Dear Diary
I feel like …. I don't know…I feel like I'm in love with…Phil.
Wait. No I am not. I'm not gay; I never will be. But I feel like I am … possibly bisexual…
I don't know… why the fuck did I move in with him? How did I not realise that it was just going to make it worse? I don't even know. He does these things in videos , like that part in amazing Dan…but that was ages ago…he probably meant it in a friendly way…I just can't help remembering that feeling.
His arms gently squeezing my lower back, my arms tightly around his neck, we looked into each other's eyes, everything in slow-motion. But then suddenly he jerked and sat up again and started to carry on with the video. He pretended that nothing happened. I just forget though can I?
And it's not even just that. But does he realise how I look at him when he edits our videos? Does he realise how I feel?
Who the fuck am I kidding? No one would love me. All my exes, they didn't love me either. To be honest I don't blame them. I hate pretty much everything about myself. You know what? I am tired. I am tired of hiding it. I am tired of covering my scars. I am tired of not expressing my depression. I might as well kill myself.
Dear Dan's diary.
I probably shouldn't be here .He will kill me.
So your probably wondering why I say will instead of would. Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll….
I couldn't find Dan. My heart started beating so hard I thought it might actually explode. All I could find was his sticker-covered diary thrown across the sofa. I couldn't. I had to. I picked it up, my hands trembling as I turned over the pages.
I had no idea how depressed he was. How he wanted to be my boyfriend. I felt like I was the only one who felt that way. I read the last sentence about him wanted to kill himself. I felt a wet tear make its way down my cheek. He had committed suicide. I don't think I will ever feel as upset and wrecked as I did right then. No more Dan. He should have just told me.
I ran to my bed crying .I ran to get lion. Lion has always been there when things get rough, he makes it less painful. But somehow this just wasn't working. People say that people don't really die, as long as you have memories. But this was Dan. The boy I have had a crush on for four years- the whole time I've known him. Since the first video "hello internet" went up. I love him. I really do.
But then I heard someone crying.
"I can't do it. I want to, but I can't"
It sounded like…no, it couldn't be ….
"Dan?"
I made my way slowly across my room and opened the door of my wardrobe. I opened it. Dan was huddled in a ball. He was holding a knife and was covered in blood. It was painful to even look at. But he was alive!
"Dan!"
He opened his mouth a few times and closed it. He seemed in too much agony to speak. He started to cry even more. I helped him up. His legs trembled as we slowly made it to the bathroom. I got him cleaned up. I wiped his tear-stained face with toilet paper and then his bloody body. He might as well be dead.
"Stay there while I fetch you some clean clothes "I told him. He nodded. I brought him his favourite pyjamas to make him feel better. It was a bit awkward when I had to help him into the trousers.
"Do you want to do this yourself?" He shook his head repeatedly. "ok"
Once everything was sorted out I pressed my lips onto his. Oh god, I love him so much.
