Disclaimer: I do not in anyway own Once Upon A Time. ABC, Disney, the amazing A&E and whoever else have that distinction. No profit is being made, and no copywrite infringement in intended.
AN: Because "Broken Heart" is a perfect description right now, and I'm just going to hide in fanfic. Come and hide with me in this new view of 3A, aka the Neverland arc, and what could have happened if Emma had let her walls down a bit earlier. Yeah, I know other authors have done it, but I've always wanted to write a story set back then and it seems a good place to hide right now. (Sorry it's been so long since I updated A Lover and A Fighter, but it's not a cliffhanger or anything and I just couldn't write comedy right now, but needed to write. I'll be getting back to it as soon as I can.) Reviews appreciated as always.
Stars
by Lady Callista
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"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
from "The Old Astronomer" by Sarah Williams
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Chapter 1:
Emma woke from the fitful half-sleep she'd managed, which had been filled with nightmares of losing Henry just as she'd lost everyone else, as a trilling sound echoed through the night. She sat up at once, immediately glancing around the small campsite to find both her parents and Regina still sleeping soundly. She cast her eyes further around, but of Hook, who was supposed to be on guard, there was no sign.
Memories and fears of loss still swirling through her, Emma's first thought was that he had abandoned them, and she felt the panic start to build in her gut, along with the sense of betrayal she'd felt when they all realized Hook had escaped with the bean. She'd meant it when she said they understood each other, and she had hoped that maybe that slight lowering of her walls would be enough, because it was all she could risk. And in the end, it had seemed it had been, for he'd come back. But now he was gone.
He'd abandoned them, of course he had, because his coming back had never made sense anyway, and no one ever came back for her, which was fine because she didn't like him anyway, but he was the only one who knew the island, their best chance to find Henry, and there had been those moments, those moments when she thought that maybe, when she'd seen the sincerity in his eyes, but he was gone, and...
"Over here, Swan."
Emma whipped around at the soft voice behind her, her back now to the embers of the fire as she peered out into the darkness, trying to find him. The nightmare images finally cleared as she woke up fully, and the panic and betrayal washed away in relief as she caught a reflection of light off of his hook, which he was clearly moving to get her attention.
Emma rose, moving towards the flash of light, casting one last look back at her sleeping parents before stepping between two huge trees and into utter darkness. Despite the rush of adrenaline that had woken her, she was still a little floaty, and the sudden loss of light was disorienting. She staggered a step even as she felt a gentle hand grasp her elbow.
"Take a second, lass, let your eyes adjust." His voice was a whisper, so as not to disturb the others, or alert anything else that might be out there, but she could hear the edge of disappointment he tried to hide as he went on, "It's useless to keep guard close to a fire, even one as low as we've kept this one. It ruins the eyesight, blinds you to what's in the dark."
She stiffened, deliberately pulling her arm from his grasp. As her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, she turned towards him, barely able to make out more than the strong arch of his jaw and the... she so couldn't be going there right now. But she couldn't help shifting slightly closer, just enough to catch the sadness in his eyes that matched what she'd heard in his voice. "Mulan and Mary Margaret kept the watches those couple of nights in the Enchanted Forest, which made sense. I didn't know that world, and I don't know this one. My life didn't really prepare me for trekking through Neverland with a bunch of fairy-tale characters to save my son from Peter Pan."
Hook chuckled softly, and his eyes cleared to their normal stormy blue. He knew she'd heard the gentle reproach as he'd explained his location, knew she knew that meant he'd noticed the stiffening of her body when she woke, and the panic in her eyes when she'd first turned to him. What would have been a fight with any other woman was averted with two simple statements, without either of them even acknowledging that there had been a problem. Bloody hell, he'd never been so fascinated by a woman before. "Then you're lucky I'm here."
The flirting tone his voice suddenly took on was oddly intimate since they were still whispering, and Emma stiffened automatically before forcing herself to relax. Relaxing was much easier when his eyes left hers, scanning out into the darkness around them in a full circle, and she realized that even while he was flirting with her he was still keeping watch. It both surprised her and didn't, and caused her walls to lower just a fraction, enough for her to whisper, "Thank you. I didn't say it before, but..."
"You're welcome, love." His eyes came back to hers again, and Emma shivered at the openness in his voice as he softly cut her off. "You should get back to sleep, sunrise is only a few hours off, and we've a long trek ahead of us."
"How do you know?" Emma wasn't sure where the question came from, but it was something to keep him talking. It would mean a lilting, soothing voice, rather than the litany of fears in her conscious mind, or the nightmares of her unconscious.
He chuckled again, and she twitched automatically when she felt his fingers on her elbow again. "You trusted me to get you to Neverland, lass, just trust me for seven steps."
