finding my baby and bringing him home. I was too late however. By the time I found him, he looked older than me. He had been taken from me and nate in the vault by the institute. Nate was shot by the institutes hired gun and they refroze me for another 60 years until I woke up again just recently.
I fall to my knees and look at the ruined baby room. Old toys are placed on the decrepit shelves on the wall. A baby blue rug with rockets on it is placed under the crib and a chair is in the corner. I fumble to my feet and walk into the room and pick up the teddy bear from the shelf.
"What are you doing on the floor mr.bear?" I hear nate say in my head.
I throw the bear across the room and turn to the shelves and start to tear the toys from the shelf and onto the floor. I flip the chair in the corner and finally push the crib over on it's side before finally falling to the floor and breathing heavily. I fumble through my things before finding the holotape labeled 'anniversary'. I put it in my pip-boy and hit
'No, little fingers away...there we go.' I hear nate's voice say. 'Hi honey. Look, I don't think shaun and I need to tell you how great of a mother you are. You are kind, and loving, and funny, that's right, and patient, so patient. Patience of a saint, as your mother used to say.
Look, with all of us at home together, it's been an amazing year. But even so I know our best days are yet to come. There will be changes, sure. I'll rejoin the civilian work force and you'll shake the dust off your law degree. But no matter what we do, no matter how hard, we do for our family.
Now, shaun can you say bye bye? Say bye bye." Nate asks and shaun giggles. "Haha. Bye honey. We love you." He says and the recording cuts off.
We do for our family.
I hear those words play over and over in my head as I watch the explosion replay in my head. I feel warm hands wrap around me and carry me into my bedroom. Maccready sets me down on the bed and looks at me with a worried expression.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks.
"No. I'm not ready." I say. I look to the floor and sigh. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
"Okay. Well why don't you lay down and rest. You need it." He says.
I nod and take my armor off. I take off my brotherhood of steel uniform and put on a plain white shirt and military pants and climb into the bed. Maccready climbs in beside me and I close my eyes. I think about what has happened today. I participated in a war, watched good soldiers die in front of me, and destroyed the institute, along with my son, in one day. I am ashamed that so much death has happened because of me. I need to get away. I need to find a place to be alone for a while.
My mind starts to slip out of consciousness and I soon fall asleep.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
I wake up and feel maccready's arms wrapped around me. I wipe my eyes and see that the sun has barely risen. Carefully I get out of the bed and put my brotherhood uniform on and grab my things. I look back at maccready and plant a kiss on his forehead. Then, I take the ring hanging from my neck by a chain off and leave it on the nightstand. I then, walk out of the door and don't look back. I twist my own ring around my finger and walk straight out of the settlement.
Where am I going? I'm not quite sure. But, what I do know is that I need some time to think. So i'll walk until I cannot walk anymore. I'll wander the wastes looking for my purpose in this world and hopefully, my redemption. Hopefully, I can find it within myself to forgive myself for what I have done.
But war...war never changes...
