The Princess and the Flamer

Summary: Edward is a pretty pretty princess, and Roy is a brave shiny knight. On fire. Roy saves Ed from many scary debacles… Includes commentary from Ed and Roy. Crackfic, with possible plot, even though I haven't found it yet either.

A/N: Tense switch is on purpose, because this is what happens when you read stories to silly alchemists.

Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody. Not even myself. And most tragically not Ed or Roy. Heck, I'd settle for Black Hayate.

Disclaimer II: Just to let you know, this is the product of staying up for 30 hours reading slash, smoking, and drinking copious amounts of sweet tea, and then saying "I can do that!" strikes pose of awesomeness, akin to Roy proclaiming that females will wear tiny miniskirts So, read with that in mind, and fear. Lots, and lots of fear.


Once upon a time…

Wait. That isn't how this story starts. This isn't a fairy tale. But it does have a proverbial fairy in it. Does that count?

Edward: No. No, that doesn't count.

Oh, alright.

So, anyway…

Wait. How am I going to start the story now, Edward, since you're the bright one?

Edward: Fine! Use "Once upon a time". See if I care if you ruin the whole thing.

Yay!

Once upon a time, there was a pretty princess in the highest tower of a really big castle in the middle of nowhere. The princess, Edward, was pining over his champion, who was currently on a quest for the princess, was missing in action. Not in a bad way, just temporarily not able to be found.

Ed: Wait. Hold the phone. Princess? Who's the princess? Aren't princesses usually girls?

Oh hush. Who's reading this to you?

Ed: Pretty?

Well, you got me there. You are quite pretty. Now can it. I've still got a lot of story to go.

As I was saying…

The princess' champion, the brave knight Roy the Mustang, was questing for the princess. For what, you ask? The prince, of course!

Ed: Why does Colonel Bastard get a cool title, and I get to be a princess.

Did I happen to mention that you're in a pink dress? cowers in fear

Ed: WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN A PINK DRESS!

Roy: smirks It looks good on you Edward. Pink is definitely your color.

Ed: Can it.

Right. If these two will stop rudely interrupting me, I could get a little further into this story.

Where was I? Right. Prince.

So, Roy the Mustang is off questing to find Princess Edward's long-lost brother, Prince Alphonse. But, rumor had it that he was trapped somewhere behind a big black gate with creepy babies.

When we had last heard from our questing knight, he was off carousing with Vato the Fallman (who always got blamed for everything. Poor sap.), Kain of the Fueries (needs anger management and deals with the fates. Not a good combination.), Jean the Havoc (do I really need to explain that one? Ok, he's a berserker. Who smokes.), and…

Oh, did I mention that Roy has a pet?

Ed: No, you didn't, you terrible story-teller.

Well, he does. And, it's a hawk. Named Riza. (Never saw that one coming, did you?)

So, anyway. Roy the Mustang is questing for Prince Alphonse, right? Right.

Ed: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!

Fine, fine. Abuse the story-teller, won't you?

Right, so, Roy, questing…

Okay! On with the story, if I can find the train of thought that has careened so far off track that it's in Chicago, heading towards a train from New York at 70 miles per hour…

Ed: WOMAN! PAY ATTENTION. This is not math. You are not in hell.

Okay. Sorry about that.

Roy is questing for the long-lost Prince Alphonse, who is in a very tall tower in a large black castle behind a large black gate, which is guarded by a large black dragon.

Roy rides up to the castle with his trusty hawk on his shoulder and his not-so-trusty traveling companions beside him. Roy then pulled a string from out of nowhere and heard a creepy voice say:

"And the dragon says…"

"RAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRRR!!!"


Oh noes! The cliffy! Fear it. But more will come soon. As soon as more nicotine is injested. (Yes, that's on purpose.) I will walk in the rain to get more nicotine and not sleep so that I can write more crack just so that people will never read this. Yay!