AN: This Chapter has been rewritten. Let me know if you liked it?
Thrain Durin takes a deep breath and smiles sadly at the Comm screen in front of him. He is the Captain of a doomed ship but at least his wife and his child are safe. He's going to die without have ever held his child. It should probably hurt more but all he can think is how glad he is that they are both safe. He caresses the screen as his wife looks up.
"It's a girl!" she exclaims with undisguised glee. Thrain chuckles, knowing how much Ambrdeth has wanted a girl to spoil.
"Why don't we name her after your mother?" he asks, rocking with the ship. The ship that shouldn't be his to command but is. The ship that will be his coffin. The thought almost stills his heart and he yearns for her to keep talking. For her voice to be his companion through Death's door. He watches as Ambrdeth crinkles her nose.
"We are not giving her that as a first name."
The laugh that escapes Thrain is genuine, Belbrinae is a mouthful at best, a beast at worst. Ambrdeth looks thoughtful.
"Why... Why not base it off your mother?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like Dis?"
"Dis Belbrinae Durin," he says to try it out. His wife laughs at his instance that both families be honored with their child's name.
"It's perfect," he whispers softly.
"One minute until impact," the computer chimes. He only has a minute left until the USS Moria finishes its last run. Tears prickle at Thrain's eyes and slowly slide down his face.
"I love you, baby."
Ambrdeth smiles but doesn't look up from Dis.
"I love you too."
"You both are so perfect... Tell... Tell the boys I love them?"
At this Ambrdeth looks up. Her eyes search the half working monitor on the escape shuttle ferrying her to safety. She can hear him speak but she can't see him. It makes her heart clench at the desperation and complete hopelessness in his voice.
"Thrain?! Thrain why would I need to tell them you love them?" she cries out unknowing of the kamikaze route her husband has sent his ship on.
"Thrain answer me damn it!"
Still silence. Thrain is telling her he loves her over and over but the comms have finally died and he can't.
"You're coming home you hear me Thrain Durin!" she screams before the blowback of Moria hitting the Romulan mining drill rocks her small ship. She cries holding her daughter to her chest not wanting to believe that her husband is dead.
Ambrdeth walks down the steps shakily. She's back on Earth but she can't seem to leave space behind. She hears Thrain's voice echoing in her mind as cameras go off around her. The story of her husband has spread. Thrain had been the Captain of the USS Moria for twelve minutes and had saved over eight hundred people.
People kept coming over to her and shaking her hand.
"You should be proud of him," they say to her. She wants to yell at them. Scream at the top of her lungs that she was always proud of her husband. It hurts that even though her husband had given her life for them, the ones that had caused his death had disappeared.
"Mom!"
She's jolted out of her thoughts at the sound of her oldest child's voice. He's standing there holding his little brother's hand. With a shuddering breath, Ambrdeth forces a smile.
"Hello Thorin," she says when she reaches them. With one hand she strokes his hair. Her oldest looks so much like his father except her has her blue eyes.
"Where's daddy?" Frerin asks blinking great big eyes.
She breaks down. Sobs build in her chest and she sinks down to her knees. Her tears are burning hot against the cool frizz of her son's hair as she nuzzles into it. In her arms, Dis makes a noise of discontent.
"Mom?" Thorin's voice is shaky.
She tugs him closer until he, and by extension, Frerin are pressed as close to her as they can be. All around them, questions are being asked. Even in this moment of grief, she gets no silence. One of them must have said something about Thrain because Thorin starts to yell.
"No! You're lying! Dad- dad can't- You're lying!" he screams out before looking to her for comfort. And the worst thing happens. She can't bring herself to comfort her crying boy.
He was a friend of her husband's. She remembers that when he comes up to their house. It's been a year since Thrain has died. She hasn't gotten better, not enough for the shrinks to feel right sending her back up. He smiles at her and he speaks to her like she isn't broken.
"Children, Ronos will be around more often."
"How come?"
"We're dating."
"Oh."
While he makes the boys laugh and smile which is always nice, they don't warm up to him. It hurts but Ronos wipes away her tears and everything is fine. Soon she's feeling like she can take on the world. Soon she is allowed back up into space. It's thrilling and she loves it. It brings her close to the husband she lost. When she is in space, she can feel Thrain's arms around her, she can hear his voice.