She caught an odd tone in his voice, and almost said that if they were lost in a modern city instead of a jungle or forest she could teach him a thing or two. But that would bring the sympathetic look, and more questions, and right now she didn't want to think about the past, nor the future. She'd already had more nightmares than she cared to think of about both. What came out instead was, "You're still here," and Emma twitched at the disbelief in her voice, at the way she nearly made it a question.
They'd both neatly avoided this discussion earlier, and it took her a moment to realize why the words had come out without conscious thought.
Because while the panic was gone now, the thought she'd had earlier, when she thought he was gone, was still nagging at her. Because his coming back really didn't make sense, and she couldn't trust him until she understood why he was with them. Or at least until he somehow convinced her that he wasn't going to leave them.
"Aye, love." His voice was soft, serious, and he used his gentle hold on her elbow to pull her closer, turning so their faces were inches away. She froze, and he felt the tension in her even as he kept his body carefully back, and his eyes gentle. He only wanted to be able to see her eyes, to see why she had suddenly brought it up after avoiding it earlier. "And I'm not going anywhere until we've found your boy. After that, well, it'll be up to you."
"I don't..." She started to say she didn't know what he meant, but the intensity in his eyes stopped the words cold in her throat. Because she did, even if she wasn't ready to think about that yet. She concentrated on the first part of the statement, that he wouldn't abandon them until they found Henry, and felt relief flow through her when she detected no lie in the statement. It still didn't make sense, not really, despite his seeming infatuation with her he'd never risk his life just for her... would he? No, it had to be something else, or at least something more. But now that she believed he wouldn't leave, the nagging thought as to why was easy to push away. That was probably easier than examining it anyway.
"Did I lose you, lass?"
His voice pulled her out of the thoughts she hadn't even realized she'd gotten lost in, and she said softly, "I trust you for seven steps."
He chuckled darkly, and murmured, "It's a start."
Emma jerked again when she felt his fingertips start to slide down her forearm, and a shiver that had nothing to do with fear surged through her. He obviously sensed it though, for he began whispering as to took her hand, telling her quite truthfully of the poisonous plant off to the left as he turned until she was behind him, their linked hands resting on the small of his back. She finally figured out what he was doing, and with a huff Emma stepped closer to his back, dropping his hand to put her own as lightly as possible on his waist. "Could have just told me to follow exactly in your footsteps."
"Where would be the fun in that?" He chuckled again, despite the slight annoyance in her tone he heard the amusement underneath. He considered the fact that it was generally there now when he teased her a good sign, and an even better one was when she teased back. He began walking slowly, avoiding the poisonous plants off to one side while making sure they didn't run into the brambles on the other. He'd chosen this campsite for them deliberately, all the dangerous plants around it providing a natural defense, but it meant he had to be careful as well.
"Nothing is fun in the middle of the night."
Hook froze. He knew the grumbling tone wasn't meant to have a second meaning, but it was on the tip of his tongue to tell her just how much fun they could have once they reached the clearing. But he could feel her tenseness as she ran into his back, and despite what many would say he did know when to hold his tongue. Mostly. "I'll only say I disagree with you on that one, love."
"Pirate." She grumbled at him, even knowing he could have said much worse and wondering why he hadn't. She'd noticed it before, how he would tease and push her to a point, but always back off before she got truly annoyed with him. It was damn near a talent, one she'd never known anyone to have when it came to her. And it was one more thing she didn't want to think about right now.
"Man." He corrected with another chuckle as he started moving again, smiling automatically up at the stars as they hit a small clearing about half of the size of their campsite. But unlike the campsite, where the tall trees around it blocked the sky, some trick of growth here had left a half-moon of sky open.
"That was nine steps."
"I forgot to consider the extra steps needed to get you past the thorns as well." He replied to the mildly teasing tone in her voice. "You can let go now, lass, and look up."
He was spinning to face her the instant she let go of him, and smiled at the awed gasp that matched the wonder on her face. For at least a moment, she could forget all her troubles.
"They're so bright. I've never seen..."
"Your electrical lights may be convenient, but they do ruin the view."
"We just call them lights."
"This is light, Swan." He smiled, taking a step back from her to look up as well, his mind automatically calculating the position of the stars. "And it's how I know the sun will rise in about two hours."
Emma didn't know much about astronomy, but she knew enough to know you could both navigate by the stars, and tell time with them. She just hadn't thought they'd be visible in this dense jungle. "Do they have names? Stories? I don't know many of them in my world, but I know they're a sailor thing."
He tilted his head curiously, amazed by but not willing to question her use of the term sailor instead of pirate, studying her for a moment before glancing around the jungle again, making sure nothing was amiss. She barely wanted to talk to him when it was about important things, and now not only was she deliberately seeking his company, but she was being almost friendly, purposely starting a discussion on something she knew he liked. "Aye, stories both beautiful and tragic, just as in your own world." He cleared his throat, glancing away from her as he added off her arched eyebrow, "I may have borrowed a few books from your library, and, uh, several charts, to orient myself with your world."
Emma shook her head, but didn't bother reprimanding him. It wasn't like anyone used the library for anything anyway, except in a crisis, and she doubted astronomy books would be helpful to them then. And she knew what it felt like to be out of place in a world, to look for anything to make it seem less alien. "You probably know more of the stories than I do, then."
"I like to know things." He said cheekily, his eyes catching hers briefly even as he continued to keep watch around them. He wasn't actually too concerned, he'd chosen their campsite, and this lookout location, well, but he didn't want to scare her away. He was delighted that she'd chosen his company, even if it was only to not be alone with her thoughts, and he wanted to do nothing to drive her away, so he kept it light and easy as she seemed to desire.
He suspected she was only out here because she didn't want to sleep again, and he'd had enough nightmares himself to understand that. It had actually been her soft cries that drew him closer to the fire, wanting to make certain nothing was wrong. He'd hoped the unfamiliar birdcall would pull her out of her nightmares, and he'd been right. She'd slept lightly when they'd been in the Enchanted Forest too, every unfamiliar sound causing her to wake briefly before she saw that all was well.
Emma took a deep breath as she kept her eyes on the stars; it really was amazing, they seemed not only brighter but closer. Now that they'd been away from the fire for a few minutes, her eyes had adjusted fully, but looking up at them was easier than looking at him. Easier than looking at a pirate out of a story who was supposed to be a villain, and he certainly had his moments, yet for some reason was helping her. The thought nagged again, like an itch she couldn't quite reach, yet asking him would mean...
"Thoughts are swirling through your eyes like a typhoon, love, what are you pondering so hard?"
Emma blinked rapidly, trying to pull herself out of her thoughts. "Where Henry is."
Hook shook his head ruefully as he saw her walls go back up. She'd been looking at him with such consideration on her face, and not the kind he was used to from women.
He was fairly certain he knew what she wanted to ask, he hadn't been lying when he'd said she was an open book to him and she'd come close earlier in a round about way when she showed amazement that he was still here, but he thought he knew why she'd backed off and in one way was relieved. For while he wouldn't lie to her outright, she hadn't exactly asked, and he wasn't certain what his answer would do to the kernel of trust that was slowly growing between them. Because yes, it was for her, but it was more than that, and he didn't exactly relish the thought of confessing his previous sins.
"We'll find him, Swan." He replied firmly. "Although you won't be much help if you're exhausted." As much as he didn't want her to go, she had closed down again, and Neverland really was a dangerous place, lack of sleep would make it worse. If she wasn't going to open up to him the best he could do was make certain she was rested.
Emma didn't answer for a long moment, and he was just about to move around her to lead her back to the fire when she asked softly, "Which story is your favorite? About the stars, I mean."
Hook blinked at the sudden switch back to their earlier conversation, but just went with it and raised his hand to point out a constellation just visible above the trees, careful not to touch her as she stepped closer and leaned in automatically to give herself the same line of sight.
He pointed out the eight points of light and showed her how they could be connected to form a heart. "It's called the Mother, and she's one of the only constellations visible in both the Enchanted Forest and here. The story tells of a mother whose love for her children was so great, and her sacrifices for them so incredible, that when she died the gods placed her in the heavens so that she could always look after them. Because that's what mother's do, Swan. At least good ones. And you're bloody brilliant."
Emma tilted her head towards him at the bitterness in his voice when he said 'good ones.' It was on the tip of her tongue to ask what his mother had done when she realized that because she had leaned so close to see the constellation, turning her head put their eyes within inches of each other. Her eyes flicked nervously to his lips before being drawn once again up to his piercing eyes, eyes that while they held lust also shone with a loneliness she didn't want to see but knew all too well. For a long moment neither of them moved.
Then she saw him inhale sharply as a rare gust of wind broke the strange spell between them, and something she couldn't read went through his eyes as he slowly reached up and tucked a small fall of hair behind her ear, the wind had brought it over her cheek and she couldn't quite stop the tingle that ran through her as his warm, rough fingers slid over her cheek.
There was an instant of wonder at the softness that had suddenly come into his eyes, and if Emma had been raised the princess she was supposed to be she probaby would have swooned over the romantic and somehow intimate gesture, yet after that first instant all she could think of was the first time Neal had ever done it. He had seemed so perfect at first, so into her just like Hook was now, and in the end he had betrayed her and left her, because she was never enough for anyone. Hook might be intrigued now, but if she let her walls down, if she let him in... She didn't think she could rebuild her walls if someone broke them again. She didn't think she could rebuild herself.