She comes home after two years. Her boys are smiling, but they are bruised. Ran into doors, they say shooting glances at Ronos. She doesn't question it. The boys are thirteen and seven, and boys like to play rough. Her daughter is three and she looks like a miniature Thrain, chocolate brown eyes and all. Frerin is the only one who takes after her. He has her wild blond locks and dark blue eyes, her cocky grin and loud laugh. He's the only child she can look at without being lost in memories.
Missions come with increasing frequency much to her delight. Ronos has her children and he sends her vids of them growing up, so it's like she's there with them. The longest she stays is when Thorin is seventeen and waiting for the Academy to send a letter. He's worried that he won't make it in, she's not. Not with Thorin's affinity for engineering and his father's legacy backing him up. Her name carries a lot of weight as well amongst the higher ups but she doubts either of his parents will need to be brought up.
"You can't go! You can't leave us alone," she hears Frerin cry the night Thorin gets his acceptance letter. Thorin says something too low for her to hear but she hears Frerin's loud retort.
"Mom doesn't care! She's never here!"
She steps away from the door biting her lips. She does care... She does. That is what she repeats in her head as she goes and lays down with Ronos. When she wakes she makes breakfast and tries to ignore the sting at the obvious surprise in her children's eyes when they see her. Ambrdeth is lost as she spends the day with her children, noticing how they seem wary of her. Untrusting, confused about why she is still with them. Dis no longer likes the things she used to like, Frerin barely smiles anymore and Thorin is so silent.
A month. A month is how long she manages to stay on Earth before fleeing. She can't tell them why can't articulate how painful being grounded is. Thorin is gone- off to become like her, her pride in that is slowly turning to ash in her stomach- and the other two seem so lost.
"I'm sorry," she whispers on the porch of her house knowing they can't hear her. She bites her lip and turns away, shoulders hunched up to her ears. Maybe, this time will be her last mission. It won't, whispers a darker part of her mind but she ignores it.
Dis watches as the only good permanent thing left in her life packs bags with a determination she's barely seen. His long blond hair is pulled up into a messy ponytail and his mouth is pulled into a frown. He looks older than his sixteen years and she knows she won't be able to talk him out of leaving this time.
"I'm not staying here another fucking minute with that bastard," Frerin says his voice dropping down low when he cusses. His eyes dart to the closed door in fear of being caught cursing. There are many rules in their house that Ronos enforces with an iron fist, despite breaking them himself. Frerin pauses, his hands twisting one of the few shirts Thorin left behind.
"I would take you with me if I could. You know that right?" he asks her, brown eyes wide and almost wet, "If the law would allow it and Ronos wasn't favored by half the damn town."
She nods and gives him a small smile. Even at twelve, she knows that the world isn't fair and that their 'stepfather' gets away with far more than he should.
"Besides he won't hit a girl."
She doesn't tell him that sometimes words are worse than hits and Ronos is capable of anything. He might think she's trying to keep him here. That she's being spiteful and trying to make him feel guilty about leaving her alone with a monster. Instead, she asks:
"Where will you go? Starfleet?"
He wouldn't be the youngest person to join and with the last name Durin many doors are open for them. Frerin scoffs and shakes his head. Bitterness creeps into his features and shoves the shirt he was twisting into the bag. His anger and resentment fuels his drive to pack.
"Hell no," he grumbles. He blames the 'Fleet for their father's death, for their mother always being gone, and for taking Thorin away and send him lord knows where.
The last bag packed he lifts one of them onto his shoulder and gently ruffles her hair.
"I'll try to keep in touch, promise lil sis. Stay outta trouble," Frerin says with a wink. His voice is watery and he looks away so that she won't see the tears. He wipes his tears roughly and grabs his other bag. They look at each other, drowning in what could be their last time seeing each other. They look so much like their lost parents. This will be the hardest thing Frerin will ever have to do.
"Of course," she says. And with that Frerin is gone, out the window and down the road. Dis takes a deep breath, ignoring the tears running down her face. She can handle this, she's a Durin, she can handle this.