But she remembered him asking for her trust earlier, and the utter sincerity she had heard back when she was locked in a jail cell and he'd told her he wouldn't have betrayed her. He'd given up his revenge on Gold, at least for the moment, and had told her with the same sincerity that he was with her until they found Henry. A tiny part of her wondered as he whispered her name gently why he hadn't pressed his advantage.
If he had kissed her in that first instant of wonder she might not have stopped him, because she could admit at least to herself that there had been a physical attraction from the beginning, even when he annoyed the hell out of her. He still did most of the time, yet despite the way he'd needled her, he had never pushed her the way Neal had tried to when... oh gods, and now she was thinking ill of the dead. Emma took a deep breath and locked down all her emotions. About Neal, about Hook, about anything but Henry. She couldn't deal with this right now.
"Emma." Hook breathed her name again, for the first time not being able to read what was going on behind her rapidly shifting eyes.
Until he saw the walls go back up. He immediately let his hand drop and took a small step back. He would never truly push her, not when he could see the fear and pain under the hard shell, but he could see the loneliness as well. A loneliness he knew all too well, one he'd lived with for so long he almost hadn't felt it anymore - until she reminded him that he could. And he wanted to erase it from her eyes nearly as much as he wanted it gone from his own soul, but he knew pushing wasn't and never would be the answer with her.
"My own mother was a wonderful woman, what little I remember of her at least. She died when I was barely six." Hook said softly, dropping his eyes from her to look at the ground. He'd seen the question flash in her eyes when she heard the bitterness in his voice earlier, but knew she would never ask. Never push for anything personal when she was unwilling to speak of herself in return. But though he'd not spoken of his mother with anyone since Liam, he found himself wanting to tell her. Wanting her to understand why he had faith in her. Hers in him was what had brought him back, was the light in his darkness, and he would do anything he could to help her believe in herself. "A sickness, one that took her quickly though thankfully without much pain. But she was an amazing mother, and one who I just knew would have done anything for me. I never questioned her love for me. And you love Henry that same way. I was around your town long enough to hear the stories, love, you love him enough to break a curse. And they say there's no more dangerous and determined a creature in the world than a mother fighting for her child, and you're already one of the most determined and brilliant women I've ever met. It's why I know you'll find your lad."
Emma studied him for a long moment, completely at a loss for words. Once again she could hear the complete sincerity in his voice, and as had happened the other times she just didn't know how to handle it. The flirty pirate who could barely open his mouth without an innuendo falling out she could deal with, but the hints of the good man she was starting to see underneath were a completely different thing. Despite the fact that she shut him down at nearly every turn, he kept opening himself up to her like this. And the absolute faith in his eyes was something Emma had never seen directed at her, well, not from anyone but Henry and maybe her parents, but family was different, and... and if his mother had been that wonderful, then where had the bitterness she heard in his voice come from? No, she couldn't care right now. She couldn't let him become more of a person to her, couldn't let herself think of anything but Henry. She needed to concentrate on Henry right now, and she found somewhat ironically that his faith that they would find Henry was exactly what she needed to reaffirm her own. "We'll find him."
She believed it again, he could hear it in her voice, and Hook offered her a soft smile as he heard the strength and determination that had first attracted him to her, and at the fact that she had used the plural. "Think you can sleep now, lass?"
Emma felt her eyes widen at the gentle question, and the panic at just how well he read her started to flutter in her stomach again. But there was no judgement, or worse, pity, in his tone, and again his eyes showed the understanding of someone who knew that dreams could be far from kind. She offered him a smile in return, small but real, and said just as softly, "Aye."
"I'll take you back."
Emma nodded softly, and when she moved to stand at his back to again follow his footsteps, she gripped his arm for a brief moment, giving it that slight shake people used when words failed them, the look in her eyes conveying how grateful she was for what he had said. Hook took a deep breath and just nodded briefly before she moved behind him, small hands again coming to rest on his waist, maybe a touch more firmly than before.
He led her back to camp, then resumed the watch, the conversation swirling round and round in his mind. It was clear she'd been hurt many times in her life, and he knew how that could make someone afraid to connect again. If you didn't let anyone close then no one could hurt you. She'd said it to him, flat out, and he found is somewhat ironic that while she'd used that to try and convince him to be a part of something, she herself didn't follow her own advice.
Except at brief moments, like when... Hook caught a flash of movement out in the jungle, and went on alert immediately. He crouched down against a tree, peering out towards where he had seen something. He waited long minutes, about to conclude it had been nothing, when he heard a sound off to his left. His head was still turning when a sudden wave of dizziness washed over him, and before he could call out a warning the world went dark.
As he was falling, he heard the demon child's voice.
"You shouldn't have come back, Captain."
TBC...
